· · ──── ·𖥸· ──── · ·

    "What're you gonna do about your car, by the way?" Cameron asks. "You left it in Bournemouth."

I sigh as he stops at the traffic lights. "I haven't thought that far ahead yet. It's easy to get the train back, pick up the car and be on my way. Suppose I'll have to do that in the next couple of days."

"Don't be stupid. I can drive you down there."

I shake my head. "That's shelling out on petrol unnecessarily—"

We're cut off as he turns into the street and we hear screaming not far down the road. Specifically, Courtneyscreaming and throwing stones from the gravel on the ground into the road.

"Be careful she doesn't throw that shit onto your car," I warn.

He nods and parks down the road from the block of flats. "You sure you wanna go and not phone the police on her or something?"

"So they can do what? Tell her to calm down and tell me I'm wasting police time? To be fair to her, I've locked her out of her home. The flat is in my name, sure, but she pays half the rent."

"If it's in your name, she's trespassing. She's also displaying threatening behaviour. Could just get her to move on." He inhales and sighs. "She's also going to think you ran away to be with me, so be prepared for that conversation. Does she know about when we—" He stops.

"No. All she knows about my past is that Elliott committed suicide. She doesn't know his reasons, that you saved my life or that we slept together."

"If you want my advice, you not telling her those things says a lot about how right she was for you. Or not, in this case."

"Didn't ask for your advice, Cameron," I whisper. We meet each other's gaze; he knows I mean no harm in my words. "But thanks."

I get out of the car at the same time he does.

"Want me to stay here?" Cameron asks.

I shrug. "She's going to assume I've run with you anyway, so there's no point in hiding your existence."

We carry on down the road a little more and her eyes snap on us as if he knew we were coming.

"You! You've locked me out of my own flat! What the fuck am I meant to do? Kenna, I thought we were going to get married. I love you—"

Her black hair is in a messy bun on the top of her head, she's in jogging bottoms and a white crop-top, her white trainers on... she looks gorgeous.

But she's not mine, and she never was. Well, she wasn't for half our relationship. I wonder if she was ever mine; did she have an affair before meeting Lily? Did she genuinely love me at all?

In a way, some deep down part of me is wondering if this happened for a reason; divine intervention? Is Elliott trying to tell me something from beyond the grave? Is the world trying to swerve me in a different direction and tell me Courtney wasn't my one?

Or is this all just an absolutely weird set of circumstances that I can't really put a reason to?

"You left me and did all that shit for him, huh?" Courtney yells. She jabs her carefully manicured finger toward Cameron. "I knew the moment I met him there was something—"

I roll my eyes and move towards the building. "Even if I tell you there's nothing going on, you won't believe me. I don't even care, Courtney. You're the one who betrayed me for my sister, so we all know exactly who did this. For six months—"

She stops short and stands straight like a soldier. I've clearly caught her out, and we all know it. Even if I was running away to be with Cameron, I'm not the one who had an affair here, and I'm not the one who was going to continue said affair. She also has no idea I know how long, either.

"How do you—" Courtney stops. Her final word was going to be 'know', I have no doubt.

"It doesn't matter, but I know. For what it's worth, whether you believe me or not, Cameron and I have nothing to do with each other, other than being friends. He helped me get out of the wedding. I'll go in and get your things; they're bagged up ready for you to take."

"What? Where the fuck am I meant to go? This is my house too!"

I cackle like the Wicked Witch of the West before turning to her. In a way, I suppose I am like the Wicked Witch; I've done evil things like share those photos and humiliate people, as well as locking Courtney out of her home and bagging up her stuff without making sure she has somewhere to go.

But the thing is, humans – and witches – aren't just evil for the sake of it. In The Wizard of Oz original novel, the witch isn't as evil as we know her from the film. She's only antagonistic towards the main characters until she noticed they were intruding on her land, which is understandable. But it's the film adaptation from 1939 (I remember watching with Elliott's grandma) that everyone knows her from; the green skin, cackle, evil ways, and she quickly forgets about avenging her sister when she sees Dorothy wielding the ruby slippers.

It's funny, though, because nowadays people realise that even that, for a fantasy story, is unrealistic. People are all born as blank slates, and it's the things that are done to us or things we see that make us act how we act. The book Wicked explores the Wicked Witch – or Elphaba as he named her – and why she turned out the way she did. The whole reason of the series, and eventually the play, is to humanise the witch and see the other side. Hell, it was Elliott's and mine favourite musical and I even like Elphaba.

My actions right now can be seen as evil, even I know that. But even though I arguably shouldn't have done it, I have my reasons. I'm not an evil person, I was pushed to it by things done to me. Elliott was pushed to commit suicide because he had something done to him, and because he did that, I was pushed to run away.

I truly believe that humans are both nature and nurture; you can't help your blood and DNA, or where you're born, but nurture is what shaped you into who you are. Most of nurture comes from society and what happens to you or around you that make you decide on things like how you act, your political decisions and life choices.

This has been one of those moments.

Do I care where Courtney goes? No. But she has a good wage, money saved up, an apparent girlfriend in my sister, and better prospects than me. My name is on the tenancy and she is the one who did this.

"I'm sure Lily will take you in," I say coldly.

When Cameron follows me, he wordlessly takes half of the bags down to outside the front door of the building before slinking back off upstairs to let me deal with the problem out the front.

Courtney is out there, looking like she's the one being wronged here as she takes in the bags I've put her things in.

"So, this is it, you just send my photos out to our wedding party and then throw me out?" she demands.

I nod. "Sounds harsh when you put it like that, but then I remember you were the one having an affair for six months and strung me along." I shrug for effect. "Did you ever actually love me, Courtney, or were you lying and betraying me the whole time we were together?"

Courtney says nothing. Not that I expect her to tell me, anyway. It's not my problem.

"Not even sure why I asked; it doesn't matter. We're done. You did this the moment you slept with my sister the first time. I just don't get why you would string me along this far. You would've married me if I hadn't found out. Looks like I saved us all the trouble. I hope it was worth it. I really do."

She snarls, clearly trying another tactic. Suddenly, she's not attractive anymore, as if a light has turned off in my soul. Despite the clear beauty Courtney radiates, the way in which she's handling herself right now makes me less hurt about the whole situation. The pain has never actually come to fruition anyway, and I'm seeing why. She's actually done me a favour. It goes to show that beauty will never equal goodness. I knew that, of course, but it just emphasises the point in my mind.

"Wanna know why I fell for Lily, huh? It's because your head is so far in the past, it's hard to even care about you, Kenna. You're so obsessed with your dead boyfriend—"

"Whatever, Courtney." I push the rest of her things out of the front door.

"Did you ever stop to think about the fact that your life is still going? Lily was friends with him, too, but she's not stuck in the past—"

I slam the front door in her face as she continues going on. Without looking back, I go up the stairs and into the flat, leaning against the door as I close it.

"I can hear her up here. You okay?" Cameron asks.

My head nods automatically, but I think it's lying. We both know I'm not okay at all. Using Elliott was a low-blow. I'm aware I've been stuck in the past to some degree; and I warned Courtney about it when we met. I need therapy for it, I know I do, but it's something I'd planned to do after the honeymoon because I've been building up to it for a long time. 

Therapy means telling someone about everything, which is something I've not been comfortable with. But I accepted that in a way, or at least would've found a way not to tell if I went to therapy, but it won't happen now, not until I'm in a new place with a new life.

But the problem is, if someone knew the shit that goes on in my head from the past, they would understand why my head is there constantly. Courtney doesn't get it because she only knew about Elliott's death. Cameron knew him and knows partly why it sticks with us because it does with him, too. So does the memory of me nearly dying on the beach.

"Ignore her. She's insignificant and an idiot. She has no idea about any of it. You're not stuck in the past—"

"Oh, but I am. She's wrong about a lot of things, but that she's not wrong about. Everything I do has him in it, I hate going home to Bournemouth because of the past... all of it is just him and the past. Courtney never knew about the truth, nor did she know we slept together or that you saved my life. If she did, I'm sure she'd have said worse. She's not wrong. I just... haven't dealt with it."

Cameron shakes his head. "I don't see it like that. What you've been through is trauma, Kenna. If she thinks it's being stuck, then she's an idiot."

"I mean, it is what it is. She's... my past now, too."

He nods and walks through to the kitchen, while I stay where I am for a moment. For a moment, I wonder if I really am just evil. Do I lure people in with my niceties and then lead them into my whirlpool, to entrap them with my evilness? I'm so stuck in the past that I just bore people and make them need to be in another's presence? Then, when they do something I don't like, I enact revenge and make it their problem?

Maybe there are some people that are just evil for the sake of it in this world. I mean, there are people out there like that. Some killers, some people notorious in prison and who were never found. They were just evil.

But even those people will have had medical profiling, mental health screenings, a sordid past with something wrong in it. The Wicked Witch wanted power in that film, and revenge. There was something there. If you make Wicked cannon for a moment, Elphaba had a whole past behind her, and she wasn't evil at all. Just a victim of circumstance and a social outcast. When you push someone too hard, it will be a catalyst eventually.

Courtney and I were clearly never meant to be; I was just a moment for her until she found my sister, whether they get together properly now or not. She was a... well, I don't quite know what she was to me right now. Courtney was what I thought was my everything after Elliott; she was the sunshine in the long darkness I had. Maybe that's all she was: a way for me to part the clouds and find a better life.

Or maybe I'm thinking too deeply into it and need to get my head into my present and future.

· · ──── ·𖥸· ──── · ·