But is it love? Am I not being misled by my character's emotions?

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12:54 AM, July 20th, 2018 - Bangkok

I awoke in the middle of the night, slothfully stretching my arms and legs to the sides while remaining in bed, wistfully smiling. It was that gentle dream about us again, Korn.

Apparently, the after-effects of filming Bad Romance and Together With Me are lasting longer than I had anticipated. TWM had finished airing since last October. Our latest joint fan meeting in Manila was also since April 8th this year. But for the past 14 weeks and 5 days, I kept seeing us in my sleep. Perhaps, the on-going but intermittent filming for TWM: The Next Chapter has also added to this problem.

There was nothing evocative in the dream, just our ever so seemingly instinctive embrace when we stood together, a hearty smile when our eyes met, or a gentle hair stroke full of teammate affection. Sometimes, I helped adjust your crooked shirt collar. Other times, you handed me water as my voice started to crack from speaking too much at a reality TV show. Really, nothing out of the ordinary life that we had lived for months on sets of the two series.

I frequently chuckled at myself wondering why those images would persistently enter my first REM sleep stage, just to slyly wake me up around minute 99th. This prevents my bone and muscle growth, dude! Why not the freaking last REM?

For all other nights, I would easily fall right back to sleep. But somehow it feels different tonight.

Tonight, Korn, I am starting to grasp the peculiarity of my dreaming about us. It is probably very unusual for an actor to have lingering sentiments for so long after a filming project, let alone of a MALE acting partner. Am I just too severely stimulated by the thrill of playing a gay role in a BL series? Perhaps, it is all because I had to force myself to envision us often in order to overcome the awkwardness of those intimate kisses and perpetual hot scene retakes. And it just so happened that my own mental game has successfully tricked my limbic system, fooling my amygdala into "believing" that those emotions are real. If that is the case, the troubled me may need to seek help from a psychotherapist. I guess there is such thing as "occupational disease" in the filming industry after all. I hope you haven't contracted it.

02:24 AM, July 22nd, 2018 - Bangkok

I shook myself out from sleep, sat up quickly in one motion while breathing heavily in sweat. What was that dream about? Frightened, I reached over to turn on the night lamp, then rushed to the kitchen for some cold water, hoping that a big gulp of it would calm me down. I can still feel your soft, burning lips, Korn. It was such a vivid dream. Too vivid that I am still quivering. I quaffed the remaining water in the glass, sat down on a chair with both elbows on the dinning table, repeatedly running fingers through my hair. I am truly perplexed.

It was great to see you at M theater for P' Bright's musical last night. I felt so happy and at peace. I guess I missed being with you more than had realized.

Now, I have to get back to my room before the kitchen light wakes mom up. Not only because she is a light sleeper, but also because I wouldn't be able to provide an explanation for my restlessness in the middle of the night.

So here I am, lying in bed, attempting to dissect my emotions, and analyzing my psychological state, just to find myself remembering our CPR kiss from the last episode of TWM as I drift back into sleep.

5:00 AM, July 23rd, 2018 - Bangkok

My flight to Honolulu will take off at 9:15 AM today. I will be in Hawaii alone for a few days to seek counsel from a psychologist friend. You and I will be 105 longitudes apart, but I desperately need this geographical distance, to contemplate life and to organize my thoughts. Life seems to be heading in a strange direction and I feel the need to determine its course. Hope it won't take me too long to figure things out.

5:00PM, July 23rd, 2018 - Hawaii

It is a beautiful sunny afternoon on the islands. Kilauea's volcanic ashes are not affecting the sweet summer air on Honolulu. Tourists fill the busy streets of downtown proper and occupy cafes along Bishop Street for happy hour menus. Life is joyful and vibrant.

I stepped into Coren's office a little after 5:15 PM. The office is empty. Coren came out of a room from the left of the front desk, extending his arms to greet me. "I dismissed the staff," he said and gave me a big welcoming hug. After a brief greeting, he led me into a large room with tropical decor and signaled me to sit down on a beach-style sleeper sofa. He grabbed two water bottles out of a small fridge, placed them on the ottoman, and comfortably sank his entire body into a Colton Chenille sofa chair across from me. "So what brought you to me, bro?" he asked, looking straight into my eyes while loosening his necktie and resting his legs on a corner of the ottoman. I hesitated, stared back at him contemplating on how I should begin.

"I need your professional help and confidentiality, as your client." I sat with my upper body leaning forward, elbows rested on knees, fingers intertwined, looking up at him.

As if he had fully anticipated it, Coren nodded, waiting for me to continue.

"I am not sure how to best tell you what I am about to. But for the past 3 months, I have been having a recurrent dream. In which, I see myself and my acting counterpart. We filmed two boy-love romance series together and, since then, have had many joint promotional events. The problems are that this person is a guy and that I dreamed of kissing him on the lips a few nights ago." I paused, throwing my back at the couch, looking at the Hawaiian ceiling.

"Tell me more," Coren encouraged.

"I did not give it much thought prior to the kissing dream. But I am starting to think that my dreams are inappropriatre. I mean, I am a straight dude. I find girls beautiful and attractive. Have you seen my body? I am full of testosterone, bro. I can't be like a girl feeling attracted to Korn."

"Do you like him?" Coren asked.

"What do you mean I like him? Of course, I like him. We are the perfect acting partners and teammates. He is a nice person. We naturally care about each other as good friends. That's what makes our chemistry so believable." I quickly charged an intense glance at Coren.

"Naturally? As good friends?" Coren asked in a challenging tone. "How?" He added.

"I mean... this is entirely based on my perception. But whenever I was with him, whether on- or off-set, I always felt confident that we had each other's back. We worked in absolute harmony. Our ideas about each scene were always on par. We never clashed on any topic. When we appeared on stage or in other public settings, I knew that he would look out for my best interests as I would for his."

"When did the uneasy feeling start?" Coren interrupted me.

"Just a few days ago when I dreamed of kissing him on the lips. It was different than all other dreams. It was unusual."

"Why didn't you think that the other dreams were also unusual?" Coren pressed.

"What I saw in the previous dreams were what actually happened on sets or on other publicity programs. But only mild, not too intimate actions such as hugging or face caressing. I had thought that these appeared in my sleep because it had happened too often during filming. Even when we kissed on sets, it was still acting and we did our bests. But the dream I had a few nights ago was different. The feeling was instinctively different. I felt invested in that kiss. I felt aroused. It felt as though things would have gone further in the dream if I had not forced myself to escape from it, to wake up." I paused for a few seconds, again, looking up at Coren. "In that dream, all of my senses were activated when I wrapped my left hand around his neck, pulled him closer to my face, and pressed my lips on his lips... passionately kissing him with my eyes close. The scary part was that I felt as though he accepted my lips and was kissing me back. I could feel the veins on his neck palpitating. I am so effing confused between reality and acting, bro." I paused again, reached out for a sip of water.

"How did you feel when you were kissing him during filming? Any stimulation?" he inquired.

"We all tried to make the intimate scenes look real and believable. That was our focus. So..."

"Describe your feelings at those exact moments ... when your lips touched his, when you gazed deep into his eyes, when you were embracing him...on set. How did YOU feel?" Coren casually pushed further, appeared to be genuinely concerned about my feeling. Then, with his eyes fastened on my face, he sat up to take off his stylish Allan Edmonds Leiden, reached for the water, then put his shoeless feet back up on the ottoman, slowly uncapping the bottle. I knew that he was giving me time to think.

"Nothing much went through my head. I only concentrated on playing my character. My character needed to kiss him and embrace him as someone who was romantically involved with his character. He is a talented actor so he naturally did the same. We did not want to waste everyone's time on too many unnecessary retakes."

"Listen, Knock." Coren abruptly interrupted me. "Watch my lips. HOW DID Y-O-U FEEEEL?"

I was flustered by the way Coren wanted to strip naked my emotions. I looked at him disgruntledly, shaking my head. I realized then that was I talking to a psychotherapist, not a friend.

"We need to understand your feeling, Knock. It may or may not mean one way or another. I am not going to judge you. Didn't you come to me to better understand your feelings? Trust me, Knock. This is my specialty. It can feed my family because I am good at it." Coren continued. "Now lie down on that sofa, take 5 minutes to make yourself comfortable. Then close your eyes, think of a particular kiss scene, and recall how you felt at that moment."

I hesitantly followed Coren's command and lay down, legs crossed at the feet, one hand over another on my abdomen. Meanwhile, he put on Mozart's Piano sonata No. 16 in C major to help me relax. I closed my eyes, listened to the music, and began to recall the filming of BR and TWM. I remember how we first met for the first script reading. Everyone was so energized and enthusiastic. Come to think of it, since the moment we were first introduced, I already had a hunch that you and I would get along very well just through the smile in your eyes.

"What was the spontaneous smile you had just now?" Coren was already studying me.

"Oh, I just remembered when Korn and I first met. He already made me feel very reassured and comfortable. I guess I had subconsciously accepted him as my acting partner since that meeting, with full confidence." At this point, I could not help but open my eyes, intermittently blinking at the ceiling, amazed at what just came out of my mouth. How could I possibly have that much trust in you from the very beginning? I never once doubted your ability or your integrity as an acting artist. We never rehearsed what to say or how to behave in front of our fans. I just knew that you would never do anything to jeopardize me or us. Now I remember how my facial muscles would automatically flex into a smile every time I looked at you and how you would calmly look back at me, as if that was how things should always be. All of the sudden, I want to see you terribly.

"Knock!" Coren called out. "Are you still with me?"

I sat up, apologized to Coren for getting sidetracked while rubbing my face and taking a deep breath to dispel your image from my head.

"Let's call it a day." Coren added. "Let's go grab dinner, then I will drop you off at your hotel. No one knows that you are here, right? I will tell my wife that I am eating with a client. Come back here at the same time tomorrow, you hear me? Now, put that cap on or someone may recognize you."

I sluggishly stood up to follow Coren out. "Ask your assistant to set me up under Anonymous. I will pay your fees by cash." I said, pulling the cap over my head and put my Ray-bans on. He drove me to the crowded Ferguson's Irish pub down the street. We slipped into a corner of the bar, ate, drank, and did some catch-up, quickly forgetting this afternoon's awkward doctor-patient relationship.

12:00 AM, July 24th, 2018 - Hawaii

Jet-lagged. I couldn't fall asleep. My circadian clock is still operating on Bangkok time. It's only 6:00 PM back home. I got changed and put on a skullcap, then headed downstairs to use the fitness center at Ilikai. No one else was around. I did my 5x5 workout routine with no trainer, cautiously. It would be perfect if you were here. We could train together.

After showering, I picked up the lane line to order room service. Nothing could beat a steak salad and a glass of red wine post intense exercise.

Full and contented, I snuck the half-open 2014 Cullen Diana Madeline Cabernet Sauvignon bottle and glass over to the couch, connected my phone to the sound system to play Francesco Rosi's Carmen. Then I just sat there, sipping the wine, and thinking about Coren's questions.

On the days leading to the filming of the first kiss scene for BR episode 5, I felt very anxious. I remember having told my manager how awkward and nerve-racking this shoot would be. I really could not sleep well for a couple of nights. I don't know if it was better or worse for you to learn about the kiss on THE day of the shoot. You came running toward my makeup station, panting and shouting. Your face was so funny, almost distorted from angst. To tell the truth, seeing you so fretful helped me loosen up a great deal. And so we did it, in a total of 4 takes: 2 long shots and 2 close-ups. You were so tense that the PD had to yell out asking you to relax. My drunk character façade provided me with enough distraction. I was so concentrating on keeping my "drunken" semblance that the only thing I could remember was how soft your lips were. We gave each other a hug of encouragement at the end of that shoot. Then came the group previewing of the edited kiss, I could tell that you and I were both blushing from embarrassment. The slo-mo addition made it look so dramatic. But it turned out well. I hope your girlfriend did not give you any trouble after she watched that episode.

The second kiss scene was for BR episode 12. Again, a drunk forced kiss. But I must admit that the shoot felt a tad more romantic because it came right after a confession line: "I miss you!" This time, I did not just press my lips on yours. I kissed your lower lip, feeling the longing sensation of my character burst within me. Of course, we all knew that France and I only put our faces together for show, our lips did not even touch. And just like that, BR ended with a sweet proposal and an affectionate hug. All in all, I really enjoyed the project. It was challenging but I had so much fun and, through it, gained our wonderful brotherhood.

In TWM, our characters were much more intimate. There were so many kissing, hugging, and bed scenes. The first episode was difficult to grasp. It started with a "reluctant" kiss during the card game, then a "surprised" kiss from your character when mine was supposedly half-asleep due to alcohol intoxication, then came deeper kisses and a passionate bed scene. With the PD's guidance, we only had to discuss very little about our movements for each take. Somehow, we just spontaneously understood each other and acted very smoothly.

As our characters developed, we also became bolder or, shall I say, more intrepid in subsequent scenes. I am thankful that we could be so comfortable with each other to be able to convey the expected intimacy for our characters. We were fully absorbed and did well. So well that I felt stuck in my character for a couple of months after the filming ended. That was the main reason I decided to fulfill my monk ordination last January. I needed to take a break from work, from you, and from the persona of my character. Thus, for 5 days prior to and 3 weeks during the ordination, I lived a simple but strict daily routine, spending most of my time in prayers, fasting, and meditation to shake that role off of me, to become ME again. For each of those days when I first opened my eyes at 3:30 in the morning, the first thing I did was to appreciate the blessing of being alive, then I would mentally remind myself of the person called ME before getting up to prepare for the bintabaht. It may sound odd to you or to anyone else, but I really had worked so freaking hard to shed my character. You probably did not have any problem as you are naturally talented, unlike me who had to pay the price for trying to get into THE dram·a·tis per·so·na. And I thought I had succeeded, until the nightly dreams occurred. Looking back, it seemed that I could never really shed my character, I was still comfortable with physical contact toward/from you anywhere, anytime, as if it has become a part of me, a part of our relationship. I wonder if that will still be the case if we are to meet again in 5 or 10 years...

11:00 AM, July 24th, 2018 - Hawaii

I fell asleep on the couch last night. No dream. I guess I thought too much of us so my brain cells were already over-stimulated. It turned out well, after all. My growth hormones could work properly at last. :')

The weather was perfect, partially cloudly and breezy. I washed up and decided to stroll the island for a few hours.

The first stop was for brunch, at Cinnamon's just downstairs of Ilikai. No wait for a Tuesday noon. People must have partied too diligently last night.

I was able to chose a table with harbor view, turning my back to the rest of the patrons. Not because I am at all famous in town. I just wished to keep this trip private. Hence, the loner's back view was the only way to ensure that no one would serendipitously recognize me or unwittingly snap a picture with my face in the background.

I enjoyed an order of crabcake eggs benedicts with rib-eye steak and an orange passion mimosa. Such a refreshing combination! Then for the next hour, I just leisurely sipped their specialty Hawaiian blend coffee, looking out into the harbor. The island was still lazy in the early afternoon haze with not much activity. I reckoned that you would also like to vacation to Honolulu, sit at this exact spot, in the same atmosphere, eat the same food, and appreciate this same picturesque view. But, perhaps, with your girlfriend.

The coffee tasted more bitter all of the sudden. I gestured the waiter for a large bottle of water and the check.

It is 2.7 miles from here to Coren's office. Prepared with sneakers, a cap, sun glasses, and now water, I elected to stroll along Ala Moa boulevard to Ala Moa Park drive to see the waves. It was reaching 88°F. People were sun-tanning on colorful beach towels along the sand stretch. They seemed to indulge in it but all I could see was the potential of skin cancers. I guess one has to live in the constant blast of Southeast Asia's sun to instill the fear of UV rays. But life can be too short to worry about a slow-developing skin condition, right?

It took me over one and a half hours to reach Kaka'ako Waterfront Park. Walking along the rocky beach, all I could hear were the sound of waves crashing into the rocks and the cries from albatrosses mixed with those of pelicans. One could feel so humbled in front of the vast ocean and the perceived powerful forces of nature. Again, I was reminded of the ephemerality of life. I thought of you.

From the center of the park, I headed on Cooke street and followed Ala Moana boulevard toward Alakea street for Coren's office. People appeared to be pouring into pier 2 cruise terminal. There must have been an afternoon cocktail or dinner cruise featuring a favorite band.

I arrived on Alakea, across from the Bishop street side of Coren's building. It was only a little after 4PM, too early to show my face. Hungry and tired, I made an emergency stop at Starbucks for a bottle of Sweet Greens & Lemon plus a chicken quinoa salad and 2 passion fruit iced teas under Max. I would have to spell my name otherwise. :') The place was well populated by office workers who probably came for a quick afternoon coffee break. I found a small table hidden behind the mugs display with no chair, then just stood there, devouring the whole salad and green vegetable juice before they call Max.

4:40 PM, July 24th, 2018 - Hawaii

I headed across the street with the teas. Once again, the office was empty. I found Coren in a conference room, munching on cookies, watching a Youtube video about our instagram stories of each other. He greeted me with an ecstatic smile, likely because I caught him studying us.

"You are early." Coren shouted while standing up to hug me. "Did you get the chance to tour the island?"

"Yes, I did. Too much walking in a day. Your drink, bro." I said, handed him a passion fruit tea. "I need to take a leak."

Coren quickly pointed to the left. "Then meet me in my office down the hall. Two doors to the right of this conference room."

I nodded, charging down the hall. I took the time to wash my face and brush my teeth. It's rare to come by an office restroom fully supplied with comfort items for clients as this. I felt refreshed.

I knocked and opened the door to Coren's office. What a change! His room decor was completely different from the Hawaiian-styled office yesterday, with tall glass windows and contemporary furnitures in soft purple, navy blue, and pink theme. It strangely pleased my eyes.

Coren signaled for me to sit on the long couch while he placed his laptop on the coffee table, lowering his body into the chair opposite of the TV mounted on the wall. I placed my hat and sunglasses next to the vase of pink roses and made myself comfortable on the couch.

"I bet you spent a lot of thoughts on my question since yesterday. Did you learn anything of importance?" Coren looked at me while reaching for the remote to turn on the TV screen. With my chin still pointing downward, I slowly looked up at him, frowning, biting my lips, hesitant to answer this question.

Coren shook his head, reached over to his laptop to cast something to the TV. "Relax and watch this. No need to look at me. Just be yourself." He commanded while handing me my passion fruit drink. I took a sip, then laid down with my head on the pillows opposite of the TV, legs completely off the floor. Coren hit the play button. Without any particular order, he casted all behind-the-scene and instagram videos of you and me to the TV one right after another.

I focused on the screen. This was the first time I got to watch these videos without feeling any external pressure. I didn't have to worry about editing the images, or pay attention to other people's reaction. I think I was smiling the entire time, fondly remembering my feelings. Occasionally, I would glance at Coren. He was smiling as well, but did not convey any other emotion. It took over an hour.

I sat up after Coren turned off the screen. He was already sitting with his back against the chair, legs crossed at the knees, elbows rested on the arm rests, swirling the fruit drink in his right hand but moving only his wrist. He took a sip from the cup as I drank mine. Then, he looked at me with a genuine smile and asked: "What is your definition of love, Knock?"

"I am sure you are not asking me about the love between parents and children, or between siblings, comrades, or countrymen." I cleared my throat and slowly began. "I think of romantic love as an unexplainable desire to see and to be with the other person. In my view, a mature love would empower one to be as tolerant, as patient, and as giving as its depth. Love is not just an emotion. I view it as a psycho-physiological reaction. All the sensations perceived through sight, audio, olfaction, taste, and touch stimulate our sensory neurons and produce specific electrical signals that travel along cranial nerves to the brain stem and cerebellum. Here, these signals are processed and resulted in distinct physiological responses such as blushing, heart race, blinking, sweating, faster breathing, smiling, pupil dilation, etc OR the opposite effects. All of these data are then stored in the limbic system and various brain cortexes. Love is the PARTICULAR nexus of all senses that are triggered by a SPECIFIC individual in another SPECIFIC individual. It becomes psychological when one attains the ability to resume one or many of these physiological responses upon a real-life trigger (by that person), upon a mentioning (by a third-party), or upon a personal mental command (by choice). That is why most people can't explain why they love certain someone. Simply because the phenomenon is too complex. The signals and responses only resonate with very specific people."

"What come to your mind when I mention Korn?" Coren interrupted me, still kept his eye fastened to his notebook, scribbling, then suddenly looked up at the end of the sentence. "Did I just see a reflexive smile?"

So it was. I smiled at the mentioning of your name.

I winked at Coren, playfully pointed my right index finger at him. I got caught by him and by myself. It was a very brief moment of confession, not a divulgence but more like an acceptance. After rubbing my face multiple time with both hands and took another deep breath, I continued.

"Korn? Just sitting here, I can recall every inch on his face. I can imagine his scent. I can picture his smiley eyes. I can see his back. I can sense his touch, his embrace. At times, I can read what he wants just by looking at his facial expression. I want to take care of him. I enjoy my time with him. I am happy when I am around him. I want to see him." I paused, looked into Coren's eyes. "But is it love? Am I not being misled by my character's emotions? Isn't there a psychological condition experienced by actors after a role? Have I not de-roled well enough?"

"You are not lost in character, Knock. If it were the case, you would be treating all other cast members the same way your character would treat them. You would bring your character's persona home or out into the public. You would identify yourself as the role. Are these things happening? As far as I can discern, you also did not practice what they call Method Acting in which an actor actually live and breath their role, like drinking poison, losing weight, developing morning sickness, acting out major scenes, etc just to "become" the character. When you talked to Korn, did you think of him as his character, a gay guy? If the answer is no to both questions, then you are not stage-stuck, Knock. You are yourself."

Coren stopped, allowing me time to reflect before he continued.

"I spent hours since our meeting yesterday watching your and Korn's cuts from BR and TWM, behind-the-scenes, fancams, instagrams, and interviews, studying your behaviors. The emotions of your drama character were very complex, Knock, as you portrayed them well. But the emotions you conveyed in fancams, instagrams, and interviews were very straightforward. The way you looked at Korn, your gestures, your impulsive reactions toward him only showed genuine care and acceptance. Are you selectively picking only one side of our character's persona to show in real life? I don't know! It could be the case. But everything you did off-screen evinced special affection. I do not want to push you into any direction. BUT, I want to help you clarify that you do not exhibit symptoms of an actor who is lost in his character."

I cleared my throat, blinking fast, grasping the situation.

"If we remove the possibility of you being stuck in your character, how would you define your feeling toward Korn?" Coren added.

"I... ." I stumbled on this question.

"Let me put it this way. At this moment, if you were to have only 1 day to live. What would you wish to happen?"

"I want to be with my family and ... Korn." I spoke, believing that this desire is only natural.

"So, Korn is someone important to you." Coren looked into my eyes again, nodding his head as if he was informing me. "But let us not hastily connect that to romantic love. You will have to determine that for yourself. How is your view on homosexuality, Knock?"

"Ahhhhh. I think homosexuality is only a compound word used to describe the attraction between people of the same biological sex. I notice that the majority of the society still view homosexuality as tabooed, unnatural or, sometimes, immoral. I starred in BR and TWM largely because I want to bring positive change to people's view of same-sex relationships, not because I had personal interest in it at the time. Many also tend to have a misconception that gayness makes a person less manly (for a male) or less woman-like (for a female). As a matter of fact, certain gay men act more feminine because they identify themselves as females. Likewise, certain lesbians act more macho-like because they regard themselves as males. Yet, many gay men remain manly and many lesbians remain graceful. A lesbian couple do not always have a manly woman. A gay couple do not have to have a feminine man. Instead, their union or partnership is solely based on the fact that they are attracted to each other, love each other, and want to be with each other."

"What about gay sex?" Coren interjected.

"Uhmmm. This is a sensitive and very personal topic. But it is also the reason why society still find homosexuality unnatural. Sex is traditionally viewed as a means to procreation. Evolutionarily speaking, yes, sex is a means to reproductivity. However, since as long as human history is recorded, sex has always been an act of pleasure and an expression of love. Whether it is between people of opposite genders, or of same genders, or self-delivered, sex involves stimulation of the genitals to arouse other physiological and psychological responses. So even though gay sex cannot serve the purpose of procreation, it still adequately satisfy other aspects. How could it be unnatural if orgasm can still be achieved? As a matter of fact, the human body structures can accommodate, to be more accurate, can produce the same sensations, same pleasure regardless of whether is it heterosexual or homosexual intercourse. So, what is based upon to say that gay sex is unnatural? Some heterosexual couples are incapable of having children, is that unnatural then? Furthermore, the mistaken notion that gay sex goes hand-in-hand with social diseases are wrong. Sexually transmitted diseases affect same-sex and opposite-sex individuals the same way. The probability of acquiring and transmitting an STD during an unprotected sexual intercourse is the same for both cases. Infidelity is more of a culprit than homosexuality in this matter." I stopped again, looking at Coren, then drank some more from my cup.

"What about homosexuality and familial structure?" Coren sounded more challenging.

"I could see how this part of a homosexual relationship is troubling many people, both insiders and outsiders. Should both men be husbands of each other? Should both women be wives of each other? Or should one man/one woman be the husband and the other be the wife? Again, because same-sex union is so new, the society still has not worked out a way to appropriately categorize it. Should a new word be added to the dictionary? Maybe. Maybe not. Why does it have to be "husband" or "wife"? Won't partners, companions, spouses, soulmates suffice? In terms of raising children, I don't see why some opponents of same-sex union are so overly concerned. Of course, child-rearing is always a difficult task. When the child starts to question his/her family structure, how an explanation is executed would determine the understanding and the mental state of that child. Why do I have two dads or two moms while my friends have a mom and a dad? A scientifically biological and psychological answer can be prepared well to address that with no problem. Concerned that this child may be teased or picked on by peers with heterosexual parents? This is rightfully a collective societal concern. To address this, both homosexual and heterosexual parents have to do their part in helping their respective children understand that all love is equal, that all parenthood is sacred, and that every person should be treated with courtesy and respect. But these problems are unavoidable in recent times, simply because our society at large has just begun to be exposed to this family structure, just in very recent history. Thus, time is needed. A good parent is not determined by gender, but by the love and care given." I paused, finished the last gulp of my passion fruit drink.

Coren smiled contentedly, closing his notebook. "Let's continue over dinner. I already informed my wife this morning. She is having a spa date with her college classmates. I hope you still like Italian food."

I nodded and stood up to gather my belongings, then headed to the lavatory. My mind was clear and calm. Answering Coren's questions allowed me to recall and solidify my views on these socially sensitive and controversial subjects.

We drove to Vino on Ala Moana boulevard. It's past 8:00 o'clock so the place is packed from the bar tops to the tables. Luckily, Coren already reserved a table earlier in the day. We were seated in a private room that was used for day-time wine-tasting classes. A bottle of 2013 Ceretto Barbaresco and various appetizers were sequentially served.

"I already ordered ahead. I hope I still remember your taste." Coren explained. "I picked seafood bolognese pasta for your entree. Has it been 6 years since we last came here with your mom?"

I nodded, reaching out for my wine glass. Yes, time flies. That year, mom suddenly decided to visit Honolulu right after our Belgium trip. She did not give any explanation but I knew she needed it just by the look on her face when she "informed" the family. So I quietly accompanied her. Perhaps she had some memories to recollect. We befriended Coren while strolling the island. Back then, he just opened his office and barely had clients. So he spent most of his days on the beach. Talking with him made mom feel better. And that was a reason I came to see him this time.

"I want you to know that I appreciate you, Coren. Thanks for being here for me, bro." I said, raising my glass at him.

Coren clinked his glass on mine, smiled while chewing his bite of cheese and prosciutto. Then he took a sip of the wine and said: "Anytime, Knock. I am happy that you felt comfortable enough to come to me with your concern. This is when I truly feel that my years of training is meaningful, when I can actually do something for my families and friends." He smiled at me and took another sip from his glass.

After the desserts were served, Coren resumed his profession. "You mentioned yesterday that you are not gay, Knock. If you come to accept your love for Korn, will you maintain the same opinion?"

I ate the last spoonful of my chocolate gelato, drank some water, and signaled for my plate to be cleared. Then, I leaned my back against the chair, placed my loosely clenched hands on my thighs. "I find some females enticing too, bro." I winked at Coren with a smile. "Also, I don't have the same feelings as I have for Korn toward any other man. I would rather not use a label for this. Of course, there is nothing negative about being gay. But at the moment, I do not identify myself as gay, bro. I am a manly man. Korn is a manly man. I believe that if he were a woman, my feelings for him would still oscillate within the same spectrum."

"Is Korn attracted to men?" Coren inquired.

"He has a girl friend, bro." I closed my eyes briefly, rubbing the wrinkles just formed on my forehead with my right index finger, and forced out a smile. Coren let out a soft "Ahh!". He nodded, then continued to focus on his coconut ice-cream.

"But that's him, bro. I just have to deal with my emotions." I assured Coren.

"Do you understand how difficult it is to love someone knowing that that person will not love you back?" He said, in a quiet voice, still staring at his dessert. "It's tough."

I smiled, shaking my head, couldn't think of what to respond.

Coren set his ice-cream bowl aside, looked at me. "I think you are ready to return to Bangkok, Knock. There is nothing more I can help you regarding this matter. The rest is your work. You have always been clear about your feelings, bro. The feelings have always been there. You only needed to talk to someone, in fact, to hear yourself so you can come to terms with what is happening within you. I only served as your mirror, a questioning mirror to help you organize your thoughts and categorize your emotions. A person with a lucid and open mind like you will survive any circumstance, Knock. Just be yourself. You hear me?" Coren reached over to rub my hair.

In front of this 34 years old man, I felt so supported and respected.

We finished the bottle of wine before Coren called for an Uber. When we were about to leave Vino, I handled him an envelope for his fees but was rejected. "When I come to Bangkok next year, give me 2 days of your time," he bargained, "I will send you an advance notice."

I agreed, giving Coren a big hug. There are no words to describe the bond I feel toward him. He is a big brother and a trusted friend.

Coren dropped me off at Ilikai, then took the same Uber home, leaving his car at Vino's parking lot. He did not allow me to pay for the meals nor Uber cost, saying that I should await my turns for his Thailand trip next year. Oh, brother!

Right after getting back to the room, I changed into gym clothes and headed to Ilikai's fitness center for my daily workout. It's not easy to maintain this body at all, is it? You know it well.

1:40 PM, July 25th, 2018 PCT - In flight

I boarded a KoreanAir Boeing 777 300ER heading for Bangkok at 1:00PM, the earliest flight the hotel staff could arrange for me.

As the aircraft took off, I looked down at the islands, again, feeling thankful to Coren. He was THE perfect person I could think of when I realized that I needed help. He was far enough (almost a third of the globe), ignorant enough (he does not care about my sexual orientation or my acting), and knowledgeable enough (specialized in relationships and gender issues). He was a present from above. He was right. I needed to talk aloud. I needed to hear my justification for all these perplexing emotions. I needed help to feel that it is alright to be ME.

Now, airborne, I have 9 hours before landing in Korea to do some more thinking. I wanted to but could not do so last night. The long walk in Honolulu's July heat and the late-night power workout exhausted me. So after a hot bath, I fell asleep until the hotel alarm service woke me up to prepare for departure.

With all this time and space, I can now calmly ruminate on my affection for you. I closed the shades to my suite, put on headphones, set the acoustic guitar cover of Mayday's Like Smoke (Ru Yan) by ChaoSING on repeat, then closed my eyes.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I don't want to ever have to pose the question as in the song's lyrics. "Is there really that kind of tomorrow that lets me live all over again? To once again experience the yesterday I squandered?"

No, there is really no such "kind of forever, forever unchanging." There is no such "kind of tears that can wash away all remorse." There is also no such "kind of world where the sky never goes dark," no such "kind of rose that never withers," no "bookmark that can stop a day," and no "poem that never ends." So, I don't want to waste a moment to later be filled with regrets. I miss you and love you, Korn. I clearly realized this affection when Coren made me watch our behind-the-scenes and off-screen videos. Every twitch on my brows, my nose, my lips when I was with you and when I looked at you stashed an endearment. It was effortless for me to show sweet gestures toward you in front of the cameras at events because that was how I truly felt. I adore you, Korn, with no lust, no desire to possess, and no wish for reciprocation. You do not need to know of this love. Let it remain a secret known by me alone.

Coren said that unrequited love would be difficult. Oh, it must be! Or else there wouldn't be so many heart-wrenching, soul-touching poems, songs, and novels in roughly 6500 spoken languages. But, I am okay. I am ready to face it head-on. What else can I do but to embrace all the sentiments and circumstances awaiting me ahead? I can't deny what I feel. I also can't impose it on you. This is already a milestone--being able to accept that I love you.

We will resume the filming for TWM:TNC in a few days, with half of the work to finish. I wonder if I will look at you differently, now that I have named my feelings. Perhaps I should keep a professional distance between us. You are in a relationship, so you need more personal space. Or should I treat you as I previously did? But will that go alright? Won't I be carried away and say something suspicious??? I know for sure that I will treasure the time we will spend together on-set better. I will stand a little closer to you during breaks so you can lean on me for as long as you want. I will caress your chin a little longer than I usually did. I will fix your hair/clothes with more diligence. I will pay more attention when you talk to me. But that will be all, Korn. I won't overstep the boundaries you set, because you are not responsible for my feelings.

Strangely, I can already sense a faint sadness and disappointment that will secretly creep over me when you talk about your girlfriend. Geez, I am curious about this heartache.

I bit the right corner of my lower lip, opened my eyes to turn off the music, then called for a flight attendant. I need to eat and, perhaps, a sip of alcohol.

As I was devouring my lunch courses, my mind continued to reason through all possible scenarios of our future encounters.

What if you eventually find out that I care for you more than for an acting partner or a brother? How would I face you then? This thought gave me a chill. It would me BAD. Really bad. You will probably severe our relationship and stop all contact with me. How else could it be? It will probably disgust you to think that I was actually kissing you and meant every moment of it while we were on-set. Even if that was truly not the case, I won't be able to exonerate myself. Who would believe otherwise? Even I wouldn't be able to vow that I was innocent. This would most certainly traumatize you. And I will hate myself if this happens.

What if someone else discover my affection for you? Disaster! Really! There is no secret if another person already knows. But "what is done by night, appears by day." How can this remain hidden forever? Ah, perhaps I will meet and fall in love with a person more charming than you before this nightmare materializes. That would be a perfect solution! But when may that be? I know myself too well to be fooled by that idea. I have never grown tired of or thrown away anything that I have developed a liking for, be it an object, a concept, or a person. You have come to my house, you must know how my mom keeps complaining that half of the house is my storage. You have been around me long enough to notice that I don't refuse anyone's request, because I value every person I know. So far, you are the first person who makes me feel this way, Korn. So I reckon that it will last for a while at least. The day you come to know my feelings and hate me might be the day I leave Thailand for my master's studies and never come back. This thought makes me feel a bit uneasy.

What will I do after the filming of TWM: TNC and all related promotional activities end? As friends, I may get to see you occasionally when we can make time to hang out. And then, maybe in your girlfriend's presence. There will likely be no additional joint projects for years to come. We can't overuse our couple images. Our fans will become bored. The producer and investors won't like to lose profits from selling items featuring Korn7Knock. You may invite me to your wedding, perhaps even ask me to be your best man. Then, everything will be finished, as it should. I will move on with life and will gradually tuck you away in a rarely overturned corner of my memory.

But for now, Korn, I will enjoy my time around you. Until I can no longer tolerate the pain and sadness. Until I am cast away by you. Or until it is officially ended with your marriage. For now, I will continue to assume the role of your co-star, your friend, and your brother but with a little more effort. For now, I am happy. For now, I love you.

11:55 PM July 27th, 2018 - Bangkok

I just existed Suvarnabhumi airport in my manager's vehicle. Only a few minutes left before the day ends in Bangkok time. People are still pouring into the streets. Probably heading home after a fun night. I wonder if you are amongst them, with your girl.

I am happy to be back but feeling a little anxious about tomorrow. For now, good night, world. Good night, love.

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Please share your thoughts on my first attempt. Thanks!