"i guess this is goodbye and good luck. i can't be who you want me to be."

-i won't apologise, selena gomez

There was always a kind of awkwardness, a tense silence that preceded arguments. It was the warning, the silent evacuation alarm that screamed for you to abort, abort, even though you knew the inevitable was coming.

It was this silence that usually sent your heart racing in anticipation of what would come.

As I watched Asher exchange hushed words with Georgia -when had they become friends? I wasn't aware that their relationship extended beyond Georgia's infatuation-, I attempted to school my expression into one of indifference, which wasn't difficult considering how numb I felt.

I knew how it was going to end, because I had gone through it enough that I was desensitised to it. There was only one ending to the confrontation looming ahead, and there was no use in feeling fear or panic. I could only accept my fate, because that was what it was.

Fate.

Asher closed the door, and I heard a soft click that told me he had locked it. His expression was neutral, but from the hard set of his lips, he was suppressing his anger rather remarkably.

"So, you and Georgia, huh?" I attempted to smirk, although it was more a twitch of my lips than anything. "I wasn't aware that anything had blossomed between you too."

"Stop being so presumptuous," Asher snapped. "Gia and I have known each other long before whatever devil bestowed you upon us. For someone who always whines about how no one will listen to her, you sure don't bother listening to others, either."

"Well, I don't have morals, as you said," I shrugged, though I was certain my expression was pained. "I have made it clear to you many times that I'm not some saint. I am a monster, and I will remain that way for a long time. Of my own accord, or by the hand of fate, I don't know."

"You know, I thought that you could change," Asher let out a derisive snort. "It honestly wouldn't have made a difference to me what you did to Eris, because I know she can hold her own. She's not a coward like you. I did it mostly for you, because I wanted to show you that there was another option other than tyranny. I guess I was wrong. A leopard never changes its spots, after all."

I couldn't suppress the laugh that exploded out of my throat, and took a sort of dark pleasure at seeing the momentary surprise on Asher's face.

"Change?" I choked out amidst another wave of laughter, tone bordering hysteria. "You can't change me, Asher. You see, that's the problem with so many people nowadays. You think you can change people like me, people who have been stuck in a rut of destruction for goodness knows how long, people who would've changed if we could. You think that just by prancing into our lives, prattling about the good of the world, you can change us. You can't. Your kindness is wasted on people like me."

"You see, that's your problem!" Asher threw up his hands in frustration. "All you think about is oh, woe is me, I'm so terrible, without actually trying to do anything about it! It's like you've just accepted your fate and you're just waiting to rot or something!"

"Thing is, Asher, I am. Okay? I don't want to be here! I want to disappear, to cease existing, but because I'm an insufferable coward I'm too scared to actually take my own life!" I slammed my hands down on the desk, an indescribable emotion bubbling in my chest and threatening to burst out. "Fucking hell, Asher, all I want to be is left alone!"

Not that I'm not lonely enough as it is.

"Stop being so stupid!" Asher yelled. "Do you know how fucking ungrateful you sound? All of us do so much for you- do you think Gia wants to stay by your side? Irene? Do you think it was easy for me to believe that you would keep your promise? We care for you, Felicity, but you just take that concern and throw it out of the window! You have a home, you have some seriously loyal friends, and you have me! Don't you consider me a friend?"

He sagged into a chair, sounding unbelievably exhausted.

"I'm really tired of all this push-and-pull with you," he muttered. "I can only do so much. All of us can only do so much."

"Give up then," I whispered, despite the horrible wrenching in my heart. "Everyone else has. I don't have a home. It's empty and hollow and painful. It's just a house full of memories that I don't want. I don't have friends, either. I can't commit, I can't live with the knowledge that I hold someone's else's trust in my hands, I can't watch again as someone else is ripped from my hands."

I can't live with myself. Whatever we had between us- it was never meant to extend to friendship.

"I'm not doing this again, Felicity," Asher announced, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder. "I'm not having the same-old, tired argument that we have all the time. I'm tired of trying to persuade you that you're worth saving. Maybe it's time I persuaded myself that you're not worth saving."

He paused at the door, looking defeated.

"Maybe you deserve all of this, and I'm the one who's been blind to it this whole time."

I closed my eyes, tilting my head back. Vaguely, I was aware that Asher had left, but all I could think about was the suffocating silence. I didn't want to open my eyes, because I knew that the classroom would be so normal it was painful.

In Hollywood movies, arguments like these usually ended with someone sobbing on the ground, and a sad song playing in the background. But in real life, there was only a return to normalcy, as if nothing had happened. If I willed it hard enough, I could almost pretend that it didn't happen because it all felt so surreal.

Then again, I had never claimed to like Hollywood.

Stupid girl, you knew that it would end in pain, so why did you ever let yourself hope?

===

"Felicity? Felicity!"

I blinked, fixing a weak smile onto my face out of instinct.

"It's your turn," Abigail sighed, sounding slightly put-out. "It's been your turn for years and years, but you looked like you were falling asleep with your eyes open."

"Ah, sorry," I rolled the dice and moved my piece forward. Even to my ears, the apology sounded half-hearted. "It's just been a bad day for me."

"Was someone a big meanie again?" Abigail's eyes widened. "School sounds so scary."

"No, I just had a fight with someone," I halted, the words close to me on the tip of my tongue. I had no right to say that Asher was close to me, especially not since I evidently hurt his feelings. "It was something stupid, don't worry about it."

Abigail nodded sagely.

"Well, Mrs. Green always says that if it's not happy, then it's not the end, because we all have a happy ending!" She smiled brightly. "So I'm sure everything will be okay, because you're a nice person and nice people always deserve nice things!"

"People don't exactly think I'm nice, Abi," I sighed. "They don't really like me much either."

"Well, I like you! We all like you lots and lots, and Mrs. Green likes you too! You don't have to care about the bad people, because you have us!"

"Thank you," I smiled, though my fingers clenched around my game piece. "I just wish it could be that simple."