I've been feeling really off lately and several things that have happened in the past... 48 hours have really gotten me into a funk I guess

Long story short government conspiracies that aren't conspiracies (for lack of a better phrase. It's from history and I'm frustrated with past American decisions that dirty my identity as a citizen and result of some of those decisions)

Problems with society, specifically the schooling system that is literally rigged to make people slaves and the banking system that is rigged to make it so that we are ALWAYS in debt to something and the outrageous offset of power in the world that make it so that 99.99999999% of the population is going to die accomplishing nothing in their lives and I'm hoping to be in that fraction of a percent that is actually remembered for something by a decent amount of people when I die

And then I have the personal issue of still not having really any friends IRL, and the people that I am close to considering my friends are only in my art class and one is a senior and the other is only here for a school year. My old friends from my old school are honestly really bad at being friends when we're not face to face so I've kinda been ignoring the one that keeps texting me? But we wouldn't have a conversation anyway because she can't text. I'm really lacking in social contact the only significant socializing I've done is in my art class and on Discord, both of which have pretty significant limitations. 

Not to mention that someone decided to make a threat on social media over the weekend so now there's a lot of police around my school and I'm like hyperaware as I go across the bridge between buildings because I'm low-highkey afraid that someone is going to shoot up my school and specifically there on the bridge because that's one of the most vulnerable places in the school, being above the highway and very exposed and there's nowhere to go if we were attacked there

Overall I just have a really pessimistic outlook on life at the moment. 

It's kind of funny how I'm always the supportive, positive one online, isn't it? I'm always trying to look on the bright side of an unfortunate situation for someone because for whatever reason they can't do it themselves. But because I can't fricken spit out the negative emotions I can barely even feel (to the point I'm only working off of what I know I should be feeling instead of what I actually am) and because I'm too considerate of others I don't bother them with my petty troubles

I'm such a pathetic human being, aren't I? I'm so emotionally immune I'm functioning off of empathy/sympathy for myself instead of real emotions and my closest friends are Internet friends... 

bye

-an extremely salty becca4leafclover