June 13 2014
*Zac*
"Zac you need to relax okay". Eric says, trying to get through to me. We are in a rented house in Maui, celebrating my bachelor party with a few close friends. "Zac you are getting married tomorrow, you need to be able to stand on your legs".

"It's my last night of freedom, the last chance for a little fun and debauchery". I say, reaching out to pinch one of the sparsely clad women on the ass, making her giggle and wink at me.

Eric is rubbing his face. "Zac, it is not too late to change your mind. This is a mistake and you know it, don't go through with it".

"I can't bail now Eric, that would be cruel". I say shaking my head. It had been a spur of the moment decision, proposing and planning this secret wedding. "Missy gets me, it is going to work out".

Sighing Eric looks at me, like he wish he could say something he can't, then he shakes his head. "This is gonna end badly Zac and you know it".

He might be right, the whole reason for this marriage is wrong and I am freaking out. I have started to realise that my dream of a real family, a happy family is slipping through my hands. Who would take a chance on me with my past ? Hell I still slip up once in a while. Then I met Missy again, we used to date and she is one of the few girlfriends who has been in on all the crazy stuff. She knows my past, hell she has done all the things with me. And I went for it, thinking she can accept the slip ups, because she knows that part of me.

And now I sit here at my bachelor party, kind of freaking out. What will everyone say to us marrying ? Probably that it is a cover up, a beard. It is a cover up, but not for me being gay, it's for me being a shrew up. Funny how I am picked for gay again and again. I mean I probably slept with more woman than most men and I most definitely have never been drunk enough to sleep with a man. But apparently I am really good at hiding my tracks.

"Hi handsome, looking for some fun ?" A blonde wearing a bikini top and a very skimpy skirt straddles my lap, her rather pronounced cleavage almost in my face.

I grab her hips, sending her a cheeky smile. "Oh all the fun you can bring darling, it is my bachelor party after all".

"Well then let's party". She pulls out a vial from her cleavage, pulling one breast free of the top, leaving a line of coke down her breast, ending at her nipple. "All for you big boy".

June 14 2014
"Wake up Zac, you need to be ready in an hour". Someone pulls open the curtains and I groan. My head hurt and it kind of tastes like I licked an ashtray. Eric kicks the bed. "I told you so, now get up".

I rub my face. "I am so going to regret this aren't I ? Not just last night, but this whole marriage thing. It is gonna backfire in my face right ?"

"Yeah probably". Eric says, pulling of my blanket. "Shower now, too late to back down. And by the way I threw out the trash an hour ago, I didn't think you wanted anyone to see her leave your room".

"Thanks Eric, you are a life saviour". I say, getting up and accepting the pills he hands me. Then I head for the shower. I need to be ready for my wedding, right now I mostly feel like dying.

But I pull it together, clean up pretty well and get through the wedding. This is it, I am a married man. All the bad things is behind me and I am going to step up and do the right thing.

December 3 2014
"I can't believe you did that Zac, you brought her to our home and fucked her in our bed. Knowing I would come back today.. Did you want to get caught ?" My wife is currently screaming at me, having come home to find another woman in our bed. I get her, I totally get her.

I get up pulling on some pants, watching the woman scramble around collecting her clothes and leaving with a. "Call me Zac".

I won't.

"No.. I.. fuck I'm sorry Missy.. I didn't plan this.. I just..".

She cuts me up midt sentence. "Oh don't even start Zac.. let me guess, you felt so down about that stupid part you didn't get, so you got shit faced drunk and then you just had to snort something up your nose and all reason goes out the window right ?"

"I said I'm sorry.. I really wanted that role.. and well you didn't even have time to talk to me". Yup I am whining a bit.

She laughs, but in a very humourless way. "I was working Zac, one of us have to you know. Have you ever stopped to think that if you stopped all this shit, the roles would come ?"

"So it is all my own fault right ? Everything is my fault". I feel like crying. It is my fault, I am not good enough, not handsome enough.

Missy is shaking her head. "Don't make this into another sob fest about how hard it is to be you. You cheated, you fucked up and I am betting everything that this wasn't the first time.. am I right, how many whores have you been with while we were together ? And don't you dare lie Zac".

"Three times okay.. well four if you count my bachelor party". I am looking at my hands. There are no reason to lie.

She just look at me, there are no tears. "I can't do this Zac. I can't watch you destroy yourself like this and I can't live with the lies and the cheating. We are done Zac".

"But I can change, I know I can. I don't want to do this, please don't leave me, I love you". Wait a minute, this isn't what happened. In reality I had just nodded and then helped her pack, surprised she didn't slap me into the next week.

Then I realise that it is no longer Missy, it is Ivy. But I haven't cheated on Ivy, I have kept the demons at bay. But she just smiles at me, fading away.

January 2018
I sit up in the hotel bed, bathed in sweat, my heart hammering. Fuck these dreams are driving me insane. I hurry out to take a shower. I miss Ivy so much.