*Zac*
We are having a party to celebrate the airing of the season finale of Chuck season 4. Just the cast and some friends, and well a group of women specially invited. They are not hookers in the sense of walking the streets, but well these are women willing to do most things for connections, admission to parties and drugs, so basically they are whores.

The party is at my house and it is kind of wild and rowdy. As always I am at a total loss when a season ends. I mean I don't have other things falling back on. I had hoped doing Tangled, performing at the Oscar would give some offers. But not really. So as always, I am the one fighting nail and tooth for another season. I am scared to be back out in the cold, I already feel that I am the one standing outside the window, trying to be part of the cool crowd, not quite measuring up.

The others from the cast seems to have fun, they are taking thing much more laid back though, they always do. And they seem to ignore things that tend to go on at these parties. At least they seem to like me, despite all my bad sides.

Honestly I am totally of my racket tonight. One of the women offered me some drugs, I don't even know what it was, but it makes me feel good, loved, worth something. So did the blowjob she gave me, telling me it would feel much better on the drugs.

"Zac, I am going to go home. It's getting a bit to wild for me". Yvonne comes over to where I am currently sitting in an armchair, just watching people, pondering my existence.

I hold out my arms and she lets me pull her down on my lap. "Don't leave, it will probably be months before we see each other again".

"Sweetie, you know these things are not really my scene and you can always call. We could go for a game or something". She says smiling at me, padding my cheek.
She looks so beautiful, and I do what I shouldn't, grabbing her hard, kissing her. My hand is running up under her skirt. I don't want her to leave.

"Stop that Zac, please don't". She pushes me away, and removes my hand. The pain of her rejection is tangible, like a tingling in my fingers or that part could be the drugs. No matter what I feel like crying.

She shakes her head, holding my hands to stop me from touching her. Making me realise that apparently my hands have a life of their own, trying to grope her.

Suddenly Adam shows up. "Are you okay Yvonne ? Or do you need a hand with the idiot".

"It's okay Adam, I can handle him". She sends him a reassuring smile and he moves away. Then she looks sternly at me. "I will let your hands go now Zac, but keep them to yourself or I will smack you".

"Don't you like me at all ? Is it all just an act ?" I am suddenly crying like a kid, no one loves me, no one. And now I probably ruined our friendship.

"Oh Zac, I love you, but you are a mess and you need help. Please listen this time". She pulls my head down on her shoulder and I cry into her dress. She is right I am a total mess.

I burrows myself against her. Yeah I am desperate, desperate to feel loved, to feel good enough, trying to find comfort. "But if you love me, why don't you want me then ?"

"First of all Zac, I have a boyfriend, you know that. And I just watched you get a blow job from some skanky brunette, you really think that is the way to get a woman ? Doing that right here in front of everyone ? Get help Zac, please". She gently kisses the top of my head.

I hang my head. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. "Why ? There is no reason to. I am to fucked up. No one wants me anyway, no one worth the time".

"Look at me Zac". She put a hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at her. "I like you, but you need help before anyone sane will take a chance on you. Maybe if you got help, got better..". And she leans in, kissing me, like really kissing me, softly, a kiss holding so many promises". Then she gets up. "See you Zac".

January 2018
The alarm on my phone wakes me up, my face and pillow wet with tears. I remember that party like it was yesterday. Remember thinking that maybe if I pulled myself together Yvonne actually wanted me, like she said.

But did I do anything ? Did I get the help I needed ? No, the fucked up me of back then, got up as soon as she left and found someone else, willing to keep my bed warm that night.

Yvonne has never mentioned it. But at first, as we started filming season 5 she seemed weird towards me, disappointed maybe. Soon we drifted back to being friends though.

I don't know if she meant it, if she would have left him for me if I had gotten help. Maybe she only said it, hoping it was the push I needed to do something about it. It doesn't really matter now. Yvonne is married and I no longer have any feelings beside friendship for her. But sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I had followed her advice back then.

I get out of bed and get ready, I need to get my training done before my date, sightseeing or whatever we call it with Ivy.