"Owww," I moaned.

I lay like a tangled starfish on the ground, covered in dust. Groaning a little more, I untangled my mangled and bruised limbs and lifted myself up off the ground. I clutched my ribs as an ache overcame me and stumbled over to Henry, patting him on the shoulder.

"Good thinking man," I said, wincing as I tried to release the ache. "Now how the fuck are we gonna get that file back?"

He blankly glanced at me and stared back at the fence. We curled our fingers over the lip of the wood panelling and peeked up over it.

Much to my disappointment, my newly found trousers were being strung up on a pole and jabbed into the topmost region of the jumping castle as the girls huddled around what I suspected was the file.

"We have to get it back," I whispered, turning to Henry as we both jumped down from the fence.

He glanced at my knees. "Nice knickers."

I followed his gaze and was greeted by Iron Man's mask and lighted palm. "Hmmpf," I mused. "I forgot I was wearing those."

We nodded alternately at Iron Man, content with the style and design of my underwear, and put our attention back on retrieving the file – and my pants.

"Hey!" I yelled over the fence. "Hey! Little girl!"

Lilly strutted up to me and stuck her hands firmly on her hips. "What?"

"Do you mind giving me that?"

"Yes."

"Well...can I have it?"

She didn't budge.

"Any time now would be nice," Henry said, popping over the fence.

"You're one big fugging mess, aren't ya?" she said to him. "And no, you can't have your fugging paper back."

Her piercing eyes shot themselves between us as she stamped her foot and waltzed back over to friends.

I popped back down off the fence. "Well, that went well," I mused, turning to Henry as he hurriedly wiped away a lone tear.

"What are we gonna do?" Henry asked, mustering up all his damaged self-esteem.

"Get it back."

"How?"

"By force," I glared at the pack of Disney princesses and stuck my bare leg up in the air. "A leg up would be handy."

"Oh, yes. I suppose," Henry said, stumbling to hoist me up over the fence.

The panes of thin wood scraped against my crotch as I awkwardly swung myself over the fence. I managed to gently place myself on both feet this time, and grinning, sprinted for the group. Upon seeing my hurried and pantless advance towards them, they screamed and departed every which way with the file.

"Fuck!" I muttered, chasing after one.

We ran around in circles as parents stared wide-eyed at us. The hoard of demonised princesses tried to gage my attention from various vantage points in the yard, waving the sheets through the air as they did so.

"Girls!" the birthday princess called out. I gazed up. She stood proudly atop a treehouse, waving my pirate trousers over the railing. I watched as they all rushed methodically towards the tree.

"Not this time, princess!" I sprang into action, swatting at one of them and successfully missing as she squirmed out of my grip. Where Henry and Jerry were at this point in time disappointed me. I needed backup. Let's just say the hippie bikie has an irrational fear of tiny children and is meditating behind the fence for now.

So, that left me and my Iron Man knickers to battle it out by ourselves. I grimaced, rushing for the girls' as they scampered up into the treehouse and laughed at me. I reached the ladder, about to scamper up after them.

And then I was screaming in pain.

It's really the only way to describe it. Somehow, on my flight up the brittle ladder, one of the little fucks squeezed a whole lemon into my open eyes!

"My eyes! My eyes!" I screeched, running to a parting in the table to find something to flush them out with. I felt the stares of the remaining adults on me as I groped the table for something useful, finding a jug through my temporary blindness.

I plunged my hand into it to check it was water, and once I was satisfied, I tilted my head back and poured the whole thing into my pried-open eyes.

It was not water.

Now, not only did I have a sour attitude, but also two blackcurrant drenched eyeballs.

"FUCK!" I screamed running in circles, a cold wind nipping at my thighs.

The shrill of laughter rained down from the treetops as I danced around in pain, eventually collapsing onto the grass. Wheezing as I pulled blindly at a tuft of grass, I felt someone grasp me heavily by the collar.

"You're an idiot and an asshole," they breathed.

Recognising the voice, a stone began to grow in my stomach. How did he get in here?

He pushed me over onto my back aggressively and held me there, pressing his knee into my chest so I couldn't move. Here we go. This was the moment the old Jack came back. My face would be beaten into a pulp and I'd have a deformed face for the rest of my life. I winched.

"Relax!"

Pulling my head back, a cold splash of pure water flushed over my eyes and face. I blinked, letting my vision slowly return.

"What happened to your pants?"

"Take a guess," I scoffed, using his shirt to drag myself up off the ground.

He shrugged the remark off. "We don't have much time," he replied quickly. "Where's the file?"

"The demonised princesses," I coughed.

Simultaneously, the pair of us strung our hands on our hips and stared up at the giggling girls now waving my pants on a stick through the air.

"Why are you here?" I asked quietly.

"Blood is thicker than water after all," was all he said as he scampered over to the tree.

He reached the base and pulled a tightly wrapped metallic package from his pocket, popping the cap off it. A flurry of smoking gas fumed from the can as he tossed it up onto the deck of the treehouse making the children scream.

"What are you doing!?" I screeched.

"Solving your problem," he replied obliviously, pulling his shirt over his mouth and climbing up the ladder.

He disappeared into the mist, as I stood, mid panic attack. What had he done now? The police would be all over us for using lethal force and all for what? A file? He soon returned in triumph with my pants and the file.

He tossed them at me. "Oi!" He clicked his fingers. "Snap out of it!"

I breathed, unable to move. What had he done? My breathing quickened as Jack grabbed my arm, causing me to stumble.

"Butch, I need ya buddy!"

I shook my head, snapping out of it as a parent rushed for the tree. The parents had not only rung the police and ambulances for their precious darlings, but were also now trying to citizen arrest the pair of us.

"What did you do!?" I screamed, dodging an incoming parent in a blue suit.

"It's just tear gas, relax," he said as he scanned the backyard for a clean way out.

He shoved me forward, my pants falling out of my arms. I dropped to the ground, swiping them and pulling them on. I rolled to the ground to avoid an angry mother and her vintage cheese block. Grabbling to my feet, I ran straight for the now deflating jumping castle.

"We have to jump over that fence!" I yelled as the pair of us jointly leapt up onto the sinking cushion.

The sirens now whirred in our ears as we soared over the fence and landed heavily on the dirt of the neighbour's yard. I scanned the yard and spotted Henry crouched on the ground. He sat, rocking himself in a flood of tears.

"We have to go!" I urged Henry, tugging at his sleeve.

He lifted his face, staring up at me, his eyes glazing over. "Leave without me," he quietly said. "It's too late for me."

"What the heck is he talking about?" Jack asked, impatiently.

I shot an angry glance in Jack's direction, before I returned my attention back to Henry.

"The children...they...they..."

"They what?' I cooed, placing a hand on his buff shoulder.

He didn't reply, shaking his head. "Just go without me," was all he said as the faces of two officers peeked over the fence.

"BUTCH!" Jack shouted, skipping on the spot and heading for the road.

I nodded at Henry.

"I hope I see you soon my friend," I said, springing into action and following Jack. Leaving Henry to wallow in his own demise, the pair of us ran for the road.