Most nights I get into bed and think about everything I've ever done incorrectly. That's usually when all of the thoughts come roaring in, it's a habit. I will lay my head on the pillow, crunch fetal position on my left side for about ten minutes. As soon as the thoughts get overwhelming, I will flip to my right side (still in fetal position). Reflection is a good thing, right? Is it a good thing when you are your own worst enemy? How about your own best friend? Or both? I don't fucking know but it's a struggle. It seems as if my my brain has a short circuit, where one signal is telling another signal that I am not creating enough thoughts and then that signal goes onto create insane amounts of thoughts to flood the absence that isn't even there - thus creating a cesspool of thoughts that squiggle and squirm in the cracks of my brain right before I go to sleep.

As it's turned habitual, I have learned how to deal with my bedtime anxiety. Doing the things that are supposed to help, telling myself everything will be okay, breathing. Reminding myself that everything is going to be okay just feels like such a façade but everyone says it. It's just something we say when we want to excuse the world for how it is and have one moment of relief but it never lasts for more than one second. Saying everything is going to be okay is incredibly lackluster and overall just poor advice. If you hold everything to the expectation that everything is going to be at least okay, you are going to be disappointed. Believe me, having the experience from saying this every night before I go to bed. I breathe just so I don't die, this vicious cycle leads me to do the bare minimum to achieve some peaceful sleep.