*

When Sehun gets out of the bathroom after showering, he spots a red rectangular box on top of his bed. Closing the door behind him, he goes over to check it out while putting on his clothes. Thin layers of tracing papers and white confettis are what he sees first after opening the present.

"Is this for me," he asks himself and looks around him, as if he has someone to reply to him. Shrugging, he just sits on the bed and puts the box on top of his lap.

Merry Christmas, Sehun. I'm sorry if this was kind of late. I didn't have the courage to give this to you personally. I felt embarrassed...

Sehun flips the card, searching for any name but he doesn't see one.

He already knows who sent it anyway.

I told you I was gonna give you a gift, right? If you feel burdened about it, then just pay me back thrice the price. LOL

"Tch," Sehun smiles, rummaging through the box and finding a pair of white sneakers. He takes them out and puts them on the floor so that he can wear them. He even goes to the mirror so that he can see how nice the shoes fit the size of his feet. "These shoes actually look good on me..."

He mutters a silent thanks at the back of his mind.

He doesn't wanna be late for his first class so he hastily shoves his stuff into his bag and wears it to his back. Good thing he had cooked breakfast. Kyungsoo doesn't have classes until ten today but he still goes to school early, meanwhile Luhan and Jongin have similar schedules as him for this day, so it is much likely that they're all going to the university together.

The moment he opens the door to his room, is also the exact moment the door of the room opposite to him opens.

He sees a pair of white shoes in front of him, exactly just like what he is wearing right now.

"Good morning," Jongin greets with an extra liveliness in his voice, and Sehun already hates it. But just a little. "Did you sleep well last night?"

Sehun rubs his not-even-itchy neck.

"Yeah, I guess."

Jongin hums, then he taps his foot purposely, "Did you like them?"

"Like... what?"

"Our couple shoes!"

"Oh, you mean these?"

"Yeah."

"No," Sehun mutters, rolling his eyes at Jongin following him downstairs. He spots Luhan sitting crossed-legged on the couch and Kyungsoo ready to leave.

"Morning!" Luhan waves at him while Kyungsoo only nods.

Sehun stares at their shoes. The two of them, Luhan and Kyungsoo, are also wearing the same 'couple' shoes that he has, and he can hear Jongin's obnoxious laughter in the background as Kyungsoo tells him that they're riding Chanyeol's car to school from now on.

"Bye Kyungsoo!" Jongin says before the three of them get off. Kyungsoo drives off, he still has to do groceries.

Ahead of him, Jongin sees Luhan and Sehun already heading to the entrance while they chat, so he walks faster to catch up.

And sneaks himself in between them.

"See you later!" Luhan is the first to go when they arrive at his department's building. He doesn't forget to peck Jongin on the cheek before he takes his leave. "Bye Sehun!"

Sehun does a tiny wave.

"You look disappointed," Jongin says, peeking at Sehun's face which is again, back to being a bitch-resting-face. He knows Sehun hates Mondays, same goes with everyone. "Didn't you like the shoes?" He shrugs. "Oh! Maybe you didn't like the style? Was it too plain?"

"I don't want them. I'm giving them back," Sehun states, and he fails to see the hurt look on Jongin's eyes. "How much have you bought the shoes for? I can pay you thrice the price just like what you said. Just don't give me something like this next time."

"Hey, I'm sorry if you didn't like the shoes. Fine. I'm taking them back if you want," Jongin follows him, Sehun suddenly goes on walking too fast, "Sehun, wait. Hey!"

"What," Sehun faces him and rubs his temples, "What do you want!?"

"Why are you suddenly getting annoyed?" Jongin asks, furrowing his eyebrows and grabbing Sehun's wrist. "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Sehun takes a deep breath.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you too!?" he copies him, yanking his hand away but Jongin won't let him go. "I'm gonna punch you in the face if you don't let my hand go, you son of a bitch."

Jongin lets go. "Fine! No need to curse at me like that." He rolls his eyes at him. "Jesus."

Sehun shakes his head and walks again, while Jongin just stays behind, watching his back.

"Sehun, let's have chicken after class!" Jongin yells, he knows Sehun heard him loud and clear.

Then he adds, "Just the two of us."

Sehun stops walking.

Jongin tiny smiles to himself and catches up, until they are walking side by side again while they throw childish punches to each other. They're both twenty four minutes late on their first class, though. But to hell with that.

*

"Hey, wake up."

"Hmm..."

"Sehun, wake up. We're leaving."

Feeling a gentle shake on his right shoulder, Sehun slowly opens his eyelids. He sees Kyungsoo's big eyes right in front of his face first.

"What... Where... where are we going," Sehun gets up from the couch he had managed to fell asleep on last night. He cracks his neck and stretches up a bit.

Right, he was watching a movie and the final thing he remembers was Moana's face on the screen before everything went black.

"We're going to the beach!" Luhan says, who is walking across the living room carrying bags. Following him is Jongin with the car keys in hand, the both of them are wearing padded coats and thick scarves.

"Good morning, dickhead," Jongin greets him teasingly, before he is heading outside the mansion with Luhan opening the trunk of Chanyeol's expensive car.

Sehun just rolls his eyes. Bastard.

"Here, wear this," Kyungsoo says, helping Sehun wear his own coat and scarf like a caring mother. Standing up, Sehun puts them on anyway while glancing at the wall clock.

"Kyungsoo, I still have no idea what's happening right now," Sehun mutters, and since he is taller, Kyungsoo has to make him bend his knees to be able to put the beanie on his head, "I just woke up at three am and you guys are telling me that we're leaving."

"This is what the three of us always do every year. We'd go to the beach to watch the sunrise," Kyungsoo smiles, "Let's welcome the new year together."

Sehun rubs his nape, "Should I really come with you, guys? I mean..." He looks outside the house, at Luhan and Jongin already getting inside the car. "I'm not even your b---"

"Don't you treat us like your family, too?" Kyungsoo asks hopefully, and Sehun feels something weird tickling his heart hearing that word, "We're living under one roof, so that means you're already one of us, right?"

"I-I guess so," Sehun just says, although family is such a big word for him. It's like, he doesn't deserve it yet. Those three have special relationships towards each other, meanwhile him, he's just an outsider.

"Hey! Kyungsoo! Sehun!" Jongin honks at them. Sehun really can't still believe they got to use one of Chanyeol's luxury cars for free. "What are you waiting for? Let's go!"

At the backseat of the car is where Sehun and Luhan are sitting. Jongin is the driver meanwhile Kyungsoo is beside him at the passenger's seat.

The ride to the beach is quiet, chilly, and peaceful. It's still 3:25 in the morning when Kyungsoo insists they should leave. They still have to find a nice spot to view the sunrise, and Kyungsoo still has to cook barbecue and prepare hot chocolate when they arrive.

No matter how Sehun tries to keep his eyes open, he just couldn't. He's not really a morning person in nature. His natural waking hours is in between 8 o'clock to ten o'clock, so waking up at dawn is a huge adjustment. He still wants to sleep on his comfy bed.

"Sehun, just sleep on my shoulder," Luhan whispers beside him, offering and patting his own shoulder. Sehun slowly turns his neck from the endless stretch of roads to look at the older's face. "I know you're still sleepy."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"But my head is heavy... It'll hurt after."

"It's okay."

While driving, Jongin's eyes drift slightly upwards to look at the rear-view mirror of the car. With a pair of earphones stuck in his ear, Luhan is looking outside the window admiring trees. Meanwhile Sehun, he is cuddled close to Luhan as his head rests on top his shoulder.

Kyungsoo traces where Jongin's eyes are directed at.

"Hey. Focus on driving."

Jongin quickly shifts to Kyungsoo. "Huh?"

Kyungsoo smirks, shaking his head and looking totally annoyed, "You son of a bitch."

"What," Jongin blurts out a nervous laugh, "what did I do?"

"I fucking know you, Kim Jongin," Kyungsoo mutters in a threatening voice, and Jongin can feel creeps running down his spine already, "Stop it while it's early."

"The hell are you talking about, seriously," Jongin says, gripping the stirring wheel with unnecessary strength. He feels stuffy for some reason. "Whatever you're thinking right now, you got it all wrong."

"Where did you go on Christmas Eve?"

What a sudden attack, Jongin mentally says, yet he abruptly recovers with a cheeky smile as he drives. Grinning at Kyungsoo who's just lifting an eyebrow at him, he reaches out to hold Kyungsoo's hand.

"Babe..."

"Don't you babe me."

"Honey..."

"Shut up."

"My one and only darling, Kyungsoo..."

Kyungsoo slaps Jongin's hand like a mosquito just bit him. "Stop it!"

"Hey! Why are you getting angry at just me, huh? Isn't that unfair?" Jongin raises his voice, complaining. He then puckers his lips and gestures at Luhan, "Look, look at him! Luhan's having the time of his life! So why is it just me, huh!?"

"Come here!" Kyungsoo grabs his hair and pulls it down harshly, "You bastard! I'll cut your dick off and feed it to the dogs!"

"I-I'm driving, can't you see?!" Jongin yells, blocking Kyungsoo's hand away with his right while using his left to control the wheel, "If we die like this, it's gonna be your fault!"

Kyungsoo lets him go.

Jongin hisses, rubbing his injured scalp. Kyungsoo crosses his arms over his chest and sulks backwards on his seat.

"Hey, are you really mad?" Jongin asks after few minutes of dead silence. "Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo looks at him.

Jongin averts his eyes after losing on their one minute staring feat.

"Is it true?" Kyungsoo asks him back with another question. "Tell me."

Jongin doesn't answer.

The smaller sighs tiredly and buries his face on his palms. He massages the bridge of his nose. "I knew it."

The beach is just a kilometer away and the skies are getting brighter, indicating that the sun is going to show up anytime soon.

"You know how much I love you, right?" Jongin seriously says, looking at his lover beside him as he finds his hand, squeezing it gently, "You know that, right?"

Kyungsoo studies Jongin's gaze intently. He can see on his trembling eyes that he's afraid, that he's uncertain. He knows Jongin is trying hard, and it hurts him for the most part.

"It's gonna be fine," Kyungsoo replies, giving Jongin a small reassuring smile, "Don't worry, Jongin. I'm here for you."

"I know," Jongin says, then he looks up at the mirror again, meeting Luhan's questioning eyes softly trained at him.

*

"Happy New Year!!!" Luhan yells into the sea while cupping his hands to his mouth.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Jongin screams beside him. "Whooo!"

"Happy New Year," Kyungsoo says, chuckling at his boyfriends.

Sehun snaps the first sunrise of the year using his camera. Kyungsoo might've packed it for him, he just saw it inside his bag with his stuff.

"Happy New Year, Sehun," Kyungsoo beside him greets.

"Happy New Year to you, too."

Breathtakingly beautiful is an understatement as Sehun looks down at his shot of the rising sun above the sparkling waters. It's kind of a mix of rose pink and warm orange sitting on the sky, and just by glancing back at the real thing alone, his heart and spirit feel already refreshed.

"So you like photography," Kyungsoo says over the hot chocolate and mochi for breakfast. He's sitting on the hood of the car with Sehun, watching Jongin and Luhan chase the small waves hitting the shore.

"No, I don't," Sehun answers. He brings the camera to his left eye after closing his right eye, aiming the lens at Jongin's smile. Snap. "Baekhyun liked it first."

"Yeah?"

"When we were still living together back in high school, you know those cream walls you guys had in your old house?" Sehun says, then he starts to animatedly drag his hands on the air, "Yeah, just like that one. In our shared apartment at the center of the living room," Kyungsoo listens well, and he notes how Sehun's eyes sparkle with interest, "On those cream walls were full of polaroid pictures Baekhyun took almost everyday."

"Wait, let me guess," Kyungsoo chuckles, hitting him on the arm, "They're all Chanyeol's dick pics."

"No. What the fuck," Sehun stares at him, his mood now ruined. "They're pictures of us together."

"Oh, I see," Kyungsoo shrugs.

"I'm sending this picture to him," Sehun says, furiously typing on his phone while sticking his tongue out in concentration. "Happy New Year, Baekhyun."

"Sehun."

"What."

When Kyungsoo doesn't say anything, Sehun looks up to meet his eyes. He finds Kyungsoo just staring at him with such depth he can't put a finger on.

"Hey. What is it?" Sehun asks again, raising a confused eyebrow.

Kyungsoo drums his fingers on his sides, "I just wanna know if you..."

"Hm?"

"I was just wondering---"

He suddenly feels Jongin's eyes boring holes into his skull from a distance. Looking at his boyfriend, Jongin flashes him his proud middle finger.

Shit, that fucker.

"Nothing," Kyungsoo brushes off with a laugh, reaching out to just mess his hair, "Nevermind that."

"Don't touch my hair, Mom."

Sehun shoves him away, but not really that far, just enough to still keep him close.

*

"Hey, give me some," Luhan says, following Sehun outside the cabin they chose to stay at. To his disappointment, the bowl Sehun is holding has the last piece of meat so he quickly takes it and eats it. "You should grill more for me. I'm still hungry."

"How about them?"

"They went somewhere."

"In this winter beach?"

"To the sauna nearby."

"Why didn't you join them?"

"How about you, then?"

Sehun shuts up after that. He just sighs and starts to grill again the third batch of pork belly. He has barely eaten anything, Jongin and Luhan almost ate 90 percent of the meat. He smells like sauce and smoke now.

"Here, let me help you." Luhan takes the tongs from his hand, and does the job to line the raw slices of meat on the grill. "We should save this big slice for you. You didn't get to eat much of the meat, right?"

"Hyung."

Luhan looks at him, "What?"

"Do you pity me?" Sehun asks, "Why are you suddenly being nice to me?"

"Me? Nice to you?" Luhan laughs sarcastically. "Hey, I'm nice to everyone!" He punches Sehun's arm lightly. "And I don't pity you, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't know, I just felt like you're just staying beside me for me not be alone," Sehun says, and he knows he just sounded petty but whatever,"You don't have to do that."

"But I thought you wanted to be friends with me?" Luhan asks.

"Yeah, but I'm just not used to this side of you," Sehun says, furrowing his eyebrows at him, "It's like, you want something in return."

Luhan puts aside the tongs and the bowl of meat. He smirks. "Well, what if I tell you I do really want something in return?" He steps closer to Sehun until their faces are inches apart, while Sehun just stands on his spot frozen like a rock. "What if I tell you right now, that I want you to look at me like how you look at Baekhyun?"

Sehun gulps.

"What if I tell you I want to have sex with you?" Luhan leans into his ear, "Would you do that for me?"

Sehun's eyes widen in surprise, taking a small step back.

Luhan's lips curve up.

And then he breaks into a fit of hearty laughter.

"Hahahahahahaha! It's really fun to tease you, oh my god!" He wipes the imaginary tears on the corners of his eyes while clutching his stomach as he laughs. "Shit! You should've seen the look on your face!"

"Do you think that's funny!?" Sehun lashes out of the blue, and then he suddenly grabs Luhan's small wrist and pushes him against the wall, "Do I look like a kid to you whom you can always tease around!?"

Startled, Luhan silences at that. Sehun takes the tongs and bowl, shoving them back to his chest.

"There, go grill your own food."

Sehun retreats into the cabin, leaving Luhan at the backyard in a baffled state. Deciding to follow the younger, Luhan finds him seated on the bench outside, just gazing into nothingness. He carefully sits beside him and tries again.

"Why are you being sensitive all of a sudden?" Luhan asks. "You don't usually act like that whenever I tease you. Something must be up." He squints his eyes at him. "What's the matter?"

Sehun wants to tell him every ounce of his feelings, yet he himself is doubtful of them. He doesn't even know where to start, he just knows that Luhan is not supposed to be in here, and him, he's supposed to be in somewhere else.

"I don't know anymore where else I belong," Sehun mutters in the quiet, and maybe Luhan has piqued interest hearing him say that, "I think I shouldn't be here in the first place."

That exact feeling, Luhan completely knows.

Sehun puts his hand on his chest and weakly pounds it. "This feels heavy for some reason." He smiles wistfully. "It's like I can't breathe. I feel burdened. I want to do what I want but I can't take risks. Why is this happening to me?" He turns to Luhan beside him, and seeing the male with his glassy eyes staring at him, as if he's sympathizing with him, makes his chest throb more. "Tell me, Luhan. Why do I feel like shit?"

"Don't wait for Baekhyun to quickly come home," Luhan says, and he knows that he's been harsh judging how Sehun appears broken by what he said. "Because even if he's already with you, you can't still change the fact that you still don't belong with him."

Sehun bites his bottom lip. "That's." He shouldn't cry. "Harsh."

"Should I tell you a secret?" Luhan says, smiling. "I'm a hoe."

Sehun throws him a look, "That's not a secret. Everybody knows that."

"But not everybody knows that I had real feelings for Baekhyun."

Sehun looks disturbed, "What the fuck." He looks like he's about to kill as he pulls his sleeves up. "That's bullshit."

"No, for real. I did have a huge crush on him! I even once thought of stealing him from Chanyeol---hey, will you please sit down for a second." He cackles and pulls Sehun back to sitting. "Don't you remember?"

"Remember what?"

"You asked me these questions before, right?" Luhan says, then he mimics what his memory serves him, "Did you ever love all the men you had slept with? Did you have romantic feelings for Baekhyun? Doesn't it bother you meddling in between Jongin and Kyungsoo's life?"

Sehun remembers.

"You looked at me with eyes pure of disgust when you told me that," Luhan says, "If you answer those questions, I'll be friends with you."

(*Behind Closed Doors Chapter 13: Hesitation)

Sehun admits he is indeed an asshole back then.

"Yes, I loved all the men I slept with. Yes, I had romantic feelings for Baekhyun. And yes," Luhan says, "It bothered me meddling in between Jongin and Kyungsoo's life." He smiles. "There. We're officially friends now."

"I... I'm sorry," Sehun whispers, fumbling with his own fingers. "I really don't know you actually felt that way..."

"Where do I belong? Should I stay with them? Should I really be here with Jongin and Kyungsoo? What would others think about us? How could we live like this? But this is wrong. But what else can I do if this is how I really feel?" Luhan says. "Every day I ask myself those questions until I figure out what the answers are."

Sehun can feel that he's still hurting deep inside.

"You told me that you didn't want to get involved with someone like me because I was different," Luhan says, staring right into Sehun's eyes, "But looking at you just now." He shakes his head. "Hearing what you said just now." He laughs. "Sehun. You're no different from me at all."

Sehun balls his hand into a fist.

"Being unfortunate and pathetic, it was not just you," Luhan says, putting his hand on Sehun's back, "It has been the both of us."

(*Behind Closed Doors, Chapter 34: Unrequited)

"It doesn't make me feel any better at all," Sehun says with an odd laugh, "I feel shittier now that I ate back my own words, what the hell."

"At least you realized one thing," Luhan shrugs, inching closer to Sehun until they're sitting side by side.

"And what is that?"

"I can be your home, too," Luhan says, smiling brightly at him, "If you don't know where else to go, if you feel sad and burdened, or if you get confused over your feelings," He takes Sehun's hand and laces their fingers together, "Just come to me and I'll accept you."

Strangely enough, Sehun doesn't feel the need to shove him away. Luhan is weirdly comfortable and calming. His heart doesn't race whenever he's with him. He doesn't have to worry about the next words he'd say or how he'd look like. That sense of familiarity he feels towards milktea and puppies, he feels it with Luhan.

"You still feel chest pains?" Luhan gestures at his chest and soothes it. "Are you okay now?"

Sehun lets out a long sigh, "Maybe."

"Maybe is better than a No, I guess," Luhan stands up to face him, grinning, "Happy New Year, Sehun. Let's spend this year worthwhile." He brings out his palm and hides his thumb, "The four of us together."

Sehun smiles at him and nods, "Sure."

*

To be continued.