WhatsApp Group Chat
'Club Penguin 🐧'

RDJ
for the first time ever, ladies and gents. . .
i feel like i won't be sucked into mackie's vortex of utter bullshit because sebastian stan is the one that's doing the typing this time
but please tell me i'm not about to be sucked into yet another vortex of bullshit

Mackie
i hate you rdj
why you gotta burn me like this

Christopher
well vanilla ice is here so don't worry, that burning sensation will subside in no time
and hey, who changed the group chat name to club penguin

Lizzie
chris why are you the one making jokes this time
and yeah who changed it wtf
if anything, i wanna be the pink penguin

Christopher
admit it
it was a damn good joke
and lizzie, that's not how club penguin works

Chad
the more important question is:
WHY is this group chat named club penguin in the first place

Seb
damn you holland
jean hasn't shut up about you ever since you decided to 'randomly' comment on her post
stop stealing my fucking thunder

Christopher
woah woah woah language

Seb
oh shut up christopher

Scarlett
HAHAHHA
what's jean doing now?

Seb
scrolling through his damn instagram profile
she's even ignoring poor old chester
AND ME

Paul R.
the kid's already stolen your thunder?
man, you really need to step up your game

Seb
I TOOK HER STARGAZING

Thomas
woah
hi
what did i miss

RDJ
son, you better run

Thomas
what
wait let me read everything i've missed

Seb
oh yeah sure take your time

Thomas
oh

Christopher
hide, tommy boy

Mackie
run home to your aunt may

Paul B.
or take cover in rdj's village

Thomas
it's not my fault i'm cuter than you'll ever be

Scarlett
oh my god

Daniel
did he just

Seb
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO ME HOLLAND

Chad
oh man this is gonna be great
wait hang on let me just recline my seat a little so that i can enjoy this better

Lizzie
i've got popcorn

Daniel
i've got soda

Mackie
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO MY PARTNER IN CRIME, HOLLAND?!

Christopher
well whoops look at the time
need to start prepping dinner

Mackie
BACK ME UP, CHRISTOPHER

Seb
YEAH BACK UP YOUR GYM AND BREAKFAST BRO WTF

Thomas
i was kidding
but no seriously
i am way more adorable
i mean look at all these cute memes the fans made

Seb

Thomas
hiddleston would never approve of this

Seb
well, hiddleston loves me more than you

RDJ
rip tom
i'm sorry son but i can't help you

Lizzie
rip tom

Paul B.
rip tom

Thomas
oh my god did jean just follow me on instagram

Seb
wait what
oh my god
oh my god this isn't happening

Mackie
YOU'RE LOSING HER, SEBASTIAN

Christopher
DO SOMETHING

Seb
WELL WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO

Lizzie
offer tommy boy up lmao

Scarlett
put him in a box and ship him to her house

Paul R.
won't that make things worse though

Seb
you people are not helping
AND TOM YOU BETTER NOT BE TYPING ANYTHING SNARKY

Thomas
i just want to point out that i adore her

Seb
well tell her that yourself

Thomas
well okay i can just dm her since we follow each other now

Chad
seb, you gotta stop telling the kid what to do

Don
when did we add tom holland in here

RDJ
like a few months ago
where have you been

Paul B.
away from this chat, i guess

Paul R.
well obviously, bettany

Chad
are we really using our own memes

Mackie
AH TELL HER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER

Christopher
^

RDJ
^

Seb
well. . . we haven't actually said that yet

Lizzie
wait what

Paul R.
did my ship just graze an iceberg

Mackie
what
why not
why
why

Christopher
not the right time yet?

Seb
sort of
i mean, we just started 'dating' five days ago
after we talked things through and after i told her that whenever she's ready, she can choose to tell me what actually bugged her.

Paul R.
actually, you gotta admit
you two started dating waaaaay before this

Chad
agreed ^

Christopher
tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen

Seb
we need to stop being gym and breakfast bros

Don
also, the whole roses and sunflowers thing?
bro.

RDJ
and you even had her brother's phone number way before you even flew to LA

Scarlett
let's not forget the time when sebastian sent her flowers and was visibly nervous about his surprise going awry

Lizzie
and the time when you thought you screwed everything up with your surprise visit to LA

Seb
okay
thank you ladies and gentlemen for reminding me
you're a helpful bunch

Mackie
admit it
you guys were 'mentally' dating for like two months already
you just officiated it five days ago
so officiate it by saying those three little words
come on now
don't be shy

Seb
it's not that easy, mackie

RDJ
i thought you were head over heels for my daughter?

Thomas
wait hang on
if jean's your daughter then i can't have a crush on her since i'm technically your son

RDJ
well alright then, i'll disown you

Chad
wow that was a quick decision

Mackie
HOLLAND IS QUAKING IN HIS LITTLE BOOTS RIGHT NOW

Seb
this just made me feel ten times better
in your damn face, holland

Thomas
we'll talk about this later, dad

RDJ
nope, decision's been made
the papers have been signed
jean's my little bean
and you're not

Seb
brb gonna tell jean about this

Lizzie
hey hey
where do you think you're going mister

Scarlett
get your ass back here, stan
we're not done with you yet

Seb
busy with my girlfriend
bye
oh btw
she just squealed
she's a proud daughter, rdj
in your face, holland x2
ok but for real
bye gonna head out for a quick bite

Christopher
oh so now you choose your girlfriend over your gym and breakfast bro

Mackie
i'm still mad disappointed about this
why the fuck wasn't i considered a gym and breakfast bro

Paul R.
SEBASTIAN SAID THE WORD GIRLFRIEND WEEWOO WEEWOO
my life is complete bye
gonna tweet this
expect a tweet from me and her brother coz i'm sure he's a fan of me

Seb
oh my god paul pls no

Paul B.
sebastian, if you haven't realized already...
rudd's already established a jean + seb club

Paul R.
IT'S CALLED SEBEAN, BETTANY
JEEZ KEEP UP
and hey speaking of jean
can we talk to her

Seb
she's shy

Paul R.
but i'm a funny guy
i'm ant man

RDJ
i haven't spoken to my daughter in weeks, all thanks to you
so put her on the phone

Seb
no, i'm serious
she's shy
like real shy
and i know what you're gonna say
"she looks super fuckin' badass"
but seriously, she's shy

Paul R.
but but
i'm nice!!!!
i'm adorable!!!!

Mackie
stop complimenting yourself, rudd

Christopher
how did we go from talking about seb not saying those three little words to this

Seb
damn you, evans
you can get mackie to be your gym and breakfast bro
i want out

Christopher
but i don't want mackie
i want you

Mackie
um hELLO
mackie is right here or am i just dead to y'all???

RDJ
definitely dead to us ^ #sorrynotsorry

Thomas
why haven't you said those three little words to her yet though?

Seb
because we just started dating

Lizzie
that sounds more like an excuse

Paul R.
oh hey look
seb and tom are talking like mature adults for a change

Paul B.
or more appropriately, seb is finally replying tom like a mature adult for a change ^

Seb
look, i told jean i'll take things slow with her
and honestly, i haven't been doing that these past few days
we've been moving at a really fast pace and i'm not sure if she feels comfortable with it
plus, you can't force these things
and i don't wanna force things
i don't want her to feel pressured into saying it back
and honestly, i know i'm gonna love this girl
i already like her this much to fly out to see her so i know i'm gonna love the hell out of her

Mackie
sebastian is the boyfriend we all want and need

Christopher
sebastian is the gym and breakfast bro we all do not want and do not need

Lizzie
you just had to ruin the moment, didn't you?

RDJ
chris does that a lot
we need to get him a girlfriend
hey evans
you up for a blind date

Scarlett
how about laura from accounting

Chad
did scarlett just quote her own line from TWS

Paul R.
all hail queen scarlett

Paul B.
i was expecting hydra to follow after she said "hail..."

Renner
i took a nap and i come back to this
but hey are we really setting evans up on a blind date

Christopher
no

Seb
YES

Scarlett
it's 9pm, jer
what kind of a nap was that

Renner
a good one that lasted for 4 hours

Seb
how do you even skip dinner

Renner
sleep's more important, bud

Mackie
i've never related to jeremy more than i have now
anyway alright
have a good time with jean, seabass
you're only gonna be there for another day, right?

Seb
yup, and then it's gonna be our second goodbye.

Christopher
you can do it, bud.
you both can. not all long distance relationships turn sour.
plus, maybe you guys could work out a schedule, like when to fly out and all.

RDJ
evans has got a point there ^
i'm sure you and jean will see each other again.

Seb
i really hope we do

Paul R.
plus, the press tour is coming up.
why don't you ask her to come along?
then we can all bond together!!!!

Scarlett
^ yes bring her along!!!
ask her to go to the civil war premiere with you
we all wanna meet her so bring her
it's not a request

Renner
hang on i just realized something
who the hell changed this chat name to club penguin

---
a/n; wey hey looks like the ca:cw press tour is starting real soon 👀