Soyi P.o.V

When my mother opened the door, she worriedly brushed with her hand over my cheeks, as if she would wipe away the tears I spent two years ago.

It had been an exhausting day for me.
Even if I didn't have to take part in a scene, it had been a busy time, studying my text, talking to my manager, planning interviews and so on. Normally I would do all of this without any problem, but it get's a lot harder, if you have those thoughts in your head all the time.

The thoughts of what had happened two years ago.

It had been a day like today, it was a bit clouded outsided, but a warm summerbreeze filled the air. You could smell, that fall was coming soon. I had been sitting on a swing, you next to me.

you had been wearing the same dress as me. We always dressed the same on sundays, if we would go somewhere or just stay in the garden. You had been 18 back then, I had been two years older.

"Unnie, you look beautiful."

I had smiled at you, and had taken you by the hand. My little sister, I'm sorry for what I did to you, I know you already forgave me, but I will never forgive me.

I had pulled you after me, the garden was too small for us, we just wanted to be free.

Are you free now, little sister?

My hands hadn't known what they were doing. The grip around your hand wouldn't loosen, even when I had pulled you over the streets  behind me.

You had laughed so much, your voice had sounded so funny when you chuckled happily.
We had been together after years, and did what we would have done when we were kids.

Our parents taught us how to use our brain, but I had followed my heart.

The light of the headlights had given your white dress a beautiful glow. You always looked gorgeous, little sister, in every way.

Even back then, when the sudden flash of light had made you turn your head to me. Your hair were hazelnut colored, and when I saw your eyes for the last time, they fell down like a curtain of pure silk down your shoulders.

It had happened so fast, and when I had finally woken up again, your funeral had already been over.

I never said good bye.

I had cried day and night, I spent all these tears for you. May they remind you of how much you mean to me

And now, that my mother was giving me a caring hug, I was reminded of this beautiful times with my sister, which were the most precious memories I had, but also did I have to feel all this pain again.

Not crying is worse than crying, it hurts so much more. I would love to cry like mom did, but I had spent so much tears on her, there were no more left.

It was my fault, it would be forever mine.

Losing someone is so painful, that I didn't want to lose someone ever again.

I didn't talk often to my family anymore, I tried to stay away from my childhood friends, I didn't go on dates.

I was alone.
But that was the price I had to pay for it.

After my mother let go of me I rushed into my room, and tried to stifle the memories with work I had to do, and I took out the script.

There would be a scene in the series, where I would have to kiss officer Pol.
It was not that I was scared of doing so, especially because I already did kiss him in the casting, but it just didn't seem right.

I was minding every contact with people in real life, but when it happened in front of a camera I could pretend everything, even love.
Love, something I hadn't felt since an eternity.

When you prevented love for a long time, is there still a possibility to love again?