"Okay, enough sulking." Cassie struts in my room, little black dress on, and red lipstick contouring her thin lips. "You need to get out."

It has been more than 48 hours since the court hearing and Mr. Rowland's voice continues to echo in my head louder than a banshee's scream.

We're just pawns playing the game of a deranged teenage girl throwing a tantrum.

I've turned it a hundred different ways and every single one of them has an open window of truth to that statement.

Am I really just throwing a tantrum? Did I invent the story or did someone persuade me of a lie?

I don't know how I'm expecting a room of grown-ups to believe my story when even I don't fully believe in it. It all feel so surreal. I'd give anything for it all to be a nightmare. Perhaps I'm currently just a five-years-old girl in her pink bedroom having a really long bad dream.

"Rachel, get up," Cassie hits me with a pillow. "It's a beautiful night, let's go have fun."

"No, go find Tommy or something." I groan.

Kathy Perry's voice suddenly fills the room before I feel the bed dip.

"You know I can't do that," she bounces up and down on the bed until I decide to take the floor as my bed.

She proceeds to rip the sheet off of me. "Come on, you promised me at least one frat party. And I already blackmailed Brandon into driving us to one so you can't say no."

My eyes open up. "Brandon's here?"

"Yesss," she teases with an annoying smirk. "And you can spend the whole night with him."

I look at the door then at my bed. It's always a bad idea to chase boys who obviously don't want anything to do with you. On the other hand, this is my best friend we're talking about. At least, the shadow of my best friend.

"I'm not taking no for an answer, Rachel." Cassie snaps before turning towards my closet.

I sit up still contemplating my decision. This could be my one chance to set everything straight with Brandon. We never know, it might actually have been the mid-terms that have been keeping us apart.

"If you believe that, then you might as well slice your throat." Sarah says. "The boy doesn't want you in his life, Rachel. Get over yourself."

"You know what? I think I will go." I get off the floor.

"Fine," Sarah snaps. "Go get your heart broken."

"If there's actually a heart in there," Kenny finishes.

Never mind them, I tell myself. They never knew Brandon before he left. They didn't know the sweet boy who used to play with me and hug me when I was hurting. He used to like me...even love me if I dare say.

"What do you think of this?"

Cassie holds a mini skirt with a long sleeves crop top up to my face.

It's the exact outfit I would usually wear to a party. It's scary how well she knows me. Maybe better than I know myself. I have tried for so long to keep myself hidden from all the people around me but all my effort turns out to be as useless as murdering a corpse. I'm not opaque. I'm transparent.

Nonetheless, it doesn't seems like the right outfit for tonight. It's too Rachel.

I open the closet and rummage through my clothes with no thoughts in mind. I don't know how I want to come off as long as it's not Rachel – the girl who deserves all the hate.

Tonight, I want to pretend that I deserve someone's love. I want to look like I'm capable of loving someone else. Perhaps I'll trick myself into thinking it's the truth like I tricked myself into thinking I was fine all these years.

At the back of the closet, a teal button dress grabs my attention. It's pale and cute appearance may undoubtedly mask my vile nature and project the innocence I've so long lost. Even if it's only for one night.

"Are you sure?" Cassie asks once I've completed my outfit with the lightest make-up, platform heels, and crown braid.

"What's wrong with it?" I twirl around in front of the mirror in the bathroom and get on my tiptoes to see more of my outfit.

She bites her lips. "It's just...it doesn't...well, never mind."

I sigh. She knows I hate unfinished sentences. They make me overthink everything until I lose all my energy worrying about a meaningless detail.

"Spit it out already."

"It's not Rachel," she admits.

I roll my eyes at her. "That's the whole point."

She sighs then uncap her lipstick.

She's so lucky I'm already way over my head with emotional garbage so I don't have time to ask her about her "problem" with my outfit.

Brandon is sitting on the couch with Jenny when we get in front. I watch him throw his head back with a loud laugh as she whispers to him.

My blood instantly sours. I've never been able to make him laugh like that ever since he's been back. He smiles and cracks a small laugh here and there but never full on hold-nothing-back laughter he's giving her.

That bitch!

She really wants to replace me. I don't care what anyone says. She needs to go quickly. I can't keep watching her take everything and everyone that I hold dear.

"He seems pretty willing to give himself away to her," Kelly remarks.

He whispers something to her. Her eyebrows knit together causing his laughter to stop short. Then she explodes with her squeaky SpongeBob laugh.

"What y'all laughing about?" I interrupt their happy little rendez-vous.

"Brandon here was just telling me about his senior prank," she answers without missing a beat.

"You never told me about your senior prank." I don't bother hiding the hurt in my voice. He has been so secretive about most of his stories from the past ten years. He barely nudge the surface of his past when we're talking.

"They're just boring high school nerds stuff," he brushes it off. "I'm sure you have way more fun stories."

"I still want to know," I brood.

I'm not having a blast knowing that he has more of a connection with Jenny than me. I'm his best friend for crying out loud. For the last few weeks, this title seems to have disintegrated. Or has it just been transferred to someone else?

After all, I'm still in high school while he's living the grown up life in college. Maybe he's tired of hanging out with a little girl like me and choose to befriend older women.

"I think we should go." He grabs his keys off the coffee table.

"Don't stay out too late," Jenny shouts as slip out of the apartment.

Who the hell does she thinks she is telling me what to do?

My mood has not improved all the way to the San Francisco State University campus. It thickens the air around us. Cassie tries to diminish the tension with some of her clever jokes. Like usual, they all fall flat.

She should scratch off comedy from her list of potential career.

I hear her celebrate under her breath when we finally reach the party about one hour later. She deserts me the first chance she got.

"That used to be my job," I think, flustered.

It doesn't take me long to cower back to my habits of drinking till I drop. Booze and boys – they make me feel good and forget.

There's one major drawback though, tonight. I can still hear them. Usually the music drown them out but not tonight. Macklemore doesn't have anything on them.

"Would you look at that trash over there?" Kenny whispers. "I think I've found your twin, Rachel."

"Oh, please," Sarah joins in. "Have some respect for the girl. Putting anyone in the same rank as Rachel is an insult to them."

I gulp down my third cup of vodka, hoping the blackout would kick in soon.

"Haven't seen you around here before," some shirtless guy says from behind me. His dreadlocks leave a hot trail as he nuzzles me.

"Back off," I grit out.

He groans before walking away.

"I think you've had enough," Cassie grabs my refilled cup from me.

"How would you know?" I slur. "As far as you know, this might be my first drink." I fill another cup and drain it before she can grab it, too.

"No, it's not. I've been standing just a few feet away from you for the past hour."

"Lies," Sarah yells. "She's just trying to control you, Rachel."

"I can make my own decisions," I take my drink back.

I can barely walk straight but continue to head to whatever unknown place I see fit. Most likely wherever Brandon is standing.

Why does he have to keep avoiding me? Am I not good enough?

I find him with a group of guys on the other side of the gigantic house. A pack of fat and loud frat guys are having a beer chug contest. A couple sandwich me as they grind on me. I knock down a vase as I try to get myself out.

"Are you okay?" Brandon asks when he finally notices me.

"Wow," Kenny laughs. "I can't believe you're killing yourself over that guy."

"We don't even have to create stories to make him look bad," Sarah giggles. "He does it all on his own."

My drained body slouch on him.

"Come on," he says as he carried me back to the car.

He lays me down on the back sit with his lap as my pillow. I nestle closer to him, letting the calm atmosphere wash over me.

"Why can't we do this all the time?" I ask.

"I don't know," he answers.

His response is so fake. I can tell he's holding something back. A lot of things as a matter of fact.

Here I am trying to make everything right again while he's trying everything to break us.

I get off him so I can see his face. The lights from the house reflect in his eyes. "Do you believe in me?" I breathe out my question.

"Yes," he answers in a heartbeat.

"Then promise me something," I continue. "Promise me you won't stop believing in me. You're the only one I know who truly does."

"Rachel..." he starts.

"I just wants us to be friends again," I plead. "Is that too much to ask?"

"I do want us to be friends," he says. "I'm really trying to make it work."

"Why do you avoid me then?"

"It's complicated."

"Then make it uncomplicated," I cry. "Everything else in my life is one tsunami of complications after the other. Your friendship is the only thing keeping me rooted. I want it to be real and simple. Like old times. I want to be your Rae again."

Silence reigns in the car once more. He pulls me in for a tight hug. With his heartbeat singing in my ears, I fall in the most peaceful sleep I've had since this all started.