Appalled
I kissed her but thought of your lips. I held her from behind but remembered the warmth of your back. I slept with her but imaged you.
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Get out from my head, Knock! Let me be, fucking bastard! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yet mung!
How much longer are you going to continue haunting me like this? Let me breath a little! It has become so much harder to deal with lately. Damn this desire! Damn this twisted movie-real life confusion! Must I call it quit?
Two seasons completed, the third is almost half way through. We see each other nearly everyday. Why are you still bothering me off-set?
Whenever you came to me in my sleep, I would wake her up and make love to her until I no longer thought of you. But now it's not working. It is not working! I still picture your face, your back, your neck. I still smell your sweaty cologne and hairspray. I still feel your skin rubbing against mine. I still hear your moans, your fast breathing. I still silently call your name when the orgasm comes. I kissed her but thought of your lips. I held her from behind but remembered the warmth of your back. I slept with her but imaged you. So I am fucking frustrated at you!
I hate the fact you are all fine and dandy, while I struggle to juggle between my self-identity and this damn drama character. It's engulfing me by the days. How can you block it all out? Are you so effing dense or is your heart made of marble?
You would show up at the set all cheerful and bubbly every time. Me? I would feel a giant notch in my stomach each of those times, the notch caused by having to contract my muscles in order to prevent myself from screaming your name and running toward you. I tried to avoid your eye contact because it would make my heart tremble. Instead, I would look at your lips to concentrate better on what you were saying. But those damn dangerous lips kept provoking me. Sometimes I thought my intense stare would burn a hole on your lips. So, I would often stand behind you, to hide from it all.
After BR, I started to notice my tendency to make physical contact with you, EVEN when we were on cameras. We just sat on a couch for an interview, and I would freaking find my hand caressing your knee through the cut on you jeans. I was talking to a fan in front of me, and my left hand would reach over to grab your right arm. You simply swang your elbow over my shoulder for the cameras at the airport, and my fingers would automatically extend to hold on to your fingers. You turned over to look at me when you spoke, and my hand would reach up to touch your chin. I did not intend to do any of that. Were you aware? It was not meant for fan service! Those were my reflexes. And it got even worse after finishing TWM.
After watching our fan-cams on Youtube, she would say that you and I acted so well to maintain our BL couple image. I would smirk at her comments and went into another room, trying to rub you off my mind.
You are nowhere to be seen for the past four days. Yes, PD announced a one-week break for the whole team. But that does not mean that we can't meet. Not seeing you for so long is driving me insane.
When you were away on your voluntary ordination, did you know how many times I purposefully came to see you? The day you went away, my heart sank during our photo shoot. Those 3 weeks was fucking unbearably long.
After you got back, we did ONE event for Paul Smith when you told me that same night that you decided to explore Spain for 10 days. Why must I give a damn?
So I went to Bali for those days, surrounded myself by the blue ocean, be among the lush green tranquility. I kept reminding myself that "we travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us." How ironic! I was damn sure that I wanted to escape life. What was it again? "All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast?" Where was my happiness? I was wondering where you were sleeping in Spain the moment I woke up. Ah ha! "Some angels fall, some mortals fly." You fell, angel, through the thickness of the Earth to the other side of the globe to be in Spain; while I was flying the Bali swing in Ubud.
But I felt so down and alone. It was freaking difficult for me to put on a smile on those days. You must have been all smiley during your Spain exploration, to see the creations of the architect idols you worship.
I tried to calm myself down. I even went surfing on a dangerous windy day, just to remind myself of how tiny I and my problems are, amidst the vast deep water where violent currents of Indian and South Pacific oceans clash. I was willing to go through such length, but it still did not work, Knock!
So I found myself eagerly preparing to head over to Kuala Lumpur, for our #IssueThailand summer 2018 photo shoot. You would come straight to KL from Spain. Spotted you afar behind the airport exit windows, I was trying hard to refrain from smiling ear to ear. I bet those eyes were twinkling under them chick shades.
I could not remove myself from you for the rest of the day. Of course, I was glued to you for the remainder of the shoot.
After that we came back to Bangkok, busy prepping for our April 8th fan meeting in Manila. Then off you went again, for over 2 weeks, to New Zealand to visit your dad. I kept myself busy during that time. But "real feelings don't just go away." I was awaiting your return for TWM:TNC to begin rolling.
In May, things were still not improved for me. Don't freaking jokingly tell me "like if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me." Don't think that I wouldn't come to Cannes to find you. You left me here with all promotional events for TNC so you could attend the festival. Bastard! We could have gone together!
It's been almost 3 months filming TNC, all the daily romance and conflict scenes. I hope it will turn out well as I have invested all my feelings into this. I meant every kiss, very hug, very touch. But you would never know. It would effing freak you out to know that I had to occasionally run into the restroom to regain my composure after some of those retakes. What a creep! You MUST never know!
During all this time, I have gradually changed. I have smiled less. I have also looked up at you less often. My eyes seem to be intensely looking for something farther away, perhaps something non-existent, like the accursed possibility of US.
You probably did not know that your Instagram post for my birthday brought more sorrow than smiles to my eyes. It was genuinely sweet. I was touched because of your efforts and your caring words. But your promise to always be there for me tore me inside out. It won't be the case, Knock, unless you also fucking love me. It will never be! You think of me as your "brother". A damn fine brother! But has it occurred to you where my bright shiny smile disappeared to?
Where have you been hiding for the past days? Did you sense it, my creepy affection? Is that why you are avoiding me? Yet!
I may be on the verge of breaking down if things continue to be like this. I miss you to the point of getting irritated at everyone else. I yelled at her this morning when she asked for a brunch date. I have been ignoring her too much. She must have known, that I changed and how I changed. I have not been smiling at her, buying her gifts, complementing on her stylish clothes or her new shopping channels. I have not touched her since I kissed you on our last set. She was no longer HER, but she was not YOU. So, I yelled. So, she cried. But I had no patience and emotions left to care about her hurt. My mind only had you. My heart only had you. My body only desired for you. So I said the break-up line I had never imagined I would say to her, this drop-dead gorgeous girl who was sobbing in front of me. "Somewhere deep down there's a decent man in me, he just can't be found." That afternoon, she left, along with all of her traces. My five-year-long relationship ended just that quickly, as if it had never started. It did not torment me. It did not sadden me. It did not even seem to mean anything to me in that moment. I just missed you.
Did you just fucking show up for the August 2nd shoot as if nothing happened? Did not even bother to tell me why you were absent or what was going on. You were distant and quiet that whole day. I was extremely worried but couldn't muster up my courage to say shit. The whole day felt suffocating. A sharp pain kept drilling in my chest but I did not know what to do.
Something serious was on your mind. Must be it--the shit I have been scared of! But I won't bring it up on my own. If it bothers you, you should say your damn thoughts first. Or else, I will let it eat at you, like it's been eating at me from within.
For the past few days, I would be awaken by that same freaking nightmare. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, so I would wake up every time you called my name in the dream, afraid that you would ask me to fuck off. Can't I just love you like this, Knock?
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Thoughts, my dears?
"Yet!" = Fuck! in Thai
"Yet mung!" Fuck you! in Thai
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