Warning: Longer chapter, mentions of sexual assaults and suicide attempt. 

CHAPTER 23

Tokiya's first week of being hospitalized was great anguish. Being nagged by Himura and the doctor who no longer showed admired him as he used to was his morning greeting.

"You never learned, did you?" was what the doctor said.

"Of course he didn't, doctor. This guy is unbelievable," Himura supplied.

But, it was not Tokiya's way to talk back to people who were much older than him and said the right things. His silence did not mean he would follow their advice or orders though. Once he was discharged, he would continue his routine; working himself to death.

But, apparently, God sure did not agree with him. These past days had been chaotic and he almost did not have time to be spaced out since STARISH always dropped a visit. No matter how cold he acted, no matter how many times he pretended to sleep so that he would not have to talk to them and no matter how much he glared at them...

Their smiles were still so bright, just like when they were still close friends.

Were they still friends? Tokiya did not care anymore. He tried to make them know that he built an invisible wall between them but the longer he tried to keep their distance, the closer they became. Even Cecil and Syo who were so hostile towards him before also became soft-hearted and were even willing to nurse him.

"Since you both are free this morning and tomorrow, why don't you both take care of him?"

Tokiya expected them to argue right away as they received a crazy suggestion from Ren but much to his surprise, they just nodded and stayed silent. Syo opened his mouth only after Ren left them.

"Just so you know, we're not going to nurse you because we love you."

"I don't care," Tokiya remarked with the softest and most annoying voice he could make.

That only declared a childish war between them. It seemed like everyone just ganged up on him, making sure that he would relax as much as possible. Even when Tomochika visited him, Himura forbad her from saying a word about their upcoming projects.

"Please, Himura-san. At least bring my tablet PC or phone. I am going crazy if I just lie down here and do nothing," after two days, Tokiya decided to plead with Himura.

"What do you mean by doing nothing? You can just watch TV or keep talking to your friends. They don't just visit you for nothing you know."

Tokiya did not see the function of his friends in this humdrum situation until this particular day. It was when Cecil and Syo decided to be so noisy by lecturing on healthy lifestyle, thanks to the internet.

"Using caffeine is definitely a no-no for sleep. If you take in moderate doses, it can block sleep neurotransmitters which cause insomnia. Instead, you should take foods that contain... tryptophan? What the hell is this? Oh, it's amino acid," Cecil who still had a hard time to read kanji had his eyes so close to his phone screen.

"78% of people use gadgets before going to bed but they emit blue light which is said to delay melatonin production. Hah, serves you right, Tokiya! No wonder you got a phone curfew from Himura-san!"

These two chipmunks are so noisy, Tokiya thought. His back was facing them while he had his pillow covering his head. He was supposed to maintain that posture until they got tired but instead...

He was the one who lost his temper first. Since he did not have any respect for them unlike with Himura or the doctor, Tokiya ended up flinging all sorts of tools in the first class ward to his friends.

"Get out of here! How am I supposed to produce melatonin if you don't shut up!?"

"Waaaah, somebody, help! The patient is getting out of his mind!" Syo screamed at the top of his lungs, moving towards the door.

"Even you kicked us out, we won't give up, Tokiya! We'll disturb you!" Cecil yelled like a determined warrior.

Tokiya could not care less when he flung the tray straight to Syo's head, let alone when the guy passed out.

"Wahh, Syo! Are you okay!?" Cecil exclaimed, holding the half-dead Syo.

Tokiya absolutely could not care less.

Yet, he could not care more when on the same day, Masato visited him.

"We need to talk," was what the guy said. It was hard to guess what he had in his mind given his face was emotionless. For sure, the usual excitement and brightness that Tokiya could spot every time he met the guy was not there.

Of course he'd put that face. Why should he smile at me? I wanted to steal his family after all.

"Honey, I will pick you up later," Haruka noted, stroking her husband's hair before giving the last glance at another blue head. She immediately reminded Tokiya of something.

Nanami Haruka was not the only woman who he loved but also the only woman who hit his head after the album meeting since she was fed up with his aloofness.

"I think so too," Tokiya replied.

"That jerk... he didn't have to hurl the tray, you know!"

Meanwhile, other STARISH members and Himura were breaking into Tokiya's house. The whole house was full with Syo's complaints, emphasizing how he got the bruise on his forehead.

"Then, is it okay if the glass hit you instead?" Cecil mocked.

"That's not what I meant!"

"Now I know why Tokiya tended to be cool when he's angry. It's because he saved up his energy in order to beat you two," Ren said, observing the living room. As expected from Tokiya, his place was always neat. Given how private he was, it was impossible for Tokiya to hire someone to tidy up his house. "He must be waiting for that moment to come."

"Shut up!" Both the chipmunks yelled back.

They proceeded to Tokiya's bedroom right away. Ren was sitting at Tokiya's table with Himura sat next to him. They were staring at Tokiya's light blue laptop while Cecil and Syo were rummaging through Tokiya's big closet.

Oh, my. Tokiya will certainly fling more things if he sees this, Otoya thought. Suddenly the thought of when Tokiya yelled at him back then when he tried out HAYATO's costume sending the shiver down his spine.

"Hey, stop making a mess! You guys do know how much he hates it, don't you!?" Otoya warned right away.

"It's okay. We'll fold his clothes as precise as he did," Cecil said confidently but that only made Otoya shake his head with the most horrified expression that he had ever put this year.

"No, that's not going to work. He certainly can spot the difference!"

"What's his password again?" luckily for Syo and Cecil's ears, Otoya's attention was diverted to Ren's quizzical voice. "Luckily he doesn't even bother to buy the more sophisticated one since this one lasted for years. If he uses the one which requires his fingerprint, it'll be harder for us."

"That's the easiest part about Tokiya. He takes care of his things well," Himura supplied. His brown eyes were still gazing at the screen as if the password would magically appear if he did it any longer. "But, he's bad at remembering his own passwords."

"Oh, really?" The other three said, almost in unison.

"Yeah. He can't remember complicated passwords. I have to remind him except for this password because he never tells me."

"Then, he must store something juicy here," Ren said, straightening his back eagerly. "I wonder what's the easiest password for him."

Suddenly, Natsuki's long fingers reached up, carefully typing a certain word out. Much to their shock, Tokiya's desktop background which only showed the laptop brand appeared without ado.

"Huh??" Himura and Otoya exclaimed, staring at the beaming Natsuki.

"Natsuki, how?" Ren turned his body, facing the said guy.

"Hihi. It's STARISH," the big guy remarked, showing a 'peace' sign. "Himura-san just said that Tokiya can't remember complicated passwords, right? And my head is still blooming with how he defended me from the juniors who ignored me so I guess his mind would easily remember STARISH."

As for Himura who always believed that Tokiya still appreciated his group, Natsuki's explanation did not come out as a surprise. But, for Otoya and Ren, a soft and warm feeling slowly clouded their hearts which used to be hostile towards the T of STARISH.

Tokiya... he still remembered their friendship despite his detachment.

"That's amazing, Natsuki!" they exclaimed, raising their thumbs.

Meanwhile, for some reasons, Syo and Cecil were silently shedding tears.

"Thank you," Natsuki replied.

"Then, our job will be easier then. Let's invade this dude's privacy, shall we?" Ren rolled up his black sleeves. With his bulged muscles, he looked like he wanted to slam another head against the table instead of just simply clicking files in the laptop.

"Hey, what're you guys doing?" Natsuki lifted his head, asking Syo and Cecil who were in their own world and did not bother to tidy up Tokiya's closet as they promised. When he received no responses, the tallest guy in STARISH approached them and that was when louder sobs reached his ears.

"Why are you visiting me?" was the first sentence that came out of Tokiya after the silence between he and Masato was too suffocating.

"Why shouldn't I?" Masato asked back.

"I threatened you to steal your family. You should wish this guy to have the worst luck ever instead of visiting him," Tokiya said. Unlike Masato, he still had no moxie to face his twin.

"Not when this guy acted suspiciously," Masato said, finally pulling his stern expression. The other guys already told him what they had found from the psychiatrists but he was not satisfied yet. "I admit, at first I was so scared. I don't remember anything about our past so can you imagine how I felt when I found out that you resented me? Of course I was panicky!"

Masato could spot how hard Tokiya bit his lips. It was unison with how tight his hands clutched his blanket.

"I am sorry."

"You suddenly sounded sincere after successfully being intimidating," Masato remarked, leaning his body forward as he talked. "You did that because you have a secret, right?"

And Masato could spot how shaky Tokiya's blue eyes were. Yes, he did have a secret.

"Yes, I have."

"Then, tell me everything," Masato said. His voice was slightly husky from his determination to emphasize his words. "I know it's not proper to force you but I believe, what happened to you had also involved me. Remember, you told me that you suffered a lot when I was still healthy so you don't want to suffer more when I am sick. So, I am doing this because I don't want to cause more trouble for you. If there's anything I can do despite my condition, I will do it."

Damn... he remembered exactly what I told him. Well, of course he would. I was cruel to him.

It took a moment for Tokiya to reply. His eyes were close but God knew how busy his brain was in order to collect his thoughts.

"You still don't want to cause troubles for me when I threatened you that I would steal your family? Really, Masato?"

"I believe if you really wanted to steal them, you'd do it a long time ago."

"Maybe I just wanted to wait for the biggest opportunity. Now, you're sick so I can..."

"You love my children anyway and I am so happy for that. If I die soon, I trust you enough to take care of them. As for Haruka, if she eventually falls in love with you after I die, I don't see why I should oppose it. She has a right to start a new life."

That was enough to shut Tokiya up. Mentioning death clearly left something for Tokiya's heart and at this moment, Masato had learned something.

Tokiya was a loyal friend. This guy never betrayed him.

"Stop that nonsense, won't you?" Tokiya muttered, clearly feeling annoyed at Masato's spontaneity.

"Then, stop making yourself a jerk and spit it out already. Everything."

Heavy sigh layered the tension between them before Tokiya began.

"It all started with our titles. The Saint and The Stripper..."

"Owh..." was Ren's first response as soon as he clicked the pictures folder, followed by Otoya's stiff expression.

"Well, he did save a lot of STARISH's pictures," Himura remarked, smiling bitterly at the two friends' responses. The manager believed STARISH would reunite soon once they collected sufficient evidence.

And if Tokiya still decided to be stubborn and cold, he would not hesitate to whack the guy and send him to the hospital again if it meant it could mend his relationship with his friends. Despite the violence that he wanted to apply, all Himura wished was for Tokiya to be happy. He had spent so much time for being alone and he did not deserve that.

"He even saved pictures from Syo's wedding. I thought that Himura-san forced him to come here," Otoya remarked. The red eyes did not leave the pictures which consisted of them, gathering around Syo and his wife, Risa in a hall. Out of them, Tokiya, whose shoulders were held by Natsuki had the stiffest expression despite his bright smile.

"Yes, I did. I practically had to drag him to attend the wedding. It's so hard and he's heavy," Himura explained.

"Well, now we knew that deep inside, he was happy for Syo. What a great actor," Ren commented, proceeding to click the next file.

"Syo, don't be angry anymore. Tokiya did not feel forced to attend your wedding. He even saved all the great moments," Otoya said but he received no responses from Syo who were sitting between Cecil and Natsuki, facing the closet.

"Come to think of it, he was also happy to attend Haruka and Masato's wedding. You know, when he still loves Haruka and everything," Otoya pointed out.

"This guy is so complicated. Because of him, we have to be a detective," Ren remarked. His palm was supporting his chin while the other one still randomly clicked other files.

Eventually, they found a file with 'Ichinose Tokiya' name.

"What's this? His pictures?" Ren mumbled, only finding that he was wrong forthwith.

Instead, it revealed a lot of audio files.

"His songs?" Otoya suggested.

"But he did put all songs in 'Songs' folder, right?" Ren answered. "Or did he already receive new songs from Haruka, Himura-san?"

"No, she doesn't give any yet," Himura confirmed.

"I wonder what it is," Ren muttered, playing the first audio file.

It started with no sound for almost two minutes before Saotome's nonchalant voice echoed in the room.

"I know. I know how you're feeling right now. I understand it but I don't think we should settle it here. You don't want my maids to find out those embarrassing things about you, right?"

"President?" Otoya exclaimed, his flawless forehead was furrowed as he paid his fullest concentration.

"You don't have to meet me this soon, you know? You should go back to your dorm first and take a shower."

"Take a shower? For what?"

They never heard Tokiya's voice turned out so shaky and throaty like this.

"I know you're still shocked, Tokiya. It still doesn't feel comfortable, right? It's normal since it's your first time. Soon, you'll get used to it. But seriously, that guy... I did tell him to make a beginner like you sleep instead of putting a 'rape drug' in your drink."

The three guys gasped in shock. Those eyes with different colors widened as so many disturbing words lingered in the air.

Comfortable. First time. Beginner. Sleep. Rape drug and... No, the whole lines were so wrong in so many levels.

"So, that means there'll be second, third and so on? That's why you want me to take a shower as soon as possible. It'll obliterate the sins that you and Kouda-san have committed to me."

Otoya might still not understand the whole point of the conversation but Tokiya's low voice was enough to make his tears welled up. He was oblivious that Natsuki, Syo, and Cecil were currently shedding tears because of the reason that he would learn soon.

"Why did you do that, president? All this time, I looked up to you and I even wanted to be successful like you. Why did you do that?"

"It's because you can bring more profits to everyone, Tokiya. You're the most valuable asset in our agency and you should be honored with that."

"But why I felt like you just treated me like a plaything? I never gave consent to something like this but why did you..."

"Come on, Tokiya. You felt miserable because you keep thinking that such a thing is abnormal. You should tell yourself that..."

"That's totally abnormal! What president would make his idol getting assaulted like that!? Are you freaking kidding me!? I didn't join your agency so that you can treat me like a prostitute!"

Ren might look the calmest out of them but his hand which was landed on the touch pad was shivering in rage. His sharp brain quickly could guess what were Saotome's ultimate but vicious goals and plans.

"Too bad. You're going to serve those who want you. There are five of them and I believe more will come soon."

Otoya's tears dropped. As for Himura, the chair which Ren sat on was the only support he relied on when his mind could not endure the truth from the recording.

"Just use your brain like you usually do, Tokiya. Use it. Just why did I frequently pair you up with Masato? It's because he has a sainted image and you're the carbon copy of him. Since that particular quality is meant for him, you guys cannot carry the same image. You, Tokiya should be the opposite him. Just like how there are always the smart and athletic twins, you will be the Stripper when Masato is the Saint."

This was the answer for Himura's long-time question about why Tokiya was willing to act any kind of scene.

"Your level is way different from your teammates, Tokiya. In this industry, it's normal when a versatile idol like you is secretly chosen to serve the VIPs. You have a great figure so just make use of it! Their mouths will totally be sealed. They never spill the beans as long as you do your job. Even the super-rich Nakamura Yuna is also interested in you. Can you imagine how luxurious your life will be, Tokiya?"

This one answered Himura about why Tokiya hated Yuna and her father so much.

"It's not enough. Shining Agency is still on a par with Raging Entertainment so I will do whatever it takes to crush that freaking company. So, in order to reach the goal, I will use you, Tokiya. You belong to me so you'll do as I say."

"I am not an object!"

"Your parents ditched you so basically nobody owns you! Instead, as stated in your contract, you'll do whatever the agency wants including to be the Stripper. Soon, people also will see you in that way so you can't run from that, Tokiya! You got me!?"

More tears dropped from Otoya's red eyes. He himself was an orphan so he would be the person who would understand the feeling of belonging to no one the most.

"Or else, I will pick your friends to do your job instead. Do you want an innocent freak like Otoya to replace you? Or perhaps, I can pick Cecil who always says that he appreciates STARISH shits and what not? It's your choice, Tokiya. Or... I can make Haruka to do it instead. I bet there are still VIPs who love an innocent girl like her. She'll be easy to manipulate."

At last, this was the answer why Tokiya desperately tried to keep this secret from STARISH.

It was because he wanted to protect them. He did not want them to be sacrificed instead.

More audio files were played and they broke their hearts more.

"So, since I am diagnosed with the disorders, I guess I can seek treatment, right?"

"No. You're not allowed to seek any therapy since it will risk other idols to know your disorders including your friends."

Ren swore he would strangle Saotome once he saw him.

"Allowing you to consult a psychiatrist will risk your secret of being a whore so it's definitely a no-no for me. Masato already asked me if there is something wrong with your mental health so I can't afford to risk anything after this. Just solve it yourself."

This one answered them about why Dr. Murano faked Tokiya's health report.

Next, more recordings...

"Just snap out of it, Tokiya! They just 'used' you sometimes because they like you. They like your figure and your job is making them satisfied. Just deal with whatever disorder you have! I don't care! But, this will be the first and last warning from me. I don't want to say much. If your teammates know your illness, all of you are finished. I will make sure that STARISH will completely be wiped out from the showbiz forever."

"No, president! Please, don't take any of my friends! I promise I will do better! Please, I beg you..."

"Why should you protect someone like Ren? You're informed that he used to be a playboy, right? Even he's changed, I bet it doesn't hurt much if he replaces you. He can work way better than you."

"No, please, president! You can do anything to me but please don't take my friends! Please!"

"Then, do your job right. No matter what kind of preference they have, you're supposed to obey them like a slave!"

"Please... just pause it for a minute," at last, Otoya blurted out what his mind had screamed. "I just can't take it anymore."

"Don't worry, Otoya," Ren clicked the 'pause' button, smiling bitterly at the redhead. "I was thinking the same thing too. More pleading voice from Tokiya and I swear I will kill someone right away."

"I know right," Himura added.

Everything around them felt numb. No one had enough energy to spare when it was all absorbed by the darkest truth that they had founded.

Tokiya's pleading, Tokiya's suffer... All of them took place a long time ago and...

They had never been there. The guy had suffered alone but they were too oblivious of it. They were blinded by their dissatisfaction and misunderstanding.

"I want to see Tokiya so bad now," Ren whispered but it was enough for the other two to hear.

"Me too," Otoya mumbled.

"Hey, guys. You should read this one," Syo's cracked voice interrupted the silence as he showed a brown diary.

The guy, Natsuki and Cecil had their eyes as red as Otoya's.

What? There's more?

In the ward, no words came out from the scion's half-open mouth. Instead, only his deep breath expressed what he truly felt while his blue eyes looked like they wanted to bulge.

Masato was too angry that his feeling quickly towered over all his senses. His hands were shaking as if he would punch somebody right away.

And if only his legs could function normally, somebody would die today because he would pounce on the bastard and strangle him to death.

That so-called respected president... he would sure he would end the bastard's life.

"I admit that I did blame you from time to time when things went wrong but trust me. Rather than making me suffer, you saved me a lot. One of the occasions that I still remember until now is I used to stare at a knife, wondering if I should stab myself or just cut my wrist. I wonder which one was the smarter choice, which one didn't hurt much. I was so despondent and I felt lost. Just then, you showed up. Even you acted innocent and even asked me did I cook something, I had this hunch that deep inside, you know what I've gone through but just like me, you were threatened."

It was Masato's turn to close his eyes. Tokiya's face looked spiteful all of sudden since it cruelly made Masato imagined easier.

How miserable Tokiya would look like as his mind was battling either stabbing himself or cutting his wrist would be the better choice.

"Ah, I am so mad now. What should I do?"

"You gave me the reasons to keep alive, Masato. Your support made me strong. And when Harumi was born, I must say that she completed my life. She gave me this strange vibe that made me feel I have to live for her. Her smile healed me every time I remembered those assaults especially the first one. The rape drug and the fact that I was touched by a man... It haunted me and..."

"Stop, that, Tokiya," Masato's hand grabbed Tokiya's arm but his voice was sterner. "You're shaking."

"You too, Masato."

"It's because I am angry. It's not dangerous but you... You're shaking because you're traumatized, right? This is the reason why you got the illnesses, right?"

"It's okay. I can handle that," releasing his arm from Masato's, his hands clutched each other. He shut his eyes, mentally convinced himself to calm down. "I am used to this. I think my body can handle this."

"I said, stop that!" Masato's violence always emerged but this was the first time he hit Tokiya right on his head. "Why do you have to torture yourself more!? You endured it alone for so long and now, you decided to recall it? If you have time and energy for that, you should use them to fight for your rights!"

"I am too tired for that. I've tried so many times but I failed and each try was so painful," Tokiya said. His voice cracked as the familiar emotionally pain felt like it just squeezed his throat. "I just want to let everything go. I don't want to bottle up anymore since they're hurting me. If I keep holding my memories with you guys, I'll continue feeling the pain. I am so tired, Masato."

Masato's shoulders slowly dropped.

What should I say to him? I don't think letting him go is what everyone wants.

"So, are you saying that letting go everything including STARISH is the right choice? When all of those guys want to patch up with you? When your sacrifice was all for them including me?"

"It doesn't matter. You guys have a great life and I am so happy about that."

"What about Harumi? What should we say to her if she asks to meet you?" Masato said, trying his best to suppress his anger.

"I don't know. I guess I have to forget her and..." Tokiya gasped as Masato suddenly grabbed his collar harshly. Blue eyes with rage reached his sight.

"You have to keep fighting for your right, Tokiya! You're not a Stripper and you should prove it to everyone! It's not too late for you to change what the public has in their mind about you!"

"You don't need to be concerned about that, Masato. I just officially withdrew from STARISH..."

"No, you don't! STARISH is supposed to be a seven-member-group and it has to be that way forever!"

Ren's dramatic voice echoed, sending the two blue heads wondered about...

Since when the rest of their friends and Himura were behind them? They never noticed it. But one thing for sure...

The five pair of eyes settled on Tokiya. Only him.

Those familiar but warm looks... when was the last time he got it? Tokiya could not recall it.

"Rest assured, Masato. This idiot will never betray you for Haruka," Ren said, pointing at Tokiya who understood him right away.

"I know," Masato said. No words were needed. Just like siblings, they could read each other's mind right away.

All of them wanted Tokiya in STARISH. He could not leave them forever.

"Given how shocked they looked like, I think they already found the truth, Tokiya," Masato said, eyeing the speechless Tokiya.

As expected, Otoya and Natsuki were the fastest to trap his stiff body into the warmest hug.

The hug which indicated that their brothers-like friendship had started again.

Tokiya's mind was empty. He tried to digest and figure out the outcome of this dramatic moment but at the same time, he was overjoyed with the tender attention from them.

"We're sorry, Tokiya. We hurt you a lot," was what Natsuki and Otoya kept whispering to his ears.

For sure, if they knew everything, they would be doomed but the other side of Tokiya's mind convinced him that it was fine to cherish this moment. It was totally fine for him to accept their warm hugs. It was completely okay for him to sigh in relief that his burden slowly faded away from his shoulders.

It was because this time, it was their turn to fight for him. 

As usual, please let me know what do you think about this chapter, okay? See you guys soon :)