By the mid-evening, I was sweeping up with a plan to mop in the end. Felix was wisely keeping off the floor, one half level up behind the white lattice separating our office from the main floor. A small staircase was between us, and I already longed for him. I could even hear him behind the lattice, but even this thin, holey wood was too much. 

I had to concentrate. Pushing my broom forward, getting the last of the hair. We were getting ready for our weekly bible study group. It was Wednesday, proudly displayed on the calendar on the community board. A big green circle was around the date, Felix's neat lettering saying it was bible study night. Everyone would know, but we'd end up with our usual group. Sometimes we had surprises, but it was usually the same. I so looked forward to seeing them all. Focusing on something positive, rather than all the negativity that had come from today. 

Trying to go over in my head, what I wanted to focus on in bible study. A subject to think about for everyone, a starting point to talk about. We'd started this group years ago, because I really wanted to show what was in the bible. Tell people what it really said. Compare editions, show them the differences. Hear their knowledge, too. Learn from everyone who I already loved. All of this information a collective force, learning a little more every week. Discussing together what we thought. This was definitely not the bible study of our parents. It was all our own, more of a Socratic session, as Felix liked to put it. Not meant to tear the bible apart, but rather to lift it up as what it actually was.

There's so much fear surrounding this book. We wanted to break it down, remove some of that fear. In that way, it could be healing for all. I knew it certainly was for me, but it had taken years. So many years, of our study group's love and understanding. 

A long time ago, I'd been so lost. Trying to hide it, but I couldn't hide anything from Felix. He'd been hurt by the church too, but in different ways than me. His pain was mostly about fitting in, being told constantly that he had to be a certain way. Not only that he had to be straight, but that his hair had to be a certain way. He had to wear certain clothes. He had to behave a certain way. And if he didn't, it was worse than death. His church would cast others out so easily. Such as, if ladies wore a certain skirt length in their community, they risked their whole family being ex-communicated. So therefore, his parents were very tight with him and his brothers. This had scarred him horribly. The way I had to fight to tell him the truth. That this book wasn't about any of that. It took our bible studies, which I had fought to hold after hours in the salon, begging him because I needed it for myself, to heal him as much as he had. We both had a long way to go. It wasn't magic. It could never be magic. But there was love there. Our community, similarly hurt but all so different, was full of love that maybe the book sometimes didn't have. 

Still, my mind wandered away from Felix. It wandered to that lady today. That awful word she'd said. I'd heard it a lot in my life, but every time it was jarring. Utterly unexpected, but always there in people's stomachs. Ready to come out like volcanic vomit, to hurt everybody. That's all that word was, hurt. It was just like what some people thought of the bible, just there to hurt and control others. But this word was the true evil. There was no separating this word, no breaking it apart to try to understand the meanings. The meaning was right there on the surface, a bold shout to upset everyone. That's all it would ever be. 

The more I thought about the word, from this otherwise kind lady I'd befriended on the phone, the more I wanted Felix. Hadn't I won that lady over? Hadn't we been joking together? But the second she saw us... I'd broken it down. What she must have seen as soon as she walked through the doorway. Joao in drag, all of us gathered around Toshi and joking and laughing, maybe that most of us had long hair, my bright clothes, all of it. What about that picture had filled her with hate? I knew the obvious answers, but I didn't want to let them into my heart. That beautiful image, but all she saw was something to condemn. 

"Felix?" I couldn't help myself. Calling out to him like a child. He always knew what to do, anyway. Three years older than me, but always wiser than the world. Always leading me forward to a future I couldn't ever imagine, since the day I met him. Trusting him, a full trust. He never let me down, not even once. Surely this time would be the same. 

"Yes?" Even that single word was dripping with his Virginian accent. A uniquely warm accent, I'd learned. I knew every cadence of it, every turn. That single word comforted me so much more than I could ever comfort myself. 

"Can you come here a minute?" I leaned on my broom, aware of the time, but I needed to do this. 

"Sure." The sound of him gathering up the things he was working on. Slipping and sliding papers. The sound of our heavy, black stapler clonking onto the desk. The clicking of a couple of pens. He was making sure it was in order so he could return to it. He didn't intend to stay with me for long, maybe expecting a short chat. But something in my body was telling me it was going to be a long one. 

His heavy boots soothed my soul as they tromped on the creaky wood of the elevated floor. As he appeared from behind the lattice, I let out a silent sigh. Gone were those boyhood days of that cute, too childlike face. I didn't miss it. To watch him mature, it was always my dream. His eyes had sunken a little bit as the youthful fat went away. There were creases around his mouth from too many smiles. Small lines on his forehead told the story of his confusion at me when I said obnoxious or out of this world things that he couldn't believe. And my favorite feature, around his temples, his light brown hair had begun to gray. How much I loved running my fingers through it. That in particular showed how far we'd come. How much we'd grown up together. It's all I'd wanted the second I'd realized I'd fallen in love with him, so many years ago. 

"What is it?" he asked, but I could tell he already knew. He was too smart, and I loved that about him. He let out that customary sigh. "Is it that lady? Miss Pam? Are you still thinking about her? It's over with now. We'll never see her again. Better to think of the future things. Did you know Brian is bringing a pasta to bible study? You hate that, right? Promise me you'll eat some of it. He tries so hard."

Brian was a barber, renting a chair from us every month. We'd told him he didn't have to have this arrangement, we'd hire him full on, but he liked being independent and working for himself. That was something I could respect. But, I couldn't think about Brian now. I leaned my broom against the wall, prepared to launch it into it.

"I appreciate the pasta-"

"No, you don't." Said with a cute smirk.

"-but I really am thinking about Miss Pam."

His crossed his arms, all knowing. Satisfied with this. They immediately uncrossed, though. They went around me instead. They were so warm, so quickly reminding me of what I had. We were nearly the same height, so my face perfectly fit on his shoulder. Burying it in there as I hugged him so tight. I felt his large hands on my back, the very shape of them calling something inside, trying to release me. Anything I had to say, no doubt about it the comfort of those hands were all I needed. I liked to watch them all day, working on clients' hair and shaving and waxing people. Doing so many millions of things, even the way he held his fork. I loved them pressed against me the most, though. That was my forever.

"Why did she have to go and say that," I said, not a question. 

"Because she's ignorant. You said she was mad already that day. She got banned from her salon. Can you imagine if you got banned from here? How lost you'd be. I bet she felt lost. I've been thinking about her, too. Trying to sympathize, I suppose. That's the only way I can rationalize it, I think. You're always talking about forgiveness, so I'm thinking about a way."

He never used to be this open about his thoughts. It had taken a long time, and sometimes I wished we hadn't opened that Pandora's box. Like this time, he often said truths that I didn't want to hear. Where was my stoic, tight lipped farm boy from days past? But he'd just tell me that his family's ranch was not a farm, for the billionth time.

"I don't think I can forgive her."

He let out that puff of a sigh again, no doubt the lines in his forehead deepening, perhaps permanently. "You? Right." Those warm hands tightened on my back and I felt my own sigh in my chest, silent from him. 

"No, I don't think I can."

"She embarrassed herself. That's all it is," he kept on. "She came in here and embarrassed herself. She said that to complete strangers. What kind of pathetic person says that word to complete strangers? She didn't even know who we are, or if we really qualified for that word at all. Imagine if we'd been straight, all of us? How stupid she'd look."

My face buried more into his shoulder, enjoying him. No doubt he felt that weight. Was I comforting him, too? I wanted to hold him all night, with this thought. 

"Maybe."

"Yes, maybe. That's all I've really got. Maybe think of it this way: are there any stories in the bible that have a situation like this? Maybe someone very hard to forgive. Who could that be? You know the answer. There are many. Was anyone not forgiven? I can think of a few. Maybe then, by that example, it's not necessary to forgive her. But, we're taught kindness. Treat others as you want to be treated. Isn't that a contradiction? To never forgive someone, and to have clear examples of this? What lessons can we learn?" 

I wanted to smack him, but I only held him closer. Wanting to become one body with him, despite not liking what he was saying. I might not agree, but it was resonating with me. To hear those words come out of his mouth. I felt so proud of him that I didn't know what to do. Not long ago, he'd never say these things. He had no idea how true his speaking was to my heart. Or, maybe he did, and that's why he was trying so hard. Providing comfort this way, making me think of it differently in terms I could understand. 

"Maybe."

"Yes, maybe. You're being so quiet. Aren't you usually the one lecturing me? Maybe we should make this the subject of bible study tonight. Let's come up with stories of where people were not forgiven. Let's discuss them. Isn't that idea freeing? Not forgiving somebody?"

I shook my head as much as I dared, not wanting to give up my position. "It's not freeing. Everyone deserves compassion."

"Do they, though? You think Hitler deserves compassion?"

I sighed hard. "Oh, Felix..."

"How about Stalin? How about Ivan the Terrible? Or was it the Horrible...one of those. The guy they based Dracula on used to impale people through the-"

This was the Felix I was most familiar with. The one I'd spent the most time with. Cynical, skeptical, completely Atheist and contrary and wonderful. The all night fights we'd gotten into. Was this the start of another amazing one?

"Feeelix," I warned into his collarbone, my fingers becoming like claws on the back of his neat, pink plaid shirt. The one I had just bought him from the department store around the corner.

"-how about McCarthy, how about Andrew Jackson, how about the guy who shot Abraham Lincoln-"

"I love you, but please. Pleeease, Felix."

He'd detected a change in my tone. Something playful, but exasperated. The deep rumble of a chuckle started in his chest before it came out of his mouth. I felt every bit of it. His shoulder began to go up and down and it just made a smile spring to my face unintentionally. Beginning to be mad, but how could I be mad? I was laughing before he even let out a sound. 

Standing here in our own beauty parlor, laughing together. Hugging, trying to make the other feel better. That's all I wanted. That's all I'd ever wanted, since I met him. I just hadn't realized it for a while, a few wasted months. 

As I held on and laughed with him, ever so briefly, I forgot why I was upset. Focused instead on my darling boy, my beautiful man. Lost in his touch and assuring tight hug. Loving him, with every part of myself.