08

B A S O R E X I A » an overwhelming desire to kiss

VIRAT

A month had passed, and there was significant improvement in my condition. I could slightly move my lower body. After that, the flexibility exercises were frequented to thrice a day by Anushka after consultation with her department.

A week ago, when I had gone for a regular check in Life Beat, the panel of doctors had advised me to undergo shock treatment. To say I was scared would be a massive understatement, because it felt like I was going to die.

Back home, whenever there was any electrical problems or black outs, it was always my elder brother, Vikas – who would do all those chores. I had always been scared of current and thunderstorms.

Anushka had told me it would do no harm because I was barely able to feel anything in my lower feet, so I was going to be numb to those shocks. But I wasn't sure about it at all.

"What if my feet starts feeling again, Anushka?" I enquired, ruffling my hands through my hair, as we trudged across the hospital corridor.

"That's exactly what we seek Virat," she retorted, rolling her eyes as she moved my wheelchair forward to the room where I was going to be treated. "Look, you can move your lower body now which is a great recovery. So if you can finally move your lower feet as well, you might start walking with some anchoring."

The story of lower body recovery was an interesting one though. Once when I was near the pool, waiting for Anushka, my wheelchair accidentally skidded on the wet base, resulting in me tossing into the pool. Thankfully, she was able to come right on time to help me anchor along the bar of the boundary of the pool so that I didn't drown. We had to spend around three hours inside the pool because she could barely walk me outside the pool. Additionally, I had asked her not to – because it felt good that way; Anushka, I and the water. After getting free from his university, Vinay rushed back home, and helped me get out of the pool.

Ever since that incident, we started doing pool exercises for my thighs; the returns being greater because of greater specific gravity even though it was exhausting.

The remarkable improvements in my status had brought in a change of heart in me, I had decided to finally show up in Delhi for my mom after realizing how unfair I had been to her all this time. Again, it was Anushka who made me realize this.

And that made me realize I was falling in love with Anushka. Slowly but surely.

"Thanks for being there, always," I smiled at her. She smiled back at me, and I wondered if the whole world has seen her through my eyes. Because if they did, how couldn't they help but fall in love with her? I saw Dr. Shekhar coming in our direction, and with one final saunter towards Anushka, he wrapped his arms around hers.

I felt helpless when I felt a tinge of jealousy. Not because of his action, but because of the way these two were comfortable around each other. "Anushka, you want to assist Dr. Sinha during the pulse checking?"

"I don't think so... but I really want to be inside the room with him while they are treating." she told him with a cute pout, making Dr. Shekhar chuckle.

"Okay, I'll ask Pratik to assist him, and you be there to give him the moral support. Virat looks shit scared." Shekhar peeked a glance at me before his gaze fell back on Anushka.

She flickered her eyes in my direction, "Tell me about it," she took a step forward so that the wheelchair now separated them. "I'll be there to hold your hands through it, okay?" 

I gave her a child-like nod.

Honestly speaking, all the jealousy and insecurity vanished into thin air right in that moment with that statement. I clasped my hand in hers as we moved towards the room. The necessary amends were made while Dr. Sinha with the help of a ward boy made me relax on the hospital bed. Right after that, a man who seemed to be of late thirties entered the room, Dr. Pratik was my best guess.

"So, we'll begin with fitting the unit in your feet. We have already spoken to Dr. Anushka about this treatment but we'll talk to you again. This will be kept there for two weeks or more, and you'll have to do a new set of intensified exercises which Dr. Anushka will be conducting along with that. The success rate of this treatment is very high, provided one can endure the pain that comes along with it."

A smile automatically lit my face when he said that. The fact that I could finally walk was far too overwhelming. But still, I could see the haze clouding my future considering I could barely run, let alone play cricket. So the smile dropped as soon as it was formed.

I felt a squeeze in my hand instilled with warmth and reassurance. "I'll be there, watching you rise, Virat, I promise." she whispered near my ear. I looked into her eyes, giving her a small nod. I trusted her with this, knowing these weren't just hollow promises which others often gave.

Dr. Sinha started with a sample test before the actual device could be fit. He wanted to make sure I could endure the shocks well. The cylindrical probe was graced along my feet to check the level of my sensations in the spot. I couldn't feel anything until it came to my lower thigh. "It's just a little sharp and tingly but it's okay." I told Dr. Sinha.

"It's not tingly, your sensation in that area is not hundred percent," Dr. Sinha replied, before plugging out the instrument. "But this will be fine, Virat. I'll install the device there, and and Dr. Anushka will make you do the set of exercise for this treatment." 

Anushka gave him a silent nod, leaving along with Dr. Pratik to discuss the necessities about the case. "I'm impressed, really, Dr. Anushka." he told her, giving her a smile. That was when I realized he was the same doctor who argued with her for my case.

I wondered how different had it been today if she wouldn't have fought for this case. A smile laced my lips instantly as I thought, while Dr. Sinha installed the pulse device on my feet. After that I was laid on my wheelchair with the help of the ward boy once again.

"The mode has been kept on auto so you'll be getting the pulses in regular intervals. You can press the grey button when you want to shut it off while sleeping, and this dial over here," he showed the white dial on the small remote control of the device, "it helps you to change the amplitude, I've kept it on 100 milis right now. Do not exceed 150." 

"Alright," I gave him a nod of approval, before exiting the room. Anushka waited outside for me. I looked at my watch to check the time. It was almost 6 PM. "I did it without any fuss. So today, I am entitled to take you somewhere."

She furrowed her brows together. "Where?"

I smiled, "I actually want to show you something."

°°°

I was being laughed at when we reached the beach. I couldn't hide the fact that we were going to be here to watch the sunset because Anushka was the only ride I had.

"Will you stop laughing?" I asked exasperatedly. We sat on the shore, where we could feel the rhythmic percussion of the waves dashing against the sand. Over half an hour had passed as we sat there still, I glanced over my shoulder to see Shaili simply staring at the water. 

A sigh escaped my lips at the sight, following by a small inhale of the briny aroma. I tried to move my feet, feeling as if little bombs underneath my skin erupted as if all of my cells were in a minefield. By the time it subsided, another five minutes had passed – inching closer to the time of the sunset. The hurt in my rib was worse than yesterday now when I was sitting upright without any support. It felt like the pillar of a Colosseum came crashing down along with the entire structure.

I sighed another long, exhausting sigh until every air molecule in my body squeezed out. Anushka looked at me, concerned. "Are you okay? Should I make you sit on chair if this is uncomfortable?"

"No, it's okay. If a little suffering means I'll be able to walk again, I'm all up for it, Anushka." I told her.

Her eyes widened with slight apprehension, "But you're overworking yourself, Vir –"

"– stop worrying, okay? I'm fine, and I don't want you to miss the sunset, so eyes back on the sky." I told her sternly. Anushka threw me a hard glance before her eyes backtracked to the sky. Following her advice, I palmed my hand against the sand for support, and glanced at the sky too.

The sky was now a mixture of oranges and tangerines and pink. The sun was half way into the water, but the reflection of it on the water still made it look complete. It reminded me a lot of Anushka and I; how I was broken and incomplete but still she made me feel complete and myself all the time.

Truth to be said, she wasn't my first love. I have had a couple of relationships before, and the people in it were always going to be a part of me. So it often left me wondering if it was appropriate of me to start something, knowing that it could and probably would end. But right then, it felt like the most natural thing to confess about my feelings to Anushka. Because I knew it was different from others; Anushka was different from others. She was there with me when I was at my most vulnerable state with no future. So nothing mattered really, but her. Because without her, nothing ever made sense.

Gazing at her, I instinctively sauntered towards her. Fear washed over me, but I breathed out nonetheless, "Anushka, I've been waiting and wanting to say you this. I know it has been a month with you, but I think – I think that I'm falling in love with you."

A part of felt exhilerated, but anothed part of me was scared too. I didn't want to lose what I had with her.

"Virat," Anushka began, shaking her head. I was fading out suddenly. "I don't love you." I knew her well enough to judge when she was speaking the truth. And in this case, I knew she was lying through her teeth.

"You are lying," I told her, shaking my head from ear to ear. "I know you, Anushka."

"You don't know me," she answered. "Okay maybe this is a lie, but the truth is we can't be together."

"Why?" I asked, my eyez moistening. "If you love me, and I love you then it's such a simple story, Anushka."

Her fingertip gently wiped away a tear that streaked across my cheek. "Virat, I've been in Life Beat for more than three years now. Before my internship, I really had a bad phase, and Life Beat helped me through it. And there's this part in my contract where I cannot be romantically linked with any of patients. The last time it happened with someone else, the hospital got into a huge trouble, hence the contract. Life Beat is my life – working here means everything to me, I just can't let it go."

"So that's it? We can solve this together, Nush."

"No, Virat. If I let myself love you, then I would let go off Life Beat. Because I'll always chose you when I should be choosing my career." She answered, inching closer to my face. Her lips were on mine, for a soft, comforting kiss in the way world could never be. I could feel a current through my toes, as I smiled into the kiss.

The kiss was electrifying, literally.

But it got over soon as Anushka pulled away, my lips feeling numb because of the loss of contact.

I looked at her for a fleeting moment  my gaze intensifying with every passing second.

"You know that your reason for not loving me is making me love you even more?" And this time, I captured her lips in mine.