BEFORE I DIE, I PRAY TO BE BORN

               The real world skins them alive.

It's a hazard of growing up in rural Suffolk... or possibly, it's a hazard of growing up. Either way, the Dorian Andrade and Isaiah Matalon who run into each other at a party in Oxford have become equally disenchanted imitations of the boys who used to spend summers eating stolen apples on the riverbank.

Dorian has retreated so far into his shell that the existence of life outside his routine is mythos. Call him a solipsist, but what proof is there, really, that anything outside his mind is real? He has no object permenance. Maybe he just has no friends. If the building lights on fire, he'll stay in his room for fear of social interaction.

Isaiah, on the other hand, has strayed so far out he doesn't know where the rest of him is. He placed his sense of self in his kitchen's miscellaneous drawer for safe-keeping, except when he goes back for it, it's nowhere to be found. Well, what can you do? If Dorian is a solipsist, Isaiah is an intentionally misconstrued simplification of epicureanism donned to avoid thinking.

This is all to say: it didn't go according to plan.

They had a plan, had it since they were kids. They'd study hard, be the best in their year to ensure admission to study composition and literature at Oxford respectively, and the moment they dotted the final full-stop of their last A-level, they'd "get out". They'd leave Halsett for good and never look back.

Six years later, neither has stepped foot into their childhood town and both are about to finish their master's at Oxford. The only difference is, they've done so separately. Maybe that's the reason — or maybe it's because the concept is naïve — but running away turned out not to solve a single problem, and now, they don't even have each other to make life an easier pill to swallow.

It'll take a miracle for them to ever speak again. Dorian, because he's always felt his brain disconnected from his mouth and six years of isolation have hardly aided the condition. Isaiah, because he'll sooner cut his tongue out than spare Dorian a word.

The apples they used to share rot in the ground two hundred kilometres away.

DEDICATED TO MY QUEER COUNTRY FOLK

COR CORDIUM, HEART OF HEARTS, I NEVER SAID ANYTHING TRUER IN MY LIFE

André Aciman, 'Call Me By Your Name'

YOU DON'T HAVE A HOME UNTIL YOU LEAVE IT AND THEN, WHEN YOU HAVE LEFT IT, YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK

James Baldwin, 'Giovanni's Room'

BUT A CHANCE TONE OF COLOUR IN A ROOM OR A MORNING SKY, A PARTICULAR PERFUME THAT YOU HAD ONCE LOVED AND THAT BRINGS STRANGE MEMORIES WITH IT, A LINE FROM A FORGOTTEN POEM THAT YOU HAD COME ACROSS AGAIN, A CADENCE FROM A PIECE OF MUSIC THAT YOU HAD CEASED TO PLAY — I TELL YOU, DORIAN, THAT IT IS ON THINGS LIKE THESE THAT OUR LIVES DEPEND

Oscar Wilde, 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'

SOUNDTRACK
[spotify link in bio]

               SIDE A: 1996-timeline

01. NIGHT SHIFT, lucy dacus
02. THE NIGHT WE MET, lord huron
03. THE GREATEST BASTARD, damien rice
04. LOVE IS A LASERQUEST, arctic monkeys
05. IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW, céline dion
06. FACE, brockhampton
07. I WANT YOU, mitski
08. IVY, frank ocean
09. MAKE OUT IN MY CAR, sufjan stevens
10. LIKE REAL PEOPLE DO, hozier

               SIDE B: 1990-timeline

01. GOOD OLD-FASHIONED LOVER BOY, queen
02. FAST CAR, tracy chapman
03. K, cigarettes after sex
04. GEORGIA, kevin abstract
05. CASIMIR PULASKI DAY, sufjan stevens
06. BLACKBIRD, nina simone
07. VIENNA, billy joel
08. AUGUST, taylor swift
09. GO YOUR OWN WAY, fleetwood mac
10. GONE, GONE/THANK YOU, tyler, the creator

CONTENT WARNINGS: abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, financial), ableism, addiction and withdrawal, antisemitism, classism, (mentions of) conversion therapy, chronic pain and fatigue, depression and other mental health issues, homophobia, racism, religious trauma, self-destructive thoughts and behaviours, sexual assault and child sexual assault, violence.

There will also be explicit sexual content.

Owning to the aforementioned, this story is rated mature.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello! Thank you for giving this story a chance <3 I've had the best time writing it and do hope you enjoy!

I will be leaving translations/explanations for terms I think people might not understand in the inline comments. If there is anything you don't understand that isn't explained, you're welcome to ask!

Per usual, feel free to comment your thoughts whether positive or negative, and please do point out typos because my ADHD brain can't handle proofreading (unless said typo is in dialogue where, chances are, it's not a mistake but just a dialect feature). Also, I am not English nor do I live in England so apologies for any mistakes.

This book is on StoryGraph if you want to track your reading or leave a review.

Written 28 Feb 2022 – 23 Jan 2023
151 413 words

All rights reserved. Any unauthorised use of this material is prohibited under copyright law. Any use of this work to train generative artificial intelligence (AI) technologies is expressly prohibited.