There were a few things I never failed to do before a show. Rehearsing as if my life depended on it, making sure everything ran smoothly, and getting enough sleep were the usual items on my pre-concert checklist. 

This time, getting enough rest proved to be a daunting task. It was four a.m. when I finished writing the lyrics of a song I wasn't planning on including in our setlist.

I rubbed my eyes and stared at the scribbled lines before opening the laptop and typing the lyrics. I wanted to run the song by Cay, but there was another person whose opinion mattered to me even more.

A substantial amount of caffeine I consumed woke me up some. With my hand on the steering wheel and my thoughts at the arena, I drove down the familiar tree-lined driveway.

As soon as I'd parked, I grabbed the page with the lyrics and got out of the car.

Quiet greeted me when I entered the nursing home reception. The sound of my footsteps echoed in the building. I glanced at the empty chair Cora usually sat on and stilled, debating my next step.

"Jim."

I swiveled my head at the sound of Cora's voice. The smile I was going to greet her with died on my lips. 

Cora's red-rimmed eyes paused on the crumpled white page in my hands before landing on my face.

"I'm sorry, Jim. Alfie passed away last night."

"What?" I choked out, unwilling to let the meaning of the words sink in.

"I'm sorry. I was going to call you."

I leaned against the wall by the entrance and pinched the bridge of my nose, swallowing the tears that threatened to escape. 

A warm hand landed on my bicep, squeezing gently. "You need to know that you made a difference in his life. You made him happy, and he looked forward to your visits."

I nodded. "When's the funeral?"

Cora gave me another sympathetic look. "Tomorrow."

"Text me where, okay?" I managed to say before leaving the building, keeping my eyes off the garden and the familiar bench under the trees. If I looked at it, I would hear the sound of Alfie's accordion and his words about me getting married and having a big, happy family.

I visited him, but it wasn't enough. I could have, should have done so much more. 

I put the key in the ignition with one hand and wiped the wetness off my cheeks with the other. The shock wore off eventually, but it didn't make me feel better.

I saw him a couple of days ago, and I counted on many more days. I wanted him to read the lyrics of my new song, introduce Ava to him, and ask Alfie what he wanted me to do to the house. 

Memories filled the ride to the city. I tried to keep them at bay at first and gave up eventually. 

I wanted to remember. Alfie didn't deserve to be forgotten. If only remembering were easier.

When I made my way into Cayden's office, it was almost lunchtime. The door was ajar, but I knocked anyway.

Cayden rose to his feet after inviting me in. "Jim. I was going to have lunch. Will you join me?"

"No, Cay. I...I was just wondering if we could include this in the setlist."

With a shaky hand, I gave Cay the page with the lyrics.

"The guys wrote the music. We've been rehearsing, but I didn't have the lyrics until this morning," I said.

Cayden scanned the lines. "It's amazing. Go ahead. A little teaser of the second album wouldn't hurt. Just make sure the guys know."

I glanced at the round clock on Cayden's office wall. "Will do right now."

***

The guys turned up at the arena barely half an hour later after I called Jay. I didn't have to give lengthy explanations, only that the song was personal, and I wanted to play it tonight.

My three bandmates threw worried glances my way during the rehearsal. Nick and Jay toned down the bickering and focused on the music until the moment we had to leave so that the pyrotechnic crew could finish their job.

Losing Alfie pushed everything else to the back of my mind, but as I got ready for the show and stood in the middle of the dressing room, the worry and nervous anticipation kicked in.

Ava and the conversation with her took up my thoughts. This morning, she received the manuscript of her novel I finished reading and the flowers I sent her. We didn't talk, only exchanged a couple of short texts. Ava thanked me and said she was looking forward to seeing me tonight. I could only hope she would listen to what I had to say.

A knock on the door broke the quiet.  I threw it open and smiled at the sight of Brian, his girl, and my parents.

"Thank fuck you're not naked," Brian said, hugging me.

I laughed. "I was, little fucker, but now it's all done, even my makeup."

"We're not going to take up lots of your time." Mom wrapped me in her arms and planted a kiss on my cheek.

Fin, Nick, and Jay entered the dressing room, smiling at my parents and my brother. 

"Good luck, Jimmy. To all of you," Mom said, swiping her gaze over the four of us.

"Thank you." Nick flashed her a grin. "Jim, the opener is about to start. Are you ready?"

I smoothed a hand over my styled hair and refocused on my family. "Almost. Enjoy the concert. I'm happy you're here."

Brian winked at me. "Good luck, bro." 

Leah, Brian's girl, smiled shyly, reminding me of Ava. 

Would Ava be overwhelmed if she were here tonight? Would she enjoy the concert?

My family exited the dressing room, leaving us to get ready for our performance.

"It's gonna be epic." Jay rubbed his palms together. "I'm so ready."

"Let's hope we don't screw it up," said Fin. "Just seeing the crowd out there makes my palms sweat."

"It's gonna be okay." Nick winked at him. "Focus on your part, and we'll do the rest."

It was much easier said than done, but I applied the same advice to myself. Thousands of people paid to see us tonight, and I would do everything in my power not to disappoint them.

The guys and I went through the setlist and talked until it was time to leave the dressing room for our performance. 

"Showtime," Jay said under his breath, kissing the oval pendant he wore on his neck. It was his favorite grandmother's gift, and there wasn't a single time he failed to perform the ritual. 

Nick bit his lip and looked up, inhaling deeply.

Finlay studied his hands as if he wanted to order them not to shake when he sat behind the drums.

I nodded at the guys and took the first step toward the stage.

Strange as it may seem, I didn't have a ritual of mine, other than thinking about my family who would see me. Tonight, I also thought about Ava and Alfie, wishing they were here.

Thousands of voices erupted in loud cheers and cries as soon as we made our way onstage. I heard my name leave the lips of fans and stood in the dark, drinking in the atmosphere, breathing in to quell the nerves and calm down my racing heart. 

Nick and Jay were by my side, holding their guitars. Finlay took his place behind the drums. 

I positioned my fingers on the fret and the strings, counting down until the spotlights would illuminate the four of us, and I would play and sing in front of fifty-five thousand beating hearts.

Five.

Shivers blazed down my spine, and my hands gripped the instrument tighter.

Four.

I clenched my eyes shut and listened to the voices filling the air of the arena, drawing strength from the energy so tangible I felt it physically.

Three.

I swallowed, then rotated my shoulders.

Two.

The guys and I exchanged a look. Once more, Jay's fingers wrapped around the medallion he wore.
My fingers shifted. The sound of the first chord of many rose above the cacophony of voices.

"Good evening!"

The same uncontrollable, impossible to grasp energy broke free, filling my veins and rushing through my bloodstream.

One.

***

Everything was a blur. For the last hour, I'd been singing and moving non-stop. At times, I took out my in-ear monitor to soak in the atmosphere and interact with the fans.

Other times, I zoned out, listening to my voice and my guitar through the small device in my ear, lost in the music and the momentum.

It was time for the last song — the one I'd written for Alfie. The one I wanted him to hear.

My feet carried me to the edge of the stage, and before facing the fans, I tilted my head back and looked up at the arena ceiling, pressing my fingers to my lips and raising them, hoping he would hear me from wherever he was now.

My voice might have quivered, and perhaps I needed more hours to rehearse, but playing this song tonight was the least I could do to say goodbye to a friend.

I wiped the wetness off my cheeks as the last chord faded and opened my eyes. 

The eyes of my fans were glistening, too. They clapped their hands and smiled at us. That, in itself, was the biggest success I could dream of. Our music did its job of making people feel once again.

***

After rounds of applause and saying goodbye, it was time to head backstage for the Meet and Greet. 

"Jim!"

My ears registered Cay's voice. I lifted my eyes off the album I was signing and glanced at him, nodding.

"Thank you for coming to the show tonight, " I said, refocusing on the boy in front of me. He stared at me, and I chuckled, ruffling his hair before he went back to his parents.

It was the turn of some girls next and many more fans who wanted me to sign their things before heading backstage. 

The guys were somewhere next to me, interacting with our fans. Smiling, I pushed through the crowd and climbed the steps to the side of the stage. 

My phone buzzed when I was making my way toward Cay and Andre, dodging cords and the equipment the crew started to pick up.

With my eyes glued to the screen, I introduced the passcode.

There was a text.

Ava: It was a wonderful concert, Jim. If that's your real name.

My fingers trembled. I swallowed to get rid of the lump in my throat, staring at the words and hoping they would disappear.

I had to explain. I had to get to her. Starting to type the reply, I made a step forward.

"Jim! Watch out!" 

It was too late. My feet tripped over the tangled mess of cords. Pain shot up my back as I fell, clutching my phone in my hands.

Thoughts? Theories?