"Is it something I said?" I ask the girls.

Neither of them say a word. Britney or Maria is staring into some invisible object in the air while her friend continues to stare at the table. She has not moved position ever since I got here.

Finally, Britney/Maria glances at the seat Hailey just left. "She gets angry...a lot."

I await some sort of elaboration but nothing comes. I'm stuck between curiosity and minding my own business. The latter wins.

I see people start to walk toward the door. The two girls leave too but I lie back on my chair. Someone will come get me eventually; that's their job.

"Come one, honey," a nurse smiles at me as she passes by with another patient. Her attention doesn't linger on me so I ignore her.

A ray of sun sneaks through the window and catches my eye. I get up as to follow the others but my feet lead to the window, the portal that lets me contemplate everything I'm missing out in. I can blame this hospital or the doctors; it doesn't matter because we all know better. I've never been a part of the outside world.

I don't know why people love to look out the window in romantic movies. There's nothing romantic or beautiful about watching the world roll away before your eyes. The car, the water in the lake, the bird jumping from tree to tree, the wind breezing by carelessly, they all watch you and tease you. If you look closely, you can see their smirk shouting at you I have something you don't.

I want to smash every single one of them, watch their atoms dismantle on the ground. They should not be free while I'm confined to an eight-inch window. They all should suffer along with me. Yet, I'd rather finish my days in a dungeon than watch this beautiful scenery die before my eyes. This is my dilemma: I want to watch the world burn under my hands while I crave its nourishment and acceptance.

"I know you're not blind so you can see everyone's leaving," a grave voice says behind me.

Without turning, a grin appears on my face. "I was waiting for you."

I hear him sigh. His annoyance is adding fuel to my attitude. It's probably the only kind of fun I'll ever have in this place. It's just a small fan in the midst of hell's fire but it'll have to do.

"Let's go, Rachel," his hands slightly nudge my shoulder to direct me toward the exit.

That small movement almost has me on my knees. All I can see and feel now is the hole in my heart I've bandaged with sarcasm and denial. The one I thought was healed up after all these years left in the open.

From the looks of it, Brandon's return only widens it because he didn't stay long enough. I've waited for him for so long and only having him for a couple months did more damage than good.

Now, I know he's in the same city as me. I know where he is. I've seen his smile, heard his laugh, felt him warmth. I can't pretend he doesn't exist anymore. We just can never be.

"Rachel, are you alright?" Nurse Hugo asks, his voice is a bit concern mix with doubt.

I brush it off, "I'm fine."

He nudges me again toward the exit. "You have a full day, today. I hope you had a goodnight sleep."

"It'd be better if you were there," I say while trying to conceal the turmoil going inside my head.

"No thanks, I hate jail more than I hate my job," he admits.

He guides me to the playroom where I have to endure a good hour of exercise. It's not as bad as the hour that follows it. Doctor Harris and I star in our own staring contest.

He's not like Dr. Frey. He's a bit on the unusual side with a good dosage of annoyance. He doesn't push me as much when we're alone but his eyes are the most intimidating ones I've ever seen. He has not crack me yet, though. He says it's a good start. He's looking forward to our next session.

I don't think I'll ever like that one.

Lunch could not have come any sooner. I'm not hungry but I welcome the time off from people trying to make me focus on myself. I like myself just the way I am. Well, not really but I like to pretend I do and I would appreciate it if everyone goes along with that plan.

I find Hailey into a chatty mood at her table. There's Britney/Maria and two other patients sitting with her. It seems like she's telling the best joke that no one gets but they all laugh out of fear.

"Hi Hailey," I greet as I settle down with my plate of mixed vegetables and brown rice. They give me an apple for dessert.

She snorts, "still on that vegan diet?"

"It's not my idea." She doesn't seem angry at all like this morning never happened.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning," she apologizes.

My eyebrow shoots up without a second thought.

"Yeah, weird. I know," she explains. "Dr. Harris told me to apologize to at least one person I got angry with for no apparent reason."

I bite the apple. "Cool."

"I'm not saying there wasn't a reason because there was. You were being a spoiled brat and I had to put you in your place. I did you a favor."

"You call this an apology?"

"Bitch, at least I'm giving you something," she slams the plate. "You better take it."

I back my chair a bit away from her. She's scaring me. "Okay, I'll take."

She's really scaring me. I don't remember her being like this. Then again we didn't spend that much time together last time. All I wanted to do last time I was here was to get out. I rarely noticed any detail so she probably was always this angry.

My head goes down along with everyone at the table. The girl has issues. I would know because I have plenty of issues to go around.

I sneak a look at her. She's still scowling and continues to stab at her chicken. "Are you always this angry?"

It's probably not the best time to ask that question but whatever. She can't kill me with so many nurses watching.

"If she did, she'd be doing you a favor," Sarah mutters.

The both of them have been popping in and out at the worse times today. It's like they want something bad to happen to me.

What am I saying? They've always wanted something bad to happen to me.

"I try not to be," Hailey replies. "It's very hard since everything seems to always light me up. I see fire everywhere and I don't know how to put it out."

"Okay," I go back to ingesting my bland brown rice.

"Don't you want to know how I became that way?" She asks me.

Weird question to ask. "No, not really," I answer her honestly.

I soon realize honesty is not the path I want to take here. It's never path I want to take.

Everyone at the table is shaking their head at me as to ask me to change my answer.

Hailey is fuming besides me. "So you don't care about me? Classic Rachel," she snaps. "I had to listen to your entire story on and on. Now, you can't even give me five minutes. You're always in your universe, never caring about other people's feelings."

"Ummm," I look around wondering when someone is coming to calm her down. Nobody is paying attention to us. It's probably just a normal outbreak. "Do you want to tell me about your life, Hailey? You just never seemed like the sharing type."

"And you don't look like the depressed, self-cutting type, do you?" Her plastic fork breaks between her palms.

"I'm sorry, Hailey." I'm not a fan of apologizing but I value my face the way it is. Anything to shy away from physical confrontations.

"Coward," Kenny whispers.

"What happened to you?" I question as I try to finish my asparagus without throwing up.

"Well, if you must know," she starts as if I'm the one desperate to hear the story. "It all started when my good-for-nothing mother dropped me off at an orphanage door. I bet that was the only good thing that ever came out of her. She even had the audacity to leave me a note. Like I care about her." She stops to take a drink.

I desperately try to make eye contact with anyone capable of getting me out of here. Why does lunch always take longer when I want it to end? I don't want to know that girl's back story. I have better things to think about. I already know she's as messed up as me and perhaps a couple shades darker. I don't need to know more.

"Are you even listening to me?" She growls.

I half want to stop amusing her and leave but I have to live with that girl for the rest of my life. Her attitude can turn this hell into a worse one if that's even possible.

I offer a tight smile, "of course I'm listening. Go on."

So fascinatingly nerve-wracking.

"As I was saying," she continues, "she attached a note to my blanket that said in big bold letters 'Don't look for me, little bitch, love mom.' Can you believe the nerves on that woman? Like who cares? Just drop me off and go. I can do fine without you. I DID fine without her."

Oh Mommy issues, classic.

"Like two peas in a pod," Sarah laughs.

"...my first foster parents. They were average, normal people. Loud, obnoxious husband who liked to drink and hit everything that came close. That was me most of the time. Wife who cooks and cleans all day but still can never notice everything that's out of place in her home like the crying five-year-old she was supposed to take care of. I was so happy to get out of there. Then there was the Brahms. Annoying. They were the generic happy middle-class family with two point five kids with white picket fences. It was pure hell. They were always 'don't scream, Hailey' 'use your words, Hailey' 'you can't hit people, Hailey' 'don't blind Connor with a pocketknife, Hailey'." She starts to laugh uncontrollable.

One of the others laugh along with her. They've all heard this story countless times before judging by their defeated looks.

"You should have seen the look on their faces. It was pretty bad I know. I felt bad afterwards but the look on their faces made my time in juvie a little worth it."

"You went to juvie?" I don't know why I ask. It's kind of a given. Abandonment issues added to the foster system multiply by abuse don't equal rainbow child.

"Yeah, only for a couple of months though. I find this crazy awesome chic and we got out of there the first chance we got. It was good for a while. I mean if you don't mind taking your lunch in the trash and sleeping on the street. At least there was no one to tell me how to live my life."

"So how did you end up in here?" Oh hell, here I am asking questions again. It's a matter of words before I find myself interested in someone else's past.

"I was arrested for shoplifting then a couple of months after that they sent me here. They said I had 'anger issues'. I only beat up a couple of kids because they were taking my stuff. If they didn't want to get beat up, they should have kept their sneaky little fingers to their own property. It was entirely rational to get mad about that. Do you think I have anger issues, Rachel?"

"Uhhhh," I stuff my mouth with the rest of the rice. I mumble an answer with my mouth full.

"What was that?" She knocks my glass of tea on the table.

"I said it's time to go," I quickly get up and flee the scene.

"Run to mommy, little coward," Kenny spits. "Oh wait, you can't."

I find Nurse Hugo and try my hardest to avoid Hailey for the rest of the day. It's harder than it sounds when the person you're running from is locked between the same four walls as you. I don't think I can deal with her. She's worse than me and somehow it creates a sense of belonging in me. That's scarier than being afraid of her. I can't be able to relate to someone like her.

There's something that's clear as day to me now. Hailey is a good friend. I can relate to her and empty the darkest part of my mind to her. I know she'll understand. We both have been through hell and are still lingering in the lobby.

However, I can't help realizing that she'll never be what Cassie has been to me all these years – my anchor. Being with Hailey only helps me to become familiar with a part of me I'm already too familiar with.

Hailey is the friend I want, the friend that my subconscious is easier to accept. Cassie is the friend that I need, the one who will stop me from drowning in my own essence. Her joy and optimism have always showed me that there's a possibility that my life can be better. While Hailey joins me in the darkness, Cassie is the one with the torch illuminate a way out.

Too bad it took me this long to figure it out. Now, I have to run around in the darkness along with someone as equally or maybe more blind and clueless as me.

I'll get used to it, though. I have to, for my dad.