14 

M A G O A » a heart-breaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions.

[inside of me

you won't fade;

inside of you

i will fade]

VIRAT

Every breath I took reminded me of her. It was just impossible to not miss Anushka Sharma like crazy. Especially when at some point you had planned your entire life together, and you actually saw it through your eyes.

No matter if she had turned my life upside down, my heart just couldn't stop loving her; not even for a fleeting moment. Especially after knowing the kind of person she had grown into, after the worst side of hers. Doesn't matter how much the worst side of hers had hurt me and my whole family.

Even if the selfishness of the human heart did exceed, and saw a future with her, somehow I knew, watching my mom and her together would wash guilt over me all over again. So it was better to live without her, hurting myself every day a little than being caught in a black hole.

But what's the point? Anushka still clawed through my skin, and still spat fire. And the plumes of the incandescent memories still left me breathless.

"It's too much of a starry night for suicide," I heard a voice coming from the back. I was standing too close to the railing, staring at the mystical ocean of North Carolina.

A smile automatically lit up my face knowing it was Natasha. I turned to see her standing beside me. Only a week ago, she was crying so hard that she had popped a blood vessel in her brain.

"You're the one dying," I told her. She looked away, but it still hurt. I just hoped it didn't ignite another fit of hysterical sobbing, so much that it eats another part of brain, half already eaten away by cancer.

I walked towards her, holding her in my arms, trying to keep from being grounded. "Do y'know that flying in this condition will only worsen it?" 

It was only a week before I had booked our flight tickets to India, because Natasha wanted to visit her parents for one last time. On the other hand, I wanted to go for the fitness tests to reclaim my spot in the team. But after that incident, I was just scared that maybe flying would worsen Natasha's already deteriorating condition.

"I don't want to die and end up being nothing, Virat. The only reason I came here was to prevent the course of dying but this is inevitable." She told me, but I still didn't buy it. "I know you think I was selfish in keeping everyone in dark about my condition, but deep down you also know how this works, don't you? When you care about someone more than you thought you ever could—beyond your emotional threshold—you just manifest their every burden upon yourself." 

I could only nod because I understood how exactly this felt like. Caring for someone so much that you agree to hurt yourself.

"I understand, Natasha. And we're together in this, okay?" I smiled at her, my arm slipping down so that I hold her in bridal style. "I'll get you to your room, and you get going so that we're all ready to fly." 

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Natasha asked, her eyes slightly moistened. It still hurt how she was only reduced to she and her, but I was still happy that she was alive in my world; not just a handful of stardust symbolizing the forgotten. 

"I'm thinking about her all the damn time." I chuckled lightly, it still came across as a sad one because I can't lie to her. Never. I could never hide things from Natasha Kapoor, and that is one of my most important characteristic I had learnt in twenty six years of my existence.

"Why not just call her, and tell her that you love her so much? Why hurt her and hurt yourself so much?" I just stopped thinking because in the twenty six years of my existence, I had actually learnt how to hide things from Natasha. I had managed to keep the series of events of utter complexity and crisis in our lives a secret. A secret I didn't wish to tell her at all.

"It's not that simple –" 

"– it's never that simple, Kohli. L9ve is nevef that simple." Natasha rolled her eyes. I placed her gently over the bed, turning my head around so that I could easily avert her gaze.

"I don't want her around. She deserves better." I lied, adverting my gaze towards the window where skinny beams of of light from the thin-mooned sky illuminated the covers of the cushion. 

"You deserve the entire universe, Virat. You just don't know it."

"And you deserve to live. But you ain't getting that, right? Sometimes, we just don't get what we want, and we just have to learn to live without it!" I seethed under my breath, turning around to face her.

Her eyes grew wide, and I realized what I had done. "It's really hard to bring up a conversation where you don't have to mention that I'm dying, right?" Natasha swiped her thumbs across her eyelids, so that she doesn't spoil her mascara because of the tears pooling inside her eyes. "You know the reason why I didn't tell you that I was suffering from a terminal cancer, and just told my doc to tell you that I was going to be okay if you ever come to know that I was suffering from cancer." She asked me, and I just stared down at the floor, ashen-faced. "Because I wanted you to keep me alive in your memories as you move on with your life." 

"And because I loved you. I still love you so much, Virat Kohli that it hurts. And knowing that you have feelings for this extremely lucky girl who makes you incredibly happy, and also realizing that you love her so much that it consumes you wholly, how am I supposed to buy that you're going to move on in your life without her?"

"How can you love me?"

"You under-estimate yourself a hell lot, you know that don't you?" she chuckled. "Consider it my last wish; seeing you and Anushka growing together. Before I fade away into some unknown oblivion, y'know?" 

"I don't know about Anushka, but I promise I will try my level best to move on." I said, and I meant every word of it.

°°°

As soon as we walk out of the airbus, a characteristically heavy, Mumbai downpour greeted us. Nevertheless, the earthy petrichor emanating from the Earth still felt home.

After claiming our luggage, we walked out the airport. There were a couple of reporters standing outside the airport, clicking pictures which still felt so contrasting to the earlier swarms of lights which always gathered me wherever I walked.

Times had changed a lot after accident. And after having recover from an impossible situation, I was desperately hoping to turn around my condition. Somewhere, I knew cricket was the only medium through which I could keep my mind off of her. She mattered too much, and I wanted to change it.

Time was still ticking, ticking on in me this time, I realized as we drove across the roads to my house. Natasha was slightly excited for her stay in Mumbai before she would go to Pune where her parents actually stayed. As much as I wanted her stay to be as prolonged as  possible, I knew that it was just not in my hands, and she would never agree to it. So instead, together, we had settled for two days.

After we reached home, fumblingly, I opened the door to my house, welcoming her in. "Don't mind the dust, this place had been shut since months after Vinay left—you remember the guy I was talking about?" 

"Yeah, you had sponsored his college education, right?" 

"Yep! That one," I nodded. "He left for the dorms, shortly after I left for US." I smiled, remembering the good old memories. I pressed the main switch ON, a bright, flickering light paling the canary walls of the room. As I walked inside with Natasha by my side, I could see images of her floating everywhere, constantly reminding me of the times when we were together, and my world was not spinning wildly. 

"I love this place," Natasha walked across the hall, only to open the curtains to the balcony. I felt almost breathless when I peeped outside of it, the memories constantly rushing in.

It felt like we were just a day old, when we were watching the stars swept across the sky. A strong thunder was heard, and I immediately closed the windows. "Looks like a violent storm." I heard Natasha speak.

I simply nodded, realizing coming back was only to get myself trap in this inevitable hurricane, to get completely weather-stained in the flood of the never-forgotten memories. "I'm truly excited about being back at home! Thank you so much, Virat." Natasha squealed excitedly.

I just stared at her, tied together with a smile, trying to keep my broken heart aside for her sake.

°°°

a/n : an early update bc ilysm guys. anyway, next chapter is slightly mature but idk if i'll be writing smut hahaha.