Celenore Wilderness

Jeanine swung a leg over, gracefully dismounting from her unicorn before giving the beautiful creature an affectionate pat. "Thank you, my friend," she whispered. Opal swung her head around and nudged her. In Feowen's direction. She chuckled but ignored the creature's obvious attempt at matchmaking.

The fact that she recognized Opal's intentions said enough. The two of them had had plenty of time to get acquainted, both during their journey from the forest, and now, as they traveled south to the capital. The capital! Her stomach lurched every time she considered it. So much had happened in the last few weeks, ever since she'd become part of Claire's Queen's Guard. Sometimes, it was nearly too hard to comprehend her new position.

She glanced over the Sprites surrounding her, dismounting from their own unicorns. Their tall, lithe bodies moved with grace, outfitted in beautiful suits of starlight silver armor. Hers was the same, yet, she couldn't help but feel like an imposter in it. She wasn't a Sprite, had no magic to speak of, and yet...Claire had accepted her pledge. Heat washed her cheeks. She looked away from the gathering of Sprites who fussed about their queen—her queen, now, too.

Claire wouldn't have accepted her pledge if she believed her unworthy.

...Right?

Her stomach squirmed and she pushed the thought aside.

"Ahhh." The deep male groan was long and drawn out. "Aahm seamih. It feels good to see the world standing still, does it not?" Her stomach lurched for an entirely different reason now, as Feowen came to stand beside her. He nudged her with an elbow. "What's the matter, Jeanie?"

Jeanie. He'd taken to using the pet name recently. And every time he did, warmth radiated through her chest.

"Nothing's the matter," she muttered, plastering on a bright smile.

"Gadhaah. I can tell when you are lying."

Her brows knitted together. "Liar? You just called me a liar?! Gadhaah?"

He studied her face. "Fine. But...I will gladly lend an ear, if you wish to discuss it. I need to speak with my cousin. I'll find you afterward. Let's go for a walk. My legs are positively screaming at me." The last he muttered darkly.

She swallowed, then nodded, watching him depart.

Fight it if you wish, but his heart is set upon you, Opal said.

"So much for not sticking your horn where it doesn't belong," she muttered, teasing the unicorn.

I shall stick my horn—

"Don't—finish that thought," she sputtered. Opal gave a loud snicker and plodded away to graze. She watched her unicorn affectionately—well, not hers, technically. The unicorns were a force unto themselves, belonging to no one. But the friendship that had formed between her and Opal ran deep; she felt as if she had some claim over the creature. Opal felt the same, surely.

Tears clouded her eyes. She'd had very few deep friendships in her lifetime. She blinked, clearing her vision. What would she do when it was time to say goodbye to Opal? Would they see each other again? She rubbed a hand over her stomach, absently. The thought made her uncomfortable. She'd already had to say goodbye to another friend.

Jahl.

A part of her heart had shattered when he'd left the forest, accepting the king's offer to journey to the capital and take up a position with the city watch. She couldn't blame him. He'd always wanted to live a soldier's life, had talked about it when they'd spent time together growing up in Kaljah.

Kaljah.

An ache formed in her throat, for the past, for what she'd lost. Her village, her father, her previous life. It all felt like a lifetime ago. An age ago. It was said that time moved differently in the forest, and she believed it did, in some ways. Things felt drawn out, stretched, when one lived within the trees.

She moved away from the others to see to her business. As she went, she thought of her childhood friend. He'd been a constant part of her life since her mother had uprooted her from Lincastle, moving them to the far reaches of nowhere, to be with her crippled father. Jahl had always been there for her, and then he'd left, and she'd felt betrayed, even though she couldn't have forced him to stay. Couldn't have forced him to linger somewhere he didn't feel he belonged.

Now she was traveling to the capital, to his new home. Might they run into each other? If they did, would he regard her coldly for her attachment to Prince Feowen? Or would they meet as friends? Frosty acquaintances? What?

Part of her didn't want to know the answer and hoped they wouldn't cross paths. Kastali Dun was a huge city, after all. And she'd be serving the queen while he manned the city walls. What were the odds?

She finished her business and walked about the landscape, keeping close to their party. Here, the fields were open and dotted with trees. They were on the fourth day of their journey, traveling much slower than they would have, had they not needed to wait for the king and his Shields. Each day they set out at dawn, right after breakfast, and stopped mid-afternoon, setting up camp. It usually took the Drengr until nightfall, sometimes much later, to catch up with them—

"There you are." Feowen appeared beside her, stopping to gaze at the cluster of trees in the distance. "Shall we walk there?"

"Sure," she said, glancing at him. His uncanny gaze fixed on her, his blue hair braided tightly down the back of his head. Her cheeks flushed, recalling the softness of his hair when he'd requested she braid it for him. The intimacy of the act had been...surprising.

He took her hand, lacing their fingers together. Her breaths quickened, but she forced them to slow. If he noticed, he made no indication. It was always like this around him, ever since they'd kissed, which they'd done plenty more of since the first. Each time was just as delicious, just as fiery, turning her insides to liquid heat. But he hadn't pushed her further than that, and she'd been grateful.

Perhaps it was cowardly, but she was afraid to get closer to him. Did he feel the same? Was that why he hadn't taken things further?

No, you dolt, said a voice in her head. It's because you've been fighting a war. There are more important things than tumbling into bed together. She cleared her throat, trying not to be shocked by her own rogue monologue.

"Anything in particular you'd like to see when we reach the capital?"

"Oh." Her thoughts scattered and she focused on his question. "The keep, of course, with its sparring grounds and royal garden. The Bay of Bandu, obviously. The city's market—I've heard it's spectacular." He hummed in assent. "The arena, where events are held. The shopping districts." He began to chuckle. "Yes, I guess everthing, if I'm being honest."

"Then see everything we shall."

"You...you think there will be time?" Hope rang heavy in her tone. She wasn't sure what her duties—their duties—would entail, once they arrived in Kastali Dun. Back at camp, they'd kept close to their queen, to serve and protect. But in the keep? Queen Claire would be surrounded by the king's people, his Shields close at hand. Perhaps there'd be more time to herself, to explore the city...and hopefully not run into Jahl.

"Sasit bei likah. There will be time," he translated. She committed the words to memory while repeating them aloud. He corrected her pronunciation several times, then smiled, satisfied. "You're learning quickly."

She snorted. "Right."

"You are," he assured her, squeezing her hand.

"Claire was in the forest half as long as me, and she's already fluent."

"Claire," he emphasized, "is part Sprite—my cousin by blood. She isn't human, even if she may look it—or did look it, before she got all those markings." He sighed, the sound heavy, laced with something she couldn't quite read. Frustration? Sadness? "Do not compare yourself to an impossible ideal, Jeanie. It is unfair and unrealistic. It will only bring you displeasure."

Heat prickled to her skin. He wasn't scolding her, per se, but it still embarrassed her. Why in the name of the gods was she being so hard on herself?

Oh. Right. Because she was surrounded by Sprites, who craved perfection, with their tall, perfect forms, and their perfect manner of speaking, and their perfectly beautiful faces, and their perfect fighting form, and...perfect everything else, too. Feowen had even teased her for less, in the past, but that seemed to have largely abated, now that he'd accepted her human ways.

He stopped, abruptly, turning her to face him. His expression said he'd read her thoughts well enough. He took her face, cupping it in his hands. "Jeanine," he said. A shiver raced down her spine. "I like you how you are. I hope you understand that. If I wanted a Sprite for a companion, can you not see that I have my pick of them? I shall never forget the sight of you on that hill, bow in hand. It's imprinted on my mind. I knew then, as I know now." He hesitated. "Aya kunyn mirsaah edah alskedirahil. Aya kunyn javkain eah mik."

Her insides turned to liquid warmth. The passion in his voice, the declaration, felt like the words lovers whispered to each other in the darkness. "What...what does that mean?" she managed, gaping at him. She didn't recognize enough to make sense of it.

He placed his forehead against hers, leaning down somewhat to do so. "Roughly...You are fearsome and unapologetic. You are beautiful to me."

"Oh..." she breathed. Her stomach summersaulted. "You...you think that of me?" she stammered.

"Of course I do." He rubbed his nose against hers, the gesture so affectionate it made her throat ache. The warmth left behind was enough to stave off the spring chill. He could have made some joking remark, about his thoughts being obvious, but he must have sensed her moment of weakness, that she needed his sincerity, and he gave it freely. "Come on, let's explore this little grove."

He pulled her along, dragging her through the trees, a look of wonder on his face. Like other Sprites, he hadn't gotten out of the forest much. She couldn't help the flutter of her heart as her mood lifted, seeing his joy.

Birds chirped, flitting between branches. The grass didn't grow as tall here, in the shade of the trees. It was littered with fallen leaves from autumn, that hadn't yet decayed. Shrubs were sparse, unlike the Gable Forest. So they could easily walk where they wished. Every so often, Feowen lifted a hand to run it down the bark of various trees.

Until he said, "This one will do," and in a flash, had snagged her waist and pressed her back against it, meeting her mouth with his, propping a knee between her legs, pressing his body against hers. She gasped as his kiss overcame her, falling into it, letting its warmth crowd out every unwanted thought from her mind.

She didn't think about what their future might hold. Didn't think about how he could have anyone, but seemed to only want her. Didn't think about how inadequate she felt around the other Spriten guards.

There was only his curious fingers, his hot mouth, and the new rush of thoughts that left her skin flushed. His hips rocked against hers, the motion erotic, their bodies hard everywhere they met. New feelings awoke, and she began to wonder if, perhaps, she might be willing to forget her fears in lieu of satisfying her desires. But in the end, Feowen didn't push anything forward, and she was plenty content to kiss him for all eternity, as the afternoon light wained into gloaming evening.

~

"You and Feowen seem happy," Claire said, making Jeanine choke on her dinner. Abrupt as it was, she should have been prepared for it. Even though she and Feowen didn't make public displays, they snuck away frequently when camp was made.

She and Claire sat slightly away from the others, but still close enough that Sprite hearing would pick up their words. Case in point, she noticed the way Feowen's conversation with Rahlif faltered, then picked up again.

"I...yes, we are. And he can hear you, by the way."

"Oh." Claire glanced over towards the prince. "I keep forgetting things like that. You'd think I'd be used to it by now."

Jeanine snorted. "I suppose we haven't been all that covert about ourselves."

"And why should you be?" Claire asked, picking at the bread and cheese laid out on a cloth before them.

"I...I guess...I don't know."

"Sprites seem pretty open-minded when it comes to public displays, from what I've gathered. Not like the prim and proper behavior I've witnessed in the capital. Everything there is secretive, kept behind closed doors." Claire chuckled. "I think if Dragonwall saw the way Sprites hold hands so normally, our healers would have an epidemic of aneurysms on their hands."

"Aneur-what?"

Claire laughed. "It's a very serious medical condition that can occur in someone's brain. I shouldn't joke about it so lightly. That was in poor taste."

"Hmm..." was all Jeanine could manage. Any other time, she might be more curious about things from Claire's world. They fell quiet.

"Something's on your mind," Claire observed.

She snorted. "First Feowen, then you."

"I'm guessing you didn't talk about it with him?" Claire asked. Jeanine shook her head. "Would you like to talk about it with me? I'm a good listener. Here—" Claire wrapped up their dinner and stood, grabbing Jeanine's hand and pulling her up. When they stood, Claire didn't relinquish her hold. Jeanine wasn't sure how to take that, but in the end, allowed herself to be flattered. Knowing Sprites held hands with their good friends meant Claire regarded her as such. "Let's find a new place to picnic."

Feowen turned, taking several steps towards them. Claire added, "No, Feowen. We will be fine. I've got a guard with me, see? And we'll still be visible." To Jeanine she rolled her eyes and said, "Obviously we wouldn't be moving away if we didn't want privacy."

Jeanine's eyes locked with Feowen. He clearly wanted to tag along for more than Claire's protection. Likely, he wanted to know why she was brooding. Her gaze narrowed, a warning. He nodded and turned back to Rahlif.

Claire kept a tight hold on her, pulling her along. Once they were out of earshot she said, "Okay, spill."

Jeanine sighed. "I guess I've just been feeling...inadequate."

Her words were met with a loud sigh. "Now that is something I can relate to."

"You...you can?"

"Uhm. Duh. Newly appointed Sprite queen here."

"Yes, but. You're...you're..."

"I'm what?" Claire turned to her, stopping, dropping her hand.

"You just seem like you always have everything together." At this, Claire's eyebrows knitted together. "It's true," she argued. "You're strong and unruffled. Like, no matter the situation, you are its equal. Everyone tells me I'm brave and courageous for what I did in Kaljah, and unapologetic for not conforming to the behaviors expected of most women. But...then I look at the other Spriten females and I...I feel so inadequate. Like, how could I ever measure up? And you...you don't just bear the title of queen. You look like a queen. You...you speak like a queen. Act like a queen. I just find it hard to believe that you..." She exhaled. "I'm doing a poor job of explaining this. What I really mean is, you do well hiding how you feel. No one would ever look at you and think you were struggling with inadequate feelings. I wouldn't have known if you hadn't said anything."

"We call it imposter syndrome, where I'm from."

Imposter syndrome. "That...that makes sense, actually."

They found a spot to sit and Claire opened the cloth, unveiling their unfinished dinner. Jeanine grabbed a hunk of cheese and bread and took a small bite. "I know it's ridiculous to feel this way," she said after chewing. "They're Sprites. I'm not. At least you have a good reason. Being a queen...that's...that makes my worries feel small. Makes me feel silly."

"Jeanine." Claire placed a hand on her arm. "No worry is ever small or unimportant. Certainly not silly. Especially if it's something heavy on your heart. You have every right to feel exactly the way you do."

"I...I do?" She frowned.

"Of course!"

She opened and closed her mouth. "But...I'm being ridiculous for comparing myself to an impossible ideal. That's what Feowen said."

Claire scoffed. "What a male thing to say—of course he'd say it. In some respects he is right. Logical, really. Males love logic. They are creatures of problem solving and calculation. Females, we are creatures of the heart, of feeling. I read this book once—well, never mind. That's beside the point. What I mean is, we females don't always want a solution to our struggles. Sometimes we just want someone to hear us. We want to feel understood and supported. We want to feel we aren't alone. You know?"

Jeanine blinked, processing this revelation. Night was falling, but there was still enough glow to the sky. The roaring fire in the distance gave off shadows as various people in their party moved around it.

"But anyway," Claire went on to say. "Feowen was right in that comparison is dangerous. And comparing yourself to a Sprite is like comparing an apple to an orange. What he should have also said, was that regardless of the comparison, your feelings are no less valid. You feel how you feel, and that's not wrong. It is simply what it is. Don't ever feel ridiculous for feeling how you feel." Suddenly, a surprised laugh burst from Claire's lips. Musical and light. "Now...if only I could take my own advice to heart."

Jeanine's eyes blurred a little, but she blinked and cleared them.

Claire scoffed. "I hate that feelings can be irrational. That they can make so little sense, and yet, we feel them acutely. That doesn't make it wrong, though. I just wish I wasn't always so worried about being perfect. It's like, I know how I should feel, and that I'm not seeing things the way I ought to, but I can't seem to avoid it." Claire opened her mouth again, as if she wanted to say more, then snapped it shut. She picked at a stalk of grass, dinner forgotten, shredding it before tossing it away. Then she looked up, giving Jeanine a hesitant grin. "I didn't mean to take over this conversation with my own troubles."

"No—no. Actually." Jeanine hesitated. "That's exactly what I needed to hear."

Claire's head tilted to regard her. "Was it? Perhaps I'm better at this than I realized. I should open a practice."

Laugher burst from Jeanine's lips. Shew wasn't sure what a practice was, but Claire was definitely good at this. To know she also struggled with similar feelings... Well, it made a huge difference. Knowing she wasn't alone, that she wasn't the only one feeling this way, lifted something from her chest. Something heavy that felt entirely too suffocating at times.

"I do agree with you, though," Jeanine found herself saying. "Knowing isn't the same as putting into practice what you know. But at least I don't feel stupid about it now."

"Good. Good." Claire smiled. Then her eyes went blurry. Her smile widened, face transforming into beatific grace. It was miraculous to watch, how she went from happy to joyous and radiant. A true queen. "That was Talon," she breathed. "They're almost here."

They quickly finished their dinner, chatting about inconsequential things after that. She would always appreciate that Claire could appear queenly in one moment, and perfectly normal in the next. That she wanted to talk about men and romance. That she avoided political matters and things that were too serious, when the occasion didn't warrant serious conversation. That she could give sage advice, but still admit to her own flaws.

Claire made an excellent queen, even if she didn't see herself that way. Perhaps in time, she would. As for her own struggles, Jeanine was determined to worry less about how she compared to others, and more about how she compared to herself. Determined to recognize her feelings for what they were, and keep from beating herself up about it.

As shadows passed overhead, churning up the air, they stood and walked back to camp. Again, Claire took her hand, swinging their arms back and forth as they walked, all smiles and excitement. And in that moment, Jeanine realized, there would always be difficulties to face, but having someone face them with you made them a thousand times easier. 

⭐🌟 DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!🌟⭐

Hi Bookdragons!

Happy Friday! I'm so glad we finally got a Jeanine chapter. It's been a while. And guess what? Next week's is from Talon's POV. I wrote it a while back, but I remember having tons of fun with it.

I hope you are all having a great week! See you next time.

-Mel