Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right.

– Taylor Swift, 'State of Grace'

If someone asks me now do I regret what happened some months back...I'd say no. No, I do not regret a thing that unfolded between Clare and I because if the result of it is to watch this beautiful woman snore softly with her tousled hair falling over her face almost every single morning, then I think I made the right choice. The choice, I know I won't be regretting in this and the next lifetime to follow.

I'm not sure if I shared this with Clare or if I ever will...the day I met her, she left me both mesmerized and terrorised. Mesmerized because she is a woman, who although thinks has no charms, is in fact, full of a charm that can disarm even the strong wills of men – her charm is her honesty. I'll be honest, I hadn't have met many women who were as honest as Clare is. She does not try to hide her flaws, her shortcomings like a scar that has to stay buried deep under the layers of concealment, rather she wears them like a war medal and would fight anyone who'd point fingers at her weakness. She is not scared of her weaknesses, she makes them her strength. Isn't that enough to be enchanted by her...and terrified? Terrified because you know her honest nature would make you face your shortcomings one day, that you may not be able to escape even if you tried. It is something to feel terrorised by because not of all of us have the strength to face things we've been running away from.

I for that matter, had been running away from the consequences of the choice I made two years back. Although, I was well aware of the fact that leaving military is an irreversible choice I'd have to live with, I couldn't help but wished I hadn't given up like that. I mean I dedicated nearly fifteen years of my lives and the entirety of my youth to it, I could've stayed some more years because despite all the hardships, it was still a better life than the one I'm living now or at least I believed. It's true I get paid handsomely, but the cut-throat competition is quite different from the brotherhood I cherished in military. And it's a struggle to go around in a business suit almost every day! It somehow made me believe the camouflage uniform was the best and only true calling in life.

But I was wrong. Completely wrong.

Because it was me, who had pushed myself to assume that instead of trying to settle into the life I chose. Confusing, isn't it? Let me put it this way – I was so obsessed with my previous calling in life that when I made the move to corporate, I just couldn't make myself to adjust here. Instead, I focussed on the positives aspects of my life in military which I quit because its negative aspects outweighed the positives in my case, and focussed on only the negative aspects of my corporate job whose positive aspects outweigh its negative aspects, again in my case. So, since I only focussed on the positive of military and negative of corporate and compared the two, in my head, I started to believe that I made the wrong choice by quitting military, although the work that I chose to do now is only different in its setting, rest everything is similar to what I have already enough experience at sans physical combat and guns. That's why, I was the main reason why I couldn't settle into my civilian life. And Clare made me realise this.

No, I'm not saying she looked me in the eye and ordered to me to clear my head. No. She didn't do anything like that...she doesn't even know she is the reason why I have adjusted well into my job when I couldn't do it for two years. It wasn't even some conversation that happened between us, no, in fact, it was just one simple thing that she said randomly that caused me to think clearly about my position in life and my attitude towards my job.

"You know my job's extremely exhausting on some days that I feel like I could've chosen something else, something less tiring that would've given me some time to spare for things that I love like visiting new cafés, reading books, travelling...you know the things in my bucket list...but then I think, if I really chose a different, less tiring profession, would I have been as happy as I am now? I mean yes, I get totally drained of my energy on days, but this is something I have chosen to do, and if I only focus on the negative aspects of the job while ignoring all the things that make me happy, I wouldn't be doing it a justice, won't I, right?"

It's simple, isn't it? I'm happy where I am right now than where I was earlier, and I chose this life because my previous job didn't allow me the stability I always needed in my life. Yes, it comes with its own set of responsibilities and stress, I'm in a much better space both emotionally and mentally. And yes, I think I've finally found the person who will stay.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell Clare this, but the point in life where I met her, I honestly had given my hopes up on both relationships and women. The women with whom I had shared a part of my life prior to her, had either left me either emotionally exhausted or had pushed me to a stage where I could no longer commit myself to stay. I was tired of being subjected to fake tears which were used to hide their brutal lies, and their tears filled with excuses to cover up mistakes. It was a stage where I could no longer imagine myself having a shot at achieving the one thing I had always wanted for myself – a family of my own. I mean yes, one doesn't necessarily have to be married or in an exclusive relationship to feel complete. No, I do not suggest and support that. But what I do believe and have learned with my age is that you do long for a companion, someone who you can talk to at the end of your day, with whom you can share your life and make a home. I agree marriage or a relationship doesn't essentially guarantee any of the abovementioned scenarios, but I cannot state that you can have it any other way because the alternatives have only bleak chances at success.

The alternatives?
Friends. Yes, I have a close-knit circle of friends who I meet every couple weeks. But nearly all of them have their own families and girlfriends to go back home to, they cannot stay by my side all the time and I find it difficult at times to open up to them or even be part of the discussions which often linger on topics of families and would-be families.

Pets. Yes, I have a pet, a 2-year-old Rottweiler. He loves me, waits for me every day to come home from work and truly takes away all my stress. But sometimes, I want more than just warm hugs and happy smiles. I agree, yes, he has been my support system and only family here, but there are days when I need words to feel reassured and Toby cannot talk in my language, neither I understand his. He is my child...but I longed for a partner, too.
And that's why I could not stop myself from falling for Clare, even when I had promised myself I would not cross the line with this woman who has become an inseparable part of my life in a matter few months.

I know it sounds cliché but maybe, falling for Clare is the one thing I've done right and the leap of faith we took that night, perhaps, the bravest.

"Good morning, baby," Clare wishes me in a sing-song manner, with a smile that can beat the sun in brightness and liveliness in this cold morning.

"Did you sleep well last night?" I ask, pecking her forehead.

"I always do...when I sleep next to you," she grins cheerfully, snuggling closer to me. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly and drop a few more kisses on her forehead, cheeks and nose. "You know this what I love the most about our relationship, I can always snuggle with you and you never object either."

"Because you're warm." I whisper quietly against her hair that still smell of her strawberry shampoo. Her warmth...I mean it both figuratively and literally. No matter what time of the day it is, she's always warm. Even if we're wearing the same number of warm layers, her body is still warmer than mine. Is it because I'm older? Maybe. Maybe, it's because she has a sweet and welcoming personality, too, that makes you feel like home irrespective of whether you've known her only for a few hours or several years. I think I would've been jealous of her boyfriend if we weren't a couple because it would've hurt to see this ball of sunshine sharing her warmth with someone else...why do I sound like a teenager? I should act my age! I'm 37, for God's sake!

"What do you want for breakfast?" I ask, getting out of the bed. It's already seven in morning, we shouldn't be lazying around more than we already have, otherwise, we'll both be late for work. "You can take bath till I cook our food."

"Sure. I think pancakes will be fine," Clare answers and starts for the bathroom. However, halting on her steps, she instead walks towards me and says softly, "I'm glad we didn't end things after that night...I don't know what would I do without you. I love you."

"I love you, too." I answer, stroking her burgundy hair. She's recently dyed her hair to burgundy from brown and every time she asks me whether she looked prettier with her natural hair colour or the new one, I honestly cannot decide because to me, she is the prettiest woman and that is a fact no one can't deny. I think her exes were really dumb to leave a charismatic woman like Clare, but then again, if they haven't, I wouldn't have found her. Neither, would my life has been as peaceful as it now...or not.

"Why do you have to meet your ex? It's not like you two were friends after breakup, in fact, from what you told me, she was the B-word to you. Then why do you have to meet Ninette?" Clare questions, her voice a little stern than it usually is. I'll be honest, she has always come across as this soft-spoken woman to me – and everyone else – that I almost always forget that she is a fiery lawyer in training and can be quite brutally straight-forward at times when she isn't trying to impress or please.

"What you're saying is true, but what's the harm in meeting her? She's just an ex, nothing more." I try to explain to her, which I don't think is of any use. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Clare has some sort of an issue with my exes which I can understand only to an extent. In fact, I know that her insecurities stem from her failed relationships which continue to haunt her and have manifested themselves in the form of emotional baggage she cannot do away with. I get the kind of impact her past relationships have on her, but we won't going down that path, will we? I hope we don't, but I do not know how to deal with Clare's insecurities which sometimes makes me doubt myself, too.

I admit I did have some residual for Ninette (admitting which to Clare was a mistake, I should've been more thoughtful), she was my first love and we had a pretty long relationship. Despite our breakup, I cannot completely hate her or alienate myself from her because at the end of the day, we're part of the same social circle and I happen to come across her every once in a while. However, none of this means that my relationship with Clare is second to my friendship with Ninette, because we both have moved on in our lives and I love Clare, I'm happy with her.

"If she's an ex, then you shouldn't be meeting her one-on-one! It's beyond me that you still want to remain friends with an ex who chose to breakup up with you just because the circumstances weren't favourable to her. And anyway, you meet her in your group dinners, why does she have to meet you one-on-one?" She doesn't really seem in a mood to ponder on this subject. So, it's best if I leave it here. I do not want to ruin her day first thing in morning since she anyway will have a hard day at work thanks to the financial dispute case her senior partner is working on.

"I agree with you, okay? Let's not fight over it," I try to calm her down. I understand the kind of restlessness my meeting my ex creates for Clare, I've been in that phase, too, when I was her age and I completely get the distress it brings along. Honestly, I really don't want indulge in anything that can potentially disrupt the harmony in our present relationship. So, I guess it's best if I turn down Ninette's request to meet. At this point of life, Clare is on the top of my priority list along with Toby, so I rather get in the block list of an ex than ensue a fight with Clare when I know it has the potential to trigger off her insecurities and anxiety. She's still recovering from her trauma that she faced last year, this is the least I can do for her.

"Should I drop you to work, baby?" I ask her with my difficult attempts at acting cute. I can't act cute, but Clare and Toby both cheer up whenever I do that, so what's the harm...except it's just embarrassing at my age.

"No, I'll take my car," she says. Did I tell you all how extra beautiful Clare looks in her winter formal? She has this soft spot for long skirt and turtlenecks, which is had to resist in morning. Dude, snap out of it!

"You still mad?"

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"I know you are mad at me, just say it."

"I—"

I french kiss her – this is our rule to end a fight which also according to our rule book cannot last longer than an hour since that would mean wasting our precious time together. And it works, as she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me back with equal fierceness that she fights with...I think we should stop or else....

"I love you," she breathes against my face. We just finished our making out session and no surprises, we're late for work.

"I love you, too."

***

The day at work goes as it usually does – hectic, tiring and endless. Sometimes, I wonder if the hefty pay check means working your ass off till your reduced to skin and bone. On days like today when my landline and smartphone refuses to stay silent for even a minute and the crowd in my office is constant, I genuinely feel happy when it's time to go home where my girlfriend and pet wait for me.

While on my way home, I make a quick stop at this patisserie that Clare frequents at to buy her favourite red velvet cupcakes and blueberry cheesecake. After a tiff, this is the best way to resolve a fight since Clare has a sweet tooth and cannot resist her favourite patisserie dishes. I kind of developed a liking for sugary food thanks to Clare continually ordering it. Well, I think I have changed a lot and for better since Clare became a part of my life. God, I love this woman like crazy for everything that she has changed in my otherwise dull life! And I sound like a teenager again.

Just as I begin to walk back to my car while telling Clare what I've just bought for, I hear someone call out my name. I turn back...and it's Ninette.

***

"You lied to me, didn't you when you said you won't meet her alone? Do you still expect me to trust you now? I heard every fucking thing!" Clare blasts, her eyes red with tears. She has heard Ninette approach me over the phone – not our entire conversation – and heard us agreeing to talk in a nearby café. I wish she would just let me explain my situation, but given her state, I don't reckon she would.

"Clare, it's not what you think."

"Then what it is?"

"I cannot tell you right now."

"Why?"

"I cannot."

"Then I don't know what I'm doing here," she cries, storming towards the door. I cannot let her go like this. I know it is my fault, but I don't want her to leave like this. We aren't meant to fight over trivial matters (though this for her isn't) with her walking out like this. No, we shouldn't.

"Clare, listen—"

"I need some time off, Robin. Let's talk later."

And she walks out, crying like the day we met for the second time. The only difference is – that day, I was the one who wiped her tears, and today, I am the reason who made her cry.