No one ever fell in love without being a little bit brave.

– Mario Tomasello

I'm not sure if I should be saying this, but have you ever felt like you were this...this close to dying? Not literal dying, dying in a metaphorical sense when you felt like you were falling into this endless, dark abyss of pain where you could see no sign of escape. You try and try to get out of there, to find an escape. But nothing seems to work, you just fall deeper and deeper into the abysmal pit of desolation, even when you yell for help and cry for hope. Nothing comes to your rescue and no one hears your voice, when you're in fact right beside them. Your voice cannot reach any of the people you believed would rescue you, would be your saviour. But it was all lies and no truth. You keep trying and struggling and howling, to survive, to live, to escape. Yet, all your attempts fail. You fail. Your will to stay alive fails.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, a ray of light touches you. It does nothing exceptional to save you, it doesn't extend a hand to pull you out of the darkest pit you've been living in all this while, it doesn't do any of the sort of thing which usually is done to free someone. Yet, it saves you. It saves you from everything that you've lost your battles to. Everything that has pushed you into that void, that chasm you've tried and failed to escape. The darkness that has been gnawing at you, devouring your soul, relishing your spirit while leaving you only with pessimism and hopelessness – this ray of light, this ray of hope...it saves you from everything you've been scarred by and frightened of. It liberates you from your most delinquent ghosts that anguished you, that tied you down. It emancipates your soul that has been chained down by your most terrorising demons. It saves you.

Robin saved me.

He is the ray of light which rescued me and liberated me of my darkest phase. He has saved me, in every way you could be saved. He is my hero, he is my saviour – someone, I had never expected to turn up in my life at a moment when I needed a saviour the most. And he stayed, each day and every minute I wanted him to stay and listened to me when I wanted to talk and wiped my tears when they wouldn't stop. He never said a word of discomfort, he never whined, he never complained. He just stayed beside me, with me, even when I was not my best self, even when I was a mess, even when we aren't in love.

I honestly do not know if I can put this into words but what Robin is for me is...is beyond a relationship, it's beyond love or at least the love that I have known all this long. We don't love each other, no. We are not even a couple. He is just some who I happened to meet one day, randomly in a café I frequent – a stranger, who I'd have known for only few hours, met just once...yet, he is my Angel, because he chose to stay with me when he could've chosen not to. I know I sound like some brazen young woman in love who cannot stop raving about her new lover – but I'm not brazen, neither is Robin Kim my boyfriend. It is just that I cannot express my gratitude in better words...words do not encapsulate what I feel for everything that Robin has done for me. He is my angel, my living guardian angel, sent from Heaven to help me, to save me, to heal me, and I'll always be grateful to him. For everything he has done and undone for me.

I still remember that day, six months ago when I ran into Robin for the second time. I was just about to leave the café when I saw him standing at the entrance. He seemed to be in some sort of trance since he didn't even notice me, although, I thought he hadn't recognised me. So, I didn't approach him either...and how would I? I was a crying mess...I was fragile. I didn't want him to see me like this if he remembered me, so I kept walking. But then he called me, the same way he approached me on our first meeting. I almost froze on my spot but I kept walking because like I said, I didn't want to meet this man, who was so nice to me in those few hours I spent with him, looking like a terrible mess. Yet, he was tenacious and this time he called out my name, so I had to stop and turn back.

I honestly still don't know what came over me when I saw a glimpse of concern spread over his face as we faced each other after months – I asked for his help. My pride, my fears, my insecurities, my dilemmas, my anxieties – everything vanished at that moment because for the first time in months there was hope in the form of the genuine worry that I saw in his eyes for me. He kept asking if I was okay, if I was fine...it felt nice for some reason and I said what I had been wanting to say...to at least one person, someone who could help me come out of the darkness that my life's circumstances have pushed me into - save me from drowning into the ocean of pain that has been haunting since the day of my father's death.

My father was diagnosed with fourth stage colon cancer some months before I first met Mr. Kim. However, I didn't come to know until the last couple months of his battle. It was difficult for me. Extremely heart-breaking because I have always been close to my father, in fact, he was my closest family member. I still cannot believe he has left us all alone and gone away to some place I can no longer see him. The day he passed away, at last losing his battle to cancer, I honestly didn't know how to react. I was numb, I could no longer feel anything. I only vaguely remember walking into the funeral home and watch my father lie lifelessly in the wooden casket as everyone around him mourned, cried and comforted each other. I have faint memory of my three younger siblings wailing and weeping as they tried to grasp the reality – we're all fatherless now. And my mother, who I have always known to be a strong woman all my life, broke down that day to never get up again. We are still the same – broken, grieving, and abandoned. Although, we've made our efforts to move on with our lives. Even it's a small effort.

And because we're all fighting the same monsters, I just couldn't ask my family for help – it would've increased their burden to deal with the agony of two. There wasn't even anyone else who could've helped me out, who I could've turned to.
Perhaps, this is why I'll always be indebted to Robin – a stranger, who chose to be my guardian angel, my nightingale.

"So, Clare, what do you want to eat today? Our usual lemon tart or coffee tart? The guy at the counter told me their coffee tart is pretty good, wanna try?" with a warm smile, Robin asks me. We're in the café...our café.

Since our second run-in, we've become a regular at this café. It started as a weekly affair, which turned to alternate days and now is a regular affair for us. We meet here every day after work, have our evening coffee together as we share about our day and then leave for home. I know it's just for an hour or so, but this is something that sometimes makes me want to wake up in morning and I keep looking forward to the moment I see Mr. Kim's familiar warm smile. It's strange isn't, to meet a stranger who becomes an integral part of your life in a matter of few months and a continuous supply of coffee.

"Sure, it sounds good," I nod and he goes to place our order. While he's at the counter, I cannot keep myself from admiring him. He is indeed handsome, I knew it the moment I saw him. But that is not the only part of his existence I adore, in fact, there is more to him than I can never know. For that matter, he still hasn't told me his reasons for quitting military. I'm mean he had spent more than a decade in that field, had quite a few achievements and it been a pretty stable job, too...so, why would he quit it? I really want to know but I cannot be intrusive, even out of curiosity because sharing it me or not that is something in his prerogative to decide. But, yeah, I'm curious to know since he doesn't even seem much happy in his executive job which by the way comes with a hefty paycheck. I guess a large paycheck doesn't always mean satisfaction. Although, somewhere I feel, Robin's personal demons could be a reason behind his decision to quit army more than the paycheck which anyway is not guaranteed to everyone.

As a matter of fact, I know Robin has his own conflicts to resolve. He never mentions that in front of me for obvious reasons, but I know he's struggling just as much as he was almost a year back. And that he is trying to cope with it, but hasn't seen much success which is why I tend to get worried whenever I see him hide his problems behind a sweet smile. Is it possible that he is in the same place I was in when I met him and he doesn't have anyone to share his burden with? Though, I wish he would ask me, I know better that he won't ever because one thing I've understood about Robin is that he never likes burdening others with his baggage. He carries it all by himself, even if he doesn't have the strength to.

"Err...I was wondering if you would like to come over tomorrow to my house for dinner? I kinda wanna cook you a proper meal." Robin asks as we walk towards the parking lot. It is time for us to go home. "Umm...its my birthday tomorrow."

"OH MY GOD! You should've told me sooner!" I exclaim. He should've told me earlier so that I could've planned something for him. Why didn't he? Wait, he's gonna turn 37 tomorrow. "You're gonna enter your late thirties."

"And that precisely, Clare, is something not to celebrate." he smiles softly, but somehow it seems despondent to me as if something's not right with him. Should I ask him...or should I not? "Will you be there tomorrow?"

"Yes. I'll reach around 8 if that works."

"Sure. See you tomorrow then."

And with this, we depart for our respective homes. It kind of seems strange to me that instead of spending his birthday with his close friends and family, he asked me to be his company. I mean I know he does have a family – a mother and a father, who live in the other part of the town and a younger brother who is stationed in New York. But that is all I know about his family which he did not tell me just because he wanted to, but because I saw his family picture in my maiden visit to his house that kind of made me embarrassed because my apartment is a pigsty. His house, like him, is tidy and organised which he credits his military life for as he was trained to be organised. But anyway, I'm again derailing – my point is, I cannot comprehend why does he want to share a day like his birthday with me and not people who have been in life way before I came to exist for him. And I can't even ask him because it's his choice who he wants to spend his birthday with...it's flattering to me, too. No, don't fall for him.
You cannot, Clare.

Okay, I accept, I kinda have a crush on him. Who wouldn't? I mean he has been by my side for last several months and honestly, no one can come close to his god-tier chivalry and manners. He is just perfect and this is why I cannot risk to fall for him. He is, in all honesty, out of my leagues. And I honestly believe he thinks of me as a little sister or friend, and not as a prospective romantic pursuit. Although, there had been moments when I could see a little tension between us, I still should not give it much thought. It's best if I don't excite myself with stupid romantic fantasies because what we have is pure and contending. I'm happy with what I've got...and he is, too. At least, I think.

***

After a sleepless night and a backbreaking day at work, I reach Robin's home at fifteen minutes past eight. I know, I know I should've been on time but you see when you're a junior associate at a big law firm, you're basically working round the clock scavenging for information and preparing documents, basically your day to day grind isn't what you experience as a summer intern or associate. It is a real job, which comes with countless responsibilities, work load and a lucrative cheque. So, I shouldn't whine. Anyway, I managed to leave work at seven and went straight to the nearest gift store to buy a present for Robin; I can't go without a gift. I bought this really elegant ink pen which I think he'll like and since I couldn't find anything else. Next, I picked up the fresh fruit cake I had placed an order for the night before. And after fighting for my way through the apocalyptic traffic, I reached his house.

"I'm sorry, I'm late." That is the first thing my stupid ass says instead of wishing him or even greeting him. "Happy Birthday."

"Haha, thank you, Miss Lauren for making it to here tonight," he smiles and leads me inside. He's dressed like usual, a well ironed white shirt and a pair of grey trouser pants...he is handsome and quite manly. And I'm like usual – somewhere between a woman in a strapped white summer dress and an ape who hasn't checked the mirror in ages.

Anyway, like I told you all, his house is clean as usual and everything is neatly organised – even the dinner table which is covered with a variety of food: mushroom ravioli, tomato spaghetti, roasted chicken and a bottle of red wine. And we have tiramisu for dessert.
Perfect!

"I'm not much of a cook, so I hope you like what I've prepared today," he says, a little modestly as we take our seats. "I didn't get much time to make something more."

"More? Mr. Kim, this is a full 4 course meal you've cooked for me. I'm honestly touched." I say, as I take my first bite of my meal. "OMG! It's heavenly! Its fucking savoury!"

"That's a high praise for me," he says, his ears red with embarrassment. "I'm not that good a cook."

"Liar. I love everything you've cooked for me so far. I wish we were a couple then I would get to—"
Why am I such a fool? "I mean...I mean—"

"It's okay. Happens."

The rest of the dinner goes in silence thanks to my unfiltered mouth. I shouldn't have said that but you know good food can make you a little reckless with your words. But I kind of feel hurt, too, since it seems like he doesn't appreciate the idea of us being a couple. But the tension between us contradicts this assumption...um, at least the tension I feel between the two of us. That's why the silence is all more awkward for us. Nonetheless, it's his birthday, I shouldn't embarrass him and myself more than I already have. And there is no tension between us.
Zero tension.

"I should get going now. Thank you for the lovely dinner," I say as the silence begins to become unnerving for me. We haven't spoken a word in last half an hour or so, though, he said he likes my present. I think it's best if I leave before things get worse between us. "See you later."

"Umm...Clare, can you stay for a little longer...I kinda wanna talk about something," he whisper, his voice heavier than before. I think I did notice when I arrived that he seems a little upset today for some reason, although, I refrained myself from asking because I don't want to invade his private space.

"Talk about what? Are you okay?" I ask, dropping my bag and coat on the sofa. "Is there something wrong? Are you not okay?"

"No, I'm not...exactly okay. Can you stay?"

"Yes. I will...but why today?"

"I feel like I haven't told you much about myself."

"Oh."

"I bet you've been curious all this while to know quite a bit more about me...it's been ages since I talked to someone about my conflicts."

"I'll stay." And I stay.

For the next five hours we stay seated in his living room with coffee mugs as Robin begins to tell me first about his past relationships and why he hasn't dated anyone in last three years. He tells me why he cannot bring himself to trust women for a relationship again – his trust has been broken once, hurt twice. I believe him because I have been through the same, though, a little less intense. I hardly say a word as Robin continues to talk. Honestly, this is the first time he has talked so much, otherwise, on most occasions it's me who has to keep the conversation going. It's nice to see Robin open up like this...athough, our physical proximity is a little uncomfortable for me. It's like not only is he depending on me emotionally, but physically, too. There's little to no gap between us and he has been playing with my hair and fingers. I don't know what we are anymore. We're not a couple, but right now, I can't even say we're just friends.

"You know why I don't like visiting my parents or having them visit me – arranged blind dates! I just don't get why are my parents so obsessed with my love life that they just cannot understand why I'm choosing to be single instead of going on date every fucking weekend like my stupid brother who's like six years younger to me and has no plans to settle down for at least for another five years. I mean I'm a man in my late thirties, I have had my shares of my dates and relationships and if now I'm choosing to be single, it's because I don't feel the need to settle down. But you know Asian parents, for them once you have a job, you gotta get married. Otherwise, who'll give them grandchildren to spoil. And then they have an issue with me for leaving military."

I kind of get where Robin is coming from – I have had my share of heartbreaks, too, and I've somewhat lost my faith in love and relationship too. Although, I still want to get married some day...maybe, soon.

"Why did you quit military?"

"I had to...I couldn't no longer deal with the stress. For most of my military career, I was an active soldier and was often deployed in conflicted zones...it is emotionally exhausting to see my comrades die like it's natural for us. We're humans, too, and not all of us get used to seeing deaths and fatal injuries, though, that's funny because I was a commissioned officer and reached the rank of a Major before I said adios. When I joined army, I knew it was my calling in life...but sometimes, I felt like I could've been somewhere else, somewhere peaceful where we still had some moral conscience. And then the work ethics or the lack of it don't always make your time worthwhile. Yes, I have several great memories of my time in military, but I also have several nightmares, too, where I felt only one thing – suffocated and exhausted. So, I left for a better life – civilian life. Although, now that I think I was better in army...at least, I had a cool uniform to wear and more camaraderie unlike corporates where literally everyone's coming for your throat."

And he keeps talking – he next tells me about his former comrade who died on the line of duty; it was distressing for Robin to attend his funeral...it was the same day we met for the second time. He tells me of the many more funerals that he has had attended and of all those time he had to personally meet and inform the families of slain soldiers about their deaths. Although, I have never been in his shoes, I still get a gist of how difficult that time must've been for him as the sombre look on his face gives away his real feelings. It's a little disconcerting for me because this is the man who has been my support system for last few months...it's hard to believe he can have this amount of pain hidden beneath his reassuring appearance. I guess this is what you call maturity – it doesn't come with age, it comes with the understanding that your baggage is for you and not for others to carry even when you're tired and defeated.

It's at almost four in morning when he finally finishes telling me about his last few days in army with his troops – "and you know Kyle, that kid, he cried like a big baby on my last day of duty. I honestly had no idea what would become of him once I leave military, but he made me proud. I wish he hadn't died so soon."

"I'm sure he knew just how much he made your proud even if he's not here," I say, slowly rubbing his arm. His same arm is wrapped around my waist as we sit with no distance between us. I don't know how and why, but right now is the first time I've felt completely intimate with Robin, emotionally and physically. I have never even felt this close to Peter, who I dated for three whole years. There was always this strange kind of wall between us which never allowed me to see the transparency in our relationship. But, here, with Robin, I can see the vulnerability and ruins of his past which he has finally disclosed to me. I can see through his façade, his appearance of a gentle and kind soul who in fact has been through shit, yet refusing to allow it to lead his life. He has learned from his pain and grown into a better person, and I think I'll be doing the same.

However, at the same time, I cannot deny my attraction towards especially now when we're so close to each other. In fact, the strong fragrance of his cologne and the pungency of wine mixed with the sourness of coffee in his breath, is tempting for me as I can feel his breath on my neck, tickling me. And his hand on my waist isn't helping much either, since it's only raising the temperature for me and for him. And I think he isn't oblivious to it either.

I brace myself to look up at him, his gaze has been transfixed on me for last few minutes...burning through my walls of self-control. I don't know what it is in his eyes, but I find myself drowning in his black orbs that seem seductive and mesmerising at the same time. There is something in them, that's captivating my attention, making it difficult for me to tear away my gaze from him. I fail, miserably. I know for one where this would lead, I've had my experience with men. This is why I do not want this to lead where it would if I get swayed by my temptations and his irresistible charms. It would mean staking what I have with him for something transient, even if it's what we both could have an urge for. I don't know if I'm willing to take this risk. But it's too late for me to think it through because at this moment, my brain freezes as I feel Robin's lips crash on mine.

His lips are warm and a little rough as he begins to caress mine with a tenderness that I have never felt in any of my previous kisses, it fills me with exhilaration. He lets his left hand find a small of my back as he pulls my face closer with his other hand. I feel his lips moving over mine since I haven't yet come out of my initial shock. He doesn't seem in the mood of giving up and I'm happy he doesn't for I begin to respond to his kiss. It's been months since I felt a man's hungry lips on mine, softly yet so demanding. He leads me first, covering every inch of my lips as quickly as he can, as if he wouldn't, this moment may not last. I let him do what he wants to, my hands roving over his sculpted chest before moving to his neck for I want him to be closer to me. I no longer want to hold myself back from him, so does he...even if we're risking our everything for this ephemeral ecstasy.

I feel the tip of his tongue approaching me for his cold hands keep roaming over my body, caressing every inch of skin that comes in their way. Perhaps, it's because of the chills of his icy hands on my bare skin that makes me gasp or is it my own desperation for him that makes me allow his tongue to explore my mouth. I honestly cannot tell who's leading who anymore as our tongues move and twist together in a serpentine motion; we can no longer hold ourselves back from claiming each other. Our lips continue to move together in a pace we've set together to gradually get rid of the last of our inhibitions, fears, anxieties and insecurties over what we're heading towards. I find my hands massaging his scalp as his hands refuse to leave my neck and my waist for he keeps pulling me closer and closer. The sweetness of my cherry lipstick and the piquancy of his wild lips combine together to cause the havoc that's making us unleash our raw urges into this moment that I know won't be ending any time soon, even when we're out of breath.

I find myself gazing into his dark eyes, but what I find in his eyes for me is not just lust like my exes – it's longing and affection and the hesitation to take that one step which will change our dynamics forever. It makes me fizzy, I no longer care what becomes of us after this night because if I stop here, the damage will be worse. So, I brave myself to take that one step the consequences of which I no longer give a fuck about.
I initiate our second round of making out, and it turns everything around us blurry and hazy and lost in this hour.

I have no recollection of the sequence of events after we began kissing – I don't remember if he pulled the zipper of my dress down first or was it the straps when he left a trail of wet kisses on my nape or how did we end up on his bed. The only thing that I remember is the passion with which he yearned for me. No man has ever desired me the way he does, so strong and so enticing and so full of tenderness. I genuinely cannot decipher what's going to happen when we're back to our senses in morning or what's going to become of us because all I can care for now is how delicate and serene, he is beside me as I stroke his disheveled hair, like a child who has no worries in this world, like a man who has found someone he can lean on. If this is the result of the risk I've taken, then maybe I've made the right choice because loving a man who loves me with no expectations is, perhaps, the best feeling in this world, even if it's meant to last only for a transient moment, even if it ends in a few hours.

He pulls me closer by my waist towards his warm body as exhaustion engulfs us both. I put my head on his outstretched arm, his fingers circling my bare back. As sleep slowly approaches us, he quickly drops a kiss on my forehead and my eyes, and claims my lips once again before we fall deep into slumber.

It was an unforgettable night for however it ends tomorrow.