Warning: A brief mention of a movie's bed scene 

CHAPTER 9

"What do you think, Ren?" Otoya asked right after Syo and Cecil left the restaurant.

Just like that, they were separated into two teams; the neutral and Tokiya's hater team. They used to confer on this matter and it was inevitably intense. It felt like a taboo to talk about Tokiya without giving rise to a dispute.

"They got a point and unlike us, they were there when Tokiya said those things to us. We didn't share the same pain with them," Ren said. "And we cannot expect them to accept everything like us. Everyone has their own way to deal with a wrangle."

It was always easy to talk something momentous with Ren. Despite his laid-back tendency, he was like a very understanding brother among them. His insight about everything was always mature and far-sighted.

"Yeah, you're right," Otoya agreed, scratching his red head. "Maybe I am just being stupid. I always have this hope that we can solve this. We've been friends since before we debuted so I thought there is no way our friendship can be broken because of something like this."

"No, Otoya. You're not stupid," the surprised Ren stroked Otoya's smaller back, ensuring him. "In fact, we always need someone forgiving like you. Can't you imagine how this world will turn out if everyone is stubborn and resentful like the rest of us? But, I must say that the real problem is we don't know what Tokiya thinks about this."

"I messaged him a few times," Otoya replied, causing Ren to furrow his brow. "Asking what he's doing and what not. I also updated him on Masato's condition."

"Did he reply?" Ren asked the thing that he was interested the most. He always had a guess that either the soft-hearted Natsuki or Otoya would at least try to keep in touch with Tokiya again.

"Sometimes, saying that he's working," Otoya said. It's upsetting to know that his ex-roommate went back to the workaholic him.

When he believed that they managed to make Tokiya loosened up when it comes to his work.

"It's quite vague. I wish I can talk face-to-face to him."

After finding some information from Harumi, Ren's bile withered away.

Tokiya did care about them. He just did not show it outright.

"Do you remember the day when Harumi found out about Masato's memory loss?" Ren asked when Otoya did not show any sign to throw his next remark.

Otoya nodded as he sipped his drink. His red eyes fixed on Ren's.

"She stormed off somewhere, right? I searched for her and that was when I found that she called Tokiya."

"What?" Otoya muffled, biting the straw out of shock.

"She vented everything on Tokiya. Obviously, Harumi always called him for succor."

"Which means... he's actually..." Ren swore Otoya was about to cry out of glee. He even pushed his favorite drink aside.

"Yes, he does care about Masato's family. I spoke with Harumi herself and she said, Tokiya always asked her about her father. In fact, Tokiya was the one who convinced her to be more understanding of Masato's condition."

Ren almost jumped when Otoya suddenly stood up, banging his palms on the table. The screeching sound from the chair due to the sudden movement did not make it any better for Ren's hearing. The red eyes sparkled with a swift hope and as much as Otoya was a big adult who already had two sons, his childish side had become his second nature. It was something that his teammates had grown accustomed with.

"Then, there's a hope, Ren! STARISH can be together again!" He lifted his fist in the air, resembling a determined warrior.

"Wow, easy, tiger," Ren said with a string of chuckles while pulling Otoya to his chair back. He was afraid to break the redhead's hope lest Tokiya still exacerbated their friendship. "First of all, we need to set a date so that all of us can hang out together including Tokiya."

"But, how?"

"We need Haruka for this."

Even both of them knew it would never be as easy as pie. There were still obstinate people in this crisis but the one who they needed to be considerate the most was...

Masato.

The guy could not know the words that Tokiya said to them three months ago.

"You guys know what!? I am so done with this STARISH's friendship crap! I know I don't deserve to be with the angels like you guys! I am just a stripper, the one who deserves to get burnt in hell! But one thing for sure, you guys are the losers! You guys are just so boring that you guys keep losing your fans to me. Shame on you guys!"

They knew Tokiya was not always nice with his words but this time...

He just crossed the line. He broke everyone's heart.

A glass of water followed after he swallowed the pill. A few seconds passed when the blue eyes stared intently at a certain white bottle on the kitchen counter.

It has been so many years since I counted on you, Tokiya curved in a bitter smile at the thought. He knew it was weird that he chose to internally communicate with a bottle of drugs in this early morning.

Yet, as cheesy as it might sound, no words could describe how much he felt thankful to them.

Without them, he might lose his career and also his sanity which led him to lose his life as well.

It was enough. He just lost a bunch of precious people in his life so he did not need to lose more.

It was anguished to face up to.

As soon as he headed for the living room, he found his manager, sitting alone on the grey sofa. His face contorted in dissatisfaction as he was studying Tokiya's new movie script.

Another movie with a ridiculous plot that he wanted to dissent so bad.

"Tokiya, are you sure you're okay with this?" Himura asked, carefully. He closed the script harshly, indirectly showing his stand.

"Why?" Tokiya asked back. For some reason, he was standing still in the midst of the room while his right hand was pulled to his back.

"Well, how should I put this..." Himura sighed for the nth time when his brain seemed halting to choose more appropriate words. "I know your public image is... kind of..."

"Yes, I am a stripper so what's the problem?" Tokiya cut him short. He never agreed with the use of 'kind of' when his public image was undoubtedly offensive.

"But this is too creepy, Tokiya," at last, the brown-haired man voiced what he truly felt. He glowered at the script as if it was a horror novel with a chilling ghost as the cover. "Your scenes with the heroine... Man, how come they have the audacity to shoot those kinds of scenes? What kind of lewd things do they make you..."

"I am a stripper, remember?" When he repeated the same sentence like a robot, it demonstrated enough clue for Himura that he was worried about nothing. "Plus, this is my job. I have to be professional no matter how lewd those scenes might be."

"Well, as a manager and not a professional celebrity like you, I never understand that term when it's according to your logic. How come that word has anything to do with the fact that the director can exploit an actor to do those indecent scenes? If they want to express love or something, there are so many things they can do. Just a simple thing like giving a flower can express love between the two main characters."

"But I have to make the scenes real. The audience nowadays enjoys more realism so..."

"Enjoy realism as in fantasizes about your body, doing yada yada yada with them?" Himura interrupted him with a smirk. He deliberately said those words in a slow manner, with the hope that it could penetrate Tokiya's thick skull. "All I can see every time I read your movie scripts was they romanticize abusive relationship. Most of your characters are hot but cruel. The saddest thing is the heroines still stupidly love them. Lucky for me, I don't have a daughter. Or else, I might spend every night thinking how am I going to raise her when the TV and internet keep promoting these kinds of movies. Not to mention you're the hero."

"Himura-san, why are you being so serious all of sudden? Normally, you're..." Something just struck in his head. That was when he realized why Himura would disappear sometimes until he was done with his movie shooting.

It was because Himura thought that...

"Of course, it's a serious thing that needs a serious consideration," Himura cut him short with the next sarcasm. "Those scenes are disgusting and offensive."

Yeah, I know it. He thought that I am disgusting, Tokiya thought, trying his hardest not to be upset.

"But you are not, Tokiya. You're not disgusting," their eyes locked together and Tokiya could not see the look of disgust from Himura anymore. Instead, it was soft and full of care. "If you used a double for those kinds of scenes, I would never be this angry. I don't know them so they can do whatever they want but I know you, Tokiya. I know inside your heart, you hate to be used like that, right?"

"No," Tokiya said, trying hard to maintain his poker face. He did not want anyone's empathy, including his own manager. "Never. All I thought that since I am a stripper, I should do my job properly to fulfill the expectation. They expected me to be as racy as possible and I should do that."

"You liar," Himura said. Tokiya knew his manager was about to snap but he decided to ignore it. "The Tokiya I know is off-screen which means, he is just a decent guy who doesn't enjoy touching the girls. Instead, he loves simple things like children and books. Those things are not even close with his on-screen title. Trust me. With those qualities, people can see the different shell of you. Instead of seeing you like a cold alpha male or whatever they call you, people will change their opinion about you and who knows, you will find your true love. You will find someone who doesn't only love your good looks."

"My true love..." Tokiya as he let his eyes wandered. "Does someone like that really exist, Himura-san?" 

"What?" 

"Masato deserved Haruka because he's a saint. They're a match from heaven," Tokiya said, staring at his other hand who had touched so many girls for his acting. "But, me... someone filthy like me, is there someone out there who will love me sincerely, Himura-san? Can she and her family accept my past?"

"Tokiya, don't say that," Himura stood, heading for Tokiya. He was oblivious of the fact that he just let himself getting into Tokiya's trap. 

"No, it's okay. Just what's wrong with me? Being poetic all of sudden," Tokiya chuckled bitterly before throwing a suggestive look at his manager. "But before I start working, I want to say that I am truly sorry, Himura-san."

"What? Why?" 

Tokiya formed a wide smile as he brought his hand forward, which he had his perfume. That was when Himura realized that Tokiya always had his right hand on his back. "Because I want you to wear this."

Without a further warning, he sprayed his favorite perfume over Himura's body, sending the manager to gasp out of surprise. "I know you are embarrassed to use the one that I bought for you so now when I also had it, we're even. Now, you matched your artist's smell."

"What!?"

For the rest of the morning, Tokiya got an earful again; this time for randomly spraying a perfume over his manager.

At least, he managed to divert Himura's attention from convincing him that his personality was way more beautiful than his physical appearance.

What a person did not feel touched when someone sincerely showed his care for him? It was not like he did not appreciate Himura's compassion but he truly did not need it.

Ostensibly, the fate decided to bless Tokiya's afternoon break with an encounter with Natsuki. Knowing the big guy, he would never enjoy his peace for the whole day. He knew Natsuki had a regular shooting for a children show in the same studio but they rarely bumped into each other.

"Tokiya!!" Natsuki screamed excitedly, running like a hunting tyrannosaurus towards the stiff Tokiya. The next thing he realized was Natsuki already trapped him into his genial hug. "It's nice to see you! Are you shooting a movie here?"

It's... nice? Which part?

"Yes. Are you taking a break?" Tokiya glanced through his shoulder since Natsuki did not show any sign to pull away.

Three months passed since he avoided all his teammates including this guy but for some reason, Natsuki always could find him. He even acted like they were just drifting apart solely because of their works and not because of their fracas.

"Yes, I am! I want to buy some foods for the children. You're taking a break as well, right? Let's meet them! They are all so cute! I bet you'll love to play with them."

"Oh, it's okay," Tokiya remarked, almost immediately. Obviously, he felt so awkward and it was also clear that Natsuki decided not to bother with it.

I don't think so, Natsuki. The parents of the kids won't allow a stripper like me to approach their kids.

His friendship with Natsuki was what they could describe as oil and water. He found that sometimes, it was hard for the reserved him to keep up with Natsuki's energetic pace. While his duet song with Natsuki, 'Still, Still, Still' was depicted as heavenly since both of them had an outstanding singing skill, Tokiya had a funnier story to tell.

It was also a 'horror' story since all they had done after their recording session was sharing their opinion about love and when Tokiya vented his sincere perspective, Natsuki took his answer too dramatically. Natsuki ended up crying before holding him high. For the first time in Tokiya's tranquil life, he shouted desperately for help and ended up feeling nauseous for the rest of the day.

It also managed to serve as a traumatized experience for Tokiya but because of the big guy, he got more comfortable with his friends when it comes to skin contact.

"I miss you... No, we miss you, Tokiya," the soft voice reached his ears when he could feel Natsuki tightened his hug.

Tokiya pretended not to hear the confession.

Natsuki knew Tokiya never responded whenever he said that all of them missed him. Most probably, the blue head did not feel the same as them.

Or maybe Tokiya just did not believe in him when in fact, he was saying the truth. Most of them might criticize Tokiya but Natsuki knew they missed the guy.

They just did not find the chance or moxie to say it out loud.

"Are you okay, Tokiya? Your face looks dreadful," Natsuki asked, patting his back continuously. It was his infamous way of showing affection and care. It was also the way he fulfilled the awkward moment when he lacked Tokiya's response.

"I am okay," Tokiya replied, patting Natsuki's wider back in return. He could hear some staffs around them squealing to see them hugging.

STARISH was used to be admired for their brotherhood anyway.

"Did they bully you? Did they force you to do something indecent again?" It was the familiar tone that Natsuki would use whenever he knew his teammate was burdened with problems.

"No. Why are you even asking that?"

"Beats me..." Natsuki sighed. He did not even bother to pull away. They were talking about something private anyhow. "I just heard a weird rumor and it reminded me of you."

"A rumor?"

"Yes. These guys said something like there are some perverted directors or producers who always take advantage of some hot actors. You know, they will ask them to have a secret relationship or something else that I believe... it's about obscene things."

Tokiya did not notice that he was holding his breath as soon as Natsuki's remarks reached his ears. His hand which reached Natsuki's back balled into a quivering fist.

"I know it's just a rumor but I can't help but worry about you. You are the Heart-throb anyway. I bet you will be their target as well."

Why, Natsuki? Why do you even bother to...

"They didn't harass you, right? You're safe from that, right, Tokiya?"

He knew Natsuki did not mean any harm. He just showed his care outright but nevertheless...

It felt like a punch for Tokiya who was indeed one of the victims.

"No, they didn't," he said, pulling away from the hug. He himself felt unconvinced with his answer but he desperately hoped that it was enough for Natsuki.

"That's a relief then," Natsuki's shoulders visibly dropped out of contentment and it stung Tokiya's heart. "I am so afraid that something terrible like that will happen to you out of those people."

Tokiya was staring at everywhere but Natsuki. Maybe it was the time for him to leave the guy now before he was bombarded with another disturbing question again.

"Oh, I almost forgot about that!" Natsuki exclaimed while clasping his big hands together, sending Tokiya recoiled. "Did it feel good to see Masato again?"

"Huh?"

"The interview! I am glad you could smile that way, Tokiya. It must feel so comfortable to have your teammate around, right? Right?"

No answer from Tokiya who desperately found a reason to leave the corridor as soon as possible.

"I guess my plan worked so well!"

"What?" Tokiya's eyes returned to Natsuki's. The blue pair sized up amusingly. "Natsuki, what do you mean?"

"This time, I'll make sure that you'll visit Masato at his house. I bet he's waiting for you, Tokiya!"

"Wait, what?"

Instead of answering him, Natsuki immediately left the speechless Tokiya in the middle of the corridor.

"Good luck for your next rendezvous with him, Tokiya! Just remember that I did all of these because I love you guys!" In the blink of an eye, the tall figure disappeared to who-knows-where.

Tokiya was still staring at the same direction with his mouth slightly opened.

Natsuki, why?

Natsuki, why!?

Tokiya kept mentally chanting the same name even after a few days especially when he was standing right in front of Masato's house. Even nobody told him, he was positive that the big guy was the reason why his greedy president was kind enough to make his schedule free for the sake of visiting Masato.

Natsuki was an extreme go-getter. He always had a wide smile on his face but Tokiya was one of the six lucky people who knew that the smile did not always mean something good for everyone.

Maybe just for today, he thought.

When he was still pounding over knocking on the door, it was slowly wide open from inside, revealing the beaming Haruka. The composer was so excited to receive his call this morning so her reaction did not appear as a surprise for him.

Except for the fact that she looked so beautiful every time she smiled.

"Hi, Tokiya!" she waved at him cutely. "You're coming!"

"Yes, I am," he said, sounded more robotic than he intended to. Unconsciously, he returned her wave, which made her chuckled.

"Oh, what's wrong with us? Waving childishly at each other," Haruka remarked, naughtily.

"It's your fault. You started it first," Tokiya said with the same tone before putting his hand down.

"I am sorry. I am just too excited," she remarked, honestly. "Please come in, Tokiya."

"Thank you. Sorry for the disturbance," he said slowly, allowing himself into the big house which held so many memories for him as a STARISH member.

This was one of their regular places to practice their songs but since a few years ago, he rarely dropped by here.

He tried his best to ignore Masato and Haruka's big wedding picture as he passed the living room.

Despite the fact that Haruka asked him to get into Masato's room right away, Tokiya was standing still behind the ajar door. He looked emotionless but no words could describe how much his heart shattered apart as soon as the sight of Masato, who was trying his hardest to walk on his own reached his eyes. When the scion was panicky with the possibility of giving way, he quickly clung to the closet from his side. His hands were shaking from using all his energy in order to support his weight.

Masato, his friend was struggling.

Just like other guys, he knew Masato long enough to think that the guy did not deserve this kind of hindrance. The guy also shared his dream with Tokiya.

"I want to be healthy enough to survive more than 50 years. I hope I will die after I see my children get married and have children too. It'll be the greatest moment for me and Haruka. Oh, I want to see your family too, Tokiya. I bet your children will be adorable."

Tokiya also knew well enough about Masato's disease, thanks to Otoya's messages.

Masato's percentage to survive was very low.

For once, his loving and loyal side led and pushed him to walk towards Masato. He walked so slow that when he finally caught Masato's attention, the scion almost lost his grip on the closet out of shock.

"Oh, hey, Tokiya," the blue eyes sized up. Obviously, he did not want to be caught in such a position. "Since... Since when..."

"Just now," the said guy said, flatly. "Want me to help you?"

"Huh?"

"Come on, hold my arms. I will guide you step by step," he stretched out his arms to Masato's side, expecting the guy to cling to them.

For whatever reason, the usual stubborn Masato did not say anything about Tokiya's sudden help. Instead, he slowly grasped Tokiya's arms. The vast difference between Masato's skinny arms and Tokiya's muscular arms were visible once they were entwined with each other.

When Masato exclaimed softly for Tokiya's strength, for the other blue head, his heart shattered again.

"Be careful," Tokiya said, slightly bent his knees as Masato almost collapsed. "It's okay. I got you."

"Thank you, Tokiya."

"Don't mention it."

Seconds passed with Tokiya slowly moved backward, helping Masato to move his legs.

"Since when have you done this?" Tokiya asked, eyes still fixed on Masato's fragile legs.

"Huh? Since... Since two weeks ago, I guess," Masato answered, nervously.

"Then, let's see the progress, shall we?"

"But..."

"It's okay. I will catch you if you collapse. Trust me," Tokiya's voice still echoed the same vibe of coldness. The idol did not sound as friendly as his teammates but for some reason, the care that he emitted matched theirs.

Masato knew he was blessed with a circle of great friends.

"Tokiya."

"Hm?"

"Can you please not to tell Haruka about this? I don't want her to get worried."

"Sure. My mouth is sealed."

Little did they know, Haruka was watching them from the ajar door. A small smile plastered over her face as she saw the cold Tokiya showed his compassionate side again after drifting apart from them for so long.

Thank you, Tokiya. 

Okayyyy, that's all for chapter 9! I just can't move on from "Still, Still, Still" drama CD that I just had to include one of the scenes in this chapter. I love the interaction between Natsuki and Tokiya >< Okay, enough with the ramble. It'll make me happy if you can drop a comment for this chapter. Thank you for reading!