Daddy

It's so quiet in here, so calm. My eyes are dropping with sleep but I keep them open. The steady rhythm of the heart monitor is driving me insane. So many times I have loved that rhythm, I have laid my head on her chest, being lulled to sleep by its charming cadence. Now, it's the only indicator that the love of my life hasn't left me yet.

She's just resting, that's what I keep telling myself. There's nothing wrong with her. In a few more days, she'll open her eyes and I will drive her and our son to our house.

Hope, keep hope alive. That's all I can do considering the circumstances. Her lips have lost their peachy color, her cheeks are so pale that they're almost see-through. Her belly is the only part of her body that seems alive but that's because there's someone else living there. Our son. I know he's the reason why my love is still with us. She fought for that child, she's not going to give up until she knows he's safe.

My muscles are cramped up but I'm scared to let her go. The hard cushioned sofa is killing my body but I can't move. This is the only place I want to be, I need to be.

I touch her stomach, feeling my boy move around. He never stays in one place for long which used to scare me. I thought he would somehow worsen Irene's case but the doctors put me at ease. His movements are normal, they will not affect her.

I lean back a little bit, just enough for my back to touch the couch. The tension slightly lessen on my shoulders.

My poor shoulders, I don't even know how they survived a relationship with Irene. They had to succumb to the heavy weight of her backpack for years and years. I can't really blame her, she warned me before I even took it the first time. I thought it was a joke but turned out that the girl really did put her entire dorm in the backpack. Nonetheless, I carried it with no complaint. I had to, that was my way to apologize for my badly thought-through actions on our first night.

I even waited for her outside the building, on one of the metal benches, while she absorbed knowledge. I bounced on my feet when I finally saw her silhouette pushing the exit door, the brunette with the long legs showing under her sundress. She looked so much like a heavenly doll – perfectly crafted by our creator's hands.

"How was it?" I asked her. My body sweated with the amount of self-control I had to obtain in order to not pull her to me right now. That would without a doubt scare her away from me.

She froze when she saw me standing in front of her, "Have you been waiting for me this all time?"

"Yes," I said, my smile faltering. Was it creepy?

"Don't you have a class to attend?"

"I got a couple more minutes free," I extended my hand for her to give me the bag.

"That's ok, I can handle it."

"Come on, it's heavy," I moved closer but she took a step back.

"I've been carrying my own bag for twelve years. I can handle it."

"I'm trying to help."

"I don't need your help."

I grunted, "Why must you be so difficult?"

"Why must you be so annoying?" She countered.

"I'm trying to make up for Friday night"

"You did that already, Joseph. Give it a rest."

"But..."

"You promised if I forgive you, you would not follow me around," she reminded me.

"Ok, fine," I reluctantly gave up the argument.

You can't ever win with a woman, my mother taught me that.

"Can I at least have your phone number?" I asked when she started to walk away from me.

"We have classes together," she faced me. "I hardly think this will be the last time we'll ever see each other."

"So that's a no on the phone number?"

"I'll see you in class, Joseph," she smiled at me then walked away.

"Bye, Irene," I whispered for only my ears to hear.

I stood immobile, inhaling her sweet candy apple aroma that still lingered in the air. How does one smell like candy apple? I watched her disappear from my view without even so much as a glance back.

When I was sure she was gone, I made my way to chemistry. It had already begun when I walked in. I retrieved a syllabus from the teacher's desk then sat all the way in the back, where nobody will bother me.

As I stared at the picture of a human cell projected on the board, my mind floated outside, where Irene was. I daydreamed about touching that soft milky white skin, kissing her pink plump lips. I wondered whether it would be classified as stalking if I asked her friend for her phone number.

I thought they were friends. They must have been since they arrived together at the party. I needed to find that girl, the one with the similar outfit as Irene. Another person would have mistaken them for twins. However, I saw differently. Their differences were so obvious to me. Only Irene's dark green eyes sparkled in the light, only her nose was decorated with tiny freckles, only her mouth was so attractive. Irene's face was oval shaped while hers was a half-formed square.

She was everything that girl wished she was, radiating life and intelligence yet watching the world with awe and eagerness.

How will I find her though? I'll just ask Shawn. They were together most of the night. That guy did have an uncanny habit to avoid any girl he slept with at a party. Those catches are too easy so they're bound to come with problems, his words not mine.

I'll just ask him. He couldn't have thrown away her number already. Or better yet, he might have known her dorm so I could wait for her to return.

"I'll see you all next class," the professor said as she packed up and left.

I was the first one out the door. I wanted to call him now so I can settle my mind. I wanted to hear her voice, I was succumbing to withdrawal.

I fished out my phone from my pocket but before I could dial a number, a call came up. My mother. I totally forgot to call her before I went to class. She was going to go ballistic on me.

"Hi, mom," I answered as cheerful as possible.

"What time is it, Joseph?" She asked me in her thick Haitian accent.

I scratched the back of my head. How could I forget such a simple task, I would never hear the end of it. "I'm sorry..."

"Joseph, I told you before you leave that you had to call me at least three times a day," her voice was calmed. That wasn't good.

"I know, mom." I moved to a quiet corner, away from others sight and earshot.

"I am not okay with you being so far away..."

"It's only three hours away," I grunted.

"Did I say I was done? I was not done so why you talking?"

Even miles away, the woman was able to scare the hell out of me. "Sorry," I whispered.

I kept glancing around to make sure no one noticed I was talking to my mother. If Shawn or any of the other boys happened to get hold of this information, I was done for.

"You're my first child, my first boy. I know you growing up but you still not grown enough. I'm your mother and I worry so do not forget to call me ever. I don't care if you in class, if it's been more than five hours and you haven't called me, I will drive to that university and drag you home. Understand?"

"Yes, mom."

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes."

"Did you take a shower?"

"Yes."

"Did you carefully wash...?"

"Mom!" I lowly hissed at her. "I'm in public."

"Watch your tone, boy," she reprimanded while her voice still retained that mix of authority, sweetness, and love that only mothers can master.

"I have to go to class," I lied.

"Wait, you have to talk to your brother. He's rapping again. I can't talk to that boy anymore, he's trying to send the devil on me."

Growing up in a Haitian household, it was ingrained in us that anyone going in the entertainment business will surely end up a drug addict. The worse dream a kid could have was to become a musician or an actor. It wasn't even up for debate; it was an absolute no.

We were given four choices: be a doctor, be a lawyer, be an engineer, or be a businessman. No other choices were explored. I was never much of a rebel so I chose medicine. It opened many doors for someone to be respected while saving lives so it was worth it.

"Sup, bro," Henry answered angrily.

That little dude will be the death of me. He had just started high school last week and he was already in a fight and a rap group. The boy worked fast.

"What's up, little man," I said. "I hear you're trying to give mom a heart attack."

"Nah, she be trippin'. I'm just tryin' to fit in, you know."

"At the cost of your mother?"

"Ain't nothin' bad gonna happen to her. She's just tryin' to cage me 'cause I look like dad."

There it was – the daddy issues. Henry had it worse than me even though I had always been there for him. I'd learned to accept that our father was not coming back. As far as I knew, he was living the good life with his young new wife. I'd been living without a father since I was nine years old so I'd accepted that part of my life a long time ago.

Henry wasn't so forgiving. He was still holding to the grudge dad had inflicted on him since his fifth birthday. It was even worse that he was the exact portrait of dad. That caused strong pain to both him and mom. I'd seen him looking at the mirror, ashamed of acts he didn't commit. I'd seen my mother's eyes welled as she watched him, reminiscing about happy and bad memories that face had inflicted upon her.

"Do you want to be him? Hurting mom for no reason?"

"No, of course not but you know how she is. She be worryin' for no reason. I'm young so I gotta live my life. I can't be worryin' about what she wants all the time."

I ran an exhausted hand on my head, feeling the roughness of my short hair.

"I'm not telling you to crush your dreams but you got to give up something to get something. Mom is the only family we have left so go easy on her. Stop with the fighting."

"But it wasn't even..."

"Henry," I warned him to not continue his argument.

"Fine, I'll just pause my destiny to make the woman happy."

He hung up. I heaved an exasperated sigh.

He wasn't a bad boy but his crave to belong in the cool crowd had gotten him in enough trouble already. He used to look up to me but his new found friends were changing that. It was painful to see him slip away from my guidance.

That was what I lived for. He was the reason why I poured my all in school so I can create a better path for him. They were all worthless efforts if he deviated from the right path.

A brunette passed in front of me. For a quick second, my blood boiled with excitement, thinking it was Irene. Then, I caught a glimpse of one side of her profile. My temperature suddenly dropped as if someone had just poured a bucket of cold water on me.

I moved away from the wall I'd been leaning on. With determination, I walked towards the dorm I shared with Shawn. I needed that number. I needed to hear that melodic voice penetrate my ears and freeze my overworked brain.

I'd only known her for a week and I was already addicted. Mom was wrong. It was not only entertainers who become drug addicts, people in love did too.

Irene was my drug and I needed a dosage right now.