That moment I sat back and waited hours for Dongwoo to comeback, would be the moment I detest most in my life because two hours later, Sungkyu receives a call from someone and the ring of his phone emits the same air of karma that Dongwoo's did.

His face twists in variety of emotions all at the same two minute duration of the call, he whispers something to Woohyun and runs out. Woohyun's look that is aimed at me is conflicted and confused, he passes Sungkyu's words to Kinda who then turns to me.

Her face is paler, and frozen in a way I thought pulled away the flatter of her features. It scared me, and the feeling at the back of my mind telling me that it's something that concerns me sets my insides on fire.

"SoEun ah," she starts, holding my hand and making my senses black out for a moment, "Dongwoo rushed to the hospital, his dad isn't well."

His dad isn't well. The words echo inside my head and I run for my life, for my broken Dongwoo. I see Sungkyu waiting in the car for me, Kinda and Woohyun following behind me. We three jump into the car, leaving our friends unbothered to enjoy the rest of the evening as the car speeds to the hospital.

By the time we are there, there is nothing to see but a crying wife and a frozen son. The days when I used to call him the happy guy drown to me and I run to him, seeking to comfort him. I hug him close and tight, feeling his stiff body between my arms.

Poor Dongwoo, my poor Dongwoo. I'm on the verge of crying while Dongwoo's face stays still, scaring me more. I pat him, telling him it's okay to cry but he doesn't respond to my touch. Not like he used to and not at all.

When I back off and look into his eyes, the same warm happy ones that used to give life to my existence, I see nothing but dead oceans of brown. I don't see my Dongwoo. Where is he?

I cry harder, and harder for him and for the father he lost. The father we lost. But my brain doesn't want to register the fact that the father took his son with him, I don't accept it. My Dongwoo must stay with me.

But he isn't responding, the only thing Dongwoo does is turn to his crying mother as the nurses take the covered figure of his father away. Dongwoo walks away from me like I never existed, like I never came here, and he walks to hug his mother.

His face is still dead, his moves are tense in a way that doesn't add up with the person he is. Or used to be.

No... No.. No! I can't accept this. However, someone pulls me away from him as I watch Woohyun walking to Dongwoo and patting him. If I only came earlier! If I didn't sit back and watch him rush away from me, this wouldn't be happening.

I realize that it's Kinda who's pulling me to the car Sungkyu is going into, and before I can process I'm at my home in my room alone. Seeing nothing but the Dongwoo back at the hospital over and over again.

I didn't lose him.

"I didn't lose him." I tell myself out loud, holding my hair and turning to my bed, prepared to sleep this nightmare and wake up back from where I feel Dongwoo behind me, holding me and asking me who he is.

He's my everything.

A knock comes on my door, but I just hear it. I don't have the power to process it, and the person comes in anyway. I don't move an inch, I see Taehyung sitting beside me and taking me in his arms. Patting me like I'm the little wounded sister again, making me cry it all out and hold him back.

My brother doesn't leave me that day, he stays with me till I wake up the next morning. Moving around between my white sheets, flashbacks to the day of my interview come to me. Can I do it all over again? And correct every mistake I did?

Maybe I can't correct them all. But just this one. Just this one time that I sat back and let him slip out of my hands, I want to rub it off and redo it. And that day, the first thing I did was cry.

The next days go just the same, Dongwoo doesn't pick up my calls and everyone is keeping me away from him. I heard Taehyung having a fight with someone down stairs days later, after watching me lose a part of myself every night and spend my morning going through futile tries of keeping myself together.

Woobin is somewhere, doing something important as Taehyung tells me, he comes back at night, fatigued. He passes by my room and never comes in, Taehyung says he's afraid to see me like this, to face the fact that what he tries to do everyday isn't working. But what is it that he tries to do? I don't know.

What is it that makes him leave me behind when I most need him? I don't know! My thoughts hunt me down as I hear the voice of Hoya shouting back at Taehyung, he's the one who's fighting with him downstairs.

"I told you before and you just don't get it! We all told him! We all tried! Your föken brother comes everyday for it! But he doesn't change his mind! He doesn't want to see her anymore! I'm sorry, we all are, but there is nothing we can do! He's passing through a tough phase!"

Hoya's shouting makes my head shoot up, who doesn't want to see who? It occurs to me that Dongwoo doesn't want to see me anymore. But I fail to register the information, "what the hećk do you mean doesn't want to see her anymore! I lost my sister! Make him get her back the way she was and I don't want to see his face again!--" I hear Hoya cutting Taehyung off at that. Cutting him off just too late, because what I'm afraid to be real is confirmed to be so.

"He is afraid she'll hate him okay! He told me he doesn't want her to see him like this! He can't face her!"

My heart crashes. And I lose another peace, leaving just a few till I lose myself totally. I cry myself to sleep again. I don't count days anymore, because these aren't days to live. These are days to forget, but it's always hunting me. The moment I leave him run away and the sight of his dead insides. Every day, every night, I feel like a fool.

One month passes. One whole month, I see them on TV. Infinite and BTS too, Taehyung had to leave me. I won't blame him for leaving me behind, I became a burden. My parents are afraid to smile in front of me, I'm making everyone so sad.

It's about that time that I had enough, I decide to get a move on it and not give up. I want to do more with my life than just giving up. So I wake up and dress up like I used to, like the real So-eun I'm trying to convince myself that she's alive. Not half dead.

I take my dead half with me and leave the house, looking for another job but I don't get anywhere. Because I can't talk anymore. Because I don't see myself any where without who I have been for the past period of my life.

Without the other half I found, the half who left me to struggle with death as what he left behind. My phone rings as I walk back home, I pick up but I stay quiet.

I think of one more thing that I regret, another thing I don't have the power or guts to try to do again right now. I did try to visit Dongwoo a lot before, sometimes people stopped me from going and other times I managed to slip out and go. But I never managed to meet him, and I stopped when I heard him, with my own ears, say that he doesn't want to see me.

"So-eun ah! Where are you?" Taehyung's worried voice pulls me back to earth and I fail to speak through my dry throat. Moment later, I hear someone running to me as Taehyung keeps calling for me to reply.

I'm afraid if I said something I'll lose another piece of me. I can't afford that. I look in front of me to see Woobin panting, feet away. He runs to me and hugs me, taking my phone and telling Taehyung that I'm okay.

I'm not okay. Woobin hugs me tight, "don't do this again So-eun ah. You scared us to death." He pats me and takes me back home. That day, when I managed to tell a pleading Taehyung where I left to, I got the job of BTS's stylist. Everything is turning.

My brother's band begins to drown in fam and work as he takes me where ever he goes, I gain a new friend over the weeks. We are two stylists responsible for the seven busy boys, Daeyoon and I.

This girl is my turning point, she gave me doses of confidence and trust in the world. She made me laugh and get a taste of who I used to be. She is a happy person, too, who sometimes reminded me of my happy guy. The boy who never left my dreams a day, the boy I learned that I'm still waiting for.

I'm living on yet I'm still stuck in the same place, it's like standing with a camera and focussing on the lens as I turn around and round. Watching the world move too fast around me while I'm still in the same place.

I miss myself. I miss my Dongwoo.

I'm hurting. And I'm convinced that it will never be a happy ending. Not for The White book, nor for Being THE Stylist.

I'm broken. I'm dead inside, but I live on like a ghost with a cover up of a humanoid. I smile and laugh with my new boys who aren't infinite anymore. I appreciate the efforts all my friends are trying and I don't let them know that I'm still half dead.

What now? For how long will I manage to hold on?

_ _ _

Update!! I have only the last chapter to finish writing(not publishing, yeah got couple of ready ones) and bam! This book is complete! Although it's my first book and it's not as good as I want it to be, or even close to what I'm capable of now, I'm grateful.

This is the first book I complete and I have lots of memories through it, I love all of you.