MUSIC IN. The front door opens. ADAM MAITLAND - a sweet, flannel-clad dweeb enters. He can't see Beetlejuice.

ADAM

Barbara?! I'm home!

BEETLEJUICE

Adam and Barbara Maitland. I should warn ya-- They are incredibly boring.

ADAM
(calling off, excited)

I got the last bottle of Manchurian Tung Oil!

BEETLEJUICE

See?

ADAM

And I found an old penny!

BEETLEJUICE

I am so sorry you have to watch this. I promise they'll be useful. Soon as they're dead.

(Adam pulls a dropcloth off an ANTIQUE CRIB he's been restoring.)

ADAM
(to crib, re: the oil)

Hey old girl, I brought you a present.

BEETLEJUICE

I gotta take a dump.

(He heads off. Adam sets to work with the oil and sings--)

ADAM

LOOK AT THIS CRIB
WITH ALL OF ITS GLORIOUS ANTIQUERY
EVERY CURVE AND SURFACE SPEAKS TO ME
SAYIN' "PAMPER AND SPOIL ME!
SAND ME AND OIL ME!
COME ON!"

I KNOW TO THE UNTRAINED EVE IT'S BORING
BUT NOTHING'S A CHORE WHEN YOU'RE RESTORING
APART FROM FRUSTRATION, PAIN,
AND FINANCIAL DRAIN - IT'S FUN!

FOLKS SAY "ADAM. . .
WHY DO YOU POLISH A CRIB
WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A KID -
AND EVEN IF YOU DID HAVE A KID
THIS CRIB IS TOO PRECIOUS FOR PLACING A BABY INSIDE IT
SO IT SIMPLY EXISTS TO REMIND YOU
YOUR SENSE OF PERFECTION IS JUST A REFLECTION
THAT YOU ARE NOT MENTALLY PREPARED TO MAKE ROOM FOR A KID -
ADAM. . .
WHY DON'T YOU LIVE, ADAM?
JUST MAKE A START!"
WELL I SAY SOMETIME'S ART'S JUST ART

(to the crib)

The O'Briens are gonna love you!

(calling to the kitchen)

Hey Hon! What's for lunch?

BARBARA (O.S.)
(calling back)

Salad!

(Lights up on the KITCHEN as BARBARA MAITLAND - a sweet, young-mother type with a feisty streak - entering from the backyard with an apron full of dirt-caked carrots.)

BARBARA (cont'd)
(to the carrots)

Hear that? You get to be salad.
LOOK AT THESE CARROTS!
AREN'T THEY SO ORANGE, CUTE AND CUDDLY?
I GET THE SENSE THEY REALLY LOVE ME
AND I LOVE YOU TOO
AND I DO!
OK, TIME FOR YOUR BATH!

(She dumps them in the sink. Then takes them out one by one and CHOPS them.)

BARBARA (cont'd)

DAILY I WEEDED, FED AND WATERED YOU
STOOD IN THE RAIN AND TALKED TO YOU
IT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A WASTE
TO GRATE YOUR FACE OR CHOP YOUR BODY IN HALF

FOLKS SAY "BARBARA. . .
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOUR GARDEN'S A SUBCONSCIOUS
MANIFESTATION OF SOME PLACE THAT'S SAFE
WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE
IN CASE YOU GET HURT COS THE TRAUMA OF LOSING THE BABY MEANS
MAYBE YOU'RE DAMAGED
AND GARDENING GIVES YOU THE FEELING OF LOVE WITHOUT
RISKING THE PAIN OF A MISCARRIAGE. . .
BARBARA. . .
JUST TAKE A RISK, BARBARA
JUST MAKE A START. . ."

BARBARA (cont'd)

ISN'T THAT CRAZY?
CARROTS AREN'T BABIES!

(Barbara laughs awkwardly at herself. Then makes her way to the living room and Adam--)

ADAM

SO HERE I GO

BARBARA

DUCKS IN A ROW

ADAM

LET'S START THE SHOW

ADAM AND BARBARA

I GUESS YOU'RE AS READY AS YOU'LL EVER GET

BARBARA

OH BARBARA, JUST BEGIN

ADAM

ADAM STOP OVER-THINKING EVERYTHING

BARBARA

THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND

ADAM

DON'T DIP YOUR TOE!

BARBARA

JUMP IN

ADAM

GET WET!

ADAM AND BARBARA

I'M WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP -

ADAM

READY SET!

BARBARA

READY SET!

ADAM

NOT YET

BARBARA

NOT YET

ADAM

NOT NOW

BARBARA

NOT NOW

ADAM

THERE'S A DOCUMENTARY STARTING ON THE AGRICULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE OF THE PLOW
AND I'M LIKE "WOW! I REALLY NEED TO SEE THAT!"

(Adam steps on an old, creaky floorboard.)

ADAM (cont'd)

<CREAK!>
WOAH
<CREAK!>
NO!
<GROAN!>

ADAM (Cont'd)

Ugh. I'll fix that tomorrow.

(Barbara crosses to him and takes his hands.)

BARBARA

Adam. What if we. . . try again?

ADAM

I want to. . . It's just. . .
SOON, BARBARA, SOON
I WANT A FAMILY TOO
JUST GOTTA MAKE SOME EMOTIONAL ROOM
BEFORE I CAN OPEN MY HEART AGAIN

BARBARA

LET'S GET THE TIMING RIGHT
WE'RE IN THE TUNNEL BUT WE SEE THE LIGHT

ADAM AND BARBARA

'TIL THE DAY ARRIVES OUR BABY CRYS
INSIDE ITS BASEMENT
LET'S DEAL WITH THE

BARBARA

CRACKS IN THE PLASTER

ADAM

THE WI-FI SHOULD BE FASTER

BARBARA

THIS SOFA NEEDS A CASTOR

ADAM

THE BATHROOM'S A DISASTER

BARBARA

WHAT ABOUT GLOBAL POVERTY?

ADAM

WHAT ABOUT WORLD PEACE?

BARBARA

THEN THERE'S THE WHOLE DARN ECONOMY

ADAM

THE WHOLE MIDDLE-EAST

BARBARA

WE SHOULD LEARN MANDARIN!

ADAM

YEAH, OH
SPANISH AT LEAST!

ADAM AND BARBARA

NO HABLA ESPAÑOL
DOS CERVEZA POR FAVOR
THAT'S ALL WE GOT
AND THAT'S NOT A LOT
LIFE WON'T BE PERFECT BUT WE'LL GIVE IT A SHOT!

ADAM

HEY ARE WE BEING CRAZY? LET'S JUST HAVE A BABY!

BARBARA

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST START WITH A PET?

ADAM

Yes!

ADAM AND BARBARA

LET'S GO SLOW, NO BREAKING A SWEAT
WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING CHILDREN
IF WE'RE DROWNING IN DEBT?

BARBARA

YEAH WE'RE TOTALLY

ADAM

COMPLETELY

BARBARA

MAYBE EIGHTY PERCENT

(They kiss. They're adorable.)

ADAM AND BARBARA

READY TO TAKE. . .
THE NEXT STEP

ADAM AND BARBARA (cont'd)

THE NEXT STEP
THE NEXT STEP
THE NEXT STEP
READY, SET. LET'S. . .

(And with their very next step, the floorboard CREAKS hellaciously. . . and gives way. The Maitland fall screaming through the floor. Out of sight. A LOUD, FATAL-SOUNDING CRASH.)

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Written 04/09/2020
Words: 888