Really, I know it's white, but through the darkness all I can see is black.

My ceiling has always been white, but over time it has seemed to darken to a light gray perhaps it's collected dust or my lighting has changed, whatever it is, it's something that keeps me up at night.

Come to think of it, everything keeps me up at night.

I find myself staring at this gray ceiling for hours, headphones in ears music blasting, eyes bloodshot, but refusing to blink.

Despite being tired all day, I can never fall asleep, but I know that this is normal, with the situation and all.

5 minutes, it feels like I may have fallen asleep for about 5 minutes, but in reality, perhaps I haven't fallen asleep at all.

6:58, time to turn off my music.

Even without the music, my ceiling was still something I could easily fixate on, something, I was still amazed by. It wasn't the music that kept my thoughts running, it was just my thoughts that kept the music running.

"It's time to go to school Sam." My mom walked in flashing my light on and off.

She used to do this for my brother, it reminded him of cops for some reason. He wanted to be a cop.

"Does my ceiling look darker to you."

"No honey."

"Really look at it."

"Sam, I am, it looks fine, get ready for school."

She shut the door behind her, she shut the door behind her, why did she do that?
Why?
She never does in the morning, she is always worried I will fall back asleep, she never shuts the door, why now, what's different?
Did something happen?
what happened?

I slowly roll over to my left side to fix my eyes onto the door. I stare at the small pencil marks on the front of the door, everything causes me to think of him. He didn't deserve any of this, he was just so small, has his whole world in front oh him.

"Okay line up on your door Corey, let's see how tall you are." My mom smiled

"Okay, but why can't we do it on Sam's door, I want to see how much taller she is than me."

"It's not a competition, you and your sister are going to grow different, not in competition, now line up. We will see how tall Sam is on her door after."

A small tear rolled over my nose. I felt as the soft smooth liquid dangled on the edge until it finally released and dripped onto my dark bed sheets.

I felt weak when I shredded tears, even selfish. Worse case scenario I was losing my brother, my mother was losing a child. What's harder?

If anything she deserved to cry, but me? I didn't think it was fair, she needed someone to be strong for her, for someone to at least be okay, even though I clearly wasn't okay, she needed to think I was, she needed it.

I reached for my socked slippers that were just underneath my bed. I pulled my left one on then reached for the other and put that one as well.

I pulled myself up the stairs, each one being harder than the last.

I didn't want to go to school today, I didn't want to hear about the rumors, nor see Dylan, god I couldn't handle Dylan.

"Alright honey... I know  we will figure this out."

I stop

"I know, I am trying  I don't want to Sam to hear me."

she's crying

"I love you too, see you soon."

See You Soon.

"Who was that?" I asked.

I threw a smile on my face for two reasons. ONE to show that I had a good sleep and wasn't lacking energy when I didn't sleep at all. TWO to show that I was interested and not concerned, but in reality, I knew she was talking to my dad.

"Oh, just some friends, they might drop off."

She's lying

"That's nice."

"It is."

"I really don't want to go to school today, I just really need a day."

Most times when I say this, she doesn't even question it. As far as she's concerned I am a straight A student, who is popular and has no issues at school.

"Alright, honey."

See what I mean?

I smiled at my mother then headed back to my room. My room used to be my favorite place, I am not saying I don't like it anymore, but it's almost as if I loved it so much that I got bored of it.

My record collection, all my books, that's where all my money every went to, now I don't seem to read much, I rather listen to my iPod or a playlist off youtube, instead of my records.

The version of me that my classmates know, the girl they think I am, it's almost like I am starting to believe it, that I came consuming the lie.

"Sam?" My mom walked in.

"Yeah?"

"You school sent this in the mail yesterday and I forgot to mention it. The school is holding a few competitions and one of them is for photography, you could win a brand new camera."

"Oh, I don't think my shots are that great."

"Honey, they are so good, I often forget that you did them, and you don't have the best equipment yet you make the best of it, that's true talent."

"I don't want too."

"Oh, think about it, take some time."

"I don't want too."

"Okay, I am sorry. Shawn has called you twice." She whispered handing me my phone.

She was disappointed, heartbroken but I didn't know what to tell her. I truly don't want to do it, I don't want to put that much blood, sweat, and tears into something when I need it so desperately somewhere else.

"Hey!" He says

"Hey, sorry I didn't have my phone."

"It's all good."

"So what's up?"

"You tell me."

"What? Shawn, you called me first, I was just calling you back." I stated as if it was something funny.

"I know your crashing Sam, I just- Please just, talk to me."

"Shawn." I paused, but Shawn gave me my time by not responding.

"I don't know what to do, or how to do this. I have you and I used to have Dylan, but every time I look at her I just feel guilty, and I can't handle it."

"People drift apart Sam, and yeah the drifting apart was meant because of Jill, but that's not on you."

"Feels like it's on me," I whispered

"What can I do?" He whispered back

Now I was the one who was broken, there was nothing Shawn could do, he could be here to fix things, he couldn't save my brother.

He couldn't ask people to stop talking to me and ignore me, he couldn't reverse time, he couldn't to fix my mistakes. He was catching on, but even when he figured it out, he couldn't fix my depression.

No matter how many times I refused to believe it, it always just kept slapping me in the face. Even coming out and saying I don't have it, doesn't mean it goes away.

I would also be lying if I said Shawn didn't make me feel better. When he hears my records play and my books seem so much more interesting, my ceiling seems whiter.

But he can't always fix everything.

"Sam, can you come downstairs."

"All our conversations seem to be ending with you mom yelling for you." Shawn awkwardly laughed

"Yeah, I am sorry Shawn."

"For what?"

"Everything."

and with that, I hung up.

SHAWN WILL BE MORE INVOLVED HERE ON OUT❤️❤️
We got a little idea on what happened to Dylan and Sam.
We officially know that Sam has depression.
Why did her mom call her down this time, when she knew she was talking to Shawn? Must have been important.... what are your thoughts?? ❤️❤️