Big mistake. Big big mistake.

I have always wanted to follow my heart, but right now, when my heart was broken into several tiny pieces, I didn't know which piece I should follow.

Stars glistened like snow flakes over the warm black sky. I stared at the mystical wilderness of the starlit night, that would soon fade away with the blossoming brilliant arcs of the morning sun. And with that, the morning breeze would spill my secrets to the world. But for now, the darkness had sprawled its wings, and the sky lit up with the incandescence of the luminous moon and stars.

It is only when the darkness sinks over the night, that the moon truely floats in all its glory. I too hope, the darkness within me will soon sink and once I float, I will get a glimpse of the light within my soul.

A soft breeze tousled my hair and I smiled at the clouds that flowed with the choreographed sway of the air. Even the raged wind had a companion tonight —the clouds.

While here I sat, in solitary confinement, dousing myself in my confusion and indecisiveness. But I had to make a decision. Even the sky has learnt how to say goodbye to the stars when the night bleeds into the tincture of dawn. So must I.

I felt something shift behind me and I turned to see Layla walking into my room with her stylist hot on her heels, cowered under a bunch of garments bags. I raised my eyebrows at her, but she ignored me as she continued to instruct the maids and her stylist about the clothes, which now lay haphazardly around my room.

"What brings you here?" I asked, picking up a bag to inspect the dress inside.

Layla dismissed the help and came to stand besides me, helping me pull out a tea pink dress. "This is my favourite one, but you can pick any of the dresses you want for tomorrow's function. These are all custom pieces I had designers prepare for you. The red one might need some alterations though, so I suggest you try it now if you want to wear it tomorrow."

"It's not my wedding tomorrow," I rolled my eyes, seeing the ox blood outfit lying at the other end of the couch. "That looks like a bridal outfit. Why would you order that for Dada Jaan's birthday?"

Layla went to lie on my bed, pushing the pillows to the side, her thick tresses splayed over her shoulder. "No one really cares about that. I doubt Dada Jaan even remembers it's his birthday. It's just an excuse to announce the alliance and your engagement." She said in a bored tone, her hands fiddling with the tussles of my pillow, but I knew she was right. "Plus, if mum had her way, you'd actually be dressed like a bride."

I groaned, burying my face in my palms in frustration. "It's forty degrees outside. I'll melt. The fact that I'm not excited, doesn't help either." I threw the heavily embroidered duppatta back on the couch.

Layla chuckled, "At least, he looks good. Imagine if it had been a middle aged man with a dad bod. Oh my lord, even the thought is frightening." She closed her eyes, shaking her head vehemently. "I'd hate to have ugly nieces and nephews."

"—are we seriously discussing this right now?" I muttered, throwing a pillow at her. Warmth graced my face.

"Ouch!" She shrieked catching the pillow. "It's not like we have anything better to discuss." She shrugged, relaxing back into the bed.

I rolled my eyes, "I'm really not in the mood. My life is already messed up and you're only adding to my miseries right now."

Layla straightened up, looking at me intently. "I understand, but this is the reality. You have to face it, you don't have a choice. Aliyaar —errr—Bhai? Am I supposed to call him bhai now?" Her eyebrows furrowed together as genuine confusion fleeted across her face and I couldn't help but laugh.

"He is older than you. Might as well." I smiled settling on the bed, pulling the duvet over me. "What are you thinking?"

"It's just a little weird. I always, sort of, imagined Shehryar as my brother in law. But we can't always have what we want." She sighed and her face lit with genuine sympathy and I cringed. The last thing I wanted right now were people feeling sorry at my condition.

I felt exhausted. Pretending to be strong was a hard and tiresome job. It's like drowning, when the darkness envelopes you, the deep cold water slowly closes in on your body and your warm breath gradually melts into the cold water. The anguish and pain catches up, as the body floats, drifting away from the shore of reality.

I looked up and Layla gave me a weak smile. "It'll be alright. You'll be alright. Honestly, after all I had heard about him I wasn't sure in the beginning, but he seems to care for you."

I nod my head unsure of what to say. "Why were you unsure?" I asked absentmindedly, opening the box of jewellery lying in front of me.

"Please don't tell me, you don't know about his dating history. You know how these men are. Thank god, Zaroon has changed, otherwise I would have chopped off his—"

"TMI Layla!" I screamed covering my ears in mortification. Layla giggled, enjoying my bewildered expression and for a moment I forgot all about my worrisome thoughts. "Wait. You know about Zaroon Bhai?"

Layla looked at me like I had grown a pair of horns all of a sudden. "I'm not blind, Shanzae. I've known for ages. We've been together for a while now, but we never told anyone."

"You sneaky bitch."

She shrugged, zipping open her bag to pull out a small box. "He proposed three months ago." She said holding out a ring. "I think he has talked to Dada Jaan as well." My eyes darted between her and the ring, too shocked to comprehend her words. She laughed at my reaction. "C'mon get over it already."

"Umm— sorry I just found out my sister is secretly engaged. I think I deserve a second." I said, scooting closer to see the ring. "Are you happy?" I asked earnestly, I hope at least one of us is.

She nodded her head, her hands holding mine in an assuring grip. "I was so angry when I first found out. But you know the best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected place." I smile, trying to control the tears that brimmed my eyes, threatening to spill any moment. "He acts like a love struck puppy sometimes."

We both laugh at her words. "He treats me like a princess. You know he got me a Zuhair Ayad dress for tomorrow's function. What else do I want?" Her eyes shone with excitement.

"You'd be stuck here forever." I whispered my concern.

"Better than being stuck in another cage. At least I know I've someone who cares for me deeply, someone who'd fight the world for me. Let's face it, we both know we can't control our lives, but we can control how we respond to it. That's where the power lies. And right now, I enjoy the power I have over this man."

Layla's words echoed through me, and I rub my hands together. My mind was clouded with numerous shades of black, white and grey blurring everything with its chaos and confusion; any ray of colour seemingly blocked off by the murkiness of pessimism that seemed content to lodge within me. I felt myself being drawn in and before I fell back into that hollow pit I blurt out.

"I told Aliyaar about my feelings for Shehryar."

"You did what?" I heard Layla shriek in a low pitch voice. Her face ajar in cursory shock.

I looked away. I was too tired of explaining myself. "What did he say?" I heard her ask, her voice considerably softer this time.

"He gave me until morning to tell him my decision."

"Stop giving me bits and pieces and tell me what happened?"

Flashback

"I don't want to hurt you. I have nothing against you, but your world, your dreams, your aspirations are very different from mine. This world suffocates me. These games, these lies they disgust me. For a cripplingly introverted person, to land up in goldfish bowl like this would only kill me. All I ask for is a simple life away from the unforgiving eyes of the society, away from the realms of this confinement. A life without the overbearing weight of my family," I said, my head bowed down in resignation.

"You decision won't hurt me. Even if it did, I would rather you hurt me today, than hurt yourself for a lifetime," I heard him say, as he walked back to stand in front of me. His hand gently clasped around my neck as his thumb pushed my chin up to face him.

Despite the heaviness that had settled inside me, I fluttered at his delicate touch. The simple action had my insides surging with ardor. He stepped closer, his hands cupping my face forcing me look into those stormy eyes that peered into mine, laboriously scavenging my soul.

The air around us was thick with an inexplicable frigidness to it. And I felt myself shudder, like I had been kissed by the first nip of cold after a long gruesome summer. But the warmth emanating from him seeped into my being, silently comforting my battered soul, urging me to make my choice.

"You have to make a choice — Shehryar or me? Whoever your choice is, it has to be your own. Don't let our families steal that shine from your eyes. Make your choice. I promise you, you'll have my support." His eyes twinkled with a genuine concern, a soft reassuring smile played on his lips. I feel his palms press further against my cheeks, pulling my face closer and I closed my eyes as doubts shoot through me like a piercing arrow.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, holding on to his shirt, as my body sagged against him, my muscles too limp to support me. His right hand left my face to circle my waist, while he gently caressed my face with his other one.

He smiled, "I know what it's like to feel alone, surrounded by darkness and hopelessness. I didn't have a choice, but I'd want you to have one."

I didn't have a chance to respond, because a knock sounded behind us and I jumped at the rude intrusion. Shehryar stood behind us, his eyes flickering between the two of us. "Are you two alright?" He asked apprehensively, his eyes looking at me questioningly.

I moved away from Aliyaar, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. "What do you want, Shehryar?" I heard Aliyaar ask behind me. I couldn't help but notice the slight annoyance in his tone.

"Your mother is calling," he replied walking in to give me my phone. I grasped looking at the several missed calls from mother.

"I'll be back." I quickly darted out of the room. Too aware of the ominous tension jarring through the room.

When I returned, I head Aliyaar scold Yaar in a hushed tone. "—you didn't think it necessary to tell me about how she feels?"

"Why else would I send my proposal? I assumed you knew about it." Shehryar argued. "I didn't know her grandfather would throw a fit at the last moment."

Aliyaar shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "He is a conniving old man. I should have known better what I was getting myself into. But there is no choice right now. If you hadn't been such a dumbhead, we wouldn't have been stuck in this situation."

"I am a dumbhead?" His lips pursed in annoyance. "I did what I had to do to protect all of us. You and her. You are still a better choice for her than Jehangir." I trembled as his voice rose, Yaar was never one to lose his temper. "And you. You need her party's support, I don't. Your dreams are my dreams. You can't blame me for protecting what's mine."

Aliyaar sighed heavily. "I understand where you're coming from, but I can't tie her down like this. She doesn't belong in my world. It's annoying how you conveniently decided to skip out on all this information." His face stiffened with a solemn expression.

"I told you she is emotional but this isn't the time or place for emotions. You won't call off the wedding, if you do Malik Sahab will withdraw all the support. You can't just throw everything you've ever worked for." Yaar spoke measuredly. "We lose this election, we lose another five years. Maybe more, if the army decides to step. You can't overlook that possibility."

"I'm not overlooking anything," he said menacingly. "I know this alliance with the Malik family is the only way out. The good thing is they need it as much as we do. But it's unfair to drag her in this mess. She can decide who she wants."

"What do you mean, her family never gave her an option. They would never agree to it. We've tried already. Haven't you seen how stubborn her grandfather is." Yaar combed his fingers through his hair, messing up the perfectly gelled mane. I could feel the frustration radiate off his loosened form.

"They need not know. And when they do, it'll be too late." Aliyaar voice sounded cold and calculative. My heart sank at the tiny glimpse of the shrewd politician that now stood in place of the man I knew moments ago.

"What are you insinuating? This isn't child's play and we aren't toys. You need to tread carefully, Bhai." Yaar tried to reason, but I knew Aliyaar had already made up his mind.

"You both have to trust me. Let her take the decision." His eyes clashed with mine and his expression softened. The storm that had been raging in his eyes, suddenly died down. Yaar followed his line of gaze and turned around to see my standing by the door. I bit the inside of my cheek, shifting uncomfortably under their scrutinising eyes.

"Shanzae, you should have come to me. You should have talked to me. We can't let our emotions dictate our decisions." Yaar spoke in a defeated tone as he walked up to me. "I told you, you can't calm the storm, but you can calm yourself and the storm will pass."

Aliyaar came to stand besides him. His hand patting his shoulder. "We've had enough for today. I'll drop you home. It is getting late." He spoke with an air of finality. Yaar and I looked at each other in silence, no one daring to utter another word.

➰➰➰

Layla looked at me incredulously. Her mind processing the vortex of information I had just imparted. "What are you going to do now?" She asked slowly, her face still ridden with shock and horror.

"I don't know. I feel like I made the biggest mistake by telling him. I don't know what I was thinking." Despite the chaos bubbling within me, I felt lighter, like a weight of a boulder had been lifted off of me. The terrifying thoughts that had been suffocating me with their whispers seems to ebb away into faint echos. I never knew sharing my feelings could be so liberating.

"You've always been impulsive and emotional about things you've felt strongly about. But I didn't think he'd react like that." Layla remarked slowly, like she was piecing together fragments of her broken thoughts.

"What do you suggest I do, Layla. I've already made a bad decision. I don't want to make another one." I heaved a laboured breath, plopping back into the pillows sprawled against the head rest. I feel a faint pulse twitch in my temples. Weariness and fatigue finally catching up.

"Good decisions come from experience and that comes from making bad decisions." She said shifting against her elbow. "I'd choose your freedom, I'd choose you. Forget everyone and think about yourself." She placed her hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes to look at her.

"What do you mean?" I asked turning towards her.

"Even the darkest of night comes to an end after the sun rises. I know you feel lost right now, but you'll find your way eventually. He is giving you a chance to live your life on your own terms, a chance to be away from all of this. I'd say, take it!"

"But I don't want to hurt Aliyaar."

"It's not like he is in love with you. He didn't even know how you looked like 3 days ago. This is nothing more than a deal for all of them out there, there is no emotion involved. You of all should know, politics and emotions don't gel together." She said and I sat up listening to each word carefully.

"I just don't want you regretting years from now, that you had an opportunity yet you didn't take it. And then you'd have no one to blame, but yourself." She reasoned.

I nod my head, "I wish things weren't this ugly. I wish life was simpler. Easier." My shoulders sagged and I looked down in despair.

"I understand. It's not easy to choose between two good looking men. That too brothers." She quipped, her lips drawn together in all seriousness.

"—are you being real right now?" I asked disbelievingly. She smiled jestingly.

"I was just making light of the situation. But I understand your dilemma. You're faced with extraordinary circumstances, circumstances you weren't prepared for. Your confusion and indecisiveness is warranted. I'd be worried if you weren't confused."

I look at her, as my doubts slowly start to weasel out, the dark gloomy clouds that lurked in my mind began to dissipate, allowing the filtered rays of hope to sear through. Layla's words anchored me and I felt myself edge closer to my choice.

"You have no idea how much you've helped me." I look at her thankfully.

She smiled, pulling my hands into her lap, "We've never been close, but we both care for each other. Seeing you like this made my heart break. It was so unfair to the both of you."

I smiled.

"The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. Choose yourself Shanzae! Choose you."

"You're right. It's always been Shehryar."

^Please just imagine it's Shanzae's face he is holding. 😂

Thoughts on today's chapter?

I've added Layla's aesthetic board in the chapter titled 'Characters'. Also, please check out the wonderful covers my friend Zinu13 has made for Bekhudi in the chapter titled 'Gifts'.

I'm crazy busy these days. Please excuse my inactivity on Wattpad. I will respond to all the comments you guys have left here and catch up on the books I had been reading. ♥️

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