England, 1841

Sometimes Gideon Hartwright thought there might be something wrong with Nicholas Smith. In the five months that he'd known the other man, Nicholas had never eaten or drunk a single thing. He didn't seem to like the sun, and avoided it when he could. Sometimes he'd go so still, it was as if there was no life in him at all.

And sometimes, when Nicholas kissed him, Gideon could have sworn he saw a spark of red in Nicholas's eyes.

But then Nicholas's kisses would grow fiercer, more urgent, and Gideon would forget ever thinking there was anything strange about the man who was stealing his heart.

"Is this alright?" Nicholas whispered, pressing his hips against Gideon's.

Gideon could feel him through his trousers, rock-hard, and the breath rushed out of his lungs.

"Y-yes," he managed to say.

Nicholas grinned – and there, Gideon was sure he'd seen his eyes flicker red. He shook his head. Nicholas's eyes were as blue as ever, warm with desire. His hands roamed over Gideon's chest, lingering on the buttons of his vest.

They were hidden in an empty stall in the Hartwright family stable. The house was empty but for the servants, and even if they caught Gideon and Nicholas, they wouldn't breathe a word of it to his father.

He was as iron-fisted with them as he was with Gideon himself; the servants had no love for him.

On either side of them, horses stamped and snorted. The air was rich with the smell of leather and hay, so familiar to Gideon. As a boy he'd hidden here when he wanted to avoid his father. Now, at twenty-one, he was still hiding.

He couldn't often risk coming here with Nicholas, only when he knew no one was around to catch them. The memory of the last time his father had caught him with a boy was still too fresh in his mind, even though it had been five years since the injuries from that beating had healed.

Nicholas unbuttoned Gideon's vest and pulled open the neck of his shirt. His lips pressed against Gideon's throat, lingering. His tongue flicked over Gideon's skin and he shuddered against Nicholas.

That was another strange thing about Nicholas – his hands were always cool. He never felt warm, no matter how passionately they kissed.

Nicholas let out a little groan, burying his face in the hollow between Gideon's neck and shoulder.

"Come back to London with me," he said.

"I can't," Gideon whispered.

He wanted to.

Since meeting Nicholas, he'd become more and more aware of his own body, and the way it reacted to this man, and he wanted more. He wanted to take off Nicholas's clothes. He wanted to kiss him somewhere other than his mouth.

But that would be going so much further than he'd ever gone, and he was afraid. Godric, his older brother, had told him how things occurred between men and women in the marriage bed, but Gideon had no interest in lying with women.

He wanted Nicholas's hard chest and square shoulders. He wanted Nicholas's large hands and narrow hips. He wanted the hardness he could feel through Nicholas's trousers.

Nicholas had talked to him of what men could do together, and the thinking of it left Gideon flushed and breathless, waking up in the night, aching with need, relying on his own hand to ease that ache.

He wanted more with Nicholas. But he didn't dare take him into the house, and Nicholas didn't have a home of his own, only a rented room in a London boarding house two miles away.

Nicholas nodded. He never tried to push Gideon, but he couldn't hide the disappointment in his eyes.

"Kiss me," Gideon said.

A smile chased away the disappointment and Nicholas leaned into him again, his mouth hungry and demanding. His hands twisted in Gideon's hair.

They kissed until Gideon felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Wait," he gasped, pushing Nicholas back.

"What's wrong?"

"I . . ." He stared back at Nicholas, at the dark hair and blue eyes that had captured his attention as soon as he saw him.

Gideon had spent his entire life thinking there was something wrong with him, and his father's reaction when he caught him kissing another boy had only compounded that. But he didn't feel wrong when he was with Nicholas. Their time together was kept secret, hidden in shadowy corners and empty stables, but it didn't feel wrong. Kissing Nicholas felt like the most natural thing in the world, and maybe . . . maybe it was time for something more.

Silently Gideon took Nicholas's hand and guided it to where he was hard and aching. "I do want more," he whispered.

Nicholas's eyes blazed with heat. He pushed Gideon against the wall, frantically kissing him while one hand pulled at his trousers, reaching inside –

"Gideon?"

At the sound of his brother's voice, Gideon's eyes flew open.

He hadn't heard the stall door swing open, and from the startled look in Nicholas's eyes, he hadn't heard it either. He straightened up, shielding Gideon as much as he could with his own body while he rearranged Gideon's clothes. That made no difference now, but Gideon appreciated the gesture.

He looked past Nicholas to his brother.

Godric filled the open doorway. His face was unreadable, but his eyes, when he looked at Nicholas, were cold.

Only four years separated Godric and Gideon, and Gideon had always looked up to his older brother. Aside from their father, Godric was the only other member of the family who knew the truth of Gideon's sexuality, and he'd always supported Gideon – in secret, at least. Even Godric knew better than to go against their father.

But now Godric was looking at Nicholas with anger, with contempt, and it chilled Gideon.

Nicholas wasn't remotely intimidated; he gave Godric a lazy smile.

"Did you want something?" he said.

Godric's nostrils flared. "I'd like you to get away from my brother."

Nicholas's smile only widened. "I don't think Gideon wants that."

Godric looked at Gideon, and Gideon thought that his expression would soften, that his brother would understand him, just as he always had, but Godric's eyes were like chips of ice.

"Gideon," he said, shaking his head, and there was such crushing disappointment in that one word.

Confused, Gideon looked at Nicholas, but Nicholas's eyes were fixed on Godric. He was doing that still thing, where his whole body was motionless, his face utterly devoid of expression. He didn't even look like he was breathing.

"What?" Gideon said, his stomach twisting itself in knots.

"This nonsense has to stop," Godric said.

Gideon felt like he'd been punched. If the wall hadn't been right behind him, he might actually have stumbled.

"What?"

Godric looked to Nicholas. "You need to leave."

"Do I?" Nicholas said, and there was something in his voice that Gideon had never heard before, something quiet and deadly.

Godric was taller than Nicholas, and his shoulders were broader, but Gideon suddenly had the strangest sense that only one man in this stable was dangerous, and it wasn't Godric.

Maybe Godric didn't realise that; he took a step forward. "Get off my property," he growled.

Nicholas's eyes darkened, and Gideon grabbed his arm. Something told him that if Godric tried to force Nicholas to leave, things could get ugly. He didn't know why his brother was reacting like this, but no one was getting hurt here.

"Nicholas," he said. "It's alright."

"Do you want me to leave?" Nicholas said, not taking his eyes off Godric.

No, Gideon didn't, but he and his brother needed to have a talk, and that would be easier without Nicholas watching.

While he was trying to work out how to say that, the anger drained out of Nicholas. "Come and find me when you're ready." He pressed a quick kiss to Gideon's lips, and in his periphery, Gideon saw Godric stiffen.

His brother moved out of the doorway to let Nicholas pass.

"By the way," Nicholas called. "I'm borrowing one of your horses."

"You – what?" Godric snapped.

He whipped around, and then had to jump back as a black gelding clattered past, Nicholas sitting on its back. He hadn't bothered with saddle or bridle, just swung himself on the animal, twisting his fingers in its mane as he dug his heels into its sides.

Godric's mouth dropped open.

Gideon had to smile.

Nicholas urged the gelding into a gallop, and then Gideon was alone with his brother. His smile faded. Godric was staring at him the way their father sometimes did, like there was something wrong with him. But Godric didn't think like that. He'd always supported Gideon.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" he said.

"Don't you think you're getting too old for this?" Godric said.

"Too old for what?" Gideon was truly baffled now.

Godric stabbed his finger at the open doors of the stable, which Nicholas had just ridden through. "That. I've held my tongue on this matter before, Gideon, but enough is enough. It's time to stop this."

Gideon's heart was starting to pound. "What are you talking about?"

This wasn't happening, Godric wasn't really saying this. He couldn't be.

"It's not natural." Godric spat out the words.

"But this is who I am. You know that."

"Don't be ridiculous. You've had your fun, you've indulged this phase long enough, and now it's time to put an end to it."

"Stop it," Gideon shouted, his voice bouncing back to him from the wooden walls.

Godric's anger morphed into bewilderment.

"You're the only person who has ever shown me a shred of support. Why are you taking that away?"

Godric gaped at him. "I overlooked your indiscretions when you were a boy because I assumed it was something you needed to get out of your system, and once you had, you would . . ."

"I'd what?" Gideon said in a hard voice. "I'd let Father choose a nice little wife for me? Dutifully marry her and produce the next generation of Hartwrights?"

"Yes," Godric said, apparently utterly baffled that this was even up for discussion.

"But I don't want that. I never will."

Godric just stared at him.

"Don't you understand?" Gideon said, his chest felt hot and tight, like he couldn't breathe. None of it had been real. Every time he'd felt like he would sink into total despair, he'd remind himself that he still had Godric, the brother who loved him anyway, who'd always supported him. Except he hadn't. "This is who I am. It's a fundamental part of me, and that's never going to change."

Godric started to shake his head, and Gideon slammed his fist into the wall because the anger building inside him was more than he could cope with.

"It was all a lie. All these years I've thought that you've loved and accepted me for who I am, and that you always would, but you never did. You just put up with me."

This hurt worse than any beating his father could mete out. With Nicholas, he'd finally started to understand that there was nothing wrong with him, that he could be happy with another man, and now Godric was shattering that.

"Gideon," Godric started, in the condescending tone of someone who thought being four years older made him so much wiser.

"I love him," Gideon shouted, his voice raw, as broken as his heart.

Godric went very still. "Don't be so obscene."

But it was true. Maybe they'd only managed to steal pockets of time here and there, but that warmth in his chest when he looked at Nicholas – that could only be love.

"You cannot be in love with another man," Godric said.

"Well, I am."

Godric's expression turned ugly, and in that moment he looked so much like their father that Gideon instinctively took a step back.

The man that he hated and the brother that he adored – how could they be so similar?

"You've always supported what our father thought, haven't you? Any time he beat me, you secretly thought it was justified, because you secretly thought there was something wrong with me." Gideon's hands were shaking, and he balled them into fists, but it didn't help.

Everything he thought he knew was wrong. His entire world was crumbling around him, and there was nothing he could to stop it.

"What do you imagine happening here?" Godric sneered. "You think you have any future with him? You'll bring disgrace upon our family."

"I don't care."

Godric glared at him. "You already have disgraced us."

"Fuck you."

Godric's voice was ugly as he said, "You're the only one in this family who wishes to do that with men."

His words were like blows, but Gideon stood up against them. "Maybe I do."

Godric made a noise of disgust.

"It's my life, Godric. I should be allowed to live it the way I want to."

"Don't be so bloody naive. You are a Hartwright. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but your actions reflect upon the rest of us. You would tarnish our family name for something so . . . disgusting?"

"My love for Nicholas is not disgusting."

"Love?" Godric spat. "You don't know what love is."

"Maybe you're right. After all, I thought you loved me, and I'm starting to think I was wrong about that."

Godric shoved his hand through his hair. "I'm trying to help you."

"No, you're not. You don't want to listen, and you don't want to understand."

"That's because there's nothing to understand. I should never have indulged you in this grotesque vice. I should've beaten it out of you, like our father tried to do."

"You really think that would change who I am?"

"Yes."

Gideon caught his breath as tears blurred his eyes. "You're no kind of brother. Everything between us has been a lie."

Godric just shook his head again. "I'm going to tell Father what happened here. There is something rotten inside you, Gideon, and maybe this time he can finally beat it out."

"And if he kills me? Is that preferable to you?"

"He won't," Godric said, but he didn't meet Gideon's eyes.

"You'd rather have a dead brother than an unnatural one."

"No, but –"

"I hate you."

The words were soft, but somehow louder than all the shouting.

Godric's eyes widened a little.

"You've betrayed me in the worst way you can, and you won't even see it," Gideon said.

"That's because I can't even look at you right now."

Gideon had always imagined there was an invisible bond between him and Godric, a rope tying them both together somehow. Any time that Gideon felt like he was drowning, he would cling to that rope and haul himself back onto solid ground.

But now the rope had been cut.

He swore it could feel it snap, the frayed edges withering and dying, leaving the man in front of him someone that he perhaps didn't know at all.

"You won't have to look at me ever again because I'm not coming back," Gideon said.

"Don't be so ridiculous –"

"I love Nicholas, and I'm going after him. If that means walking away from this family, then I'll do it. I don't belong here anyway."

"But you could. Just stop this depraved foolishness."

"If that's what it takes to be a Hartwright, I don't want it. I don't want to belong."

Despite the aching pain in his chest, his shoulders felt like a huge weight had suddenly been lifted. He didn't have to stay here. Godric had been the only reason to stay, and now even he'd turned his back. Now there was nothing to stay for. Gideon knew so little of the world and the thought of leaving behind everything he'd ever known was terrifying, but he wouldn't be alone. He'd have Nicholas.

He pushed past his brother and walked out of the stable.

Godric called after him, but Gideon didn't turn back, and Godric didn't come after him.

Part 1/5