If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.

– Paulo Coelho

As I sit across Robin, I'm genuinely clueless as to how to form a coherent sentence. I feel mortified, uneasy and upset to even speak to him after what I did a couple months back. I was insolent, irrational and downright stupid with my behaviour towards him, reaching a conclusion over circumstantial factors without giving him a chance to explain himself and deserting him without a second thought. I honestly have no idea how to mend the gap that I have created between us over a silly misunderstanding that was a result of my insecurities and my pessimistic outlook of relationships which has resulted from the past – and failed – relationships I have had. I know it wouldn't have escalated into a mess, had I at least once given him a chance to explain himself or had given him the benefit of doubt. I don't know why would I had to ruin something beautiful that took me years to find. I guess it's because I'm really dumb!

"I agree, you're dumb," Robin says, his voice a little shaky as it seems he is trying his best to stiffle his laughter. Yeah, only this was left now. "But you know what? That made me fall all more in love with you."

"Why do you love me?" I ask, not really playing along with his humour. I know he is doing this to lessen the awkwardness and tension that has transpired between us since the night I walked out on him. But I don't think he gets the kind of restlessness I've been feeling ever since he told me why he had agreed to meet Ninette alone after telling me he won't. It has been eating me up inside...to know that Robin has been nothing but faithful to me and the only reason he chose to hide the truth about that random – and mostly misconstrued by me – meeting with Ninette was because it wasn't his truth to share. It was Ninette's secret that he had chosen to keep to himself because he himself wasn't sure what to make of the thing that his ex-girlfriend had asked of him.

Ninette had requested Robin to write an adoption reference letter for her, which she and her husband – about whom I had no idea – needed urgently for the adoption process that they've been stuck at for past several months. The reason she chose Robin over her other acquaintances and friends is because Robin has known her the longest, they've known each other since elementary school and even her husband is a friend of Robin's from military who enlisted for a couple of years. It makes perfect sense why would they want Robin to write a reference letter, he has known them both in a personal capacity and is also someone who himself holds some credibility as a former decorated army officer.

However, for some reason, Robin himself wasn't sure initially if he wanted to accept this request. I mean I understand now what he felt at that time – no, it's not his residual feelings for her, it simply was the fact that this was the same woman who he had once dreamt to marry and have a family with...it seemed strange to him that even now she somewhat needed him to have a her family complete. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to play the part. And that's why he chose not to confide in me until he hadn't made up his mind.

I really cannot explain the perturbation I felt when I heard Ninette's voice on the call that night. For some reason, it felt like my greatest nightmare has come alive, that it was the moment I knew I was about to lose the one man who has been nothing but accepting to me. The paranoia of losing one person who has accepted me with all my fears, insecurities, anxieties and baggage – it was gut-wrenching, it was hollowing me out. It was horror for me, the horror I didn't want to face again. I honestly have no idea the amount of terrifying thoughts I had floating around in my mind when I heard Robin agree to go along with her. I felt completely let down and abandoned by the man I've come to love more than I had ever known I could love anyone. For me, the thought of sharing him even for a short while with a woman who once had the same importance in his life as I do now...it was a nightmare that I do not want to live again. I have lived through that paranoia once, I do not want to again. So, I chose to walk out on Robin that night when his words refused to provide me any kind of comfort and assurance that I was desperately looking for. I understand he had his own reasons, but the guilt and the despair I've been dealing with, I really cannot decipher a way to explain it to the one person I no longer can imagine my life without.

"Why do you love me?" Robin counter questions me. His face all serious now, like he hasn't been joking a minute ago. "Do we really have do this?"

"Yes." I answer, trying my best to not cry. To say the truth, I've missed him like crazy in last two months when we were apart. The moment I saw him enter the café, all I wanted to do was to run to him and lose myself in his embrace like the habit he has become for me. But I couldn't give into my urge because the time that we've spent apart, made me introspect the things I had chosen to ignore while I was with him.

My insecurities and anxieties. I have been carrying them along with me for as long as I can think. Being the first-born child of my parents, I had often felt neglected and less loved as a child because my parents couldn't always give me the attention and affection that I craved for. Not that they didn't love me, but between a mess of a wailing child and an older child who can do just fine on her own, parents tend to divert their entire attention on the former. It is not their fault and I do not blame my parents because I know they love me. However, I cannot deny that my insecurities began to sprout at that very age and it worsened as I grew up.

I was always this nerd in school, the one who would rather be in the background than take the centre stage, out of her own wish or the lack thereof. I was an introvert with an asocial personality, I didn't know how to make friends and hold on to them. So, when I finally had a friend, I was afraid to lose her. I was possessive, cranky, demanding, clingy, jealous, mad...I was toxic. For her. For myself.

Have you ever felt like that no matter what, you'll never be good enough for people to make you their priority? Like you have to constantly please people in your life for them to stay with you, to keep them from leaving because you believe they won't otherwise. Like you are always the second best, and not the first choice for even one person. Like the person that you are is never enough for anyone to love you.
That's how I felt. Every single day. Every single minute.
Until I met Robin.

For the first time in my life, there was a person who didn't expect me to beg him to stay – he chose me. He didn't ask me anything or kept any conditions, he stayed. And he loved me the way I'd always wanted to be loved. He loved me without even uttering those three words that when spoken by my ex were nothing but hollow, Robin's silence held much more meaning. His actions spoke louder than what those three words would've meant. And that's why I couldn't keep myself from falling for him. Deeply and quietly.
For the first time I had someone to wipe my tears and clean my spilled coffee – isn't that more than what one can ask for?

Perhaps, that is why I feared losing him more than I have ever before. For me, Ninette wasn't just an ex, she was someone who threatened the perfect harmony I'd finally managed to achieve in my life because I knew Robin harboured some feelings for her until a while prior to meeting me. The what ifs began to weigh more than the bliss with every run-in I had with her. The sleepless nights I have spent beside Robin, even when he made love to me, I couldn't find my peace. And it wasn't his fault.

It was my fault. It is my fault. And I cannot deal with it. I cannot cope with the guilt I have been feeling for hurting him, for deserting him when I promised I wouldn't, when I promised we wouldn't go down the same path like our past relationships. This was the promise on which we began our relationship that morning after we made love first. And I broke it.

I genuinely feel it is best if we part ways because I know for one that my insecurities would constantly barge into our relationship and I'd be helpless. So, it's best if I say goodbye.

"To say the truth, I do not know why I love you. Even if I try to list down the factors that could explain why I feel what I feel for you, I don't think I'd be successful because not everything we feel, can be encapsulated in words. But what I can do say is that I have never felt this kind of longing and love for anyone else before. It's like my life has never been this complete, it has never been this endearing and whole. Your presence makes me feel whole as a person, like I have never been broken before and I love you because it makes me love the person that I am which I have never been able to do. I love you and I really do not know what would I do without you."

Robin looks at me, his eyes mirroring what his words are trying to convey – his devotion to me, to our relationship. It tears me up when I see a tear roll down his cheek, as he tries to hold back his tears in this crowded Bohemian café where we first met. How can I break up with this man and say goodbye when he just confessed what he truly feels about me and our relationship?

"I know you walked out on me that night because I failed to assure you about our status as a committed couple, but...it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. The fear that I felt at that moment...is something I have never felt ever in any of my past relationships...I...I felt like it was the last time I was seeing you and the parting memory I left you with was of betrayal and abandonment. I don't know if I have ever told this but the first time I approached you in this café was because...I saw myself in you and I could understand what you were going through. I've been in that place and I know what it feels like to never be good enough for anyone, no matter how hard you try...that's why I chose to stay with you and cared for you at first. But that's not why I fell in love with you...I fell in love with you when I realised that I needed you more than you needed me to feel alive, to feel loved and accepted. Before I met you...I was just existing like anybody else, but now I'm really living and I love you for making me feel alive for the first time in my life. I know you have insecurities, I know you have anxieties, and things might not always go our way, and we might make mistakes, too...but we'll be together in all of that...we'll brave through every shit as long as we're together. So...please don't leave me for whatever reason you've chosen to say goodbye to us. You have given me more than what I could've ever asked for, it's beyond what I ever dreamed. And I don't want to let you go like this. I love you, Miss Clare Laurent, and I don't ever want you to walk out of my life over something that we can handle together. Please stay for me, for us. I love you."

And he breaks down.

I break down.

All the months that we've been together, Robin has never been this open about his feelings for me. Yes, he did say 'I-Love-You's, but less often than he asked me what do I want to eat or what do I want to watch. He was silent for most part and I was okay with it, too. But on some days, I wanted more than just his endearing hugs and his tender kisses – I wanted his words, to make me feel needed, to make me feel accepted in his small world. And that's why I couldn't stay that night...that's why I failed to face my demons. I know not everything has to be said in words, but this is what I had been waiting for all this time – that I'm not a burden for him, that he chose to me for what I make him feel...that I'm good enough.
I know we say this all the time that we should love ourselves, but sometimes, complete acceptance is what we all crave for instead of love. And his confession today is more than what I could've asked for.

"I love you, Robin. Today and forever."

And I stay. With him. With us.
Today and Forever.
Because what I had with him, I never could find it before I met him – I found myself and I found love that makes me love the person that I am.