I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.

–  Friedrich Nietzsche

It is still only 7 pm and I already feel drowsy in this crowded diner that Noah has asked me to meet him at. I reached before our schedule as I didn't want to be late, but now that I am here, I cannot but regret it. I shouldn't have arrived here before him because all I can think of now are the reasons and events that led up to this meeting. It makes me teary to even think about the things that have unfolded between us in the past few weeks – it isn't how we were meant to be or at least how we've always wished to be.

I know I shouldn't cry now, not when I'm surrounded by a crowd of strangers. But I cannot help myself, the good times I shared with Noah have all come rushing back to me. It stings my heart to think about all the time we had together, it was magical. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine us being on this crossroad that we're on today – Noah cheated on me, emotionally.

It has been a few years since we both graduated from college and landed decent paying jobs in our hometown. It was like a dream come true – to live in the same city after six years of long-distance relationship. And it indeed was, to meet each other every day after work, the quiet walks we would go on at nights. It just felt right and good. But I guess, it wasn't supposed to last.

I don't know when it began, but I guess it was last year when Noah had started working on a new project with a former classmate, Tessa. It didn't actually mean much initially – that I completely trust Noah with – but it was perhaps those long working hours that he spent with Tessa, when he began to get swayed. I don't know where we went wrong or what I didn't do right, but the first time I doubted Noah, I tried to deny the truth. All those times when he would reply to her texts instead of paying attention to what I had to say – it hurt, but I tried to slide it because he would always say it was work-related and couldn't be delayed. So, I believed him. I had to, after all, he had never lied to me before. However, this didn't stay the same because after a while, he stopped explaining the reason for texting her over talking to me – he was physically with me, but mentally with her. I know it sounds like I was overthinking and I tried hard not to doubt his feelings for me, but it was incredibly difficult to have faith in him when I felt his attitude towards me change. It isn't that he wanted to, but I just felt a difference in our interactions, it wasn't as comfortable as before. We were drifting apart.

When I first talked to Noah about this, he denied. He gave me reasons that made sense – they were project partners for a large-scale project, they had to work closely to avoid any chance of mistake which would cost them their jobs and careers. And as for the difference in his attitude, it was probably the workload and pressure from his superiors – he wasn't purposely being aloof. I believed him, again, because it made perfect sense. Guess, I was overthinking...maybe not.

It would've been fine if the calls and texts had stayed within the acceptable (and understandable) working hours, however, when it invaded our private time, I knew something wasn't right. Who the hell texts a colleague something personal at 2 in morning? And the worse part, Noah would reply to her texts or at least check them the minute he was notified. I still didn't want to believe he was getting swayed because he had tried to make up for the time he couldn't spend with me because of his work. He was still the same guy I knew all my life and fell for. It was unquestionable to not trust him and his words. And I still trust him. Yet, what broke my trust were the text conversations of Noah with Tessa that no longer seemed limited to work – it was almost flirtatious; almost because it was more one-sided but Noah didn't seem to have a problem with it. In fact, a few times he had replied to her flirty texts rather playfully than he would have otherwise. When I brought this to his notice, we had a fight over the fact that I was prying into a private conversation he had with a friend – friend, not a colleague. It wouldn't have lasted longer than a day if what followed it hadn't happened.

It kind of made me feel guilty for doubting his faithfulness to me and our relationship after the fight we had. I wondered if I was reading too much between the lines due to my insecurities. A part of me was still not ready to accept that Noah could fall for someone else. I mean we were after all childhood playmates and then sweethearts. I knew him and his heart well, it was absurd for me to even think that he could cheat on me. And maybe, just maybe, it was honestly just all in my head. I desperately wanted to believe that, just for once so I could have a calm conversation with Noah.

The next day, I went to his house with a bouquet of lilies, his favourite flowers, and a box of cookies I had spent the entire evening baking. I had made up my mind to put an end to all the problems between us by talking it out. I had come to believe that perhaps it was the lack of communication that had caused the differences between us. I couldn't even sleep the night as I kept tossing and turning, thinking and thinking again of the conversation we were supposed to have the next morning. I really hoped for it to go smoothly because I genuinely love Noah, and losing him was something I couldn't afford...until I saw what I wish I didn't have.

I arrived at his doorstop sharp at 9 am, the time he usually is ready to leave for work. Since I had the spare keys to his apartment, I thought to use it instead of ringing the doorbell, you know to not ruin the element of surprise. So, I turned my keys around and the pushed opened the door as quietly as I could manage. However, the sight before me completely broke my heart. There was Noah, holding Tessa closely, so close that their lips would touch if either of them moved a bit. Her hands were wrapped around his shoulders, her eyes focussed on his face. Both were in a rather dishevelled state, and suddenly a storm of the horrifying nightmares wrecked my mind. Did they sleep together? Did Noah really cheat on me? Was I right about their relationship? Was I the other women all this while? Are they already together? Am I no longer the one he loved? Have I lost him already? Am I not good enough? Is this how we end? Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me? WHY US?

It felt like I was being choked – I just couldn't breathe. The flower bouquet and the cookie box fell down on the floor and that brought Noah and Tessa's attention to me. I didn't know what to say or do. I just stood there, my eyes brimming with tears. I had hundred of questions yet nothing to ask him. As soon as he saw me, he let go of Tessa and started moving toward me. His eyes had turned moist, and I could see the horror of what had transpired here in them. He came for my hand, but before he could hold mine, I backed away and ran out of there.

I don't even remember now for how long had I cried after that morning, I'd lost complete track of time. Noah had tried talking to me – calling, texting, emailing, banging my door...anything that could've forced a response out of me but he failed. I didn't want him to succeed in getting a yes of me to hear him out. I just didn't want to hear him out – lies or truth, whatever he had to plead his innocence – I was in pain, and I wanted nothing but only myself to cope with it. For about three weeks, we had absolutely no contact, although, Noah kept trying to get me to talking, none of his attempts worked. I don't even know now if I'm ready to talk to him. I feel shaky, all of a sudden, as I realised that I might have to revisit the sight of that day – the close proximity, that moment Noah and Tessa had shared with each other. I don't feel I have the strength in me to even think about it, it breaks my heart a little more each time that scene flashes in front of my eyes. No matter what, I just can't get it out of my head. It hurts, it feels like my heart's been stabbed a million times when I recall the way Noah had held Tessa and almost kissed her. It was my place, that space wasn't meant to be shared with anyone else. But he had, intentionally or unintentionally – he has betrayed me and my love. And now, I don't know what to do.

"You're here already! I was about to call you," says Noah, as he comes to stand near me. He's carrying my favourite flowers, forget-me-nots, and a box of white chocolates. He forwards his gifts to me, I take them. I honestly wouldn't have accepted anything from him if it wasn't for the fact that there are people around us who all are waiting with bated eyes for me to accept my (ex) boyfriend's presents.

"Thanks...I didn't expect you to get me these now...that you have a new girlfriend."

I actually never wanted to sound bitter, but I just cannot help myself. The moment I saw Noah, the memories of that morning flooded my mind, making me angry on him and myself. Why can't I erase those memories off my head?

"Claire, Tessa's not my girlfriend...she never was, she never will. I don't love her."

I do notice the pain in his eyes as he speaks. His face no longer shines the way it did earlier.

"Then why was she there with you that morning, at your house?"

"I'll explain everything to you, just calmly listen to me once...for all the good time we shared."

I know I shouldn't been irate now, I should give him at least a chance to explain himself. This is the least I can do to respect the good memories we have together.

"Fine."

"I accept – I did get swayed by Tessa." Noah sighs. He no longer is looking at me, his head hung low. The love that I still have for him, makes it hard for me to stay composed. I want to cry, scream, yell my ache out. I knew all along that he was being swayed, but now that he, himself is accepting it, it agonises my broken my heart to such extent that I wish to not feel anymore. I want to benumb my feelings, but the ache refuses to die.

"I accept – all those times when I chose her over you, I was getting swayed and maybe I knew that, too. But I didn't do anything because I never intended to act on it. I believed it to be a playful friendship because my feelings for you never wavered. Although, I do accept that it did have an impact on my attitude and behaviour towards you, which you noticed, too, and that must've disappointed you as well. But I swear to God, Claire, I never even once thought it would ruin our relationship. And after the fight we had that day, it actually dawned on me how wrong I was and I had spent the time reflecting on my behaviours – I was at fault even when I believed it was all harmless and wouldn't affect our relationship. I was reckless to have acted the way I did and I'm genuinely ashamed of myself. And I swear, I even confronted Tessa over this. That's why she was at my house, except I didn't expect her to turn up all drunk. I swear to God I never slept with her, I've never even kissed her. What you saw might've seemed like something it wasn't, but it really wasn't anything. I've cut all my personal ties with her, in fact, once the project is completed, I end our professional contact as well. I would never meet her again. I'll do whatever you'll ask me to do. I've been going crazy for past three weeks – I don't want to lose you! I love you, a lot! Please forgive me, just once. I promise I will never hurt you again. It was all my mistake and I accept it. Please take me back, please."

He is crying, and I'm crying with him. It is an unbearable sight for me to watch him weep like a baby, he genuinely seems to repent what he has done to our relationship. I wish desperately that I could undo everything that has led to us to this state, but it's just a wishful thinking. What's been done cannot be undone now.

"Do you think it is that easy to forget everything? Do you even know the hell I was in for all those months when you were busy having a playful friendship with Tessa? Just how brutally it used to pierce me every time you chose her over me. It was heart-breaking and what makes it worse now is that you knew you shouldn't have acted like that but you still did. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for all the suffering you've put me through."

I love him and I cannot even deny it. But I hate loving him because every time I think of him, I associate him with Tessa and what I had seen that day. I don't know if it makes sense – what causes the deepest wound is not the fact that my partner has cheated on me, but the fact that he had admitted after I had seen him with her, so intimate that it makes me feel robbed and betrayed each and every second of the day. How can I forgive him when I still see that image in my head every single day?

"I'll take whatever punishment you want to give me, but please don't end our relationship, Claire. Please. I love you."

"If you really love me, then why did you wreck our relationship?"

He doesn't say anything – he doesn't have an answer for my question. I don't expect an answer either. I feel exhausted by the emotional and mental stress that I have been dealing with; he is, too. I can no longer stay here with him, I won't be able to breathe.

I leave him, again. With silence. This is my punishment to him.