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❝How many deaths have you died
to be so strong? ❞

。。。

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

FEAR, WHAT IS HAPPENING, fear life, fear for your future. Fear human greed, the hunger for more. And more. They say, fear makes you weak, and vulnerable, and being weak makes you a failure in everything. And through everything I know, is that it is best, to abandon fear. Let it control your life, eat your insecurities, choke your hopes, and murder your dreams. Sweet pathetic dreams. Dreams that, make you seek things that will always haunt you, drown you into a sea of competition, pain, goals and morals. Dreams that make you desire the best of the best.

Alas, you are still struggling to achieve the best. Why? Do you like suffering? This much for what? Give up. Is the best, is truly the best? Because human heart is never at rest. It wants more. Best is not enough. 

           After all the this guts and glory, life still feels bitter. Weep, all your tears, test all your fears. Nothing can stop your heart from, feeling things it shouldn't. It is all in vain. The life we build, is not forever. It will change. And so will your heart. One day.

“I honestly don't know, what we are doing? Is it right?” On a fine, Tuesday evening I found myself questioning, feeling the heaviness of my heart, pulling me down.

Cold. Empty. Alone. I was feeling a bundle of these emotions. My heart, wasn't fine, it was searching for things it has long forgotten about. And I didn't know, what to do and what not.

        Waking up everyday, seems like a task. Because nothing is possible anymore, I feel like we're just wasting our time. Jungkook, has been very attentive these days, not to me. BUT to Kim Anna, his secretary.

I honestly, don't know what is wrong with me, I don't find this all exciting like we used to. I don't find humiliating others as joyful anymore, nor do I find scheming as delightful.

But, there's one thing I like. It is our time together. I like coming home to him, waiting for me. Having dinner, and then discussing about all our game, talking about Kim Anna, I know you must think we are crazy. And too immature.

       Though, it is true that this whole idea was indeed quite, detestable.

Yet, we don't hate it. In fact sometimes, I feel like we are in a different world with no worries, without our past. Our history, of hurt, distrust and shame.

Oh, God——————how I wish these days could last forever.  But it was only half the truth. It was far from what I wanted.

What, I want isn't just something ordinary.

As my phone rang, loudly I was forced to pull out of my reverie and stare, rejoicing at my phone. But only to be disappointed, it was an unknown number. Sighing, I push back my chair and stand up.

I was still at work. Overstaying than my usual time.

“Hello, Ms. Ivy speakin——,” I began to speak but, stopped in between when I heard the heavy breathing from the other end, my heart sank as my eyes stared hard at my blur reflection against the cold glass window.

“Ivy?” Jungkook's dark voice reached my ears, making quiver with trepidation.

“What's wrong why are you calling me from an known number——” I begin to speak but pause to ponder about the possibility of something absolutely awful happening to him. God, the mere thought anything bad happening to him terrified me, to lengths I couldn't vision.

“I can't do this anymore. This woman would drive me insane.”

I sighed turning around. Relived, but yet disappointed. What was I hoping? Of course; this was about her, these days everything is about her. Lately, the reason he calls me is because it's something related to her.

“She fucking believes I want to sleep with her. I am a married man,” his voice sounded a bit rough crude as he spoke from the other end. But, the manner of of his tone it gives me the idea that he was trying hide from someone, he wasn't alone obviously. Which is why most of his words were whispered.

“So? What do you want me to do?” I asked feeling defeated, staring dully at my red nails.

        “I don't know what I want from you. But, I know one thing, it is not her, I want——Ivy I want to come home to you, lay in your arms, hold your lush body.”

His words penetrate my soul. They dig deeper, than all his words ever could. I want to believe it, I truly want to be with him at this hour. Yet, my heart was still hurt.

“Is she there?” I questioned, choosing to ignore his words, as I hear him grunt, sharply from the other end.

It was making it difficult for me to say the words I wanted to say to him. I knew, what he wanted to hear, yet I just I could not maybe; because I wanted him to beg. Beg——for my affection, as I did in the early years of our marriage.

Lord—was this the reason why I agreed to play this game for? Even after being fully aware of his true intentions? His, deceit to get close to me. To make me fall in love with him,  again.

          “Yes. She's fucking here. Do you know, where I am right now? I'm at a motel, alone in a room with that woman——she's in the shower, God only knows what she is aiming for,” his voice, managed to knock the air out of my lungs as I struggled, but that was only for a second, before I come to realise his devious plan.

After four years of our marriage, he still believes I'm an idiot.

“Stop being so dramatic, Jungkook, you can handle this—”

My husband cuts me off with a bitter warning, “Do something. You're the one who suggested I should take her out for dinner.”

“And you're the one who suggested we should play this game,,” I snapped back, wanting nothing more but to push his buttons.

“Ivy———” his voice drags my name sounding strained, my heart yelps beating ferociously as he murmurs the next words, ever so coldly, “I am your husband, and I telling you that right now, I'm alone at a motel, with a woman I don't desire, yet I am still a man, Ivy what do you think could happen?”

“I don't want to. Its not like this would be the first time you would cheat on me. After all, you did sleep with your colleague in the second year of our marriage, Jungkook.”

I was driven to the edge of insanity because at this point, I don't know what I was saying because all I could  think about was to hurt him, I wanted him to feel like I did.

TO BE CONTINUED

Author's Note:

I hope this update was to your liking. I know a lot of you are confused with this new turn, but I promise you'll understand it, everything will be clear within the next chapters. So stick along.

Do you think Ivy is in
the wrong here?

Stay precious as you are to me.
And remember to smile, believe in yourself and stay strong. Stay at home.
Stay safe. 💜

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Thanks for reading<3

Love,
shafaq-Shapel ♥