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S U S U R R U S » a low sound, as of whispering or muttering or a quiet wind; a whisper or rustling

VIRAT

"You're an idiot." 

Anushka was in no position to talk, for she had embraced the ground with a fall while trying to carry the suitcase across the porch. I always knew she tended to gravitate on the ground a tad bit more than normal but right now wasn't the correct time to find her body scrawled across the middle of the grass.

Sometimes, I really wished that I could be able to walk when I found ourselves in situations like these. If she falls, then I should be able to magically appear in the spot like a hero, and then hold her in my arms. I could barely be able to stand, after straining myself through the routine exercise, and this device fixed on my leg sucked big time.

I heard her grunt, clearly straining herself when she tried to up, and ignoring the gravity of what had just happened to her. "Virat, I'm going to be alright. Nothing's broken, that I know of, which is all that counts. So stop taunting."

I rolled my eyes, stretching out my arm for her, so that she could pull herself over from the grass. But instead, I found her scoffing, and palming her hand against the ground to get up. I rolled my eyes again. Stop being so fucking stubborn.

I saw her walking towards the door, wearing that grass-stained white top she had worn from Mumbai. For someone who was going to meet her future mother-in-law, Anushka was just too brave – standing with her hands perched on her hips. 

I wheeled myself to the door, and Anu pressed the door bell, looking at me with a dim, weak smile. I could see the shadows that passed over her eyes, almost as if she was afraid for us, our relationship, everything.

The clicking of door played a distraction as I shifted my gaze towards the person who opened it - my mom, of course. It felt as though she had pinned herself against the door in the anticipation and waiting for us. 

I smiled weakly while all she did was wrap her hands around me, coiling me in for a squishy hug. "I missed you so much, Vir." she whispered, not letting me go.

"I missed you too, Mom. So much." I replied, a smile involuntarily forming on my lips. "But you're going to hug me to death."

She pulled away with a knot in between her furrowed eyebrows. "Dare you talk about accidents and death anymore," she warned, before her eyes shifted towards Anushka. I pressed my lips together for a close-lipped smile when I saw Shaili fiddling with her fingers – something so oddly amusing for a person who going all pouncing over me like a lioness. "You must be Anushka. Virat couldn't stop talking about you while on Skype."

I opened my mouth agape resembling like a goldfish before closing it immediately. She had to pick up on that one damned thing out of all things she could. "What happened to you?"

I flashed her a sarcastic smile as I nudged her arm, "the first name I gave her was Miss. Two-Left Feet. She loves falling around, and giving our Mother Earth the delight the much required embracing."

Anushka looked at me wryly, "You can cut down the exercise which you've been giving to your facial muscles and your mouth." An unexpected retort came from her, leaving mom amused.

Mom smiled, much to my delight. "I love her officially."  

We went inside, and while Anushka got inside to get herself changed, mom and I have our moment. It felt so good to be around her, finally – with no guilt, no pain, no despair. We talked about all the moments we've been missing on without being around each other. It reminded me of the time when I would return from my tours after serving my duties on the field.

It was just miraculous how Anushka had fixed me in such a short while, and no matter how much ever I denied, I definitely did owe her a lot. She had rescued me from myself, when all the while before I had always been under the impression that maybe, I wasn't worth saving.

After having our lunch, Anushka got me into the room, and anchors me while I tried to walk. They were baby-steps and surely, I would fall without her. Her hips accidentally rubbed against mine, her face so close. I couldn't help but caress her cheeks. She leaned in closer, and gave me a chaste kiss. I slipped my hand underneath her top, a wide grin across my lips as my hands smoothly laced across her skin.

"Virat, you need to stop distracting me from my work." she told me, pressing her lips in a fine line.

I burst into fits of laughter as I replied, "Aye aye, captain." 

°°°  one week later...

I sat on the dilapidated armchair that belonged to my father, going through the old albums in the attic. The memories which I thought were once forgotten came back – crashing, smacking and splashing like waves. The memory of losing my dad had always been like a distant rumble when I slid my hands across the flush mount pages of the photo album.

It had been a week since we left Mumbai. Anushka had been living in her old house where I was yet to go. Although while coming here, I was a little hesitant about how my friends would react – knowing the only friend I had trusted had turned her back on me. But surprisingly, others were warmer to me than I had expected.

I saw a picture of dad and I, inside the same dusty attic where I was right now, and I felt the parallel in our lives. The picture was taken when I had a prolonged fracture on my left foot, and I let out a chuckle, as a lone tear rolled down my cheek. He was there to help me, save me.

"Virat?!" I heard Anushka's voice, sound of faint footsteps echoing in the attic. "What the – how did you climb up here?" I could practically imagine her gasping.

I turned around to face her, and beamed with excitement. "I held the railing of the stairs and climbed up," Horror flashed through her face so abruptly that I had to add. "I'm fine."  I got up on my feet, and settled on the armchair once again.

"I know you can walk now with support but that doesn't mean you get around walking through a flight of stairs and do dangerous things." Shaili rolled her eyes at me, absolutely exasperated.

"Okay but c'mere," I smiled coyly, shaking my head. "This album is full of an adolescent's memories." 

I showed her the pictures - high school events and graduation; thankfully no college pictures to show because I never got into one. When I flipped through the next sheet, I realized it was a picture of my ex-girlfriend and I. "That's my ex-girlfriend and ex-bestfriend, Natasha."

Shaili looked at the picture with keen interest, and her eyebrows furrowed into knot in the middle. "I feel like I've seen here somewhere."

"Well, I highly doubt so. She's a software engineer and the last I heard was her flying to US. She got a big package, I think. Told me our relationship wouldn't work out with me on the wheelchair."

"Oh my god –" Anushka's eyes widened as she took a closer look. "– I remember. I saw her at Life Beat barely a month back." she told me. "Virat, she broke up with you because she couldn't see you in the wheelchair?" I just gave her a simple nod. "Virat..," She looked away, but I could feel her body getting stiffened. 

"Anushka, what happened?"

"I think she lied to you," The words came out, barely a whisper as if they were lodged inside her throat – scared to come out.

My breath got caught in my throat, and it felt like we were almost hitting the rock bottom. "Virat, I need you listen to me carefully," she crouched on the dusty floor, wincing slightly and for a moment, it felt like she's going through pain innarely. Then I realize a wooden splinter had pierced into her skin through the knees. Heavy breath. "She was visiting Dr. Rizwik – he's the head of our oncology department. I think she might be suffering from cancer."

"What?" I chuckled dryly. "This doesn't make sense, okay? She cannot be suffering from cancer."

"Think about it, Virat! She was your best friend and your girlfriend. She stuck by you for six months when you were losing hope on yourself. Why would she be leaving you all of a sudden – from middle of nowhere unless she wants to protect you from something," Anushka sighed, holding her hands in mine. "Because that's what people who are in love do. They protect you even if they're hurting themselves in the process."

"What does that make me?" I asked, so close to a mental breakdown. It took me ounces of strength to stop the pain. "Anushka, can you please call Dr. Rizwik and ask him if she's okay? Please?"

Tears streamed down my face, and I was sure my face was completely ashen in the fear of losing her. Anushka, on the other hand gave me a meek nod, making a call immediately. She perambulated to the other side of the attic, giving me a soft stare the whole time she was talking to Dr. Rizwik.

Everything made sense to me now, even though something inside me intensely ached. Natasha's departure had nothing to do with her being a selfish or even a gold digger. She loved me – even though it was a constant falling, a complete giving in. My clammy hands ran across our picture where we were smiling and looking at each other, the River Thames in the background.

How horribly selfish had I been this whole time? She was in some part of the world, struggling with real demons and here, it didn't even take me a month to move on with someone else.

"She had a low-grade astrocytoma," Anushka's voice snapped me from my reverie. "Virat, she's going to be fine."

I heaved a sigh of relief and breathed out, "I want to meet her. I want to see her, Anu."

"She's in NYC for her treatment," Anushka replied with a smile, a tear rolling down my cheek. She had to stop doing that. Smiling through pain, that is.

"Why are you–" I refrained from asking her, when I realized the reason. Does this change things between us? 

"Everything has changed, isn't it?" Anushka asked, straightening herself up as she stood. "I'll see you," she pressed a kiss against my cheek.

I saw her dragging her feet across the attic towards the door. She held the door, her eyes gliding in my direction like they always did before she walked away. But this time she wasn't smiling. Her eyes were not as illuminating whenever they did come home.

Everything has changed, I answered her question rhetorically. "I love you. Goodbye." I heard Anushka whispering with a small sob in the end, from across the room.

I realized the hidden meaning behind her words – I love you, and I'm scared to say a goodbye.

I remained silent.