Daddy

I know I'm dreaming but I can't get myself to wake up; not when dreamland is the only place I can see my beautiful angel healthy and moving freely.

I see her in her wedding gown across a crystal blue river, embedded in a field of lilies. She throws the white veil in the back of her head, revealing smiling red lips and rosy cheeks. Her green eyes sparkle under the sun. She twirls around, arms in the air, invading my ears with her sweet melodic voice. I run to her, dying to hold her slender frame in my hands, to feel the heat come off her body. I want to kiss her, hold her, and make sure she can never leave me.

Then someone has the nerves to wake me up. I jump up, my eyes instantly seeking Irene. My body settles when I see her lying there with her chest rising and falling.

"Hey, you were about to fall off the chair," my brother grins. He stays behind the couch, leaning on the wall.

I rub my tired eyes while failing to stifle a yawn, "Thanks."

"When was the last time you've had a good night's sleep?" He watches me intensely just like mom does sometimes.

"I don't know. I can't remember." I sit back down, taking Irene's cold hands back on mine – where they belong.

"You need to sleep, man. Nobody's going to blame you for leaving for a few hours. You've been here for weeks now. Where do you shower?"

"They have a shower room in this hospital. Mom brings me new clothes every few days," I point at the little bag on the other side of the room.

"And your boss is okay with that?"

"I've taken some times off. It's no big deal."

"It's an extremely big deal. Do you think Irene would want you like this? You need to take care of yourself for her and your son."

"Yeah, you're right," I lay a butterfly kisses on each of her knuckles before laying my head on her swelled belly. "I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week," he reminds me. "You need to look less ugly for when she wakes up."

I groan softly, pressing my ears deeper to catch my son's heartbeat. Even when there's a machine replicating the sound to me every hour of every day, I want to hear it from the source. I know it's impossible but at least I can feel his little movements.

Henry is still trying to talk to me into leaving but I'm no longer listening. I'm having a private moment with my son. I wish he was here with Irene and me already.

She's going to wake up soon, I think as I slowly draw pattern on her skin.

I'm in denial; I know but I can't change it. It's my automatic response every time I'm venturing in a scary adventure. I spend the entire time telling myself it's not real until it's over or it gets over my head so I have to wake up to deal with it. Right now, my dream is coming to its end and reality is catching up.

The same thing happened when I wanted to ask Irene out the first time. Every day I laid on my bed trying to summon enough courage to call and ask her. Every day it will end with me throwing the phone away before I finished dialing her number. In class, I would start asking then I'd cop out and ask for something totally different like the notes I already have or a pencil that's already in my hand. They all ended with me boiling in embarrassment and cowardice.

It took another boy innocently asking for a pencil for me to be ripped away from the denial I was bathing in. It at least put me halfway out of my denial.

"Do you want to go out with me?" I blurred out while her head was still in her backpack, searching for the pencil.

Both she and the boy rocking an orange Mohawk looked up at me in confusion.

"What?" she asked. "You mean as in a date?"

That was when the sudden bravery begun to cool out and I realized what I had just said. "I mean as friends. We can hang out as friends. We can like go see a movie or something. Just two friends hanging out."

The Mohawk boy smirked at me. He knew what was happening and he was enjoying my embarrassment. I threw my pencil to him, "There's a pencil now go away."

"Wasn't that your only pencil?" She furrowed her brows at me.

I looked at my lonely notebook sitting on my desk.

"There," she handed me the pencil she retrieved from her backpack.

"So? What do you say?" I smiled at her. I twirled the pencil between my fingers to give me something to do other than worry about her answer.

Those were the third longest seconds of my life. She bit her lips as if unsure of her decision. That about almost killed me. If she said no, there's a chance that my heart would have stopped instantly.

"Sure," she smiled.

"Ok, then I'll meet you in front of your building tomorrow at eight PM?"

"Cool," she turned around as the teacher entered the classroom that suddenly became quiet.

I let out a long breath. Thank the heavens!

The weight of what I had done didn't fully drop on me until nightfall. I laid back on my arms, trying to plan the perfect date. Or rather the perfect hang out.

Where could it possibly go that won't immediately scream romantic but is subtly romantic enough to not bury me in the friend zone?

The movies were obviously a terrible choice. Seeing a romantic movie in our first night out was similar to shout I'm in love with you from the roof top. Not watching s romantic movie drastically increased my chance at being locked in the friend zone.

I didn't want to go to any sportive game because I was extremely verbal when I was rooting for my team. She will be running for the hills before the first half hour like the last girl I asked out.

I spent the night tossing and turning. Shawn woke up twice to make me stop turning. A burning in the back of my eyes reminded me of my need to sleep but I fought it off. I kept hammering my brain for a way to dazzle Irene. I wanted her to feel the way I was feeling. I wanted to fill her thoughts. I wanted something to make her fall in love with me.

I doze off a little before five AM. When I woke up, I was more than an hour late for class. I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth then grabbed the first shirt and pair of pants my hands fell on. I ran to class with my shoes in hand. I only stopped in front of the classroom door to put them one. Despite my efforts, the professor was dismissing the class when I entered.

That was my first unexcused absence in my life. I couldn't believe it. I prided myself for being a punctual person and an excellent student. I leaned on a tree to catch my breath as I watch the students filed out of the room.

Well, on the positive side, I didn't have to be stuck in a room pretending to not be freaking out about seeing Irene tonight. I didn't have anything else to think about besides where we were going. I asked her out so I needed an activity for us and I needed it quick.

I walked along the campus park that students used to promote clubs and programs. I strolled past the library with a poster of Governor Rick Scott giving a speech attached to the entry door. I roamed past her building. I was at war with myself. I wanted to cancel the rendezvous before I embarrassed myself but I wanted to see her.

My phone rang in my pocket. It was her ringtone – Oh, Pretty woman by Roy Orbison. I'd heard it in one of the movies mom used to make me watch when I was grounded. It had slipped my mind as soon as the movie was over but for some reason it was the first song that came to mind when I thought of Irene. She was my pretty woman.

"Hi," I answered. I scanned the streets to make sure she wasn't there. As far as I knew, she might had seen me lurking around and got creep out. Therefore, she wanted to cancel the date.

"Hey, are we still on for tonight?" She asked.

"Of course." My confidence came back, I didn't want to cancel. I didn't want her to cancel either. "Why would you ask?"

"Umm," she laughed timidly, "I was just...making sure."

"Ok, we're still on. I'll see you in a few hours."

"Yeah, I'll see you soon."

I hung up with renewed determination to find an activity worthy of her.

The tasked proved to be harder than I thought. I found myself lacking energy by the end of my last class. I went up my dorm to rest a bit but Shawn was there with his music on full blast. I had to scream for him to hear me. That was saying something since we were not even one foot apart.

"Can you put it down, man?" I shouted.

When the music went down, he turned to me with his wolf grin. "I'm sorry. I didn't hear what you were saying. Those speakers are really loud. Money well spent."

"I was saying to put the music down."

"Well then, I must be a psychic."

I groaned. I didn't have time for him so I went straight to my bed without taking my shoes off.

"You're alright there?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired. I have to go somewhere in a couple of hours so I can't really have much sleep."

"I told you to stop turning last night but hey, nobody ever listens to me."

"Whatever man, can you just let me take the little nap?"

"Yeah about that. I have some buddies coming in a couple of minutes so I don't think sleeping is going to be at all possible."

"Ughh, why didn't tell me that before like a good roommate is supposed to?"

"Come on dude," he grinned, "everybody knows I'm the master of bad."

I should have gotten a better roommate. I knew I should have requested for a change as soon as I met him at the campus tour. He was too much of a party guy and a little too fond of a good fight. I was afraid he was going to pick a fight with me just for the pleasure of having one.

"If it's really that important, you can just take one of my energy pills."

"I don't do drugs."

"Who do you think I am?" he cried. "They're not drugs. They're power ups. They're supposed to keep your energy up and keep you from feeling sleepy. My dad gave them to me before I came here. For finals, you know."

I was reluctant but I wanted to be at my best when I was with Irene. I wanted to be 100 percent there for her. This couldn't happen if I was half asleep when she was talking so I took the pills.

I hurried to find the perfect outfit without Shawn noticing my nervousness. He was not going to let me past it if he found out that I was anxious because of a date.

Then I left to go wait for her. In the hallway, there was a throng of guys shouting nonsenses. There was no doubt they were Shawn's guests and I was already conscious of the state the room will be once I came back.

I roamed around the building, waiting for the time to pass so I can go get her. I didn't want to be there too early so I won't come off as overbearing; I couldn't be late either so I won't be a jerk.

It felt like weeks had passed before the clock struck 8 o'clock. My sleepiness was wearing off. My normal energy was flaming inside of me even though I had no idea where I was going. I was going to wing it. You have no idea how stressing this really was. Trying to be spontaneous without having a good idea of what you're doing can bring a man down to his knees.

I stopped a few inches away from the front door to admire the beauty who was gracing me with her time tonight. Her slender frame was encased in a mid-thighs length white dress, letting her long legs free and her ankles wrapped by the strap of her heeled sandals. Her brown hair was let loose on her back, her lips pink, and her eyes cheeks rosier than ever. A white handbag was swaying in her right hand.

I felt such like an ugly duckling standing here in my black jeans, white shirt, blue jacket, and black moccasins. I felt so underdressed, anyone who saw us walking side by side probably didn't think we were actually together.

I made my way towards her, counting my steps in my head so I wouldn't walk too fast nor too slow. My knees buckled under me when her head turned. Her emerald eyes were shining in the soft glow of the afternoon light. I had to walk a little closer to the building so I can sort of use it to hold myself up without anyone noticing.

"Hey," she whispered when I got closer.

"Hey," I replied. It was getting harder for me to breathe with her intoxicating candy apple scent assaulting my nostrils. I wasn't a teenage girl being star truck but I swear I was swooning.

"I think I'm kind of overdressed," she said. "I know you said a movie or something but you didn't seem so sure. I just put this on in case we were doing something more."

"You're perfect," I said before I caught myself. "I mean it's fine. The dress...I mean the dress is fine."

"Thanks," she grinned. "Shall we go?"

"Sure," I gave her the crook of my arm to hold on to.

With small step, we began to walk without any set directions. She probably thought I had one because she never questioned where we were headed. I hated myself for making her walk in her heels, those things looked painful. They were so thin that I wondered why they hadn't given out under her yet. She probably didn't weight much. Her waist seemed small enough to fit my hands.

"Where are we going?" she asked, about ten minutes into the walk. I guess she was getting tired.

"Uumm," I looked around for inspiration.

I couldn't tell her that nothing I saw seemed good enough for her. I wanted something that showed her how special she was to me without scaring her away. Now, it seemed like I was going to have to settle for something mediocre. Neither my creativity nor my bank account agreed with my plans to give her an evening fit for a queen.

I was about to propose for us to go to the show the dance group had organized when my stomach growled. My eyes jumped out of my head. I coughed loudly, trying to hide the embarrassing noise.

She quickened her steps and hauled me with her. "Let's go eat. I discovered this lovely little place last week during one of my morning runs."

I tried to protest. A small dinner didn't fit in my awesome and inconclusive plans. However, I couldn't afford an extravagant one.

"I'm not really hungry," I lied. I hadn't eaten anything all day. My sensitive stomach wouldn't handle anything. I was too nervous about this date.

"Too bad, I'm starving," she replied.

She won me with that. I wasn't going to make her suffer because of my unrealistic expectations.

"Lead the way then," I smiled.

She dragged me off campus. About half way, my steps started to be a little more bouncy, my head was getting foggy, and I felt an inexplicable urge to run around.

A warm feeling was spreading from limbs to limbs making them jerk ever so often. Giggles threatened to slip out of my lips.

I was more concentrated in what was happening to me than where I was going which caused me to hit my head in the door.

"Joseph," Irene cried, "are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine," I brushed it off. "This is it?" I looked at the little house in the middle of a tuft of bluejack oak trees. With paint the color of mud and one simple window, it projected an ominous feel. The near dark sky made it even worse. It seemed like somewhere people were invited to be slaughtered.

"Yes, the inside is less scary than the outside."

Somehow, this assurance didn't really settle me. I just followed her to make her happy and that since it was right across the streets from a residential house, it was less difficult for us to call for help.

We walked in and sat a table away from the door. I wasn't about to go further inside. I was as cautious as my mother.

"Cute, right?" she asked.

My eyes flicked around. It wasn't at all where I wanted us to be tonight but I'd have to settle for the fact that we were together. There was only two other girls at the far corner, a blonde and a ginger. It was painted in all white with red stripped where the ceiling and the wall meet.

"It's adorable," I said. My grin fell when her face blurred in front of me.

I blinked and everything went back to normal.

"Good afternoon," greeted an old lady with a white apron that said I know I'm delicious but try the food too, it's better.

There was no words to fully describe how utterly disgusted I was. Those words scarred me for life.

"Nice slogan," Irene laughed. She winked at me when she noticed my disgusted air.

The woman gave us each a menu then disappeared in the back.

A tremor shook my body, causing me to drop the menu as soon as I picked it up. My feet began to tap restlessly on the cemented floor.

"Joseph," she called, "is there something wrong?"

"Nope," I replied. "I've never felt better."

I was panicking. Something wasn't right and I was sure it had something to do with Shawn's red pills. I knew I shouldn't have taken them. I had thrown out everything I'd learned in drug and alcohol prevention. Do not take any pills you don't know from anybody. I was just too scared of passing out in front of Irene. Now, I was freaking out in front of her.

"Can we order now? I know what I want. Do you know what you want? That's a stupid question. Obviously you know what you want, that's why you're on a date with me."

"Excuse me?" she looked at me, puzzled.

"You want me, duhh. No need to be embarrassed," I continued when she started to blush. "That's how you know your tastes are excellent. I mean look at me, I'm hot."

"Joseph, I think there's something wrong with you."

"No," I denied. "The only thing wrong is how boring this place is. Why don't we invite those girls over there to come eat with us?"

"No, it's..."

I was already up on my feet before she could finish. "Ladies," I shout. In the confined space, I sounded like an elephant screaming. "Ladies, why don't you come join us. Dinner's on me."

They turned to look at me then they quickly scrambled around before slipping out of the restaurant.

"Hey, come on," I called after them. "I'm offering you free food."

I heard Irene and the old woman talking behind me.

"...wrong with him. I'll take care of it."

I grinned at her but her scowl stayed in place.

"You're ready to order now?"

"I'm ready to leave. I can't believe you. You're acting exactly like the jerk I met that first night. The one you swore you wasn't."

She furiously wiped a tear rolling down her cheeks. My heart constricted in my ribcage. I was doing that to her. I was hurting her.

"Come on baby, I'm not a jerk. I'm just happy. If it's a sin to be happy then I want to burn in hell. Ever since I've taken those energy pills from Shawn, all I want to do is everything. I want to dance, to run, to sing, and shout from the roof tops. I want everybody to be as happy as I am."

I opened my arms wide, "Come give daddy a hug."

Her face fell, "Did you say you took pills from Shawn as in Shawn Wright?"

"Yeah, he's my roommate. I have to thank him when I see him again. The guy knows what's up. I've never been happier in my entire life. We should hit the club because I want to move my body."

Then soft flesh came into contact with my face. I help onto a chair to maintain my balance.

"Those are not energy pills, you idiot," she hissed under her breath. "Those are ecstasy pills. He gave some out to my roommate at the last party we went."

"Wow." I knew she was saying something really important but all I wanted to do was run in a cloud of rainbow.

She took my arm, "let's get you inside before the cops find you like this."
"What happened to the food?" I pouted as she dragged me out.

"I'll make you food once we're inside."

I knew the date was a disaster. Everything I wanted to come off as were now out of my reach.

Danm you, Shawn. I'll kill you.

I wanted to get angry, or sad, or anything else that wasn't happy. My heart was bleeding out at my missed opportunity to make this angel fall in love with me but my brain was telling me that I was ecstatic. It was making me feel like there was nothing but peace and love in this world.

Danm you Shawn. I'll murder you right in your sleep.