I wake in the morning way before breakfast time. I sit on the bed to watch the sunrise.

I don't know what it is about sunrises and sunsets but lately, they're all I've been craving. I just want to stare out the window and watch the sun go down along with the rest of the world. Then the animals of the night set out. The ones who love to make trouble but are restrained during the day and pretend to be normal. Like I used to be.

Suzanna moves around on the bed, bringing me back to my reality. My vision brings to focus the bars around the windows. The reminder that everything happening outside is out of my reach but they will stay the same without me. They will continue to move as if my absence has no effect.

It starts to bother me less, though. It's not as heartbreaking like it used to be to know that I have left no hole in anybody's life. They all continue to breathe, walk, and live like they've been doing. I can't exactly blame them since that's what I want to happen.

They'll forget about me and start anew out there while I make a new life in. It's for the best.

The familiar ring for breakfast echoes outside the door.

"Get up, cupcake," I grab the end of Suzanna's cover as I pass by.

She hates being called cupcake or any food related names. Just the mention of food makes her run away and cry.

Apparently, it won't be too bad this time around. I'll have someone to keep me laughing till the end.

I take a deep breath in. "Don't you just love the smell of bacon?"

She throws her arms around in a feeble attempt at shooing me away. Those little things look more like sticks wearing human skin than anything else.

I walk out of the room with a smile on my face. I roam the hall that is quickly filling up with patients. Nurse Hugo walks past me. I blow him a kiss which earns me an eye roll.

"He's gorgeous, isn't it?" Britney/Maria bumps into me. "Too bad he's married, though."

The other girl accompanying her, as usual, has her head down. I don't think I've ever seen her face for more than two seconds at a time.

"What does that got to do with anything?" I ask as I slow down my pace. I want her to leave me but instead she starts walking to my pace.

"You can't do anything with him," she says.

"Who said I wanted to do anything with him?" I raised my voice a little, alarming a couple of nurses. "The guy is old enough to be my father. They may have labeled me crazy but it doesn't mean I go running around doing crazy stupid stuff that'll get me in jail."

"Yes, I guess," she tries to play it off. "It's just because Hailey tried. You do seem a little bit like her." Her eyes shift away from me once she detects the anger boiling just beneath the surface. "I guess I should have known with everything that happened with your stepdad."

"Exactly who do you think you are, Britney?" I stop walking, causing her to almost fall flat on her face. Miss head down catches her. They're lucky I don't do the physical conflict thing or they'd be underground by now.

"It's Maria," she says.

"No one gives a danm. And keep butting in people's business and you'll get a pretty little rock to write whatever your name is on it." I resume my walking toward my food.

"I just wanted to say that you don't have to worry about Hailey," she says as we get inside the dining room.

"Do I look like I'm worried?" I take the plate of vegetables and tighten my revolting stomach. I don't think I can handle this diet for much longer.

Ughh, why couldn't he just lock me in my room instead? Scratch that. At least this way the voices can blend in with the natural sound of the day.

"It's just the way she is," Britney/Maria continues to follow me with her friend close by. "She likes to intimidate people. She tells the story to everyone every time she feels threatened by someone which is pretty often."

"Britney," I interrupt her.

"It's Maria."

A united exasperated sigh echoes from inside of my mind to my lips.

I look down at her hands. There's a delicious looking slice of bacon staring at me from her plate. My mouth waters at the sight of actual tasteful food.

"Hold this," I hand her my plate.

She grabs it without questioning. It takes her a couple of seconds to realize that she willingly let me take her food.

My stomach growls as soon as my taste buds touch the omelet.

I take a big gulp of the orange juice. "What exactly do you want?" I ask her.

She stares at the plate of vegetables but says nothing.

"Nothing much," she exchanges a look with Miss head down. The girl meets my eyes for the briefest second before putting them behind a cascade of black hair.

"Why do I feel like this is not a onetime conversation?"

"Well, since you and Hailey..." she starts but clamps up as soon as Hailey's voice reaches us.

"Are you girls plotting against me?" She says jokingly with a hint of seriousness.

"I think Britney was," I smirk at her. Her eyes widen as she shakes her head from left to right.

"I wasn't," she says. "I was just...we were only..."

"You were just shutting up," Hailey's eyes darken along with the tone of her voice.

I turn my head toward the sole window in the room to hide my smile.

"It feels like you never left home, doesn't it?" Sarah joins in.

Not far behind her, Kenny chuckles. "No, this is better than your home. At least people here doesn't hide their insanity behind good manners like your mother."

"I like it here," Sarah declares. "We're good here as long as nothing changes."

I don't know whether to feel relieved or worried. If they like it here, that means they'll never leave and I'll have to stay with them. That also means they'll stop with the death threats.

I leave the dining room with a confused mind. This is not the way it's supposed to be. I've made peace with living in this place but not living with them. I want them out of my head. I want to be able to sit in a room quietly with only one voice inside my head.

Is that too much to ask?

Apparently, it is. I don't know if today is national get Rachel to feel as guilty and confused as possible but that's the way it's developing.

Nurse Hugo brings me back to my room in the middle of exercise time for me to receive a visit. My dad.

Why can't he stay away? It will make the process so much easier for the both us. We'd slowly get estranged until the day we mean nothing more to each than two strangers sharing a city.

"Hi, dad," I smile once nurse Hugo closes the door behind him.

It takes one second being engulf by one of his warm bear hugs for the guilt to take over my entire being. I can feel the love he has for me. I can feel the hope he has that I will get better and be his little girl again.

"I miss you so much, baby girl." I see him wipe away a discreet tear scrolling down his cheeks. "I know this is the best for you but I don't know if I can do it. I can't sleep knowing you're in here."

"I'm fine, dad," I smile. A fake smile.

"How are they treating you here?" He has his cop eyes searching my body for any hint of discrepancy. The way he used to look at me every time I came back from the emergency room. There was always a hint of knowing in his eyes but he was in as much denial as I was.

"Good, they're all good to me." I move to sit on the edge of my bed, facing Suzanna's terribly made bed. "I've made friends."

He comes to sit next to me. "That's great. I'm glad that you're making the best of this horrible situation but speaking of friends." He pulls a small wrapped present from his chest pocket. "I think it would be best if you didn't get completely cut off from the ones outside of this place. Dr. Frey thinks we should give you a little more time to adjust but she doesn't know you like I do. You're still my daughter so I think I have a good idea what's the best option for you."

He hands it to me.

"What is it?" I hold the small box in my hands. I already know who it's from but I act like I don't.

"Open it and you'll see. He was really excited about it."

I stare at the heart shapes decorating the paper. "I don't want it, dad."

"It's from Brandon," he says, hoping that would incite me into opening it.

I keep my eyes strained on the pink heart under my fingers. "I know," I whisper.

"You don't have to open it now," he says. "I don't really know what's going on between you two and no matter how much I want to find out, Jenny will cut my head if I pry. I do know something, though. I know Brandon loves you and he's a good friend, Rachel. You need a good friend like him."

"No, I don't." I throw the box back on his lap.

I don't want his friendship. I don't want anything from him.

I don't even want to think about Brandon ever again. I want to run away from him faster than a girl with new perm run at the sight of the first hint of cloudiness. He may be good for me. He may even be the natural force that will give life to the decaying part of me but I spent too much of my time and resources trying to be this Rachel.

I'm not Rae. I can't be Rae again. It's too late for her but Rachel is here. She's as strong and stubborn as weed in a rose garden. She can never be completely killed. Just temporarily subdued.

This place is helping me stay away from the garden while keeping me alive. This is a laboratory taking specific specimen out of the population, acting like there's a way to harvest benefits from the pathogen when in fact they're only making sure we don't spread and kill the roses of the world.

"Why not?" My father comes to stand in front of me. "He's the only friend you've got out there, Rachel. I don't know what you did to that poor girl Cassie but she refuses to even hear about you so he is it."

I move again, trying to end this conversation. I don't want to hear about my mistakes. This is why I'm here. To forget about everything and everyone. To give them time to forget about me and move on. My dad already has Jenny and the new baby. All he has to do is to cut the rope that ties us together.

I wish he could see it the way I do. There's no way to redeem myself. There's no going back from here. I'm lost.

"We want to help you, Rachel."

"I'm already getting helped," I sniff away the tears. "That's why I'm here, isn't it?"

"They can't do it on their own. You have to be willing and it doesn't look like you want to get out of here. This new attitude scares me more than the old one," dad says. "At least then, you had some fight in you. You had a vision you were trying to put in action no matter how twisted it was."

"I have a vision," I whisper calmly, refusing to make eye contact.

"To die alone in this place," he cries. "That's not a vision, Rachel. That's suicide. I sent you in this place to get better. Don't you want to get better?

I stay silent, my eyes fixed on the tiles. He's not going to see it. He's not going to let it go unless I do it.

"You should leave."

I hear him shuffle behind me. The room is so quiet I can hear his harsh breathing. It's as fast as if his oxygen supply has suddenly been cut off.

I dig my toes down, refusing to turn around and hug him. This needs to be done. If he's not going to do it, I have to make the hard choice.

"Okay, but I'll be back."

The door closes behind him.

Now, I truly have no one.

*** 

Finally, I've finished this chapter. I think the universe was working against me. First, I get a bunch of homework, then my baby brother breaks my table, then my laptop stops working. They didn't want me to write but I did. I have my victory.