Saying those words was never easy. Halos mag-breakdown ako sa harapan niya pagkatapos sabihin iyon. There was a part of me na gustong bawiin nalang ang mga salitang nasabi at mayroon ding parte na pagod na at nagsasabing sapat lang ang ginawa ko.

Nanatili ang tingin niya sa akin na parang binabasa kung nagsasabi ako ng totoo o hindi. Akala ko ay ipipilit pa niya...akala ko ay hindi siya susuko agad...that's why I was surprised when he hugged me so tight and whispered to me calmly.

"Mag-iingat ka. Huwag mong pababayaan ang sarili mo." Those were the last words he said before he tapped my back, smiled at me, and turned his back to walk away.

My whole body trembled and I tried my best not to fall on my knees while watching him go. It was like I was watching him walk away from my life but I kept on whispering to myself that it's for the better.

I cried my heart out the moment I closed the door of my room. Ang sakit-sakit. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko magiging malakas na ako pero ang hina-hina ko pa rin...lalo na pagdating sa kanya.

Siguro nga...siya ang kahinaan ko.

Kahit na wasak na ang puso ko nang dahil sa kanya...siya pa rin talaga ang natatanging nakakapagpahina sa akin nang sobra.

Humagulgol ako habang yakap-yakap ang teddy bear na binigay niya sa akin. It was just so sad...so freaking sad.

Ang bilis kong sumaya no'ng mga nakaraang linggo pero ang bilis ding bawiin ng lahat sa akin. My friends, my love, my reputation...everything.

Ate kept on knocking on the door when she went home pero hindi ko magawang buksan iyon dahil gusto ko munang mapag-isa. There were so many thoughts to think of...including what I just said to him before I shove him away.

About me...moving to the US.

Tama nga sila no'ng sinabi nilang huwag gagawa ng desisyon kapag magulo ang isip. Hindi pa naman kasi talaga ako nakakapagdecide although the offer and their advocacy was really good, pero ngayon kailangan ko na tuloy panindigan ang sinabi ko kay Kal.

Kailangan ko na talagang umalis.

Pero siguro nga, ito ang plano ng Diyos. Maybe it's the way I could redeem myself and start again. Baka nga kailangan ko na talaga munang lumayo at ayusin ang sarili ko. Because if I don't...baka dumepende na naman ako sa mga taong nagbibigay ng comfort at halaga sa akin...which I shouldn't do. Dahil kailangan kong matuto na mahalin at tanggapin ang sarili ko, hindi dahil sa mahal ako at tanggap ng ibang tao, kundi dahil tanggap ko at mahal ang mga pagkukulang at pagkakaiba ko sa iba.

I should learn how to love myself for who I am. Hindi iyon magiging madali dahil sa mga napagdaanan ko but I can do it eventually in time. I will embrace my flaws and imperfections...and flaunt it.

Self love comes from within at iyon ang dapat kong matutunan.

A day after that confrontation with Kal, I've finally made up my mind. The agent was beyond happy to know that I'm gonna accept the offer but my family wasn't that happy, especially my sisters...but they eventually gave me their permission. Mukha namang walang pakialam si Mama but Ate told me na pumayag naman siya.

Maybe without me in the house would make her happy.

My father also went home when he learned about what happened at nagtalo sila ni Mama. Tila mas sumama pa ang timpla ng relasyon nila pagkatapos nun and I somehow felt guilty and sad about it.

"Sorry, anak. Hindi ko alam." He repeatedly said while hugging me.

I cried upon hearing that. Dahil paano nga naman niya malalaman? He cannot be reached kapag tinatawagan. Minsan nga pakiramdam namin wala na kaming tatay dahil kung hindi makaparamdam ay para na siyang patay. I wanted to say that to him so badly, but Ate already did that for us, at wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang umiyak habang pinapakinggan sila.

The emotional damage was just...too much.

But in the end ay payapa namang umalis si Papa at kahit papaano ay nagkaintindihan naman kami.

That's what a calm conversation can do.

I was crying while packing my things, reminiscing the things that happened to me recently. It was like a rollercoaster ride of emotion, it was too fast to alternate between happiness and exhilaration to sadness and disappointment.

Ngunit marami mang masakit na nangyari sa akin sa mga nakalipas na linggo ay hindi ko maipagkakaila na may nangyari rin namang mabuti sa akin — ang pagiging okay namin ng mga kapatid ko at ni Papa, at ang opportunity na natanggap ko mula US.

"Babalik po ako ng school ngayon, aayusin ko lang po 'yung papers ko." I informed my mom and sisters while we were eating.

"Okay ka na ba? I mean...gusto mo bang samahan kita?" Ate asked but I immediately shook my head.

"Hindi na, Ate. Ako nalang." I bravely muttered.

Dahil kailangan ko nang matuto na harapin sila na ako lang...pagod na akong matakot sa kanila.

I looked at myself in the mirror while preparing. I was holding my makeup products but an idea struck my mind kung kaya't ibinalik ko sila sa lalagyan.

For now, at least before I leave, I want to be real.

I want to unmask myself and show them who I really am.

Wala na akong pakialam sa kung anong sasabihin nila dahil nakakapagod...nakakapagod nang magtago sa likod ng isang maskara. At kahit ano naman ang gawin ko...may masasabi't masasabi pa rin sila sa akin.

I took a deep breath as I stared at the university's gate.

"Kaya mo 'to, Lia." I whispered to myself repeatedly before finally going and the moment I set my foot inside...I oddly felt a different kind of freedom within me.

"Hala, gagi! 'Yung babae, tingnan mo!"

"Siya 'yung nasa ONE FEU community diba?"

"'Yung nagviral siz, siya nga 'yun!"

I sighed and continued walking away.

I feel brave despite all the whispers and stares. I didn't let them get to me...for the first time.

"Liaaaa!"

I smiled when I saw Maya running towards me.

"Hi, Maya!" Nakangiti kong bati at inaasahan ko na papansinin niya ang mukha kong walang kahit anong nakalagay na make-up ngunit hindi iyon nangyari. It even looked like she didn't care about my face at all.

She suddenly let out a frown. "Ano 'tong narinig ko na aalis ka raw? Totoo ba 'yun?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango sa kanya. "I'll be leaving in a week."

"Saan? Saan ka pupunta? Kung pwede mo lang namang sabihin."

I sighed. "US."

Maya gasped. "Ang layo! Mamimiss kita, Lia! Wala na akong hihilain sa org."

Natawa naman ako nang bahagya. "Marami ka namang kaibigan, Maya."

"Well, tama ka naman. But..." she stopped and I suddenly noticed her uneasiness. "Nevermind. By the way, kain naman tayo sa labas bago ka umalis, sagot ko na! Padespidida lang!"

My eyes narrowed a bit as I looked at her. Sa maiksing panahon na nakikilala at nakasama ko siya, isa sa mga bagay na napansin ko sa kanya ang pagkamisteryoso niya. Sure, she always seems to have that 'happy-go-lucky' vibe and light aura whenever I talk to her, but there's that...enigmatic glint in her eyes that I couldn't ponder. Sometimes, I could feel like what I see about her was just a facade.

But she's a good person.

Sa katunayan ay hindi ko inaasahang mananatili siya sa tabi ko pagkatapos ng lahat.

"Sure," nakangiti kong sagot sa tanong niya bago kami nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.

"Lia," she called me again at agad akong humarap sa kanya. "I know I am not in the position to say this...but I hope...you won't let the bashings get to you."

I smiled and gave her a nod. "I won't."

"You're beautiful and unique. They're just too dumb not to see it because of their shitty so-called standards which shouldn't even be existing in the first place." She smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

"Salamat, Maya." I tearfully said. Natawa naman siya dahil doon.

"Pasok ka na, baka mag-iyakan pa tayo dito kahit 'di pa naman ngayon ang alis mo." She laughed.

When I went inside the room, I immediately heard gasps and saw their shocked faces while looking at me. Agad ko ring napansin ang mga kaibigan ko sa isang tabi, mukhang gulat na gulat din na makita ang mukha ko.

"Whoa! That's her bare face!"

"Ibang-iba nga!"

"But she doesn't look that bad naman ah!"

"Bulag ka ba? Tingnan mo ang skin niya oh!"

"And her eyes...they're huge."

"Wala rin siyang kilay, si Miss Pi ba yan?"

"Mona Lisa kamo, gagi!"

I just sighed and shrugged off the whispers I was hearing. Bahala sila d'yan, sinong napagod? Ako ba?

"So brave of you."

My eyes widened when someone sat beside me.

"Yuri." I muttered her name when she looked at me. Nagugulat pa rin talaga ako sa tuwing kakausapin niya ako because that's really something na hindi niya ginagawa sa iba lalo na sa mga hindi niya gustong tao...as per Maya.

She smirked. "I like your bare face."

Nahihiya naman akong ngumiti. "T-Thank you."

When the class ended ay saktong tumunog naman ang phone ko. I opened the message and saw that it was Maya.

Fort Strip, BGC, bukas, 6pm. See you luv, u can bring anyone muah

I chuckled and an idea immediately struck my mind when I saw Yuri.

"Yuri!" I called her dahil palabas na siya nang room, akala ko hindi siya hihinto dahil ang bilis ng lakad niya, but she surprisingly she did kaya ngiting-ngiti akong lumapit sa kanya, kahit medyo nakakahiya ang gagawin ko.

"B-Busy ka ba bukas? S-Sama ka sa amin ni Maya, uh...dinner lang...padespidida ko na rin..." I looked away and sighed dahil mukhang hindi siya natutuwa. "Aalis na kasi ako...I'll move to US in a week."

She raised a brow at akala ko ay tatanggi na talaga siya.

"I'll see if I can go." She answered before going at nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag.

"I can't believe this."

"Hayaan muna, Tasha. Pareho naman silang weirdo kaya nagkakasundo."

"Losers."

I heard my old friends whispering as they passed by. I just smiled at them when they looked at me dahil ayaw ko namang magmukhang ingrata...kasi kahit papaano ay may nagawa naman silang mabuti sa akin.

I called Jae after class. Alam kong busy siya pero gusto ko lang magbakasakali dahil isa siya sa mga taong nanatili sa tabi ko no'ng halos isuka na ako ng lahat.

"Hello, namiss mo ko 'no?" He answered and I laughed.

"Gagi ka, hindi!"

"Hmm, eh ano? Gusto mo lang marinig boses ko?"

Wow, hangin.

"Gagi, iimbitahan lang sana kita. Dinner mamaya, sa BGC, 6 pm, kung hindi ka busy."

"Wow, BGC. Grabe naman yarn, birthday mo ba?"

"Lol hindi. Padespidida lang, aalis na kasi ako next week."

There was silence after I said that at kung hindi ko lang nacheck kung on-going pa ang tawag ay baka inisip ko nang wala na akong kausap.

"Aalis ka?" He asked after almost a minute.

I sighed. "Oo eh, kailangan."

"K-Kailan? At saan ka pupunta?"

"US. Next week."

There was again a long pause. Nalungkot naman ako nang maisip na baka nagulat ko siya.

"Okay, I'll be there." Aniya at pinatay ang tawag.

Gaya nang napagkasunduan ay nagkita-kami sa BGC. I wasn't sure if Yuri can go pero bago ako umalis ay nagsend din ako ng message sa kanya kung saan kami magkikita-kita.

Maya and I met first at pareho naman kaming nagulat habang naglalakad no'ng makita si Yuri.

"Omg! Pumunta ka nga! Yehey!" Maya happily said and pulled Yuri na mukhang alanganin pa. "And you think we won't recognize you? Gagsti ka talaga, Yuri!"

Natawa naman ako at ngumiti kay Yuri.

"Thank you for coming."

She smirked. "I'm just bored. Got nothing to do."

"Weh? Yuri. Weh?" Maya teased her kung kaya't ang ingay bigla namin.

"What's up? Sorry for being late. Something suddenly came up."

Ang nakangiting si Jae ang bumungad no'ng lumingon ako. He looked so good in his black polo, bagay din sa kanya ang medyo nakaayos niyang buhok.

"English 'yun ah." I laughed before tapping his shoulders. "Buti nakarating ka!"

"Ako pa ba? Eh libre na 'yun!" He laughed.

"Sabagay, kuripot ka nga!" Natatawa kong sabi.

"Oo na, kuripot na!" He went silent after that at nagulat naman ako no'ng bigla siyang bumulong. "Ang ganda mo."

It was weird at agad akong napasimangot sa kanya no'ng may mapagtanto.

"Si Maya ang manlilibre oy! Hindi ako!"

"Well, I just want to say that to you dahil mukhang hindi mo alam." He laughed at hinayaan ko na.

We were just happily walking and were about to cross the street when some group of people went in our direction at muntik pa akong madapa nang dahil doon.

"Hindi ba't ikaw si Lia? 'Yung nagviral?"

"Bakit wala kang make-up ngayon?"

"Kayo pa ba ni Kal?"

"Bakit ka ba niya nagustuhan? Ginayuma mo ba siya?"

"O baka naman dahil magaling ka sa kama?"

"Malandi! Akala pa naman namin matino ka!"

My eyes widened because of shock. I thought it was just a coincidence na dumaan sila sa amin, pero mukhang hindi.

"Hey, hey! Ano 'to? Can you please stop?" Maya tried to intervene pero pati siya ay natulak, mabuti nalang ay nasalo siya ni Yuri bago siya bumagsak.

"Can you please stop? You're hurting them. Mali ang ginagawa niyong 'yan. And please...stop calling her names!" Jae stood beside me and hugged me.

"Jae! Ikaw pala 'yan!"

"So, totoo ang rumors?"

"Hiwalay na ba sila?"

"At ikaw na naman ang nilalandi ng pangit na 'yan?"

"You whore! Ang pangit pangit mo!"

Nasilaw ako no'ng tumama ang flash sa akin.

"Mamatay ka nang malandi ka!"

"You don't deserve Jae and Kal!"

"Pangit na nga malandi pa!"

"Maninira ng tao! Famewhore!"

Ano bang pinangsasabi nila? Sobra sobra na ah. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama sa kanila ah.

"What the fuck are you saying? Saan niyo napulot ang balitang 'yan? Hindi ganyan si Lia!" Inis na sagot ni Jae.

"Yeah, right. May ebidensya ba kayong magpapatunay sa mga sinasabi niyong malandi ang kaibigan ko? Kung meron, nasaan?"

Jae and Maya kept on shoving them away but there were so many.

"Fuckers, I'll destroy you all after this." Yuri angrily said and held my arm, kasabay nun ang pagtutok ng isang phone sa amin na tila kinukunan kami ng video.

When I saw my friends struggling because of them ay doon na ako natauhan. This shouldn't be fucking happening.

Kailangan ko nang tuldukan 'to bago pa may madamay na iba. Dahil mas lalong hindi ko kakayanin kung ang mga mahal ko na ang madamay.

"Tama na!" I shouted with all my strength. "Pwede bang pakinggan niyo muna ako!"

Surprisingly, they went silent. Sinamantala ko naman 'yun para magpatuloy.

"Una sa lahat, tama kayo, wala na kami ni Kal. Pero kung anuman ang rason ay sa amin nalang 'yun, hindi rin naman kasi namin tungkulin na ipaliwanag pa sa inyo ang dahilan. It's a private matter, sana ay maintindihan niyo."

They looked surprised after I said that, at kahit na nagtataka kung bakit pa sila nasurpresa ay nagpatuloy pa rin ako.

"Pangalawa, itong mukhang 'to..." I held my face and faced the woman recording the situation. "Ito nga ang totoong ako sa likod ng maskara. Ang mukhang tinatawag niyong pangit, mukhang engkanto, aswang, at kung ano-ano pa. At tama rin kayo...ako ang nasa video. Ako ang babaeng pinagtatawanan dahil nadapa. Ako 'yung pangit na 'yun."

I sighed. "Pero alam niyo ba kung ano ang istorya sa likod ng video na 'yun?" I paused and looked at all of them. "Syempre hindi, kasi niyo naman ako kilala. Hindi niyo alam kung paano ko tiniis ang sama ng loob at sakit habang paulit-ulit kong naririnig araw-araw ang mga pang-la-lait at pang-bu-bully ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Hindi niyo alam kung gaano ako ka-galit sa sarili ko sa tuwing humaharap ako sa salamin. Hindi niyo alam kung gaano ko kinuwestiyon ang Diyos kung bakit ginawa niya akong iba sa inyo. At hindi niyo alam...kung gaano ko hiniling na sana ay hindi nalang ako ipinanganak."

A tear fell from my eyes. "You only know my name and my face...pero hindi ang buong pagkatao ko, yet you judged me cruelly like you already knew every inch of my being even though I didn't do anything wrong to you in the first place. You made fun of me because I am ugly and different. Pero matanong ko nga kayo, kasalanan ko ba...kasalanan ko ba na pinanganak ako na ganito? It's not my freaking fault!"

I wiped my tears and smiled sarcastically. "Actually, it's not even a fault because there's nothing wrong with me in the first place, it's your messy mindset that needs fixing. And uh...I will never apologize for being ugly because I am not! No one is ugly, so no one deserves to be called that way!"

It's the first time I've vented out my sentiments about the issue and it oddly felt freeing.

"And about my make-up...you have no right to dictate how I would use it. Mukha ko naman 'to e, katawan, at pera... at hangga't alam kong wala akong tinatapakang tao...ay hindi na ako makikinig sa mga walang kwentang reklamo niyo."

I looked around and let out a calm smile.

"Tigilan niyo na rin 'tong ginagawa niyo dahil hindi nakakatuwa ang pagiging mababaw at mapanghusga ninyo sa kapwa! You should all grow up, too." I said before pulling my friends with me.

"Tara na, magdinner na tayo."

Such a strange night and I learned a valuable lesson again.

You're the one who can decide your own worth and if you're confident about yourself...no one can belittle you or use your flaws against you. So slay them with confidence.

"Okay ka lang?" Jae asked worriedly, agad naman akong tumango ako ngumiti.

"Syempre naman. 'Di naman mahalaga ang opinyon nila eh."

"At last, a character development."

Gulat akong napatingin kay Yuri, agad naman siyang sumimangot no'ng mapansin ang tingin ko.

"I'll make those fools pay for scratching my arm." Aniya at nagsimula na namang magpindot sa phone niya.

It was a fun night with people that I've never expected to be with me. I didn't anticipate that I would be able to form a special bond with them overnight, but I did anyway.

We all got wasted and it was just so happy.

"Goodbye to you, my friend! We'll see each other again!" Jae sang at tawang-tawa naman ako.

"Kulit mo malasing!"

"Mas makulit ka! Kaya huwag kang maglalasing doon!"

"Aye aye, captain!" I smiled and pulled Yuri by my side.

"Stop pulling me, bitch! Pareho lang kayo Yrenia! What a nuisance!" Naiinis niyang sabi pero mas lalo ko lang siyang hinila.

Hindi ko na alam kung paano at anong oras na ako nakauwi, basta ang alam ko, hapon na ako nagising at sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko.

Because of my newly found friends, the days before Ieaving became lighter than I expected.

Not until the day of my departure came...

It was a tearful parting with my family and when I was already on my way to the airport, while I was scrolling through my gallery, a video suddenly played.

It was Kal.

"Hi, mahal. Hindi ko alam kung kailan mo 'to makikita o makikita mo ba! Kasi panigurado hindi mo 'to alam." He laughed as he looked at the camera at pagkatapos ay sa akin na natutulog sa tabi niya. "Gusto ko lang sabihin na mahal na mahal kita kahit iniipit mo ako kapag natutulog tayo." He laughed again and kissed me on my forehead, ako naman ay walang kamalay-malay dahil tulog.

I scrolled again and saw all our photos together. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang luha ko kung kaya't tuluyan na naman akong napaiyak.

I tried to hide my phone pero dahil sa isang notification na natanggap ay mas lalong hindi ko na nagawa 'yun.

It was an email and I thought it was something important...so I opened it.

But to my surprise...it was a letter...from him.

To my dearest Elliana Grazella,

You're the most amazing thing that happened in my life. You're like a rain that came to my droughting heart. You taught me how to be strong and brave, you taught me how to be patient and rightful, and you taught me how to love fiercely. When I had no one, you stayed by my side and embraced the ugly side of me. But I hurt you and took you for granted for reasons that a weak boy like me couldn't handle. I made you cry when I swore not to. I disappointed you when I vowed to make you happy. With that, I wouldn't ask you to forgive me because I know that what I did was just so horrible and wicked. You don't deserve it, Elliana. You don't deserve a jerk like me.

Now, you probably already left, but I just want to let you know I will try to fix myself, too, sa abot ng makakaya ko. And I will learn my lessons.

This is clearly not the ending I've imagined for the both of us but I couldn't blame anyone but myself, because I was the one who ruined us.

I hope you take care of yourself and reach your dreams. Mahal na mahal kita, Elliana Grazella. Always remember that you're beautiful...and you matter.

-Kal

"Ate! Itigil mo please!" I cried and begged Ate Eliza as she drove.

"Bakit? 'Di ka na tutuloy?"

Umiling ako. "A-Ate, gusto ko siyang makita. K-Kahit sandali lang...please."

"Ugh, kaya wala akong lovelife eh, sagabal." Reklamo niya habang nagmamaneho pabalik. "Just make sure you'll not miss the flight."

Sunod-sunod na tango ang ginawa ko bago ko tinawagan si Jae at sinabi sa kanya ang plano kong gawin.

"Sigurado ka, Elliana?"

"O-Oo...gusto ko siyang makita kahit saglit lang, Jae."

"Okay, then. Aabangan kita dito."

My heartbeat went wild when we reached the campus. Agad akong bumaba ng sasakyan dahil kailangan ko talagang magmadali. I immediately saw Jae waving at agad akong dumiretso sa kanya.

"Are you really sure?"

"Y-Yes. Pero 'di naman niya ako kailangang makita."

Jae led me to where he was and my heart immediately ached when I spotted him sitting on the bench while looking at his phone.

I wanted to cry but I was just holding myself back...dahil ayoko na makita at marinig niya ako.

"Tara na, Jae."

Hangga't kaya ko pang umalis ay tumalikod na ako at naglakad palayo.

Goodbye, Kal.