Oxford, England, 1844

Oxford was beautiful at night.

The moon cast silvery pools of light onto the buildings of distinctive golden stone, while arches and spires sliced through the sky, black against the stars.

But tonight, Gideon Hartwright barely noticed it.

Nicholas was in good spirits, talking animatedly as they walked back to the inn they were staying in after an evening of quietly hunting down blood in the darker streets of the city.

Gideon wasn't sure if Nicholas had noticed Gideon's mood, or if he was talking more than ever to somehow soften it.

Was it really possible that Nicholas couldn't tell that Gideon wasn't happy anymore?

It wasn't especially cold out tonight, but a fire burned in the inn's main room, and several men were huddled around it, holding mugs of beer. They all nodded to Nicholas and Gideon as the two vampires came in, except for one of them, who shot them both dark looks. He probably suspected that they were more than friends, and he didn't like it.

Gideon looked away.

When he'd first disappeared into the night with Nicholas three years ago, abandoning London and heading out to see the world, Gideon had felt invincible, like nothing could hurt him now that he was a vampire.

Except they could.

All the vampire strength in the world wasn't armour against casual human cruelty.

Nicholas had warned him about this, and it hadn't been long before Gideon found out for himself just how true it was. With Nicholas, he'd overcome his fear of his own sexuality, that awful feeling that there was something wrong with him.

But far too many people thought like Godric and his father.

Men sleeping with men was illegal and in some cases punishable by death, and while Gideon had encountered people who felt that capital punishable was grossly unfair, especially for an act that hurt no one, plenty of other supported the death penalty.

His confidence had started to fail.

His old fears had come creeping back.

On top of everything, his relationship with Nicholas had, over the last few months, rapidly deteriorated.

Nicholas led the way upstairs, to the small room they were renting.

Since leaving London, they hadn't settled for too long in any one place. At first they explored smaller towns, before finally arriving in Oxford, where Nicholas had expressed hope of staying a little longer. He'd been here before, but that was a long time ago, and Oxford was changing, adapting to Britain's growing global influence, thanks to its victories over Napolean, its expanding empire, and the revolutionary developments it was making in the fields of transport and communication.

Gideon had agreed, because it no longer mattered to him where they lived.

"You're quiet tonight," Nicholas commented as he shut the bedroom door, and slung his coat on the hat-rack in the corner. "Is something on your mind?"

Where to even begin?

"Gideon?" Nicholas said, and he sounded worried this time.

It was now or never.

Gideon lifted his chin and met Nicholas's eyes. The other vampire was as beautiful as ever, with that dark hair and those blue eyes, and the mouth that Gideon had come to know so well. But Gideon no longer felt the same pull towards him that he once had.

"I don't know how to say this," he started. It wasn't a position he'd ever been in before, but if he didn't do this now then everything he felt would fester and blacken inside him. He wanted things with Nicholas to end, but he also wanted it to be on good terms.

Nicholas waited, his forehead furrowed.

"I don't want to stay in Oxford," Gideon said.

Nicholas's face cleared. "That's it? If you don't want to stay, we can pack up and leave. Plymouth's lovely this time of here, maybe we should go there –"

"I don't want to stay in Oxford with you," Gideon clarified.

Nicholas faltered, his mouth going slack. "You don't . . . you're leaving me?"

"I have to."

"Why?"

Gideon tried to organise his thoughts. It took him longer than he hoped.

"I don't understand. I love you," Nicholas said, his voice as small as Gideon had ever heard it.

Rather than inspiring pity, it sent a bolt of anger through him.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have lied to me about turning me into a vampire. You wouldn't have manipulated my situation like that."

Nicholas slumped against the wall, looking like he had been punched.

"All these years . . . have you felt like this the whole time?"

"Yes and no. I've always been angry about what you did, but at the same time I'm grateful that you gave me a new life. But being grateful doesn't change that you didn't really give me a choice. You didn't tell me what I was agreeing to."

"But we talked about this three years ago, after I turned you."

"And if you remember, I told you that I was still angry with you," said Gideon.

"You also told me you loved me," Nicholas snapped.

"I thought I did, but . . . Nicholas, things have changed. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. Do you remember when I told you about Eleanor?"

Gideon had been forced into an engagement with Eleanor, which had only ended when Eleanor took matters into her own hands and eloped with another man.

"Don't you see?" Gideon said. "If I stay with you, then it'll be no different than if I had been forced to marry Eleanor."

"How can you say that?"

"Because I have to."

Gideon hadn't expected it to hurt this much. After all, this had been brewing for a while, and he really didn't love Nicholas anymore. In hindsight, he wasn't entirely convinced that he ever truly had. Certainly he'd been enamoured of the man, and it had felt like love at the time, but he had nothing to compare it to, and though he enjoyed Nicholas's company, he couldn't imagine spending the rest of eternity with him.

At the same time, Nicholas was still important to him.

He had helped Gideon accept who he was.

He was the first man Gideon had slept with.

He had freed him from the shackles of his miserable human life.

He had shown Gideon how to be a vampire, and the thought of leaving him behind and heading out on his own was honestly terrifying, even if it was the right thing to do.

Nicholas shoved a shaking hand through his hair. "I thought you were happy."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not. I think I need to experience life on my own. I need to find out who I am without you."

Their lives these last three years had been dictated by Nicholas. He decided where they went. He chose their accommodation. He picked the people they were planning to drink from that evening. In some ways, Gideon didn't mind because Nicholas had much more experience with all this, but other times he felt like he was nothing more than Nicholas's shadow. Before Nicholas he'd lived in the shadow of his family's expectations and his father's anger.

Now it was time to step out of the shadows.

And he could only do that on his own.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

Nicholas laughed harshly, and covered his eyes with one hand. "You really don't love me?"

Gideon swallowed, a human tic that he hadn't yet been able to shake. "I don't," he said.

Silence fell on the room.

"You're breaking my heart," Nicholas said at last.

"I never wanted to do that, but I can't stay when I'm not happy."

"Answer me something honestly, then. If I had told you exactly what becoming a vampire meant before I turned you, would it have made a difference?"

Gideon considered it. "Would it have made me love you? I don't know. Would it have made me trust you? Absolutely."

"So for three years you haven't trusted me?"

"I've always trusted that you'll take care of us, and I've always trusted your judgement when it comes to how we live our lives. But you effectively lied to me when you turned me, and yes, that did have an impact on my trust."

Nicholas nodded, his eyes glittering with reddish tears. "When are you leaving?"

Gideon hadn't thought that part through, but he realised there was only one answer. "Now," he said.

If he didn't go, then Nicholas would try to talk him into staying, and he might even succeed – not because Gideon loved him, but because he was older and more experienced and he'd always been in charge of the relationship. If Gideon was going to leave, he needed to do it now, while he felt in control of what was happening.

Nicholas closed his eyes. "Just like that. You're just going to walk away."

Gideon didn't know what to say. Leaving Nicholas would be one of the hardest things he'd ever done. With Nicholas he'd felt that he knew what his future looked like, even if he had little say in it. But without Nicholas, everything would change. The future would become an unknowable road, and he had no idea what waited for him further down, but it was the road he needed to walk.

"I have to do this," he said.

For the first time it really sunk in that this could be the last time he ever saw Nicholas, and panic spiked in his chest. Was he ready to face the world alone?

Yes, he was. He had to be.

"If you ever plan to turn someone again, be honest with them about what they're getting into. I don't regret becoming a vampire, but it's not fair that I didn't know what was happening, and next time you might be pushing this life on someone who really doesn't want it," he said.

"Do you think I run around turning people whenever the mood strikes?" Nicholas snapped.

"I think you turned me because you love me, and you convinced yourself it was the right thing to do. I really hope you find love again one day, and if that happens I don't want you convincing yourself to make the same mistake again. It's not fair."

It wasn't clear if his words were getting through, but if they weren't now, maybe they would later, when Gideon had gone and Nicholas had had time to think about what he'd said.

"Thank you for everything you did give me," he said.

Nicholas didn't say anything. His shoulders were hunched, his head lowered, and despite everything, Gideon felt a pang of guilt that he was causing Nicholas so much pain.

Maybe he should have given him some warning?

But how was he supposed to do that? This was the only real relationship he'd ever been in, and most of it had been led by Nicholas.

Nicholas watched as Gideon quietly packed up the few clothes that he possessed, but neither of them spoke – what else was there to say?

It still hurt, knowing that Gideon was saying goodbye to what had been such an important part of his life, but it was exciting too. He tried not to show that part, though. Nicholas was hurting enough.

The night seemed somehow brighter as he left the inn, and Gideon smiled as he walked down the street, his entire life crammed into one bag.

Saying goodbye hadn't been easy, but he felt freer now than he had in a long time.

It was time to start walking his own road.

Part 5/5

On Friday, we're going back to the modern day for a Renie and Edmond story. See you all then :)