*

It is raining outside in this Sunday morning-- there are little drizzles of rain dropping against the glass window. Though it is busy and humid outside, the room is undeniably quiet, as silence fills the air around the person who is comfortably cocooned inside the thick warm blankets.

Who still wants a person like you, Baekhyun? You can never leave this place! You are one of us!

Baekhyun wakes up.

The first thing he sees is a blurry gray ceiling. It gets clearer and clearer as he slowly blinks, just like the terrifying voice in his dream screaming at him.

He deeply breathes, and shuts his eyes again. Scenes flash in his mind randomly-- wild music, drinks, hurtful conversations. Tears. Forehead kiss.

He wants to laugh sarcastically though, because he was all wrong. It wasn't just a dream at all.

So one night, when they got the chance, they drugged you. And little did you know...

Baekhyun's eyes start to well up tears again.

That they gang-fucked you.

And it hurts too much deep inside. It fucking hurts like hell.

Not because he was gang-raped. Not because he wasn't aware when he was sexually abused. Not because he was drugged and used for pleasure. Not because they took advantage of him. Not because he cared for himself too much.

The only reason is that, it's because.

It's because he betrayed Chanyeol.

It's because he lied to Chanyeol. It's because he's fucking weak he couldn't protect what is supposed for Chanyeol, and for Chanyeol only. His body, his mind, his heart, are all Chanyeol's possession. He doesn't own anything ever since he gave himself to this person whom he loves the most. Chanyeol owns him, yet he wasn't able to keep his promise that he will be his forever.

But...

I will never leave you.

Those warm words...

I promise you.

He wants to believe them.

Baekhyun, I will protect you.

The way Chanyeol said it makes him want to be trusted again. Despite of the mistakes he has commited, things he has hidden from Chanyeol, lies he has made up. Despite all of that, he is gratefully happy that Chanyeol still wants him to stay..

Is this selfishness? Is he being selfish that instead of wanting to be hated, he is otherwise thankful that Chanyeol still decided to stay by his side? Is he selfish that he is glad over Chanyeol being protective over him?

Baekhyun wipes his tears with the back of his hand. He hugs himself, shaking, as he silently cries for the umpteenth time.

No matter how much tears he sheds, he can't bring back what has happened. He's already dirty. He dreadfully hates himself because he doesn't deserve Chanyeol at this point.

He remembers last night. Chanyeol took him here at his place. Baekhyun tried to eliminate all traces of his disloyalty at the shower. He washed himself and scrubbed so hard his skin turned awfully red, but he only ended up hurting himself. He had rashes on his arms and abrasions on his lower body, and it would have been more severe if Chanyeol hadn't come in to stop him.

Knock knock.

Baekhyun pulls out from his trance and looks at the door.

"Are you awake?" Chanyeol's voice is faint as he asks outside the room.

Baekhyun doesn't answer.

"I'm coming in."

His eyes widen as his heartbeat races fast inside his chest. He lies on the bed again like how he was before, pretending to be deep asleep.

Chanyeol comes inisde the room with a tray of breakfast in hand. He doesn't usually prepare food for anyone, but right now could be an exception considering what has happened to Baekhyun.

He heaves a sigh, seeing Baekhyun still sleeping. He must be tired, he tells himself mentally, as he decides to just put the tray of food on the bedside table.

For a brief moment he was worried that when he came in, he would see Baekhyun hurting himself again. He is quite relieved that Baekhyun has calmed down, that those words he never thought he would say in his entire life, would actually help Baekhyun to feel better.

Chanyeol turns away to take his leave, but he suddenly stops.

Turning his head around, he peeks behind him and sees a hand clutching the hem of his hoodie.

He doesn't turn around to look at him.

"I'm sorry," Baekhyun says.

"Stop aplogizing. It's not your fault."

"But I... I lied to you, and you almost got into trouble because of me. I-I'm such an idiot, I'm so useless, I don't deserve you anymore--"

"Stop!" Chanyeol yells. "I don't want to hear any of that coming from your mouth."

Baekhyun withdraws his hand off Chanyeol's clothes.

"I'm-I'm sorry about last night--"

Chanyeol faces him.

"You know what, I'm fucking tired of you saying sorry. I already said it's all right. Don't you understand that?"

"Thank you," Baekhyun mutters instead, "for saving me and for saying you're going to protect me."

Chanyeol doesn't say anything.

"I'm so mad at myself because I couldn't do anything to ease your pain. But I'm very thankful that you didn't leave me behind," Baekhyun says, "Thank you... for kissing me on the forehead last night."

Silence.

"Chanyeol-sunbae, I'm sorry for saying sorry. Instead I want to thank you for all you've done for me. Thank you... for still staying by my side."

A little smile makes its way on Baekhyun's lips as he looks at Chanyeol.

"You're thanking me?"

Baekhyun nods.

Chanyeol stretches his arm and places his hand on top of Baekhyun's head. He pats Baekhyun's hair slowly as a gentle gesture. Baekhyun sets his eyes down on the floor, blushing internally.

"I will do anything," Chanyeol mutters, "to get revenge for what they have done to you."

Baekhyun looks at his face. His eyes are getting dark and they are utterly terrifying.

"Chanyeol-sunbae..."

"That's the only way the pain can be eased in my heart."

Worried, Baekhyun doesn't add up anything anymore. His heart feels uneasy but he doesn't want to trust his own heart. He instead stands up from the bed, wraps his arms around Chanyeol's body and hugs him comfortingly tight. He buries his face into his chest as he embraces him for dear life, as if he doesn't want to let go.

"I trust you," Baekhyun mumbles. "Because I love you."

Chanyeol doesn't answer him back, nor hug him in return.

*

"Stop crying already."

"I-I can't..."

The lights on the kitchen are still turned on in the middle of late midnight. They haven't had the chance to eat dinner because Baekhyun wasn't coming out of the bedroom while Chanyeol had never checked up on him. It was only then that they met on the kitchen of Chanyeol's house when they got thirsty and looked for water.

Chanyeol decides to cook dinner for the both of them anyway, so he is at the stove cooking stir fried vegetables he had left from this morning. He doesn't usually cook especially in this kind of ungodly hour, but Baekhyun could be an exception considering what has happened.

The aroma of the food dances through Baekhyun's nose, and it makes him stop crying for a while. He stands from the chair to where he was sitting and walks towards Chanyeol barefooted.

"Do you want pork or chicken?" Chanyeol casually asks, busying himself slicing carrots.

"You," Baekhyun whispers.

"No," Chanyeol scoffs, "You won't get any."

He suddenly stops cutting the onions when he feels a gentle warmth behind him. Baekhyun just stays in that kind of position, hugging Chanyeol from the back.

Chanyeol sighs.

"How can I cook when you're being like this..."

"I'm just... I'm afraid you will leave me anytime."

"I promised I won't leave you. What are you even worried about?"

"W-what if you change your mind?"

Chanyeol doesn't answer.

"What if you decided to abandon me because I couldn't make you happy anymore? I'm already dirty in your eyes. I'm scared you're going to throw me away once you've finally realized I don't belong to you anymore..."

Baekhyun hugs him tighter.

"I'm afraid of these things, Chanyeol-sunbae. I know that I no longer deserve you so I am guilty of myself because I'm still here," Baekhyun mutters. "It's scary... You're treating me kindly instead of punishing me. Are you going to leave me?"

"I won't leave you, I already said it a couple of times."

"How can I be so sure?"

Chanyeol turns off the stove, facing the other male.

"Why don't you just trust my words?" Chanyeol asks. "Don't you believe me? Do I need to prove I meant what I said?"

Baekhyun clenches his fist.

"I'm not used to this," he says, not looking at his lover's eyes, "I want you to get mad because I did something wrong! I don't want to be selfish because I want this side of you... But... but I know this isn't you! I want you to get angry with me and make me realize how pathetic I am!"

"You think I'm not angry!?" Chanyeol asks back, restraining himself to burst out in rage. "You think it's fucking easy for me to take it in!? You know how much I preserved you. I didn't even let the student council nor just anyone touch you! But what? What did you just do? You fucking lied to me, you fucking let yourself be fucked by those fucking strangers! You bullshitted me!"

"THEN HURT ME!!! PUNISH ME!" Baekhyun screams out loud. "IF IT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER THEN I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT PAIN RATHER THAN SEE YOU IN PAIN!!!"

Slap!

Chanyeol slaps Baekhyun's face hard. Baekhyun is caught off guard in surprise as he holds his cheek. It fucking stings, so he tears up without him noticing.

"You asked for it," Chanyeol mutters, "so bear with it."

Baekhyun avoids his eyes, looking down on the floor as he sobs.

"I'm sorry for raising my voice," Baekhyun mumbles, "But I... I just wanted to ask you one thing..."

"You won't stop, will you?" Chanyeol says, and he is seriously getting annoyed and angry. "You want another slap on the right side?"

Baekhyun furiously shakes his head.

"No..."

"Then what?"

"I-if you give me your answer, I will stop. I promise..."

"What the hell is it?"

Baekhyun looks right into his eyes.

"You said... You won't leave me... You said... You're going to protect me," Baekhyun says, "May I know... what the reason is?"

Chanyeol's gaze is fixed and unwavering as he looks at Baekhyun's anticipating state.

"You want to know the reason?"

"Yes."

It takes Chanyeol a matter of seconds before he finds himself answering. He parts his lips and says:

"It's because you're important to me."

Thinking Chanyeol is done, Baekhyun proves himself wrong.

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Baekhyun's heart has just exploded.

It's like centuries that has passed ever since he heard those three magical words from Chanyeol's mouth. Saying he is happy is an understatement, because what he feels right now is beyond euphoria. It's as if Chanyeol just took his injured heart out of his chest, fixed it, brought it back together, and offered it to him brand new.

Just like that, and he is all healed. He is all fixed. He couldn't care less what has happened, because what matters to him right now is the love that Chanyeol has for him.

He thought he couldn't get those words back when he said it just this morning, but he was wrong again.

I love you.

It's been so long it felt so unreal.

Saranghanda keeps on repeating inside his head, and Baekhyun wishes he had brought his phone with him so he could record Chanyeol saying it.

Baekhyun can no longer find exact wonderful words to describe how he feels, when Chanyeol reaches out to touch him on his face, to his left cheek to which Chanyeol has slapped. It still stings and burns, but the warmth of Chanyeol's large palm makes the pain ease for a while.

He holds Chanyeol's hand pressed on his face. "You're so strange, Chanyeol-sunbae," he begins in a soft voice, "You got angry with me and slapped my face, but after that you told me you love me."

"This is how I love," Chanyeol says, "in the most unconventional ways."

"I understand."

"I'm glad."

Baekhyun doesn't say anything anymore, though. He knows Chanyeol is telling the truth, he is all too well familiar with the colors flashing in his eyes.

Before, Baekhyun doesn't know it is possible for people to sometimes flash different colors of emotions through their eyes. Chanyeol's eyes are originally white when he's neutral. Red when he's angry, green when he's cold, black when he's under influence, gray when he doesn't care. But to Baekhyun, Chanyeol's eyes turning blue is his favorite.

His eyes are blue when he lies.

But this time, his eyes...

They're brown.

And Baekhyun decides this color suits Chanyeol the best.

*

"Baekhyun..."

No answer.

"You awake?"

Still no reply.

Chanyeol wakes up in the middle of the night, confirming Baekhyun is asleep. The bedsheets rustle when he gets up, so he moves more quietly as he gets off the bed careful not to wake Baekhyun up. The other male is still sleeping on the other side of the bed, given the time of the night.

Heading to the closet he wears a black jacket, together with a black city hunter cap. He breathes, adjusting the cap so that his eyes can be hidden well. Grabbing his car keys beside the night lamp, he pauses for a while and glances at Baekhyun's face. He picks up a ballpen and paper and writes a note.

Deeming the other male is still safely sleeping, Chanyeol slides out the very last drawer of the bedside table. Inside are random tools, but among them lies a 9mm Glock 17.

He picks up the gun and says:.

"I'll be back before you know I was gone."

Baekhyun wakes up in the morning without Chanyeol by his side. Instead he finds a paper on Chanyeol's pillow with his neat handwriting on it, saying:

Good morning, my love.

You looked so cute I couldn't wake you up.

Baekhyun rolls over on the bed, grinning wide, as he clutches the piece of paper against his chest. Chanyeol just called him with an endearment, so it only means he was happy or he was in a good mood when writing this.

Just reheat the food last night for breakfast. Wash up and wear my clothes.

Please do not call me, I'll be busy in school.

The grin on Baekhyun's face grows even wider as he blushes, reading the last sentence on the note.

I miss you already.

- Chanyeol

"I'm blushing..." Baekhyun mutters to himself as he wiggles on the bed, "Stop blushing!"

If Baekhyun could have only seen Chanyeol's eyes last night, he would see the bright color of the ocean reflected on his eyes.

*

To be continued.