My entry for beautifultragedies' Christmas contest.

---

Christmas isn't a constant thing. Even though we would like it to stay the same, it always changes year after year. It changes as much as you do. The kind of Christmas you have when you're five is different from the one you have when you're twelve, and the one you have when you're thirty is different from them both. It's just the way it goes.

One of the most terrifying things about Christmas, when you're growing up, is that one day you will not spend Christmas with your parents and siblings. This could be for a number of reasons, all of which not exactly ideal. You know that one day that Christmas will come, but you just hope that when it does, you will have your loved ones there with you. Your significant other, your own kids. If that Christmas comes and you have none of those people with you, it can be frustrating.

Saying I was abandoned this year seems a little harsh, but it's the closest to the truth. My parents decided to escape Iowa's bitter winter and lay on the beach in the Bahamas. I don't know why they decided to pick this year, they've never seemed to not like the winter before, but now they're far away from me, their only child. I would've spent the holiday with my brother, Lucas, but he's in Alaska. But at least, he has a valid excuse, Lucas married his girlfriend about two weeks ago and now they're on their honeymoon.

So I'm just in my apartment, wallowing in self-pity and decorating my tree. Usually, it would be in full holiday spirit the day after Thanksgiving, but I just wasn't up to it. I'm only doing it after all because my friends were giving me crap when they came over last night.

It was a sort of a "before our families go crazy" dinner. A bunch of my friends came over for a potluck and we exchanged presents and basically just prepared ourselves for the next few days filled with family drama and all that fun stuff. It was also to ease their guilt about leaving me alone during that time.

The dinner had helped a little but it was only a short term solution. In the end, it wouldn't help me feel less alone when I was left in my apartment with no hope in sight. The only thing I had planned was watching some movies and getting drunk. Or maybe not get drunk, that seemed a tad too pathetic. But I'd definitely watch some movies.

Even though I was melancholy as can be, my tree was actually looking okay. I half expected it to look like the tree from Charlie Brown by the time I was done with it. For some reason, I had picked a huge tree and every time I wanted to place an ornament higher than a few feet off the ground, I had to climb all over it, which caused a pile of leaves (were they considered leaves on a pine tree?) to fall to the ground. What had once been a majestic pine was now the tree version of a model when she was forced into rehab. But it was colorful so it looked okay.

I figured I might as well leave the tree alone while it still looked nice and made my way to my couch and my pile of blankets. It was Love, Actually time. But just as Hugh Grant was beginning his lovely voiceover, my phone rang. I haven't been called in almost two days; the only time my phone had received any kind of notification were some texts from my friends, but of course, the second I start watching a movie, someone calls. I decided to ignore it and wait it out. When the stupid thing finally stopped ringing, I started the movie again.

Two minutes later, the phone rang again. Again, I ignored it. But every time the phone would stop ringing, it would start again a few minutes later. Finally, I picked up. It was an unknown number and I was prepared to scream at whatever telemarketer had decided to bother me on Christmas Eve.

"Hello."

"Hey, Grace."

"Lucas?"

"Yeah... Who else would it be?"

Ah, my brother. Other than a telemarketer, he was the person I least wanted to talk to. Lucas was known for keeping someone on the phone for hours just because he could. And the topics were always things like comic books and zombies, sometimes both. I blame The Walking Dead for that one. He takes way too much pride in being able to do it. The guy was on his honeymoon for Christ's sake! I don't know why he had to call me now.

"I don't know, maybe someone I want to talk to?" I said, not even trying to hide my annoyance. He knew I wouldn't be happy to hear from him but he called anyway so he could deal with it.

"Ouch. You can't set aside your pettiness on Christmas Eve?"

"No. But if you had called me tomorrow I might have been able to find some Christmas cheer somewhere."

"Grow up. When your sister is all alone on Christmas Eve, you're supposed to call her. Deal with it," he said.

"Did Juliet tell you that?"

"She might have."

"I knew I liked her for a reason."

"She's something all right." His loving tone made my heart swell. You could practically see him looking over at Juliet and smiling as he said it. My brother may be an asshole, but he had picked the right girl and definitely loved her. They're relationship was what I wanted for myself. But I would never tell Lucas that.

"So you've been married almost two weeks. Has she realized she's too good for you yet?"

"Not yet. I'm guessing she'll realize that around the one year mark if I'm lucky."

"That seems about right. So did you call for a reason or just to annoy me?"

"Isn't annoying you reason enough?" he asked.

"Come on, Lucas, I'm trying to watch Love, Actually."

"Let me guess, you're in the middle of the Hugh Grant voiceover and I interrupted it."

"Pretty much. So tell me why you're calling so I can go back to the masterpiece that is Hugh Grant's voice."

"Masterpiece? Please. Do you realize how old he is?"

"I do," I said. "But I don't care. He's still the love of my life."

"Of course, he is. Anyway, I just called to wish you a Merry Christmas. I wanted to wait to call you until tomorrow morning, but Juliet said you should be able to sleep in. She's always looking out for you. Who knows why."

"She really is. So is that all? I have a movie to get back to."

"Well, usually when someone tells you Merry Christmas you say it back..." he said.

"Merry Christmas, Lucas. Tell Juliet I said hi."

"I will. Bye, sis."

"Goodbye." Then I hung up before he could say another word.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. He's five years older than me and for most of my life, I was convinced that he hung the moon. Lucas could do no wrong in my eyes and he was always there for me. It's not that he did something to make me not feel that way anymore, I just grew out of it. We were older now and now he was just my brother now. He was no longer invincible or perfect, but I would always forgive him no matter what. It's just the way it goes.

I just wasn't in the mood for holiday cheer. I was already depressed enough about how I was alone and now I was thinking about how I was alone...and single. Talking to Lucas reminded me of how happy he and Juliet were, and that made me think about how relieved we all were when he got together with her instead of one of his other girlfriends and that made me think of Christmas three years ago. AKA the Christmas we never talk about. And it was all because my brother was an idiot.

It was the first Christmas after I went to school and I had been looking forward to it for months. My parents had come to visit a few times but I had only talked to Lucas on the phone and I loved the idea of having us all together again. It would be one whole week of family time, something that used to make me nauseous, and it would be great. What no one expected to happen was my brother bringing home his new girlfriend.

In a few words, she was awful. She was stuck up and rude and seemed disgusted by the fact that we all wanted to spend time together, and that my coming home from school was getting more attention than her. I was ready to kick her and my brother out, even though I wanted to see Lucas I didn't want to see him that much, but my parents were trying to make some kind of effort and wouldn't let me. So I decided to take a walk so I could get away from it all. Hopefully, by the time I got back Lucas' girlfriend would have broken some vase from some relative and my mom will have kicked her out.

Like it does every winter in Iowa, it was snowing. But instead of the storm the weatherman predicted, the snow was falling almost delicately. I wrapped my coat tightly around me and trudged through it, loving how peaceful the neighborhood looked with everyone inside and the streetlamps on and my footsteps the only flaw in the snow. This was exactly what I needed to calm down from the travesty that was my holiday.

My walk had calmed me down so much that I was completely annoyed when something ruined it. It was ruined in the form of another person taking a walk in the snow, coming in the opposite direction but on the same side of the sidewalk. I slowed down and watched them get closer and closer, wondering if they were going to try to make pleasant conversation or if they were going to leave me alone (hopefully the latter).

It seemed like it was going to be the latter when they pushed past me and kept going. But my luck was ruined when the person stopped walking away and said,

"Grace? Grace Stevens?" I turned around to see the guy, someone about my age, staring at me.

"Yes?"

"You don't remember me?" he asked, taking a step forward. He did look slightly familiar, but not enough for me to be able to put a name to the face.

"I'm sorry, I don't."

"It's Charlie, Charlie Warner." There might as well been a light bulb that lit up over my head.

"Yes! I'm so sorry, it's just been a while."

Charles "Charlie" Warner had gone to high school with me. He had been in my grade, but hadn't transferred to our school until halfway through our junior year. His parents were doctors. They apparently had received a better job offer here and didn't seem to care that Charlie had wanted to finish his school year. He had seemed like a nice enough kid, but since he was new and everyone had already formed their cliques, he hadn't had many friends. He did, however, have lots of admirers because of his tall, dark, and handsome demeanor. My only interaction with him had been at football games and stuff like that, nothing special. I was surprised he even remembered my name.

"It's fine," he said smiling. Now that I had recognized him, everything about him seemed so familiar. Charlie had always had such a nice smile.

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm good, just avoiding my family."

"Seems like a popular thing these days."

"What did yours do to you?" he asked.

"My brother bought him his new girlfriend. She's horrible." I shuddered, thinking of the horrors I had left at my house.

"Ah, that sucks."

"What did your family do?"

"Not much. Just most of them are drunk so I decided to take a breather."

"That makes me just seem petty," I said.

"Maybe, because you are being kind of petty."

"Excuse me?"

"You were really excited to come home for break, right?"

"Yeah..."

"So why are you letting this chick ruin it? This is your one chance to have some family time and you're letting her drive you out of her house," he said.

He was looking at me so straight on I remembered why all the girls had loved him, other than the obvious. He had this way of looking at people that was so honest and direct it made you feel like he was looking right into your soul. No one could resist him when he looked at you like that.

"It would be so much easier if my parents just-"

"Just kicked her out? They don't want to push your brother away the same why they don't want to push you away. They're trying and you just left them in a house with a psychopath." I rolled my eyes but we both knew that he was right.

"So what do I do?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, go home?"

"Do I really have to?"

"Yes. It's better to spend some time with your family instead of hiding out in the snow. It's kind of pathetic to stay out here."

"I know, I know," I said.

"Good. Come on, I'll walk you home." He nodded his head towards my house and started walking. I had no choice but to follow him.

Charlie had been right, it was better to spend some time with my family. The girlfriend had not broken some vase and been kicked out, but she wasn't as bad as we thought she was. Okay, she was just as bad, but we were able to laugh about it. It wasn't the worst way to spend a Christmas, I suppose. I had gotten a boyfriend out of it.

I hadn't really expected it, but when the landline got a call from the "Warner Household" later that night, it ended up that way. Charlie and I were officially a thing by New Year's and we were inseparable ever since. Well, we had been until everything went to hell last Christmas. It was the last time I had seen him and I did my best not to think about it. That was another reason why that Christmas wasn't never spoken of, it was because that was when I had met (well, re-met) Charlie.

It had been a long time since I had thought about him. After last Christmas, he had been on my mind constantly, but now he was like someone I had never known. If I ever saw him again, I might not even recognize him, like when I saw him in the snow that night. But no matter how long it had been since I thought about or saw him, thinking about him now gave me that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. One thought of him sent my mind reeling and made me think about all the good (and bad) times we had. It was impossible not to start thinking about where it all went wrong, especially since I knew exactly when that was.

For some reason, that Christmas my family, including Juliet, who my brother had started dating a few months before, had decided to come to me instead of the other way around. I had just graduated from my undergraduate program and moved to San Francisco to start medical school. They all showed up on Christmas Eve with presents in hand and sleeping bags and Charlie arrived the next morning, delighted to spend time with all of us. I'm not really sure why he was there, we were all as grumpy and cynical as ever. But I guess Charlie liked that about me, so naturally, he liked that about all of us.

After we had opened presents ― mostly just cards and cash since it was all adults ― we all decided to lay around and watch some TV. We were all half asleep and dreaming of the dinner to come. Except for Charlie, that is. As soon as we all had settled down, he got up again and left the room. When he came back, his fists were clenched and he looked very nervous.

"What's going on?" I asked him.

"You look like you're about to pass out, dude," Lucas said.

"Just give me a second," Charlie said as he took some deep breaths.

"All right, weirdo." My mother hushed me.

"What?"

"Don't be a brat. You'll regret it later," she said.

"Okay, I'm ready," Charlie said. He then grabbed my hand and pulled me up. "Here, Grace, stand right... here."

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Just shut up for a second, okay?" he said.

Then he got down on one knee.

"Grace Stevens," he said. "We spent a lot of time where we didn't really know each other. I feel really stupid now because imagine how much fun we could have had if we had hung out at all. Now that I know how amazing you are and how you make me feel, I never want to let you go. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?"

I was speechless. I loved Charlie, I really did. But I hadn't been ready for that.

"Could you all give us a moment?" I asked, turning to my family. They nodded and nervously left the room.

"Grace, what-" Charlie said.

"Please, just get up."

"Alright. Could you please tell me what you're thinking? I'm a little nervous here because this isn't looking very good for me."

"I'm so sorry for all of this," I said, collapsing onto the couch. "If I had had any idea that-"

"That I was going to propose? This really isn't looking good for me." He sat down on the couch next to me, face paling and his eyes wide.

"I really am sorry, Charlie."

"No, it's fine. I'm just kind of surprised. I mean, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think that you would say yes."

"I know and don't think that I don't love you because I do. I love you so much it's ridiculous." I buried my face in my hands.

"Then why are you saying no?" he asked.

"It's just... I'm going to be a doctor. But first I have to finish medical school and then I have to do my residency..."

"And?"

"I have so much left to do. And I don't think I can factor another person in just yet. I need to be able to move if a good job is available or make some other change. And if we were married, I couldn't do that to you," I said.

"So if I hadn't proposed, what would have happened?"

"I would have waited to see what happened. But I can't see how this could work when you obviously want to take a step forward, but I'm focused on other things." A sob lodged itself in my throat and I got off the couch, not trusting myself to be this close to him. I turned towards the tree to give him a moment. Or maybe to just give myself a moment.

"This is not how I thought this would go," he whispered, mostly to himself.

"I'm sure."

"I have to go." He got up and grabbed his coat.

"Charlie, please. Just stay a second." I blocked his way to the door but he pushed past me.

"I can't stay here now. Goodbye, Grace."

And then he was gone. All that was left was me, tears running down my face, and my family, re-entering the room with concerned looks on their faces. Even then I knew it was one of the worst moments in my life.

Before I could torture myself over my life decisions any farther, my phone began to ring. I would have ignored it again if not for the international number. There was only one person who would call me from another country.

"Hey, mom."

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you?"

"I'm fine, just hanging out. No need to worry, I'm not crying in a corner or anything."

"That's nice."

"What's up with you?"

"Oh nothing, we're just relaxing. Your father found A Christmas Story on TV," she said. I grinned.

"I was going to watch that next."

"Of course! You can't go through the holidays without watching it at least once." Every Christmas Eve before this one, my family would get together and watch it, usually reciting lines as we went alone. For days after one of us would randomly say "FRAG-ILL-A" or "you'll shoot your eye out!"

"Definitely."

"Well I'll let you go back to your movie. I have to call Lucas and Juliet anyway. Your father and I will both call in the morning, alright?"

"Okay. Merry Christmas, Mom."

"Merry Christmas, honey. I love you."

"I love you too."

Figuring I was going to be left alone for the rest of the night (both by my family and self pity), I went to the kitchen and put some popcorn in the microwave. Before it was done, I heard a knock on the door.

When I swung open the door, I was not prepared for what I saw.

"Hey," he said.

"What, what are you doing here?" I said, stuttering.

"I'm sorry for barging in," Charlie said. "But I still live in the city and I knew you were alone and so was I, so I figured that there was no reason we both should be alone."

He still looked the same. He was even wearing the coat that his mom had bought him for his last birthday we were together. He did always look nice in it. I knew he hadn't changed that much since it had only been a year, but it was still shocking to see it in person.

"I, uh..." I brilliantly said.

"Don't worry, there's no pressure whatsoever. I just missed you and wanted to see you and hang out. No pressure, just two people hanging out as friends." He started fidgeting a little with his hands. "We were never really friends, you know? More like acquaintances, and then we started dating, but never friends. Do you think we could try that out?" He said, earnestly. I softened. There was no way I could refuse him. Not now, not ever.

But even though I knew what to say, I had no clue how to actually say it. So I stood there in front of him, looking like an idiot, before finally responding.

"I have popcorn in the microwave."

He furrowed his eyebrows and stared at me uncertainly. "Okay... Is that a yes?"

"Yes! Sorry, I had a bit of a brain fart. I meant, would you like some popcorn?" Charlie

grinned.

"I would love some."

"Come on in then."

And with that, Charlie took off his coat and I closed the door behind him. We had some movies to watch.