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E C C E D E N T E S I A S T » a person who hides his/her pain behind a smile

ANUSHKA

My back still ached and my head pounded. Everything was too loud; even the sound of my own breathing in the stillness of the night.

I closed my memories trying to think of the good memories, as I tried to catch my breath. It reminded me of the time when I had my first emergency case; it was a guy in the flight who was dying because of pneumothorax. I had to do my first incision then after the med-school because physiotherapy never had such demands.

It was almost funny when I tried backtracking my mind for more such memories but the truth has been there were none. My life was literally taken over by my work demands, and I had stopped socializing with people since a long time.

The pain in my back sharpened, making me jolt my eyes open. I dug into my drawer for my roll-on. After I found it, I knew there was no way I could apply it on the middly of my back on my own. So I strutted outside my room with baby steps in the fear that I might wake up anyone. I slow-walked into Sahil's room which was filled with faded pictures in vintage frames, some mementos and toys which he never threw away for some reason.

I saw him peeping out of the window, a smile on his face. This side of the house faced the swimming pool, and for that reason I always wanted to take over this room. But being the younger sibling sucked big time, and it was only a myth that sisters ruled over brothers. When Sahil and I were younger, he would often dive from the balcony itself because the elevation of the balcony was near the swimming pool.

He always loved doing dangerous, reckless things.

"What happened?" Sahil drew a sharp breath, still not looking in my direction.

"I just fell badly tonight, and I've got a severe back-pain. If you could put the roll-on, please?" The please was dipped in extra-saccharine so that he couldn't refuse me even if he wanted. Sahil turned around to witness my puppy face. A severe back-pain meant a hell of a morning when I went to Virat's, and that was last thing I wanted.

"C'mere," Sahil dragged his feet across to flop on the bed; I joined him too. I gave him the roll on, and turned to the other side. Slightly peeling my shirt from below, I sighed. Sahil slowly applied the roll-on after I guided him where it was stinging. "How's your case going?" I heard him ask when my mind lapsed back into paying attention to him.

The question sparked a warm, fuzzy feeling inside my stomach. "It's not a case, Sahil. It's just not a case." I sighed.

"So you're telling me that you're falling in love with that guy already?" There was a tinge of incredulity in his voice, and I shook my head from ear to ear in denial.

"Are you crazy?" I grumbled, sighing in disappointment. "You should be the last person asking me if I'm falling in love with someone because you do remember what happened the last time I fell, don't you?"

"Anu, I'm sorry-"

I turned around to face him now. I could see a small trace of guilt in his eyes which made me melt instantly. I put my arms around his shoulder, slightly coked my head, looking into his eyes. "- you shouldn't be, Sahil. All I'm saying is I'm trying to move on from the past. I don't want to remember any of it, and you have to help me."

I pulled me into an embrace which I returned. "I'll never let you fall into that path again, I promise."

But the truth was I was falling back into that same, old treacherous path once again, only this time - hard and fast.

°°°

When I woke up the following morning in the cotton sheets, I could feel the warm bursts of the sun flooding in through the window. I had kept the windows open last night, I realized. Anything louder than the motion of air rushing was too loud to bear. My back still slightly ached, but it was much better after putting on the roll-on.

I walked towards the window to pull the curtains back, when I feel the blinded by the corpulent morning sun. Quite honestly, I was just too exhausted to even breathe. Maybe I had to rush to Virat's house because watching him always rejuvenated me.

I slipped into the bathroom, doing the regulars. When I was almost done, and just looking around for my watch, I heard my phone beep which meant I had a new message. I hopped onto the bed, swiping my finger across the screen to unlock the phone. The message turned out to be from Dr. Shekhar.

Dr. Shekhar : hey, come to the hospital today. it's kinda urgent. see you x

I sighed knowing if Dr. Shekhar meant the urgency of the situation, I must be very wanted there. All the nervousness and anxiety of this world seemed to have spider-webbed itself into the pit of my stomach then - breathing and living and breathing there. I pulled myself out of my head, and decided to head into those coveted moments of presence - where I was needed instead of thinking of the place where I never belonged.

I walked down the stairs to enter the dining hall where mom and dad already waited for me. "I've to rush to the hospital. Dr. Shekhar said it's kinda urgent -"

"- at least have your breakfast, Anu." Mom insisted, and I shot her a weary look, slumping my shoulders as I walked towards her.

"Mom do you really think I fancy eating at the hospital's cafeteria? Everything there's just so tasteless." I cringed, remembering the first time I had the food there. It was so bland, that I never ended up at the cafeteria again. "Mom, pack me the food, please? I think I can wait for that long."

Mom shot me an instant smile, stuffing the paratha into my ivory-shaded lunch box. I grabbed it as soon as she was done, and left a small peck on their cheeks before leaving.

With the windows rolled down, as I was driving towards the hospital, I switched on the stereo-played to keep myself away from over-thinking. I parked the car in my usual parking space, and ran towards the main building. I was greeted warmly by all the staff, and I returned them the greetings.

It had just been three days yet the hospital seemed so different to me. New patients, new families, but the only thing that seemed constant was pain around me. So much pain.

I walked into Dr. Shekhar's cabin panting heavily. I had literally made my legs run and stride to walk till here, the reason only being I had to see Virat after getting free from the hospital duties. But it seemed the fate wanted something different.

I looked at Dr. Shekhar, noticing how the radiance seeped across his masculine features. His blue eyes seemed a shade lighter now when exposed to the small specks of light. No wonder my parents were so keen on me dating him; he was handsome, from the same profession, empathetic and what not.

And maybe we wouldn't end up unhappy if happiness is stored in for everyone's life.

"This is about Virat Kohli's case." He finally spoke, snapping me out of my reverie.

I situated myself on the chair, leaning on it to calm down the spider-web of anxiety which was threatening to split inside me. "What about him?" I asked him, narrowing my eyes.

"Well, he had launched an e-mail complaining against you, Anushka. And that e-mail has reached the boards."

"What?" I asked him, incredulous. I tilted my head to the other side, staring at the floor, buried in deep thoughts. Wasn't yesterday he laughing and doing the exercise calmly along with me? I wondered what changed over-night? Especially when he knew, what a single complaint against me could do - it could, God forbid, jeopardize my entire future. He fucking knew it, and still he did.

That was something hard to believe, especially when we were slowly warming up to each other.

Gliding my eyes across the room, my gaze finally dropped at my phone. "Can I talk to him?" I knew the answer already; I couldn't. After a complaint against the attendant, a person couldn't confront him or her about it because it could be classified under threat which would only worsen the situation.

But I needed an answer to my questions.

"Did he mention something in the complaint? Like what exactly went wrong?"

"He said he didn't like the way you were treating him. It seemed amateurish and juvenile to him."

I chuckled dryly at his answer. Anger washed over me at that, and it was the slight brush of Dr. Shekhar's hands against mine which calmed me down. I could feel my eyes moistening. "I'm finished, aren't I?"

"No, Anushka. I'll talk to the board, tell them how Virat has always been like that and that it's not your fault."

"You'll do that for me?" I asked him. He nodded with a smile. "Thank you so much, Dr. Shekhar. For being such a great mentor and friend."

"Anytime," his gaze followed his watch. "I've to go now, I'll see you soon, yeah?"

I had no where to anyway. So I simply nodded, pressing my lips together. He left his cabin for his duty, and I got up from the chair too absent-mindedly.

While walking back to the parking lot, my mind was already into an exhaustive over-drive of all the moments Virat and I shared. They might seem insignificant to the rest of the world but my heart knew what it meant. I wasn't just his physiotherapist who would give him a visit and treat him by making him do some regular exercise. I had grown attached to him in those three days, as crazy as it sounded.

I was healing him, hoping that I could heal myself in the process too.

But the truth was Virat never did give me a chance.