It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now, a flux of emotions that have unsettled me.

I met someone last night that was an amalgamation of many exs.

She reminded me of Amy, even in looks which threw me. And in the same way Amy always pushed for me to open up and talk.

She made me think of Laney and how our relationship could never be made public because she was still living with her ex husband as she also had proclivity for married women.

She reminded me of Helena, a woman I dated briefly that loved to tell me about all the people that would hit on her, kept her house serial killer neat and kept wanting me to stay over so she could brush my hair. Probably in a pit in her basement.

She reminded me of Elenor, a woman that I had a friends with benefits arrangement. When I first met Elenor, she was very adamant about just wanting to have fun and not wanting a relationship. She ended up falling for me instead and I ended the arrangement promptly not wanting to play with her heart.

She pushed for me to open up so quickly that all my defences up immediately rose up. She toyed with my emotions with some of the things that she shared unabashedly. Even answered questions that were never asked by me. Questions that I don't ever ask because I'm well aware of how jealous I can get. Which of course made me think of Laney again, and how sometimes small things, which I never told her about, would make me feel crazy with envy, reading how she and a close friend of hers would call each other wifey. So small and petty, but sometimes you can't help how you feel. Especially when the love you share had to be hidden from the world.

She persisted, and boxes of memories got opened and shaken around. I don't think she knew me any better with the memories I shared. Or maybe she did. I don't know. What I shared was very superficial. She did, however, keep trying to read me and failed. The only thing she got right was that I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

As the night came to an end, she tried to kiss me, tried to dominate the dominant one, trying to flip the tables so to speak. I pulled away, just to see what she'd do. She laughed and tried again. Perhaps the third time would have been the charm, but we'll never know, because she didn't try again.

I walked away, with all the unboxed thoughts racing around in my head. They've been boxed back up again and put back in their place.