Mommy

You know that feeling you get sometimes when life keeps kicking you while you're already down and you just feel yourself slipping away slowly? That's the one I'm having right now except it's ten times worse since I know for a fact that I'm slipping away. That's the doctors' daily topic now.

They are getting ready to pack my body in a coffin and seal it underground. I can't say I blame them now because I know what's going on inside of my head. They're disappearing - the little details, the memories. I'm trying to hold on to them but I can't.

My world is being flipped upside down now that I know there's no saving grace for me. I'm going to leave my boys alone. I'm going to die.

I thought I knew what losing your hard earned blood diamond felt like when Joseph and I took a break while he recovered from his family problems back in college. Now, I know that feeling was just a fragment of the real lost. Joseph and I are drifting apart and unlike last time there is no beautiful promises, shared feelings that will glue us back together. This time around no misunderstandings is tearing us apart. There's only death itself.

I want to go back in time. I want us to still be fighting about useless things. Anything to make me forget this down spiral I'm falling into. Since I'm not Marty McFly and I don't have a friend named Doc Brown to build me a time machine, I'm going to have to continue to rely on the leftover memories my brain is still hosting.

The infamous misunderstandings that almost deprived me of knowing the truest and most unconditional love happened during one of the most painful times for Joseph. I didn't know what happened but I was pissed. I simply knew he rejected me when I offered my help and it hurt more than I expected. My pride was wounded and my spirit was broken worse than before.

He was the one who had backed me up when I was taking my life in my own hands and he was telling me that I wasn't strong enough to take care of him. He might as well had told me that I was useless. I had returned right back to being a little girl who relied on others to raise her.

I wanted to give him back some of the strength he lent me but apparently I didn't have enough on my own to survive.

I sped back to the campus as fast as I could. I ran under my covers to hide myself from the fact that nothing I did will ever be enough for Joseph to see me as a strong woman like he saw his mother. I was never going to equal the strength of anyone in his family. That was why he couldn't see me as part of his family. They were eagles soaring above me, lions roaring their way through their obstacles while I coward behind his back, tricking myself into thinking that his vigor was mine.

I spent days in agony, nights drowning in my own tears and stupidity. I tried to pick myself up by taking more shifts at work and entering a cultural club.

Guess which cultural club I accidently signed up for?

The Haitian club! Like I needed more reminders of what I was missing.

There was to be a food event the following weekend. An entire night dedicated to the food Joseph was used to growing up in his mother's kitchen. I was going to ogle all night at the delicacies Joseph promised to make for me one day. How was I supposed to go through it?

I was missing him. I knew that but my mind and heart were incapable to cooperate and agree on whether to wait for him to come back or reach out to him while I could.

I sat in the same booth I served my first customers with my phone in my hands, his picture mesmerizing my mind, and my tear ducts leaking on my face. Orange and pink shades had just taken over the sky, sending the calming liquor of the night my way. My fingers hovered on the call button.

I had no idea what I was going to say. Did I overreact? A little bit. Did I want to say it out loud and give him reason over me? No. An impasse had been reached.

An old country song hightailed from Mr. Lay's radio in the backroom to the sound system. It filled the empty restaurant. The accented voice of a man singing about lost love wriggled the nostalgia for Joseph's love in my bones.

This small break – at least I hoped it was nothing more than that – hammered down my heart with harder blows than the ending of my first relationship did. I didn't love that boy back then. And most importantly, I had a shoulder to cry on.

Everyone had deserted me now and I was left alone with my independence.

My small hand clamped around my mouth as I struggled to pinch back my tears. Mr. Lay was the one to blame here. He had left his dear Alabama since his teenage years and had decided that day as the perfect time to have a throwback with all the heart wrenching love songs this little town could produce.

And because karma wanted to run a bulldozer over my already shattered heart, my gaze was caught with a blonde girl in high heels sandals strolling down the road with a blond wannabe punk rock singer in black leather. Carmen and Erin, hand in hand, walking past the window store across the road.

She was ranting about something. Her eyes dimmed down as if they were trying to portray the vile thoughts that were bathing inside her mind. I used to be her most loyal and sought out listener to share those thoughts with because I didn't judge her mischievousness. I let her do what she had to do as long as she had a reason and nobody was hurt in the process.

Something was bothering her. My eyes easily caught her hidden tell-tales. It was all over her if someone decided to look closer. Her usual impeccably brushed and shining hair was pulled in a loose ponytail and the blushed applied to her cheeks was the wrong shade of pink.

Those were mistakes Carmen never ever did. She held her shoulders tightly in the air to discourage any types of conversation to the passers and she was watching straight ahead while talking. The Carmen I knew loved to stare at people while she ranted so she would know instantly whether you were supporting her point of view or not.

All that I got from a quick glimpse several feet away but the man centimeters away, whose hand was holding hers in a sign of affection, was completely clueless. He was admiring every nicely shaped derriere that passed him. He rewarded any girl who met his gaze with a smirk and a wink.

I slid out of the booth and waved at Mr. Lay before clocking out for the day. It was twenty minutes earlier than I was supposed to but the finals were creeping around the corner so less and less students wanted to waste time away from their textbooks.

Watching Carmen and Erin made me realized what I had with Joseph. It wasn't perfect but at least we had love. He didn't share everything with me like I wanted him to but he never spaced out when I needed his support. He was always there and I needed to get over my envy for his strength and accept his love.

I had decided to call him. I was ready to apologize for my ridiculous outburst and be the good little girlfriend he wanted and stay put.

Who was I kidding? I didn't want to be a good little girlfriend. I wanted to be the kind of girlfriend who was strong enough to lift any load that would happen to fall on her beloved boyfriend. I wanted to be the one he would run to when the problems were piling up. I needed to be that girl so it was concluded that the next day I had to head back to the hospital.

However, the view that presented to me might place a flaw to my plan. With his back on my door and his head laying on his palms, Joseph waited for me on the cold floor.

I stepped out of the elevator then stopped to contemplate the man I called mine. His tall, lean body was crouched down as his palms came together in front of his face as if he was praying. The dark hair on his head had surpassed their length limit. His eyes, when they leveled to mine, glimmered in relief and passion.

I crammed my mind for a nice phrase to say to a loved one who has returned to you but all I could come up with while those brown eyes were staring at me was a lame hi.

He rose off the floor and stood there. His feet were positioned in walking mode but they stayed in place. His eyes staid on mine, waiting for a signal from me.

"I'm sorry," I ran to him despite my determination to stay put and make him see the strength I desperately needed to gain.

"No, you were right." His breath brushed over my ear as I continued to push my face deeper in his chest, trying to link us together. "I shouldn't have been that harsh with you. I should have done a better job at recognizing the skills of the woman life sent my way."

"I have no skills, Joseph." I hiccupped.

Tears, such a good way to come off as a powerful woman.

His lips swoop down mine in one swift move. His hands pulled me flushed to his taunt stomach while he appeased my mind with his kiss.

"You're the strongest woman I know," he said when we came back for air. "I just didn't want you to be close to that man. It had nothing to do with you being weak nor me not seeing you as part of my family. Trust me when I say that you're the only woman I've ever met who made me feel so impotent and useless. You never needed me. You did everything by yourself. I was just here to help you see your potential."

I leaned in for another kiss. A brief touch of our lips was enough to spark the electricity.

"I love you."

Perhaps I was being a little bit too easy but for this man I was going to be the easiest woman on the planet. Love was hard enough to survive.