"Still awake, Will?"

"Yeah... I c-can't sleep..."

"How about I tell you a bedtime story?"

"O-okay."

"Once upon a time..."

----------------------

In a far-off kingdom, a beautiful girl named Y/N lived in a peaceful village.  Life moved slowly for the town, all living their lives in harmony, and everyone agreed it was a wonderful place to live.

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour!"

Except for one person...

"For Pete's sake, would you all please STOP SINGING?!"

"Sorry, Y/N!"

Walking quickly and trying to ignore the villagers who burst into song around her, Y/N strode into the bookstore and slammed the contents of her basket onto the counter.

"I'd like to trade these in, please, and make it snappy," she instructed.  "I want to get back through the crowd of backup singers before you-know-who shows up."

"Of course, Miss Y/N," the clerk said, snatching up the books she'd brought.

Y/N picked up the book she'd checked out most frequently.  "I'm totally keeping this one, by the way.  It's full of gratuitous violence and swearing."

"Whatever makes you stop coming in here so often," the clerk snapped, shoving two more books into her arms and propelling her towards the door.  "Have a lovely day, miss."

"Well, screw you too!" Y/N muttered as she stormed out the door.

"Look there, he goes!" she heard someone sing.  Y/N picked up her pace.  There's only one person they could be singing about.  If I can just make it through this courtyard and past the choir before the song ends, I can—

A hand grabbed her arm from behind.

Oh, crap.

"Dipper!" she said through a clenched smile.  "What a lovely surprise."

"Where are you off to in such a hurry, milady?" Dipper asked with a sleazy smile.  "It's almost like you're avoiding me or something."

The smile turned into a grimace.  "Yeah. Or something."

Y/N honestly couldn't tell what Dipper's personal fangirl chorus saw in him.  Sure, he was handsome, but that weird birthmark on his forehead was a bit off-putting.  In addition, he was shallow, self-absorbed, and condescending.  Not to mention, his hair had more mousse than the hunting trophies mounted on his wall, he dressed like a Chicago mobster who had accidentally joined the circus, and his sister was absolutely unbearable.

"So, little lady, what's in the basket?  Anything for me?" Dipper leaned uncomfortably close with a nauseating smirk.

"Just the books, which I could introduce to your head at high velocity if you're interested," Y/N said, tugging her arm free from his grasp.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, keeping up the smirk.  "If I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't like me."

"Finally, a breakthrough!" Y/N exclaimed sarcastically.  "You are correct, sir.  In fact, I loathe you.  Your presence sickens me."

Dipper leered.  "It's cute when women play hard to get."

"Are you KIDDING ME!" Y/N shouted, drawing stares from the villagers who had gone back to minding their own business once the song had ended.  "Can you REALLY be this dense?!"

"What do you mean?" Dipper asked, seeming genuinely confused.

"READ. MY. LIPS." Y/N shouted.  "LEAVE ME ALONE!"  With that, she slapped him across the face and tried to storm off.  Even still, Dipper tried again to block her path.

"Come on, darling, you don't mean- AAAAAAUGH!" he screeched as Y/N pulled out the pepper spray she had brought in her basket for just such an eventuality and unleashed its scorching payload into his face.

Dipper collapsed, clutching his face and bellowing in pain, and Y/N stepped over him to continue on her way.  The villagers scurried to give her a wide berth, each afraid to be next to draw Y/N's ire.

"Dad, why does everyone hate me?" Y/N whined when she arrived at her own cottage.  Slamming the door behind her, she sagged against it with a dramatic sigh.

The cottage was small but comfortable, with a kitchen, two bedrooms, and a yard with chickens.  All the available free space was taken with disassembled machine parts and half-constructed inventions.  Blueprints covered the table, and sketches were tacked up on every inch of the walls to cover the scorch marks.

"They just don't understand you, sweetie," Stanford said, flipping up his goggles to see her.

"I take from context that it didn't go well?" Y/N asked him, taking in his soot-blasted face and singed clothing.

"That depends on what you define as 'well,'" Stanford hedged.  "Nobody died when the machine exploded, and it was eventually ruled an accident, so I'd call this progress."

"Don't worry, Daddy," Y/N said, helping him wipe the soot off his face.  "You'll kill someone next time."

"Your confidence in me is unshakable as always, but rather unfounded, my dear," Stanford said sadly.  "All joking aside, my machines are terrible at working for their intended purpose."

"But they always do something, right?" Y/N said encouragingly.  "Your modified thresher tore the arms off a farmer, and your improved steam engine drove a train at such breakneck speeds that it jumped the tracks and careened right off a cliff!"

Stanford chuckled ruefully.  "My inventions are always so dangerous, I decided to change tack and try to make war machines, but they've never killed or injured a human being!"

"But it did frighten the local wildlife," Y/N pointed out.  "You'll figure it out, Daddy.  I'll be rooting for you from a safe distance."

"That's my girl," he said affectionately.  "Now, how about we have dinner?"

--------------------

"Still not asleep, Blueberry?"

"I-I want to hear more..."

"Aww, you're sweet.  Want some hot cocoa?"

"Y-yes, please."

----------------------

There was a knock at the door.

"Dad, the door!"

No answer.  He must still be out traipsing through the spooky forest.  I'd better check on him later, Y/N thought as she opened the door.

"Hello, beautiful," Dipper said flirtatiously.

Y/N slammed the door in his face.  She tried to block it from opening again, but Dipper threw himself against the other side, sending her flying.

"Oh, go crawl back into the sewer from whence you came!" Y/N snarled, scrambling to her feet.  "Are you stalking me or something?  How did you find out where I live?!"

"I have friends in high places," he boasted.  "Put down the knife, please, I only want to talk to you."

Without taking her eyes off him, Y/N slowly put the knife back in the concealed sheath it had come from.  "I'm not interested in anything you have to say."

"Oh, I'm betting you'll be interested in this," Dipper purred flirtatiously.

Y/N crossed her arms.  "You have five seconds.  Talk."

"Y/N, I've loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you," Dipper began.

"Your five seconds are up," Y/N interrupted, shoving him towards the door.  Undaunted, he continued.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I want you to spend the rest of your life with me."  He pulled a box out of a pocket in his ridiculous cape and opened it to reveal a ring.  "Y/N, will you marry me?"

Y/N froze, speechless for only a moment.  "Of all the— Dipper, why would you ever— No!  Just no!"

"No?" he repeated, seeming genuinely astonished.  "Why not?"

"Dipper, have you NEVER listened to a SINGLE WORD I've ever said?  You are the single most repulsive human being I've ever had the misfortune of meeting!  I despise you!  I loathe you!  I want you and your stupid ring to get OUT OF MY HOUSE!"  At the last words, Y/N finally managed to shove Dipper out the door.  He was too shocked to resist as she slammed the door on him once again and locked it.

"AND STAY OUT!" she shouted.

She pressed her ear to the door until she was sure she'd heard him leave, then cleared a space at the table and wrote a checklist on the back of a technical diagram.

To-Do List:

Take out the trash. Check!

Find Dad in the spooky forest.  Not check.

Y/N stood up from the table, already mentally preparing the things she'd need to pack.  Guess I'm going into the spooky forest.  Oh joy.

(A/N: This is my new book!  I'm really excited about it.  Please tell me what you think of it!

Edit: I get a lot of questions about the dialogue in italics, so let's clear it up: This bedtime story is taking place in my UnWilling series, where "Y/N" (you) is roommates with ex-demons Bill and Will.  Sorry for any confusion!!)