I started two things. 

I started reading 'Feeling Good' by Dr Burns, a pretty decent book on mood therapy. I bought it years back, read it a bit, realized a lot, but had given up.
Now that I picked it up again, it felt like my vision was getting clearer. It gave me insights into my thought distortions, the current state of my mind and so many helpful ways to analyze what I was doing that was wrong. It has only been a day and I am just on page 66, but the book is as profound as it can be in helping me think.

Next, I started listening to an audiobook - 'Anxiety and The Brain' by The Anxiety Guy on Youtube. It was entirely free and again, quite helpful in clearing thoughts and giving me a vision. I listened to it for about half an hour before sleeping and during a walk and it was not only good company, but like a machine clearing the fog of my distortions. 

Activity:

In terms of my homework, I started with the very first technique recommended by Dr Burns - the tabling of my distortions and thought rationalization. This is a very common suggestion that therapists and counsellors recommend and I finally decided to give it a complete shot. I have only used it once so far, but it was somewhat helpful.

Here is how it looks:

The highlight of the day:

As I said, I did read a bit of the book earlier as well, and one thing that continues to fascinate me is the section on types of distortion. I feel like my mind has been read and rationalized and I can finally see what I had been doing all along.

This time around, I felt emotional reasoning to be one of my major distortions, and I can see how it must have been making things terrible for me. I am still unsure of how to get out of it, but it surely is helpful to know my disease.

Realization:

A major realisation occurred to me. I realized the emptiness and longing I felt in conversations with friends and family. I was always searching for something. I needed more from them always. I realized I was searching for myself in them, I just needed myself to be there. 

This is why it felt like I was braving a winter and it was always so cold because there was nothing to comfort or shield me. I was not there for myself enough. And, in every conversation, where I looked for more, I was just missing myself and that made me feel empty. I was expecting the love I should have for myself from everyone. 

Now, I realize I needed me all along.

A message to you reading:

I won't say that all realizations will come to everyone this easily or the first day would be a breakthrough. I am not at all saying that I would now be forever strong or fighting and never break down. I feel like I am trying like you are trying and maybe we together can fight it, put on the right lens, and see the world as it is.

I know you are trying. You are holding the fort down and I know you have made one step towards making it better. Congratulations.
Let's make this happen together.
Let's be there for ourselves.
All the best!