FLUSH! A toilet flushes. Beetlejuice runs out of the bathroom, pulling his pants up. To the audience:

BEETLEJUICE

Awww! Did I miss it!? I really wanted to watch them die. Cool hole.

("Thrusts" towards it, then)

Now, I just gotta keep those boring bore-dos in the house. Which means, we gotta toss the rule book.

(The WHISTLE of a cartoon bomb falling. Beetlejuice looks up.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Here she comes. Right on time.

(He takes a big step to the left. And BLAM! A HUGE HEAVY BOOK falls from the sky-- and IMPACTS right where he was just standing.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

The rule book. I present: The Handbook for the Recently Deceased.

(picks up the book)

Every dead person gets one. Free, like a Gideon Bible. Also: Useless. Like a Gideon Bible. Religion joke!

(He opens it. Reads--)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)
(pretentious narrator)

"Chapter One: Proceed Directly to the Netherworld."

(Then, sinister)

Now where's the fun it that?

(He snaps his fingers. A BLAZE instantly kindles in the fireplace.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Hey, we got any kids in the audience? Puppet show!

(making book talk)

Mistah Beebleboose?

(Answering)

Yes, book?

(book voice)

Where do books go when dey die?

(answering)

Well, book, I don't know. Let's find out.

(He throws the book into the fire. It SCREAMS, horribly and hilariously.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)
(to audience)

Sometimes puppet shows are sad.

ADAM (O.S.)

Barbara? Are you okay?

BEETLEJUICE

Oh shit!

(He LEAPS behind the sofa. Hides. Adam peeks out of the hole, looks around.)

ADAM

Holy smokes! That was some fall.

(Adam climbs out, helps Barbara up.)

BARBARA

I guess the floor gave out?

ADAM

I didn't think it was THAT weak-- Are you alright, hon?

BARBARA

I think so.

(They embrace.)

ADAM
Oh my god, you're freezing.

BARBARA (cont'd)
You're like ice!

BARBARA (cont'd)

I'll make a. . .

(Barbara notices there's already a fire. Roaring. Weird.)

BARBARA (cont'd)

I don't remember making a fire. . . Adam?

(Adam's staring into the hole. AGOG at what he sees.)

ADAM

Uh. Barbara? Hon?

BARBARA
(feeling the "heat")

So strange. It's not. . . hot--

ADAM

Whu are our bodies still in the basement?

(She turns back to Adam.)

BARBARA

What did you say?

(Her FINGERS ARE ON FIRE. He grabs her, BLOWS THEM OUT.)

BARBARA (cont'd)

Adam?! What is happening?

ADAM

I DON'T KNOW!

(Beetlejuice POPS out from behind the couch and hits a very "casual" pose.)

BEETLEJUICE

I know. Hi.

(Beat. The Maitlands SCREAM. Then Beetlejuice "SCREAMS.")

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Why are we screaming!?

(then)

Oh. It's cause of me, isn't it?

(MUSIC IN.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

HEY FOLKS 'SCUSE THE INTRUSION
LET ME CLEAR UP THE CONFUSION
I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM, HOUSTON
YOU'RE DEAD
SURPRISE!
WELCOME TO 'THE DEAD THING'

I DON'T WANNA SAY YOU'RE UPTIGHT AND BORING
BUT THERE'S A LITTLE FACT THAT WE CAN'T KEEP IGNORING
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY? YOU GUYS WERE KILLED BY FLOORING??
HELLO, MIDDLE CLASS.
WELCOME TO THE 'DEAD THING'

DEATH CAN HAVE ITS UPS AND DOWNS
ETERNITY FEELS LIKE FOREVER
IT'S SO CUTE YOU DIED TOGETHER!
COME WITH ME, I'LL SHOW YOU 'ROUND
GREAT RESTAURANTS TO TRY HERE
DUTY FREE TO BUY HERE
MISOGYNISTIC GUYS HERE
IT'S BASICALLY DUBAI HERE!

(Two zombie cheerleaders enter.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Ready?

ZOMBIE CHEERLEADERS

Ok!

BEETLEJUICE
HI!
I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE
I'LL YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO THE
OTHER SIDE

ZOMBIE CHEERLEADERS (cont'd)
HI!
HE'LL BE YOUR GUIDE
HE'LL BE YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO
THE OTHER SIDE

ADAM

Netherworld?

BEETLEJUICE

Did I say "Netherworld"? Never mind!
I'M B TO THE DOUBLE E-G-F-E-X
Oh Jesus, I can't spell. Shit!
HI!
I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE
I'LL BE YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO THE OTHER SIDE
Show me your penis!

ADAM

No!

BEETLEJUICE

Ah, worth a try. . .
I'M B TO THE DOUBLE E-T-L-E
TO THE J-U-I-C-E!
YES!

(LIGHTS SHIFT. Beetlejuice rips away his suit to reveal MC Hammer pants. He dances.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE
DIED IN YOUR OWN HOUSE
THAT GIVES YOU CLOUT
THAT MEANS THAT BOTH OF YOU SHOULD STICK AROUND
LUCKY FOR YOU I DROPPED BY
YEAH, YOU SEEM LIKE NICE GUYS
A LITTLE ON THE "VEGAN BAKE THEN MASTURBATE AND CRY" SIDE

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)
AS FOR ME I'VE BEEN SCARIN'
FOR MILLENNIA

ZOMBIE CHEERLEADERS
FLUSH FLUSH

I'M THE BIO-EXORCIST GIVIN'
HOUSES ENEMAS

FLUSH FLUSH

FLUSH OUT THE BREATHERS--
YOU CAN BREATHE EASIER

FLUSH OUT THE BREATHERS--
YOU CAN BREATHE EASIER

STICK WITH ME! I'M LIKE A
GHOST ZOMBIE JESUS!

GHOST ZOMBIE JESUS!

BEETLEJUICE
AND YEAH I DO IT FOR THE LOVE
OF IT!

ENSEMBLE
DO IT

MONEY? AH, WHO GIVES A SHIT

MONEY?

I THINK WE'RE A PERFECT FIT

I THINK WE'RE A PERFECT FIT

COME ON! LET'S MAKE OUT A
BIT!

YEAH! WORK!

(He tries to kiss them. They push him off. He continues, undaunted--)

BEETLEJUICE

DON'T THINK WHAT YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND
(SPRING VACATION, FRIENDS AND FAMILY,
FEELING ANY REAL EMOTION)
THINK OF WHAT YOU'RE YET TO FIND:
(NO MORE MEETINGS! NO MORE DEADLINES!
NO MORE USING SUN-TAN LOTION!)
IT'S THE PERFECT DAY TO DIE
'CAUSE THIS GUY HAPPENED TO BE PASSING BY
TO GIVE YOU CONTROL OF YOUR SOUL
THROUGH THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING

(MUSIC OUT. After the applause--)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Babs!

(He dips her and gives her a BIG SQUEAKY KISS. Then he throws an arm around Adam.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Boy, do you know how to pick 'em! Lemme ask you something-- Is this relationship solid? Do I have a chance with her at all?

ADAM

Excuse me!

BEETLEJUICE

Hey, if I overstep my bounds just "tap out," hit me with the safe word-

ADAM

WHO ARE YOU!?

BEETLEJUICE
(hokey melodrama)

Adam. . . you don't. . . recognize me? I'm. . . your father.

ADAM

(after a confused beat)

Dad?

(He squeezes Adam's cheeks.)

BEETLEJUICE

So gullible! LOVE this guy.

(to Barbara)

Love you too, you hot stack of nilla wafers. Who wants puddin'!?

BARBARA

Ew. No offense, mister, but you give me the creeps.

BEETLEJUICE

Aww! Thank you! You give me. . . a boner!

(He extracts a human LEG BONE from his pants, and hands it to Barbara. Who drops it: uck!)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

That's a femur. Now we don't have a lotta time. You gotta hire ME. right now.

ADAM

Hire you? For what?

BEETLEJUICE

To teach you to scare!

B

ARBARA

Scare who?

BEETLEJUICE
(COME ON DOWN!)

The people who BOOOOUGHT YOOOOOUR HOOOOOOUSE!

(The front door SLAMS open. MOVERS enter with furniture. The Movers can't see them.)

BARBARA

What? But how? We just died.

BEETLEJUICE

Time moves different when you're dead. But BOY does it move. Yeah, I figure you two've been dead for--

(He pulls up his sleeve to reveal a full arm of watches. He looks at them, taps one.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

--a couple months. Maybe longer. None of these watches work.

(The Movers pick up Adam's antique CRIB.)

ADAM

(to movers)

Hey! Stop that! Now!

(The Movers do not react.)

BEETLEJUICE
(imitating Adam)

Yeah! Knock it off, ya' big bullies. Hit the bricks. Skedaddle. Scram.

(suddently "David Attenborough")

--You see Adam, the living. . . ignore the dead. We are invisible. And breathers, those shits, never notice the strange and unusual. Unless you MAKE 'EM. And that's why I'm here.

ADAM

To help us?

BEETLEJUICE

I mean, for a price. Itty bitty price. More of a favor, really.

(Barbara pulls Adam aside.)

BARBARA

I don't know about this.

ADAM

We just got dead, and then this guy shows up?

BEETLEJUICE
(files his nails)

Go ahead. Talk amongst yourselves.

BARBARA

It just seems weird.

ADAM

He seems weird.

BARBARA

Everything seems weird. . .

BEETLEJUICE

Act like I'm not here. That's not rude at all. Just remember--

(As if on cue: SMASH. The movers drop the crib. Adam SCREAMS.)

MOVER #2

Whoops!

MOVER #1

Who cares? It's going to the dump anyway!

ADAM

No!

BEETLEJUICE

--without me, they're gonna do THAT. . . to EVERYTHING.

(Adam and Barbara exchange a frantic look. Barbara nods.)

ADAM

You're hired. Tell us what to do.

(MUSIC IN. Beetlejuice CACKLES triumphantly.)

BEETLEJUICE

GREAT CHOICE! YOU WON'T REGRET IT
YOU WANT YOUR HOUSE BACK? LET'S GO GET IT
ALL RISE, COURT'S IN SESSION
LET'S TEACH THOSE YUPPIE SCHMUCKS A LESSON
UNDER MY WATCHFUL EYE I'LL TEACH YOU GUYS TO TERRIFY 'EM
WE'LL SCORCH THE EARTH THEY'LL BEG FOR MERCY CURSES AND MURDER AND VIOLENCE!
STOMP THEIR HEADS, ATTACK THEM IN BED, THE WALLS WILL RUN
RED, WE'LL KILL THEM ALL DEAD AND THEN-

ADAM
Kill!?

BARBARA
Kill?

BEETLEJUICE

Too much? Well, the point is--
VICTORY'S WITHIN YOUR REACH
YOU'VE JUST BEEN WAITING FOR THE PERFECT TEACHER
BEING DEAD HAS ITS PERKS
LET'S GET RID OF THESE JERKS
WE'LL DO SOME IMPROV, YA KNOW, FEEL WHAT WORKS
FOR THE WHOLE. . . BEING DEAD THING!

ENSEMBLE

AH AH AH
AH AH AH
AH AH AH AH AH AH

(MUSIC OUT.)

BEETLEJUICE

Now get in the attic.

(He pushes them up the stairs into the attic as--)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Written 04/13/2020
Words: 1507