War Camp, Celenore

Bedelth dove towards the beach, tucking his wings tight before transforming, landing at the edge of the sand before striding forward. Koldis stood some ten steps from the edge of the lapping waves, hands behind his back, staring out over the water. He didn't turn to face Bedelth, but said, "Still brooding?"

Bedelth scoffed. "I don't brood."

Koldis snorted. "You're the broodiest godsdamned person I've met—next to Talon, of course."

"And Verath," he added.

"And Verath," Koldis confirmed.

He came to stand beside his fellow Shield—his brother, really, because they were—taking up the same wide stance, mimicking Koldis's posture. The sound of the waves immediately began to calm him, helped to ease the tension strangling his heart.

"Want to talk about it?" Koldis asked.

"Not really."

Koldis paid him a sidelong glance. Something in his scrutiny stripped everything away, like his brother could see straight through him. "Something changed while I was gone. Something big."

"Yes, you found your mate. I think we've covered that in great detail," Bedelth snapped.

Koldis's eyes returned to the dark waters before them, the inner portion of Stormy Bay. Somewhere across the water, was all that remained of Fort Squall. "I was talking about you, Bedelth. You changed. Something fundamental—" Bedelth's dismissive snort interrupted Koldis, but Koldis continued, ignoring it. "You might think it goes unnoticed—and I am sure those who don't know you as I do, as we do, wouldn't spare it a second thought—but I have noticed. The others are merely being too polite to say anything."

"Or," Bedelth began, "they have more important things to consider. Impending events, reclaiming the fort, all that."

"Important, yes. But you are important, too. To me, to so many of us."

Something warm spread through Bedelth's chest; he ignored it, pushed it down deep. He was good at that, at controlling his emotions. Ignoring them. Picking logic over the wants and desires of his heart, even if he'd struggled with it lately. His parents had drilled it into him from a young age.

Making smart decisions.

At the time, he'd accepted that lesson, taken it at face value. It had cost him more than a hundred years to realize that 'smart decisions' merely meant decisions they approved of. Now, he was two-hundred-and-seventy-nine years old, and despite his recognizing this important distinction, he still couldn't seem to break away from the desire to win their approval. Even at the sake of his own happiness.

Silence fell between him and Koldis, stretching out over a long span. Koldis wasn't one to pry. It's why Bedelth sought his company above the others. Reyr was the most meddlesome, all feelings and openness, always pressing them to share what was on their minds. Jovari was too nonchalant about the world most of the time. Verath, the opposite—too serious. Koldis fell somewhere in the middle, was the closest to Cyrus in personality, even though Cyrus had never been as impulsive.

But he knew—he knew Koldis wouldn't let him brood forever. That Koldis cared too much to let it go. Perhaps he shouldn't have come tonight. Perhaps it would have been better to go off somewhere alone.

"When I realized what Taylynn was to me—"

"Don't you dare!" he growled, cutting Koldis off before this conversation led where he suspected it would.

"Don't be rude," Koldis drawled. "Let me finish."

His nostrils flared. He sighed. "Fine."

Koldis began again. "When I realized Taylynn was my mate, I was wholly unprepared. It felt like...well, what I imagine falling from the sky and splattering all over the ground might feel like. Not that we will ever know, exactly." Koldis sighed. "We live such long lives, Bedelth, compared to humans. We meet so many people during that time. Hundreds. Thousands. And then you meet that one. Your mate. That one single person whom the fates intended. All those people, and not a single one touches you. And then a mere glimpse—that's all it takes. Everything changes. It's like your insides get rearranged and scrambled and suddenly, you're this different person. Yet, you're still the same."

Bedelth exhaled, but didn't say anything.

"I felt so godsdamned helpless," Koldis whispered. And he listened, because when they'd discussed it with everyone in the tent, Koldis hadn't said a damned word about what he really felt at the time. No, he hadn't been nearly so forthcoming. "I've never felt that way before. We're Shields, Bedelth. People look at us and think we're indestructible. They see us and think that we've got the world at our fingertips. That we can do anything. That there isn't a single obstacle in this world we cannot overcome."

Bedelth's insides twisted. He hated what Koldis described. Hated that it mirrored the way he felt, for so many reasons. Hadn't his parents thought the same thing about the Drengr Fairtheoir? Hadn't they thought that being a King's Shield was the ultimate honor? The ultimate position? The ultimate prize?

"It wasn't just my oath I contended with," Koldis continued. "Yes, that made me feel completely at the mercy of other forces. But really, it was what she was—is—that left me feeling so...weak. So...so godsdamned powerless."

For a moment, Bedelth forgot his own struggles, captured in the snare of Koldis's explanation.

"Taylynn is a Sprite, and not just any Sprite, I told myself. A princess. Someone I could never have—never be with for so many reasons. And she was determined to make that clear when we first met. That we could never be. Isn't that funny? I never imagined the fates, whoever they are, whatever they are, to have such a grand sense of humor."

Damn. Those words struck him in so many ways, straight down to the marrow in his bones. He lifted a hand, cupped his brother's shoulder, and squeezed. Koldis paid him a sidelong glance and nodded. They didn't need to say anything. Words could still be passed in a single look.

"What now?" Bedelth managed after a long moment.

Koldis sighed. "Hard to say. She agreed to be my mate so long as my king approved. I left the forest knowing that was enough. That even if I didn't get our king's approval, knowing her choice would be enough—get me through life knowing that someone had picked me, chosen me, despite it being...predestined or whatever. She could have refused. That's the important thing."

He nodded, swallowing against his parched throat. As if Taylynn would have said 'no,' but he didn't voice that aloud. Koldis was an amazing person. She'd have been out of her damned mind to refuse him.

It was hard to avoid his own dark thoughts. He knew, now, what it felt like to be on the opposite side of that coin. What it felt like to be unwanted. What it felt like when someone didn't choose him. And it hurt. It hurt so godsdamned badly.

"The worst part is," Koldis continued, "considering what she is, how she comes and goes, I do not even know when I'll see her again. Or if I will see her again."

He snorted, pulling himself from his own thoughts. "If she chose you, she won't stay away for long. You'll see her again."

"I want to believe that," Koldis whispered, showing a tender side that the Drengr often kept hidden. "I just hate that she's mine and...and I don't know the 'if' and 'when' of it all. I hate that there is still so much uncertainty."

He glanced at Koldis, studied his expression in the darkness, the pinched draw of his eyebrows and the flat line of his lips. "You deserve to be happy," he said at last. "Talon was right. I'm glad he gave you his blessing."

Koldis nodded. After a beat he said, "You do too." Bedelth huffed. "I'm not going to lecture you about her, Bedelth. I see the way you look at her. I know what she is to you. Just...know this, if you do want to talk about it, ever, I'm here."

His chest pulled tight. He nodded, but said nothing more.

They stood in companionable silence, waiting, watching—

"There!"

The glow of a red-orange flame sprouted in the distance, out over the water. They both exhaled long and loud. The signal. The time had come.

It had been decided—when their plans were first set in motion—that some form of a signal would be needed. Some way to know that the operatives on foot were successful at unloading the precious brew they'd agonized over, into the lake. Otherwise, they could be flying into a massacre. So they'd had a couple of strategically placed barges—small rafts, really—positioned one after another across the bay, from the land near the fort, to where they assembled on the opposite side. They'd decided on a a flame—since fires could be easily explained away as lone fishermen. The task was, one of the operatives would light the first signal after they were successful, and each person manning their barge would light the next. A way to communicate their success.

The final signal flared into life out over the water, closest to them.

"They did it," he whispered, glancing at Koldis. "I was almost too afraid to believe it was possible. But they did it."

After he said it, he muttered a few words, lighting an orb of light, and waved it in the air. Almost instantly, the signal closest to them, out over the water, snuffed out, then the next. Those further were too far for him to see. But he knew that one after the other, they were being extinguished, for risk of being spotted.

Koldis nodded, then turned to him. "Let's go and tell our king the good news."

~

Talon took the news with a solemn expression. He hadn't expected the king to jump for joy. "We will gather everyone tomorrow, begin the final plans," he said. Claire sat at the table, eating the late dinner they'd disturbed them at. "It will be a few days before the poison sets in, before they are incapacitated."

After dismissing them, Koldis parted ways, giving Bedelth a long look. "Don't forget what I said earlier," he added, walking off before Bedelth could say anything else.

He sighed, staring after him.

He walked through camp, doing two circuits past Saffra's tent before convincing himself to drop in on her. He heard the laughter within, expected to find Desree in her presence. It wasn't alone time he sought, anyway. In a perfect world, she would have enjoyed his company alone, but she didn't anymore, apparently, and that hurt. At this point, simply seeing her, even if for a few moments, would have to be enough. He'd take what he could get.

The ladies went quiet after he knocked on the wooden tent pole and popped his head in. Saffra's face, he noticed, flushed. Perhaps she was thinking back to their previous conversation, or thought he'd come to have another awkward one. No, thank you. He knew where they stood, knew she didn't want him.

He cleared his throat and offered a dazzling smile. "Good evening, ladies. The signal has been lit, it worked."

Squeals of delight erupted from Desaree and Jocelyn, who glanced at Saffra with bright expressions on their faces. If they thought her lack of excitement was strange, they didn't let on. Clearly, she wanted him gone, sooner rather than later. He wasn't intentionally trying to make her uncomfortable, and didn't plan to stick around longer than necessary.

"Anyway, the king has scheduled a meeting for tomorrow afternoon to discuss our next steps. He's extended the invitation to include you, even though you won't be part of the battle." That made Desaree's smile widen even more. Jocelyn glanced between him and Saffra, perhaps sensing the undercurrent simmering between them. "Just thought I'd relay the message. Anyway—"

"Would you like to come in for some tea?" Jocelyn blurted out.

It took a great deal of willpower, but he didn't look at Saffra, kept his eyes on Jocelyn, kept his face composed. "Tea would be lovely, but I'm afraid duty calls. I've got a few matters to attend to." The lie rolled easily off his tongue. And so what, he certainly had matters he could be attending to, like ensuring the Dwargish armor was in tip-top condition for the Drengr, ready for when they needed it.

"Anyway," he reiterated. "I hope you ladies have a good night."

With that, he bowed his head and left, careful not to look at Saffra again. He'd had his glimpse, and that was enough—needed to be. It was probably better this way anyway, he reasoned.

Talon's modified charter was one thing, but his parents were another. They were as strait-laced and traditional as it came. Even when the king rewrote the portion of the charter that pertained to Shields, his father wouldn't agree with it. Why? Because most older Drengr didn't like change. His parents wouldn't either. They'd see it as a rash move.

Pleasing them was near impossible, but he certainly tried, even if after all these years; he knew he probably shouldn't. Pleasing them meant making decisions they approved of. Deep down, he still craved the scant approval they gave, needed it, and felt like his life was meaningless without it.

His father would never approve of him taking a mate. Shields didn't take mates. It wasn't that his parents didn't wish to continue their line. Certainly, all Drengr did. It was that they believed being a Shield was the most noble cause a Drengr could pursue. It won out over having a mate, bearing a child.

He ground his teeth together and slipped into his tent.

He hated the jealousy he felt towards other mated pairs, even towards Koldis, despite the complications of his newly-found matehood. He loved his brothers, all of them. But, try as he might, he looked at those who'd found love, those who'd experienced it, and was reminded of what he didn't have.

His parents had taken his one opportunity to experience unconditional love, and snuffed it out, projecting their wants and desires on his life. Like a starved thing, he'd played right into their hands. Would he ever be strong enough to accept that he'd never gain their love? That no matter how hard he tried to make 'smart decisions,' there would always be another one to make? Another impossible ideal to chase?

Was that it? Was he going to chase after these things for the rest of his life? Was he condemned to spend the rest of his life trying to make decisions that pleased them, all in the hopes of one day, winning the one thing he felt so deprived of?

⭐🌟 DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!🌟⭐

Hello Bookdragons!

Happy Friiii-yay! I thoroughly enjoyed reading through everyone's comments on last week's chapter. I did that before editing and posting this one. It made me giddy to see all your reactions, thoughts, etc.

I had initially had Captain Bennett's chapter as the 5th, but decided that we needed the star of our show first. So I swapped them. That means you're getting Bennett next. And we've now been introduced to Bedelth. I hope you love him as much as I'm coming to love him.

When I first started crafting his character, I knew I needed to find some wound or flaw that he must grapple with and grow from, something to make him relatable. So I had to dig into his past. I had to understand what  and where he came from, why he became a Shield, and what his life has looked like up until now. A few things I realized: His parents are A-holes and only offer conditional love, and it was their pressure that sent him on this path. As a result, it's shaped how he is today. And one of the products of that is his internal conflict. But he's also got some other fun traits. For example, he's a bit materialistic because of it, so he likes to collect fancy daggers (we'll see more of this when we return to KD). 

It's New Years weekend! I have a busy weekend planned, taking down Christmas decorations, trying to squeeze some writing time in, and soak up the remaining days of my time off. I hope you all have a WONDERFUL new year! When next we speak, it will be 2023!!!!!

Much love to you all,

Mel

p.s. Another lovely artwork for you to enjoy from the wonderful artist we saw last week, Grace! This one is Talon-baby! I love how you can see the iridescence off the tail, and the scars on his face and shoulder.