The song up... actually summarises this story perfectly.

THIRD PERSON POINT OF VIEW

Every scar has a story, to unfold as the skin of the wound gets dry and gradually falls out, leaving the the memory of it in the form of a never faded naevus, reminding every time what your soul has gone through and yet it survived. You're alive. You're breathing. You're moving on, because life demands to go on with you or without you. Nothing makes a difference if you're dead inside, in order to keep up with the rhythm of a world where only strong gets to live, you've to be a stone which is already broken in so many pieces that you lost count in how many places they haven shattered.

You can't win against the odd. No matter how much you try to make things okay, they are never okay because it's not in your control. It's what written in the fate and it can't be changed. You just have learn to live with it. Pretend that it doesn't matter. Act like it's alright. Just play the part of being happy when you're not in real. Because you see, this is the definition of being alive. This is how life goes on and on until you close your eyes for the last time.

Laila Asif is no one to be remembered. She is just a mere girl from a middle-class family. Very ordinary. But her life has been, however, far more than ordinary. Because even in ordinary life peace exists but none in hers. From an outer view everything is okay. Normal. Sorted. Perfect.

She has a small family - a father who loves her, despite she is a daughter. Every night when he comes home he feeds her by his own hand because she can hardly eat without being feed by her Baba (Father). Whatever she has ever wanted he always gave her within his ability. The most beloved child she is for him. Very dear to him. His princess.

A mother who daily do her bed when she wakes up and before she sleeps. She do her laundries too. Prepare her breakfast every morning and even feeds her too sometimes.

A younger brother who is fourteen years junior than her. Even though he is annoying and gets deep into her skin every time of all times, she can't deny he is her life and God forbids if anything happens to her brother, she wrecks havoc in the world.

All these seem so good then where is the problem lies? One may question.

Well, the problem lies in the very core of all the good stuffs in life. Her family is just like other families out there yet so distorted and problematic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a very early stage in life she has had experienced some situations which she wasn't supposed to learn at time. She witnessed some events which her little, innocent mind wasn't ready to understand.

At the age of nine she faces such states that make her fear the world. She's just a baby but the brutality of some hungry fucking bastards doesn't stop there.

Her Baba hires a Mullah (Islamic teacher who teaches Quran). He wants his daughter to learn her religion and to be a perfect Muslim, which all Muslim parents usually want for their children. The teacher comes every Friday and Saturday as these are her off days. 

At starting she behaves very unpleasantly. She doesn't have any interest at all, but by time she begins to respect what she is learning. She gains a sense of euphoria because she is comprehending the start of everything and she loves hearing Islamic stories about prophets and their lives. She feels connected more toward her Lord. It's very surprising to her as well.

The girl who has been a wild soul, always hyperactive, stubborn and mostly short tempered since a child, now she is more forbearing, kind and even-tempered. When she reads Quran she feels silence but a peaceful one. It soothes her restless soul.

The point when she realize the good, soon the bad climbs into the picture. She notices her teacher touches her hand and says it's an accident. He keeps his palm on her upper thighs, rubbing it so inappropriately. Sometimes he holds her hand and keep it on his lap. All these activities increases every day but she remains quiet. She wonders why he touches her that way. Why he behaves that way? Why his touch makes her uncomfortable?

She has no answer because she wasn't taught what is good touch and bad touch, because such topics are off limits in the society she lives in. Sex education, anatomy, talks about how one should be touched and the don'ts - all these have to be learned by one's own. No one would teach because these are the topics of shame and dirt.

Therefore, she doesn't know why she feels uncomfortable when her teacher touches her neither she could talk to anyone about it nor anyone asked how does he acts with her expect her Baba yet she couldn't speak because she has no hint.

One day, the water rushes over the surface and it's too much for her to drown into. That bastard of a teacher grabs her chest. He is laughing as if this is the most enjoyable activity. She screams, calling her Ma (Mother). As her Ma comes, that fucking son of a bitch acts like nothing ever happened. He denies all the allegations when her Baba interrogates him.

How cheap, how low can a person stoops?

He is a man of religion. He is a scholar of Islam. He is a representative of Islam. Yet, yet he is a fucking pedophile wearing the mask of saint. He has two daughters of his own and the same age as hers but his sins have been more greedy, weakening his morals to the ground.

Her Baba immediately dismisses him but he never notices a tranquil trauma her little mind stores. Her family overlooks it and she moves on taking it with her, secreting deep inside in the Blackhole of her existence where no one will ever know what she feels.

~~~~~~~~~~

She was so naive until some circumstances hit her hard. She used to think everything is so simple and the world is all sunshines and rainbows. The word 'wrong' didn't exist back then. She was a mere adolescent and all she wanted genuinity from people around her.

In school she never faced obstacles of making friends. With her friendly and chatter box-ish attributes she has been the centre of the attention. But that wasn't enough for her. She utters lies, play tricks in order to hold those people whom she calls friends because if she doesn't appears 'cool' in front of them then she won't have anyone by her side.

One day, in the break time Laila along with her classmates decide to play truth and dare. They make some chits writing the dares they have to perform and truths they need to answer. Everyone takes one chits and the game begins.

Everyone is enjoying themselves and the game is growing very exciting.

"Safowan it's your turn buddy." Niloy says.

He opens his chit and it's a dare, "Propose the person, sitting at your left." He reads.

At left side, it's Laila who is sitting and everyone cheers in encouragement.

"C'mon Safowan do it."

"Seriously guys propose?" Laila rolls her eyes. "Uff."

Some moments later, Safowan sits down on his right knee and very sweetly asks, "Miss Laila Asif will you be my gf?"

"Um, okay." She replies jokingly.

"Oooo" Their friends exhilarate.

She uses the presence of her friends as an escape from inner battles she is constantly fighting. In their company she forgets her true life, the situations that haunt her. She becomes a different person. She tries to find peace.

After that day she notices Safowan acting a bit unusual with her. His talks aren't the same anymore. He seems to ignore her and keeps a distance. Being frustrated with his odd behavior, she goes to confront him.

"What is your problem? Why are you treating me like a stranger?" She asks.

"Leave Laila. I don't want to talk now."

He walks away but she is determined to know the answers. She can never tolerate when her friends give her cold shoulders. She chases him and grabs his arm. "Why are you behaving like this? You're my friend, please tell me what's wrong?"

Tears are gathering in her eyes. Her pleads are becoming more desperate.

He yanks his arm off her hold. His eyes are bloodshot and the rock hard expression makes her flinch internally. She has never seen him this mad before.

"You wanna know what happened? You happened, Laila. YOU." He points at her. "I hate it when you mingle with Niloy or Sahil or any other boys. I hate your over friendly attitudes. But does this matters to you?"

"Wait what? What are you talking about? I've always been like this." She shrugs not understanding what he is implying about.

Her friendliness bothers him, but why again? She has done nothing wrong that would make him feel bad. They are her friends and so are his.

"Why don't you understand I don't like that?" He grips her forearms, pulling her close. "Why don't you understand that I...I like you, Laila?"

His confession confuses her more rather than surprise. She'd encountered boys claiming to like her before so this isn't something new for her.

As far as she knows him, he isn't a guy who believes in feelings at all. He always mocks it. It's all bullshit to him, he used to say.

"Y-you like me?" She stutters. She can't believe they are having this conversation right now.

"No I like a donkey. Of course I like you. I've liked you the moment you took admission here. The first time when you entered the class, I was awestruck . You're the most beautiful girl in the class and every other boy is waiting to have their chance with you, especially that Niloy." He takes Niloy's name with much bitterness.

Niloy and Safowan are best of friends and never anyone could identify they possess grudge against each other.

"And Laila, I don't want to see you with him. I can't." He lets go of her, stepping back. "But you know what's the most worst part, that you'll never feel the same for me."

He turns on his heels and walks away, leaving her in complete discombobulation. Her mind is registering what he currently revealed, just not yet. She sits on the stairs with her brain playing his words over and over again.

What should she do now?

She keeps on pondering.

"Why are you sitting here alone?" Tanha questions.

"What are you doing here? Don't you've Biology class now?" She asks back.

"Tomorrow is the annual picnic so most of the teachers are busy. What about you? No commerce class?"

"Sir is absent." She pulls her knees under her chin, locking arms around her legs.

"Perks of being seniors, lots of free period." She giggles. "So tell me what's wrong or don't you consider me as your best friend?"

"No it's not that." She sighs. "It's Safowan but promise me you won't tell a soul about it."

Tanha furrows her brows. "Okay."

"He...just confessed his feelings for me and I don't know what to do about it. I mean he is a close pal of mine and now his feelings, I'm afraid it's gonna ruin our friendship."

"He what?" She yells. "Are you kidding me? He proposed you? What you said?"

"Nothing." She says, playing with the end of her braid.

"Are you serious? You said nothing at all? Uff Laila." She slams her palm on forehead.

"Tanha you don't understand. You know I received many proposals but never been into any serious relationship before. I've no clue what to do. He's sweet and caring but I don't know."

"If you like him go and tell me silly. And I think you'd give it a try. You guys would be the best couple." She encourages her to take that step which would turn her life upside down forever.

Taking her advice, she texts him yes once she comes home. From that day she steps forward to the journey that will thunder her life like never before. She doesn't know what she is heading to but whatever lies in her future isn't gonna be any better.

Her heart flatters every time he compliments her. The attention, the care, the love, she has been showering with feels like she is finally getting what she ever wanted. The genuity. Behind the corridors they express their love, in class under the bench they hold hands and talk all night via texts. Life has never been so wonderful before.

As days are passing, she feels something is off. She doesn't feel happy anymore. This relationship is suffocating her. Not because the love she has for him is no longer exists but some minor actions of his, makes her uncomfortable. Every now and then he tries to kiss her, hug her but she isn't okay being too intimate with any boy. She feels uneasy that he didn't understand. She tries to make him see what she feels but he doesn't care.

"Every bf and gf kiss one another. It's a way of showing love. It's not a big deal." He says.

She suffers immense pressure to make him happy but she isn't ready to compromise her comfort zone yet she keeps pushing her over the edge constantly. She knows this isn't right but is it wrong to make your man pleased?

Their relation gets worse and worse day by day. He starts to ignore her again and becomes irked every time she refuses to be intimate with him.

However, he didn't break up nor he stops trying to persuade her.

Few months pass by and the time of their annual class party arrives. They are all jumps into decorating the class with poster papers, drawings and other works. Some of the boys goes to hire the DJ, fog machine and disco lights while others decorate the class and arrange materials.

Laila is busy posting papers on the wall when Safowan steps out of the classroom. At first she thought maybe he is upset that she isn't giving him much attention. After some minutes her best friend, Tanha also goes out but she didn't give much importance to it.

"Laila come with me, fast." Sahil pants. He looks like he is in a great hurry and his expression is serious as hell. He has been a jolly person, always making others laugh and cheers them up. Today he seems slightly odd.

"Where?"

Without answering her, he grabs her hand, drags her out of the classroom and brings her to the staircase. He marches upstairs to the rooftop.

"I know if I tell you, you won't believe me. I'm sorry but this is the only option." He stops in front of the rusty metal door of the roof. "I just have to show you."

He slowly push the door open. The whole roof is jammed with desks, chairs and other furniture from all classrooms. He points at one corner where Safowan is standing. His back is facing them. The most interesting part is, he isn't alone. He is with a girl and they are engrossed eating each other faces out. They are so busy making out that they didn't notice they have audience. She just stand there, numbed. That girl is no one but her best friend of five years - Tanha. She doesn't moves a muscle. She waits them to finish.

Once they realize, someone is behind them, they instantly stop and turn around. They are shocked but not guilty. There is no remorse on their faces. Their faces haven't gone pale. They stand with pride.

"Why?" She mumbles, trying hard not to break down now.

He rolls his eyes being pissed. "Look Laila, you never fulfilled your duties as a gf. Hell! You never even let me touch you and as your bf I've needs which you never met. So this is very natural."

She can't trust what her ears are hearing. This isn't the boy she fell for. This isn't the person she said yes to. And her best friend, how could she do this to her?

Was everything a big fat lie? A grand illusion?

"Oh c'mon Laila. It's not a big a deal. He's still your bf. He hasn't broke up, has he?" Tanha scoffs. "Please stop overreacting."

She runs. She runs from the scene. She runs from the betrayal. She runs from the heartbreak. She runs from everything and trying to hide under a large rock of loneliness.

After that day everything changes. The people she known as her friends, her classmates are all now cruel strangers. They treat her like a trash bin, poke mock at every chance they get, blame her for the downfall of her relation.

"It's your responsibility to keep your bf happy." They say.

She bears everything with a heavy broken heart. All these weren't enough to satisfy their disgust on her that they goes to the principal taking bunch of complains.

She disturbs everyone in the class. 

She flirts with boys. 

She offers to be intimate with them in exchange for money. 

She texts nasty comments and talks dirty in order to persuade boys to give in. 

A total slut they portray her to be.

Hearing everything the principal calls her parents without even asking her once about the situation. Her Baba that day beats her into a plup. He even tried to slit her throat because of the humiliation they had to face for her. She screams and begs that she is innocent. She has done none such thing but all her pleads go unheard in the chaos of avenging the humiliation she has bought.

Nobody talks to her yet she didn't leave the school. She continue going and the torture never dies. She suffers it without any complains. She takes every kick they give her. Her parents become too cold. The looks of disgust, the vibes of accusing her being characterless are filled in the air and it just suffocates her that she is afraid to take a breath again.

She finds someone who really heard her side. He listens to her tears, her heartbreaks and consoles her in distress. And she thought maybe he is honest. In no time they become best of friends. Their friendship give her new ray of hopes, happiness.

"Where is aunty, Mahin?" She steps inside his house. She visits his home everyday after school and tell him about her day and he would just listen attentively.

"Oh she has went to the neighbours." He locks the door. "How was your day?"

He sits beside her, offering a glass of water. She tells him everything and he stares straight at her face. He leans in caressing her left cheek, not breaking eye contact. 

"You know how beautiful you are."

"Um... t-thanks." She tries to move away but he holds her close. "W-what are you doing?" 

His leans a bit closer and bites her bottom lip before sucking it. She is too shocked to react. His hands rest on her breast when she comes back into consciousness. 

"Mahin stop! What are you doing?" She struggles. "Stop! You're my friend. Why are you doing this with me?"

"Shh." He attacks her neck violently, bruising her skin, ignoring her tears. 

She should have left the moment she knew he is home alone. She shouldn't have come.

"Why are you crying Laila? Did I hurt you?" He wipes her tears. "Tears doesn't suit your pretty face." He kisses her cheeks.

Beautiful. She has been told she is beautiful since birth. She has got her mother's genes mostly and that has blessed her with an eye catchy beauty. Long thick black wavy hair. Light olive skin is which flawless. Very defined natural high cheekbones and perfect contoured face. She has a zero figure which makes her appear stunning at her teenage age. 

Being beautiful is a gift and a curse at the same time. Being attractive is sometimes the ugliest feature. Sometimes the world cannot handle beauty, it gets too intimidated by its light that men forget that their opposite gender is also humans and they need respect and protection. But their saliva drools down their tongue when a girl passes by.

After that day she lessen contacting him but she didn't get the courage to confront him. She is scared to lose him too. He is the only one who listens to her. Nothing is for free in this world and maybe this is the price she has to pay in order make him stay.

She is so vulnerable that she isn't thinking straight and that might be the reason when he sees her naked body or touches her private parts she doesn't care nor react. She let him have his way with her. 

When her mother asks about the blueish redded bruises on her neck or other part of the skin she lies, makes up excuses. But can she ever been successful deceiving a mother's eyes?

 She must bear the consequences of being beautiful after all. She did everything possible to maintain her friendship but she couldn't make him stay longer. He eventually gets bored of her and their relation comes to a great end. 

She did unacceptable crime that she can't never forgive herself for. The guilt adds more weight to her list. The self-loath increases day by day. 

At a certain moment she left alone in the world. A colossal tornado is building inside her. Her inner self shouts every night in the dark of the life but no one hears. The silent screams are the most ear-bleeding ones and that screams always remain unheard.

Gradually she makes a new best friend - depression.

She slowly and slowly starts drowning in the ocean of depression and she goes so deep under that she forgets how to live again.

She hates herself. She is filled with so much hatred that she doesn't know what to do with it. She is trapped inside her. It keeps telling her she's a shit, a waste of space, fucking up her life.

She is sitting at a corner in her dark room, complimenting blackout inside her, feel for herself knowing that as each day passes by, the last opportunity she has. It's a daily reminder that she's running out of time. It's not letting her sleep.

These are thoughts she bares in her mind, keep her awake at night, make her realize that no matter what how hard she tries, she isn't okay.

She is just fifteen years old and instead of playing with doll houses and kitchen sets she's dealing with actual life, which she isn't supposed to be doing.

She is weaken of walking around with a heavy heart and she is shattered like sand in deserts. She puts a strong gate before her destroyed self but all one needs to ask her the right questions and all will come pouring up that she's been battling in her mind.

The dark thoughts, anxiety that sometimes almost murder her, she just need to be in a room alone forever to settle the thoughts down in her head.

Everyone can see that everything about her is still and calm. But up in her mind it is so freaking ear-numbing, she feels everything is indeed strangling her to death.

When she demons are only inside, she is buried alive inside her body. It's a constant battle between her life and mind.

She just wants it to stop.

But it won't stops.

It never stops.

It controls her.

It eats up her.

It makes her believe that it's all her fault alone.

Is it truly her fault entirely though?

She doesn't wants to live anymore. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't fight anymore. She accepts it.

This is her fate and just like that she steps up to end it. But she has been saved - from death but not from her demons. She tries for the second time. She fails again. The third and again failure. Fourth, fifth and thousand times yet she fails. Being too tired she gives up the idea.

Then she realises that this is never the solution. Whatever happened earlier in her life now trigger her to be sober once again to live by understanding the circumstances. Those events poke her to question every thing that are happening around her.

She questions why her father tortures her mother both physically and emotionally? Why even when she used to beg him not to abuse her mother, he never listened? Why her mother suffers everything without a word? Why she has to grow up in an abusive environment?

Why her boyfriend cheated on her? Why her best friend betrays her? Why the people she considered her friends now despise her like she is a dirty pig?

Why she had been touched nastily? Why no one heard her once? Why she could never speak?

Why?

Why?

Why?

So many fucking whys but not one because. She figures out that she has to answer all the questions by herself and as time passes she did. 

 Women are considered powerless in the society. There is no one to protest for them. 

Because the prey is always the weak. It's always the weakest who are targeted as victims, so she ends up being one too.

She acted like a stupid and she got what she deserved. She trusted blindly the people and she got betrayed as predicted.

She learns one crucial truth. Every soul in the world is alone. There is no one for you in a true sense. People might be with you but not for you because you see, at night when the world sleep, they sleep alone, no one sleeps for you. Similarly when you die, you die alone. No one lay in the grave for you.

You have no one except yourself. Even parents aren't also your own. Everyone in this world is selfish and this is the basic truth.

Parents give birth to children so that later when they grow old, their children can look after them. Children are like investments. It may sound vulgar but it is not false. But that doesn't mean they don't care or love. They do. They do as much as required.

And friends. They come and go like rain. Some stays who are really real at their words. And rest just fly away in thin air. They shouldn't be taken too seriously, at least not all the people that comes into your life. 

The less people in life the lesser chaotic the life is.

She was desperately in need to love and care without the abusive vibe that lead her to the path of misery. She wanted to escape from her abusive family environment. She was too afraid of becoming one victim that she didn't realize she already became one.

Her depression is a slack of every event she has ever witnessed but never understood it. But now she does well. 

Therefore, she makes herself so strong mentally that no words trouble her. Her fearless armor builds her to be indepent, courageous, logical and mostly matured. The fourteen years old Laila is now a matured girl who understands better and knows more. 

She knows it hurts to be all alone but that's what everyone is. Some just realizes it and accepts it heartily and some choose to stay in denial because the fear of accepting the reality. The more easily the reality can be embraced the less painful the living will be. The foggy illusion she played with her is now wipe into crystal clear picture and it's easier that way. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The year passes and she grows up into a beautiful young woman. She continues her life just like she intended. No toxic people. No chaos. No drama. No fakeness.

She found genuine people who actually care for her. She found friends who don't judge her. She smiles without wry. Though her environment has turn better but the problem still remains. But now she has learn to deal with it. She has stopped caring. She doesn't affect her anymore. 

At the age of twenty her fate takes a new turn. Her father decides to marry her off because she has reached the perfect age of being married according to her family. 

In spite of her protest she gives in anyway because of the constant emotional blackmails, it becomes too much for her. She believed her father can do no wrong to her. No matter how bad husband he might be, he has been an excellent father and she knows whatever he will decide for her it will be for her benefits. 

A few months later a suitor's family comes to see her. Her mother dolls her up like a mannequin to put on display and she can't complain. This is the tradition. Boy's family comes to judge a girl, analysing her from top to bottom, comment on skin color, figure, height and how she walks - exactly like purchasing cows or goats on Eid-ul- Azha for sacrificing. 

They eye on every aspect of a female, how she looks, how she talks, can she cooks, does she household works and decide whether she is worthy enough for their son or not. 

They want a free maid for the house and free sex slave who will give birth to their next generation. Sounds really unappealing  and bizzare but it's the reality check we hide in the illusion of being a perfect wife, perfect daughter-in-law and a perfect mother. 

Women in the society are used for two purposes, first to look after the house and second to bear children. Their horizon are so narrow and world so little that a little drop of care and love will make their entire year. Alas, the reality is too corrupted, too selfish.

"Can I work after the marriage?" She says nervously. "I'm the first born of the family and I need to look after my parents and I've a four years old brother too."

With great bravery she speaks the only ordeal she has. She doesn't want to leave her family. 

"Sure you can. I think women should more independent and it's their right." Rashid's encouraging support relives her. 

For the first time she wonders maybe this time she will be happy. Rashid proves to be the best man for her. He understands her and never judged her. He accepts her just the way she is and he knows no one is perfect and all her imperfections are the best features of her. 

She doesn't him tell her past right away but she decided to reveal by time. Together they build a beautiful bond that defines a true marital relation. They support each other at every step with understanding and the care they hold for one another that it's hard to tell they had an arranged marriage. 

They are happy.

"Congratulations Mister husband." She stretches her upper body under the seat belt, kisses his cheeks with a bit force while he is driving. "You deserve the promotion and I'm so happy."

"Oh my pretty wife wait till we reach home." He winks at her. 

She pouts. "Nope. I'm very tired today." 

"But I'm not." 

His confident smirk reflects that everytime he gets his way and she can never deny him because pleasing the husband is her duty. No matter how tired she is or just to cuddle in his arms, he only needs his prelaure and ignore her heart. But this is okay. It is not wrong. He is a man after all. 

Since birth children are taught the difference between right and wrong but what is actual wrong and right have we ever learnt?  

Denying your husband is wrong and killing your comfort is right. Suffering in silence is right and being vocal about your opinions is wrong? 

Who decides what is right and what is wrong? What is inbetween the right and wrong? That neither right nor wrong and if it's not right then why is it so? And if it is wrong, why does it feel so right?  

If there is a punishment for crimes then isn't hurting a heart is a crime too? 

Every morning she wakes with the rising sun and sometimes with rain and cold, his arms wrapped around her wrist after spending night of making love or should it be titled as "his needs"?

She cooks breakfast in the lonely kitchen and her mother-in-law just orders the menu. She sweats and her muscles ache but no one cares. They don't appreciate her effort. They just enjoy the free service. She packs his tiffin with expectations of a little 'thank you" and all she gets is, "Can't you cook anything better than this?"

She do the laundry and sometimes washes the clothes by hand in the hope of being successful to win her mother-in-law's heart and all she listens is, "Haven't your mother taught you how to wash clothes properly?"

She makes evening tea after coming from work for her father-in-law, wishing he would at least smile at her with affection but all she receives is, "Only tea? Where are the snacks?"

This is her life. She has learnt to live in it just the way it keeps her, like a water in a pot. No matter in which pot you pour water it always takes the shape of it. 

Years pass by and nothing changes yet everything did because the people the did. Rashid becomes more moody and work-alcoholic while her in-laws demand grandchildren. It's been three years and she didn't conceive yet. People talks about her being infertile, she is having an extramarital affair at work that's why she doesn't want a baby and all other possible allegations. She hears them with patience and respect others even when they utter rubbish because she knows where the issue is and she doesn't need to clarify it.

Since day one we've been told to do this or don't do that because you're the representative of being a woman. Running her confidence to the ground. She can't even continue a conversation without using the most useless word 'sorry' like infinite times to apologize for just being herself.

Every night she stays awake at dark nights and the noisy silence she hears is so profuse. She can't sleep or eat. Only filled with so much negativity that negativity becomes her. But she keeps on lying and go on smiling because that's the person she wants to be. So happy, joyful and carefree. 

Is it a sin?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Rashid invites his boss and colleagues at his home for the occasion of his third anniversary. Though he doesn't give Laila much time anymore but he can't deny he loves her and once in a while it's good to make her smile even if it's not much of efforts. 

The party has been going well. She cooked many mouth-watering dishes and everyone praises. After a very long time, her smile reaches her eyes. 

On the other hand it's time for dinner yet he is busy with some clients and everyone is waiting for him at the dinner table. She goes up to call him.

"Not now Laila. I'm busy." His attention is captured in files.

"Everyone is asking for you. First eat then check it please." She snatches the file from his hand. 

Being irked with her nagging attitude he has had enough. His rough palm flies on cheeks with a smack. He slaps her in front of a crowd, shocking every person present there. It takes her a moment to realize what just happened. Her head bows down. She has no courage to look at anyone. The humiliation is too much. She got slapped and no one speaks a word, protesting it. They just stand there, witnessing a live show of a wife being slapped by her husband only because she insisted him to have dinner.

In the eyes of majority it's nothing wrong. She deserved it. She shouldn't have disturbed him. 

She stays there, fakes a smile, pretend like nothing happened and serve the guests. It would be a lie if she doesn't thought about this day would come. She knew this will happened eventually because it is what actually occurs. It's nothing new. 

She saw her mother get beaten into a pulp by her husband and her tears are just vain. Even after abused to death she acts like it's okay and later everything sorted out and it continues the process again and again. 

Her fate isn't any different as well. The abuse her mother suffered, that era has begin her life too. She is now living her mother's life. Since that day, the abuse increase. Though that criminal of a husband apologise for his rude behavior because he needs his pleasure and after he getting her body he becomes the same abusive bastard again and she keeps on forgiving him.

Many may argue this her religion, where females are just victim of violence and Islam always superior men. Moreover Islam promotes violence. Muslims are terrorist for a reason, huh. But that isn't true at all.

 Islam views men and women as equal before God, and the Quran underlines that man and woman were "created of a single soul"

Spiritual equality between women and men details, verily, the Muslims: men and women, the believers: men and women, the Qanit: men and the women, the men and women who are truthful, the men and the women who are patient, the Khashi': men and the women, the men and the women who give Sadaqat, the men and the women who fast, the men and the women who guard their chastity and the men and the women who remember Allah much with their hearts and tongues, Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a great reward.

Therefore, in Islam women has the equal rights as the male, even in the Holy book women are glorified and they must be treated with utmost respect and care. 

In Islam violence is a restriction, peace is the real meaning. 

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).  If you fear a breach between them then appoint an arbiter from his folks and an arbiter from her folks; if they desire reconciliation God will affect between them; indeed God is All-knowing All-aware." (Al-Quran, -35). 

But the cultures that have been mixed with religion it's like poison with elixir and you can't do anything but swallow in throats even if it burns and that bury your vocal.

She is created this character of her being so perfect. She is invincible in the outsiders' eyes. And so she carry on living these two lives - one for the public and one just for herself late at night. Because it's easier than admitting she has problems.

And that's the problem. Stigma is very much real. This will not go away until we realize our mental condition is important. It's a hidden disease that affect so many lives. 

Why just the reality doesn't wake up and listen?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Some months later Laila gets the best news of her life. She is expecting. Her heart is overwhelmed with joy. The feeling of motherhood is unparalleled. Maybe this will end her sufferings. Maybe this will bring happiness. The moment she thought this is the best journey of life, flintiness of the world once visits her world.

"The first born must be a boy."

"It's better be a boy."

"If it's a girl, abort this baby."

 All these tormented statements make her heart screams loud and her mind shuts down. No matter how much pain punch her, she won't ever compromise her child's life. Her child's life isn't a gamble. This baby hasn't even seen the light of the earth and the wolves are hungry to eat him or her raw. 

When her husband hits her being drunk again while she's four months pregnant, that very moment she swears to put this life at stop. It can't be happening anymore. This has to stop. She is sick to death of feeling helpless, fear of the society, emotionally unstable. She needs to step up for the future of her unborn child and she won't be repeating the same mistake her mother did. 

She is tired of pretending that everything is perfect when nothing isn't even alright, when she isn't okay. If she keeps quite still now, someday when her child will grow up he or she is gonna carry this legacy of mistakes. She doesn't want that. She wants her child to have the freedom she never got. She don't want tears or death of suffocation for him or her. She wants all the happiness and to make the world such a place for him or her so that he or she can breathe without being afraid.

It's now or never.

Without letting the second thought catch her decision, she calls her friend Mariam who is a divorce lawyer. For the first time in a long time she opens her heart out and speaks about her issues.

"I want it to end. Please help me." She pleads. 

Sometimes it's okay to let someone go and let yourself live.

"You'd come out the first time he slapped you." Mariam is a bit annoyed with her friend's stupidity. She can't believe she has been bearing it for so long and acted like nothing is wrong in her life. "What the hell were you thinking all these years?"

"I don't know. Maybe I was hoping it will get better but instead it keeps on going worse and worse because all I was told there is expectations and limitations and fight for every can't to be a can even it seems not right. You just have to make it a can because that's what women are purpose to do."

"Laila, I'll do everything in my power to free you from this toxic, poisonous situation. I promise."

She is proud that at least she finally stood up. It's never too late to speak up for yourself. You just have to gather the courage and confidence that you know you're right and you deserve better. 

For the longest time Laila has blamed her environment, the society, the media, her family and it took her years to see it's not them it's her - the solution. 

It's her. If she want change how she feel, she has to start within. Look deeper into her soul, what's beneath the skin cause the solution isn't external. She can't solve her problems looking for miracles to take place or playing the victim card.

The answer comes from who she is and deep inside all those thoughts and feelings she tried so desperately to hide. 

She is capable of so much and she doesn't need to hear that the world because she knows it from herself. 

When you open the forever closed windows and doors of your mind, you start to see things clearly - your potentials, your dreams, your hopes. 

You become free. 

So for the very first time she has chosen to let herself breathe. Today, she chose herself. 

 It's time for her tears to dry into castles of weapons to conquer the monsters tormented her and she is going to triumph.

After months of trials and forest of angonies, curses and allegations she breaks through the golden of cage of torture and secure a bright future for her child. 

She knows what she signs up for. She knows it's her own battle now. People are going to strike her, try to pull her down to the ground. 

"You're a divorcee!"

"It's your fault your marriage doesn't work out!"

"Couldn't you just have compromise a little?"

"You're characterless woman!"

"You're a total disgrace!"

All these might have an immense impact on old Laila but this new revolved Laila she now only enjoy the dialogues with a bowl of salty popcorns. 

A few months later she gives birth to twins. Two beautiful girls. The light in her musky life. The reason of her smile. The purpose of her life. The healings of her scars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think you'd consult a psychiatrist." She suggests. "After everything you've been through, you deserve a piece of mind." 

Hearing her suggestion she replies, "I'm a divorcee and if I go for counselling this society will bury me alive." A throaty dry chuckle summarize the concept of mental illness.

"Screw the society. I told you before. People will talk as like dogs bark. It shouldn't taken into accounts. You're suffering from anxiety and depression and you'd them before. You healed by yourself before but that doesn't mean you'd never see a doctor."

Mariam scoffs. She's tired of making her comprehending that it's her life and she'd be in-charge. But this woman always keeps going back feet ten times after taking one step forward.

"I understand Mariam what are you talking about and I'll think about it."

Though she isn't sure about attending a counsellor but she won't trap herself anymore that she knows.

In many societies, mostly in conservative societies mental health is as illogical as sinking a sinking ship. They think mental health is more of luxury that only rich people can afford. It has no necessity in an ordinary life.

There is another picture about it too. Nowadays people are well aware of the word 'depression' than they were five years back, especially the teenagers. They refer their sadness as depression. The matter they didn't understand that depression isn't sadness or being upset. It's a mental illness which can be extremely severe if no action are taken against.

The common misconception has lead to the ignorance of such a serious topic. Visiting a psychiatrist doesn't mark anyone as a retard.

Mental health is equally important as much a psychical health. If people can rush to doctors for a mere headache or stomach ache and take treatment for it, then why not for mental sufferance? Just because you don't feel any physical pain for it that doesn't mean it delivers no ache.

After years of struggle she can breathe without inhaling the stones of pain, torment or anxiety. She is no longer a prisoner in her mind. She is free.

She has a two years course, dealing with deprecation. She listened to Mariam and cured herself from all the negativity. She is healed.

Her life hasn't been the easiest. She'd faced hell in her lifetime. She experiences demons. She fought them with courage and fear. And she won.

She makes sure that her children doesn't become the nightmare she suffered. She dedicates her life teaching them what she wasn't taught and she didn't learn early in her life. She doesn't teach them the difference right and wrong. She gives them the liberty to understand the correct morals with a definition of what is right on the real grounds. Because when one learns the right, he can easily protest the wrong. Wrong to be learned, it's a judgement.

"My dear, you don't have to necessarily right always. Just don't afraid of being wrong Accept it. And if you see any wrong and anything go against your morals, not the one which I taught you but those you realize, forever be vocal about it." She tells her kids.

And her children understand the fine line between morals and culture and religion, which the society still lacks. But among hundred hypocrites if one soul stands up pointing at it, the world will be a better place someday and she believes in it.

Her life has been full of scars. The scars aren't always substantially have to be ugly, they can be alluring too. Scars are the definition of your beauty because it constantly mirrors the wounds you've yet you have been able to outshine it. You're purity of heat reflects your beauty and you're the beautiful scars. 

Her beautiful scars narrate her story. Some are heard and some just remained unheard and are waiting to be told. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, she returns to the place where she came from. She returns to her Lord. Lying six feet under the earth, wrapped in a white cloth, her body sleeps forever.

Today those beautiful dark brown eyes that was once filled with universe dreams, that saw the cruelty of world, that shed ocean of tears, that lived on, witnessing from subtle details to extreme transformations of humans, from good to bad, bad to worst. Those experienced eyes are now closed forever.

People visit her funeral. Her children mourns. Her colleagues reminisce her presence.But that won't stop life. It'll go on and on. Her departure hurts to her loved ones but they move on. The foremost rule of life. Nothing stops for anyone's account.

She will be missed. She will be always in hearts of her close ones. 

Tears will dry. Hurt will heal. Her absences will be used to it. And very slowly her memories will fade away like dancing smoke vanishes in soft air.

However, she is at peace.

The long lost part of living she finds at her end because peace is never being alive or living your life. Peace is when you know you are back at home, where you belong.

______________THE END_____________