Chapter 59: I miss you

Feelings that come back are the feelings that never went away.

Calvix's POV

-After 5 years-

NEW YORK CITY

"Babe..." I was in deep thought when Alison called out my name again, "What was your thinking?! Come on babe! Kanina pa ako usap ng usap dito! Gusto mo ipagpabukas nalang natin to? I know you're tired..." Alison held my hand and smiled, "Let's just talk about this tomorrow. I want you to have a sleep. Want me to stay with you this night at your condo?"

I shook my head, "No need. I still have lot of things to do. And besides, you have photoshoots to do this evening? Have you forgotten?" I looked away as I drink my coffee.

It's been 5 years already. I got my eyes surgery when I got here with her, Janelle. Yes, she came with me. She stayed with me as she promised. She stayed on my side for more than 4 months and left me hanging here, alone, and unloved. She went back to Philippines for Andrei. Then, I met Alison, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Ferrer who's business partner of my Dad. She's also a Filipino but migrated here in New York for some private matters and now do a modeling here in New York, and I'm 2 years older than her.

And I have this day which I regretted the most.

"Please, Alison. Marry me."

"Yes, Calvix!

Yes, she's my fiancée. We're engaged for almost 3 years and we'll have our wedding in 3 months. If you asked me I love her, I said yes. But looked straightly in my eyes and you still see pain because I was still holding back to her. I'm still holding back to our promises, memories and love for each other.

"You're not listening again." She smiled and pinched my nose. The way Alison smiled, imaged of her smiling flashed through my mind. I bit my lower lip and took a heaved sigh to stop myself for what am I feeling. I felt pain and hatred again.

"I-I'm not feeling well. Come on. I take you home." I stood up first and took held of her hand, entwining my fingers between her hand. She smiled so do I. I don't have any planned to let go of this hand and played on her like I used to played before. I lose Janelle in the end. And I don't want to happened that again. I don't want to lose any person right now. I can't afford losing any one of them.

-

"Bye babe! I love you!" Then she kissed me on the cheek.

"Bye." I waved goodbye and waited for her to entered the building before driving away.

*

"Yes Ma. Okay lang ako dito."

[You sure? Miss na miss na kasi kita anak eh. Di ba pwedeng dito ka muna matulog sa'tin? Kahit ngayon lang? Hinahanap-hanap ka ng baby brother mo!]

"Ma bukas. Pupunta ako dyan. Promise. Pasabi nalang kay Vince na uuwi ang Kuya nya bukas."

[You promised! Okay?]

"Yes Ma. I'm tired. I need sleep. Bye for now. Love you Mom. And tell Vince that Kuya loves him too." Then I hang up.

Binagsak ko ang sarili ko sa kama at napapikit ng madiin. Hayy! Kapagod! Napamulat ang mata ko ng makaramdam ako ng lamig. Aysh! Bukas pala ang pintuan sa may balcony ng condo ko. Kaagad akong tumayo at akmang isasara na ito ng mapansin ko ang mga magagandang bituin sa kalangitan. Tinuon ko ang dalawa kong kamay sa may balustrade at pinagmasdan ang mga bituin na ito. And that scene came into my mind.

-Flashback-

"Babe look!"

"What?"

"Stars! I love seeing stars!"

"Halata ko nga."

"Ang mean mo babe!" She pouted.

I pinched her cheek and give her a peck kiss on the lips, "And I love seeing those stars with you." She smiled and hugged me. I hugged more tight and even kiss her hair. God! Why they have the same smell of hair?!

"Nagustuhan mo ba?" Humiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap at hinawakan ito sa magkabilang balikat.

"Ang alin?" I asked, confused.

"The smell of my hair! You know pinilit ko pa talaga si Kathrine na sabihin sa akin kung ano ang shampoo nya! Hmf!" She pushed me, a childish act. Napatawa nalang ako. Napansin nya siguro ang pagpuri ko sa amoy ng buhok ng kaibigan nya noong pinakilala nya ako dito. Magkatapat nga lang kami sa table non pero amoy na amoy ko ang mabangong amoy ng buhok nya. Akala ko si Janelle lang ay may ganong amoy ng buhok pero hindi pala. Pero bakit ganun? Iba pa din ang dating sa akin ng buhok ni Janelle noon.

I hugged her from behind and rested my head on her shoulders, "I love you, Alison."

I heard her chuckled, "I love you more, Calvix." Humarap sya sa akin at pinulupot ang kamay nya sa may leeg ko and kissed me. She deepened the kiss. Hindi rin ako nakapagpigil ng oras na'yon dahil lalaki ako, nangiinit pa din ako and... I want to forget her completely.

-End of flashback-

But I failed. I thought that night would make me forget her. Akala ko magagawa ko na syang mahalin tulad ng pagmamahal ko kay Janelle, yung mas higit pa don. Pero hindi eh. Akala ko lang. Nang magising ako ng umagang yon, hindi mawala ang ngiti sa aking labi. Hinimas-himas ko pa ang buhok nya. Pero napatigil ako at nakaramdam ng sakit ang puso ko na maalala na hindi nga pala si Janelle ang babaeng kinatalik ko kagabi kundi ang girlfriend ko, si Alison.

I tried my best to forget her. I always make-out with Alison and make love to her once again, our last too. Akala ko magagawa ko syang makalimutan at mabaling ang nararamdaman ko sa iba. But no, I failed again. Pinipigilan ko na ang sarili ko kada-makikita ko si Alison kahit naaakit ako dito. I don't want her to get pregnant. I also don't want to have a baby right now.

Napangiti naman ako ng maalala ang nakaraan, 4 years ago ng samahan nya ako dito para sa pag-opera ng mata ko. Ang saya na hindi ko makakalimutan buong buhay ko.

-Flashback-

"Janelle?"

"I'm here, Calvix. Bakit?"

"Ang sakit ng mata ko."

"Tss! Sabi ko sa'yo wag ka munang mag-laptop eh!" Kinuha nya ang laptop ko. Galit syang nagtungo sa hinihigaan ko at kinumutan ako. Nilagay nya ang kamay nya sa maya mata ko kaya pinikit ko ito, "Hindi ko to tatanggalin hangga't hindi ka pa natutulog."

Hinawakan ko ang kamay nya at napangiti, "Ayoko. Baka pag nakatulog ako, iwan mo na ko."

"But I'm really going to leave you soon, Calvix." Hindi pa din nya inaalis ang kamay nya sa may mata ko.

"Ikaw ang buhay ko Janelle. Paano ako kung mawawala ka? Ano na ko kung iiwan mo ko ulit?" Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. Eto na naman kami.

"C-Calvix! Ano ba! Bawal kang umiyak!" Tinanggal nya ang kamay nya at dali-daling nagtungo sa may table para kumuha ng tissue.

"Wala namang sinabi ang doctor na bawal akong umiyak ah?"

"E-Eh para sa'kin bawal. Ayokong nakikita kang umiyak, Calvix." Pinunasan nya ang luha ko gamit ang tissue na kinuha nya. Hindi ko mapigilan ang hindi pagmasdan ang mukha nya. Ilang buwan ko nalang makikita ang mukha nya.

I held her hand and pulled her closed to mine, "Hindi ba pwedeng dito ka nalang? Hindi ba pwedeng wag ka ng umalis at dito ka nalang sa tabi ko? Hindi na kita sasaktan Janelle. Mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ka pa din ba naniniwala sa'kin? Hindi na'to laro, Janelle. Simula ng mahalin kita, wala ng laro para sa'kin. Dito ka nalang Janelle. Wag mo kong iwan." Niyakap ko pa sya ng mas mahigpit. Sinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa may leeg nya. Ayoko Janelle. Mahal mo pa ko di ba? Nagawa mo ngang iwan ulit si Andrei para sa'kin di ba?

"Pero kailangan kong umalis, Calvix..."

"Si Andrei na ba talaga?"

"Kailangan kong bumalik, Calvix. Madami akong naiwan."

"Hindi yon ang sagot sa tanong ko, Janelle. Iiwan mo ba ko para balikan si Andrei ha?"

She was stunned for a seconds. She even took a deep breath and said, "Oo. Kailangan ko syang balikan." Then, my tears fell. Ilang beses ko ng naririnig sa kanya ang mga salitang yan pero bakit ganun pa din kasakit kada-maririnig ko iyon?

-End of flashback-

Then she left me here, alone and unloved. Before she left me, I was begging on her knees not to leave me again. But I failed... again. She has no feelings for me anymore. She has no love for me anymore.

My life without her was like living in hell. I can't eat, even take a bath, and can't leave with my room. I'm depressed and crying all day long missing her so much. I also have this mind to attempt suicidal because I really can't take this pain anymore. But she came, the girl who made me feel this love again. But, I still can't forget her. All processes of forgetting, I did. But all I did, reminds me of her. Kaya kahit ang makipagkomunikasyon sa mga kaibigan ko, pinutol ko na. I deactivated all my accounts in all websites on internet. Kaya halos wala na kong pinagtuusan ng pansin dito kundi ang girlfri—fiancée ko nalang.

"Janelle..."

"...I love you. And I always will."

**

"V!"

"Ate Ali?!" Masayang nagtatakbo ang kapatid ko at niyakap ang mga hita ni Alison. SUmunod namang yumakap dito sina Nathalie at Mama.

"Kuya!"

"Hi baby V." Niyakap ko ito ng mahigpit ang hinalikan ang ulo nito. Nakakamiss ang baby brother ko. Bakit 'V' ang tawag namin sa kanya? Si Nathalie at Alison ang nagbigay non. Last time din kasi, hindi mabigkas ni V ang pangalan nyang 'Vince'. 

"Kuya, I have something to show you!" Tumakbo si V sa may table sa sala at muling tumakbo papunta sa akin at pinakita sa akin ang kanyang drawing. A two couple and two names written on there, Kuya Calvix and Ate Ali. I felt something pain on my chest. I want my baby brother to draw me and Janelle. I'm dreaming of that.

"I like it." Ginulo ko ang buhok ng kapatid ko at hinalikan itong muli. Kinalong ko si V at umupo kaming lahat sa sofa.  

"Kuya..." He sat on my lap. 

"Hmm?" I smiled on my baby brother and pinched his nose.

"Who's this girl?" My eyes widened and my mouth hang opened.

"Girl? Who's girl baby V?" Kaagad kong kinuha ang picture namin ni Janelle sa kapatid ko at tinago ito, "Babe? Who's that girl? Baby V, tell me what's in the picture? Your Kuya now keeping secrets to me." Umupo sa tabi namin ito at hinalikan si V. She looked at me and smiled.

"She's beautiful." V said.

"Who?" She asked, confused.

"That girl... with Kuya on the picture. She's beautiful." V answered. Napa-facepalm nalang ako! V naman eh! Alison looked at me in the eyes, asking 'may I see the picture'.

"Babe? Can I take a look at it?" She asked.

I shook my head, "You don't need to."

"What do you mean I don't need to? I want to see it."

"Alison –"

"She's someone from the past, Ate Alison." Lahat kami napatingin kay Nathalie na nagsalita. Alison looked away from me and forced a smiled to my Mom and Nathalie.

"Ate Ali, I want to play..." V hugged Alison.

"Sure baby. Let's go upstairs?" Alison excused herself to us and went upstairs with V. That's why V liked her so much. She's sweet, playful, and never fails to make you smile. Maybe, that's why she made me interested on her on our first meeting, on the supermarket. She's helping that child who got lost and helped him to find his mother. I got interested on her that day and made me think about her face all night long. Then, after a week, I saw her, on my Dad's company. And that was the days we start seeing each other and have this strange feelings that I felt a years ago on her, the girl who I loved more than my first love, the girl I fought for, the girl who revenge on me like messing and playing with my feelings too. A game of her that I didn't expect about in the first place because of the idea of her being inlove with me. But hell no, I'm wrong. I'm the one who turned her like that. I played on her and broke her. She's the girl I can't forget. I'll still keep her in my heart no matter what happens. She's the girl who made me realize the true meaning of love, stop my own game, and to be a stick-to-one boyfriend. And yeah, I think for all this years... my feelings for her starting to fade now.

Now, I promised to you, Alison. I won't hurt you or leave you. I promised to be a good husband when we got married. I' am now seeing my future with you. Little kids, happy family, and growing old together.

"Kuya?" I went back to my senses when Nathalie called out name.

"Hm?"

"Kanina ka pa kinakausap ni Mommy! What's on your mind ba?!" She said, irritated.

"Ma, ano yon?" Tanong ko kay Mama.

"Juztine and Stephanie's wedding will be next week. We're all invited. It's your friend wedding. I think it's too much not to attend their own wedding. We all know that it's your decision not to make communication with them. It's been 5 years already. I think, you're the only who's still not moving on yet."

"Ma –"

"It's time to come back, Patrick. We'll be leaving tomorrow and attend Juztine's wedding even if you agreed or not."

"Alison. How about her? I can't leave her. I can't leave my fiancée here, alone, without me." I said in my defensed. I can't leave her for god damn sake! I can't imagine myself being replaced again because I left the country for some reason. I know Alison wouldn't do that thing to me. She would never cheat and two-timed me. Yes, I'm being paranoid. But I can't help it! Ayoko ng mangyari ang nangyari dati! I left her... for her own sake. But still, she didn't waited and be with my cousin. And I don't want that to happened again.

"Then take her with us. I think your friends should know that you're now engaged." Mom held my hand, "It's been 5 years. You have Alison. You already have a fiancée. You guys had been engaged for 3 years. Your feelings for her –" Mom took a deep breath and said, "-Janelle...  should now all gone. Don't look about the past anymore, Patrick. She's the past. You have Alison. She loves you and I think she's the best for you."

I hugged my Mom and rested my head on her shoulders.

I can't forget her. I can't move on. Even she forget me, I still won't forget her, Mom. She still owns a piece of my heart. Yeah, it's been 5 years already. Time goes fast. But I still can't move on. I can't even take a  step forward. I'm still in the place where I've been 5 years ago. But I'll try, Mom. I'll try to step forward, move on, and be happy with Alison.

After minutes of chatting with mom, Alison came with a smile on her face. She sat beside me and snaked her arms around my arms, "Btw Tita, I have good news for you."

Mom smiled excitedly, "Good news?"

"Yes, Tita." Alison looked at me and smiled, she turned her head on mom, "I'm pregnant, Tita. I'm 8 weeks pregnant!"

S-She's what?

"Oh my god! Magiging Lola ko?!"

"Oyes, Tita! At magiging ama na ang anak nyo!" She smiled and hugged me.

I should be happy knowing I'll be a father now. B-But, why I don't feel any happiness, even a little?

***

Play the song on the right side – The Hardest Thing

-PHILIPPINES-

We got home yesterday night. I'm now driving my car to visit the University where all my good memories still there. I really want to graduated to Howard University but I have this eyes surgery in New York and continued my studied there and graduated there instead.

Bumaba ako ng sasakyan ko. Napangiti ako ng makita itsura ng dating pinasukan ko. Wala pa ding pinagbago. School hours ngayon kaya wala masyadong mga estudyante ang nagkalat dito.

When I stepped forward to entered the gate, all memories with her came back. All the happy memories, love, and all the pain came back. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. It's been 5 years... My feelings for her should now all gone.

I took a deep breath and shook my head, "Wala to... Wala to..." Sambit ko sa sarili ko ng magsimula na kong maglakad papasok.

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad sa may hallway ng maalala ang senaryo noon na pinagtulungan naming magbarkada si Janelle dahil naiinis ako sa kanya noong mga panahon na yon dahil niligtas nya si Trevor. Natatawa nalang ako pag naaalala ko ang mga kalokohan ko noon. Dati, halos kamuhian ko si Trevor, pero ngayon, para na kaming magkapatid. Oo, mas madalas ko syang nakakausap kesa sa mga barkada ko. Nagkita rin kami last time sa New York dahil may business trip sya don. Masaya kaming nagkwentuhan noon. Inggit na inggit nga ako sa kanila ni Daniele dahil ang tagal nila. Nakiusap rin ako sa kanya na wag ng banggitin kay Daniele ang pagkikita namin. Ayokong malaman nila kung ano na ang nangyayari sa'kin. Ngayong nakita ko lang si Trevor, bumalik na din lahat ng sakit at pait ng nakaraan.

Dumaan din ako sa dating room namin. Pinagtitinginan nga ako ng mga estudyante. Lalo na ang mga babae. Lumabas pa nga si Ms. Laine. Nagkabatian at nagkapalitan rin kami ng numero dahil nagmamadali din sya dahil may klase pa sya. Niyakap pa nga ako ni Ms. Laine. Bakit ganun ang pakiramdam? Para bang sabik ako sa mga yakap ng bawat mga taong naiwan ko dito?

Sunod naman akong dumaan sa tambayan naming magbarkada. Kamusta na kaya silang lahat? Miss na miss ko na ang barkada ko. Yung mga kwentuhan, samahan naming walang tatalo, lahat ng tawanan at lahat ng mga problema na pilit naming nilagpasan. Unti-unti na kong nakakaramdam ng pagsikip ng dibdib ko at ang nalalapit na pagtulo ng aking mga luha.

Rooftop, ayan ang sunod kong pinuntahan. Pinikit ko ang dalawa kong mata para balikan lahat ng alaala. Ngayon ko nalang binabalak balikan ang lahat. Pagkatapos nito, ibabaon ko na at lilimutin na ang lahat para matutunan ko ng mahalin ng buo si Alison. Malapit na kaming ikasal. Buntis rin sya at magkaka-pamilya na kami. Ayoko ng kada-magkasama kami, ibang babae ang nasa isip ko. Ayoko ng kada-hahalikan ko sya, mukha pa din ni Janelle ang nasa isip ko. Ayoko ng kada-makakasiping ko sya, si Janelle pa din ang nasa isip kong katabi ko. At higit sa lahat, ayoko syang masaktan pati na rin ng magiging anak namin.

Nang matapos kong puntahan lahat ng gusto kong makita ay naisipan ko na rin ang umalis na. Mahigit ilang oras na din akong naglilibot-libot. Ang dami ko ng mga pictures kasama ang ibang mga estudyante. Nakakamiss tuloy ang buhay college noon. Parang dati lang, dadaan lang ako sa hallway nagkakagulo na ang lahat ng mga babae. Parang dati lang, masaya kaming magbabarkada. Hayy. Nakakamiss.

Papasakay na ko ng sasakyan ko ng may batang babae na kumuhit sa'kin. Lumuhod ako para magka-level kami, "Hello. Are you lost?" Tanong ko dito. Tinitigan ko ang labi nya. Para bang pamilyar. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, kasing-edad lang sya ng kapatid kong si V.

She nodded and pouted, "I can't find my mom."

"Your mom? Is she inside? Let me take you to her." Ginulo ko ang buhok nya at naamoy ang – Bakit magkaamoy sila ng buhok ni Janelle?

Nanginginig ang kamay kong hawakan ang kamay ng batang babaeng iyon. H-Hindi. H-Hindi maaari to.

"What's your name?" I asked the little girl, with my fake smile. 

"Megan. How about you, sir?"

"I'm Calvix." I fake smiled, again. Nakapasok na kami sa loob. Nilibot ko ang mata ko nagbabaka-sakaling makita ang sinasabi nyang 'Mommy' nya. Hindi ko pa din binibitawan ang kamay nya. Why holding her hand and the way she speaks like she's little Janelle?

"Calvix?"

"Yes, baby. Why?"

"My mom tells me a story every night about the boy named Calvix." My heart beats faster. This can't be.

"Megan, h-how old are you?"

"Me? I'm four. Turning 5 this year, sir." She answered, smiling. She have the same age as V. That means – No. No. It's impossible. She can't be pregnant back then! Kasama ko sya ng ilang buwan sa New York! Ni-hindi sya nagsusuka, nahihilo noon! Hindi sya buntis noon! Paanong –!

"W-What's your M-Mom's name?"

"MOMMY!" Then, she ran to –

"Calvix..." I stunned for a seconds and my heart literally stopped beating.

"Janelle..."

And all the feelings came back.

The feelings that I try to forget for 5 years.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -