"Holy cow..."

I gulped, nodding. "I know,"

Esme looked up from the floor and over at me. "All that happened? And I never clocked on? How could I not even realise in the background of my life my best friend was having a relationship with a former teacher,"

"Well-" I nervously butted."-it's not exactly a relationship we have going on,"

She scrunched her face up hopelessly confused. "But you like him?"

"Well course I do but- things aren't as easy as you like a person you get into a relationship with them... y'know?"

She shook her head, desperately trying to comprehend everything.

Esme sat on my bed as I was a distance away on my desk chair facing over to her. I had come clean about my whole story, with the distress of being angry and upset. The person I normally had lately was Billie, and I couldn't even bare to think of him at the moment.

But being honest would come with some admitting. So although I couldn't bare to think of him, I did have to speak a lot about him and our 'story' to Esme.

She was composed about it, so I knew at least she didn't think 'disapprovingly' of me. But safe to say she was confused.

"So what are you going to do?"

"With the tests? Or Billie?"

"I mean- well both,"

I sighed wearily. "I'm not sure on either. With the tests I'll have to show them to Mr Watson. With the proof of the flash cards, he wrote me. Hopefully, Mr Watson can pull out some of Tyler's work and see the resemblance along with mine. After that I'm hoping Tyler gets what's coming,"

"And by that you mean?"

"Well I mean- he's not getting away with it. If he thinks his nose being broke was bad he should spend his last few days thankful for his working arms before I-"

"-And what about Mr Ar- Billie, even. What about with Billie?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I don't wanna stay angry at him. I think so much of him and the person he is and all he's done for me. I care about him- y'know?"

"How much?"

"A harmful amount. I've never really cared about anyone in this way before,"

Esme looked like she took slight offence, before asking. "What about me?!"

"No! No- Esme. It's different. I care about you. But the way I care about Billie is different. It's no more than to the amount I care about you. But it's- its a type of care that's built differently,"

She had this look of understandment on her face. She sat up fixing her posture to a slightly more serious position. "How exactly do you feel towards Billie?"

"I don't know. I mean- he's got this hold on me. That no one has. No one, no dissatisfied teachers, no concerned parents, no disappointed friends, no peers, no authority, no one. But him. And it's scares the holy crap out of me. Because he knows just how I work. He knows how to get something from me, like if it's me doing my work, me not doing this, me doing that, he just knows. It's like- for the first time in my life I'm asking someone how high when they tell me to jump. Instead of 'fuck you I'm not jumping, you jump',"

"Well I guess every trouble maker needs someone who can control them,"

"But why? I could've been ignorant to the rules forever if it wasn't for him?"

"You'd ruthlessly destroy yourself,"

"I wouldn't mind,"

"No- but he would. And that's the reason someone's gotta have somebody else that they listen to. To stop people from destroying themselves,"

"So would I listen?"

She shrugged. "Maybe it's a long shot but- I don't know, maybe you love the guy,"

"Y'know what! Why does it bother you so much?! Even if he was! Me and you aren't.... a- b- i- a thing!"

"Of course we aren't!"

That hurt.

My attitude went down. As my heart felt ill.

I didn't love him for it to hurt my heart. But it broke my mind.

-

"How do you even feel about me Mal?"

"Haven't I told you?"

"You wasn't direct, you tend to run in circles instead of getting to the point," he smiled boyishly.

I rolled my eyes, before answering. "I like you, Billie, y'know I do,"

-

"Well how do you feel about me?"

"I don't know. But it's something to do with not wanting you to leave and right now that's all it's feeling like,"

"Then why didn't you ever say this to me until now? Until I've had to leave and we're now sat in my car in the parking lot mid way through the school day. I could've known this sooner,"

"I could've known this sooner. I said it to you the moment I realised and I just realised. I didn't know what to call it, what was happening between us. But I liked it. It felt silly and fragile and good. And I liked it,"

He was quiet for a moment. So was I. His breathing was low and mine was in sync as we faced forward. Before he whispered in a quiet tone. "Funny, kinda sounds like love,"

And I nodded, replying in a somewhat sad tone. "It does, doesn't it?"

I always imagined love as being scary. The way they portray it in the books and in terrible movies, makes it seem like this huge sacrifice you have to give. Maybe without realising I had made a scary sacrifice of my own, my reputation.

Somewhere along the line of: 'I didn't love him enough for it to hurt my heart, but I liked him enough for it to hurt' had changed. Somewhere along the line 'I like you,' had turned to 'kinda sounds like love'. And somewhere along the lines of being asked how I felt about Billie, my answer had turned more distressed and poetic then I knew I was and could be.

Could it of even been possible to fall in love without realising? And I mean- me? With him?

"Maybe I do," I mumbled slightly, my eyes staring down on the carpet floor away from Esme.

"You do?"

I looked back up at Esme, her eyes brows raised. Before admitting again, more surprised but what I just realised. "I do?"

"You-"

"-I have to tell him,"

"What?"

I stood up, looking over for my phone. "I mean- I gotta ring him,"

Esme grabbed something beside her. I realised she held my phone before standing up high on my bed. "No you don't,"

I jumped on to the mattress beside her. "Esme give me my phone,"

"Mallory think about this- you can't just ring him and tell him, you're angry at him,"

"But I love him and he doesn't know I do,"

"He doesn't need to know, you can't just tell him. That's not how these things work,"

"Esme this isn't some playground crush. I don't have affordable time to be playing around,"

"Mallory! Let reality hit you! You've been his student, okay? Things aren't as easy as just realising you love him and ringing him up,"

I stopped trying to reach for the phone, realising Esme was right.

The thing shared between Billie and me, feelings if you called them that, has always been a complicated thing for maybe the both of us to understand. But what's more complicated was the harsh reality that he had been my teacher just like Esme said. And there wasn't going to be any easy way of just telling one of my old teachers I'm in love with them.

We stood on my bed both silent. Nothing interrupting the quietness we both supplied, until my phone in Esme's hand began to vibrate.

"Who is it?" I asked feebly.

She brought it to her face, looking at the contact name. "Billie Joe,"

Finally getting back on to the floor, I shrugged sitting back down into my desk chair. "Ignore it,"

"But I thought you wanted to speak to him?" She asked me confused, sitting back down on the bed.

I shrugged my shoulders once again. "I do,"

"So-?"

"-I just think about how he didn't really believe in me and- it reminds me why I'm angry and not talking to him in the first place I guess,"

Esme placed the phone back down beside her as it continued to vibrate. Once it stopped, it would only just start again. My anxiety peaked a little with the persistence of Billie trying to contact me. Maybe it was something important, or maybe he had nothing better to do.

"So-" Esme spoke up, over the phone vibrating. "-How old actually is Billie?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

"You've never asked?"

"I've never thought to?"

"Is there not a way you can find out?"

I thought about it. "Probably. He's on the web from his band, I could probably search it if I wanted,"

"And you haven't?"

"No?"

"You've never wondered about the age gap?"

"Well it's not exactly stopped either of us before?"

I had realised that the phone had stopped vibrating, only realising when it began again that before that it had stopped.

I grunted before standing up and harshly grabbing the phone, answering it and placing it besides my ear. "What?"

"Mallory, will you please just talk to me?"

"Billie I'm not interested,"

"But-"

I cut him off, ending the call.

~

He stark stared at me in my eyes for a long moment across the desk. Vainly trying to figure out if this was a joke or if I was serious when I told him the ninety two percent test was mine and a student who never stepped out of line had swapped them around. But Mr Watson then laughed, shaking his head.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Mallory, you didn't get ninety two percent," He chuckled.

I scrunched my eyebrows up. "Yes I did?"

He must've realised I was being serious. Because his laughing gradually stopped. Before he 'prepared' himself for a lecture. Fixing his posture, he intertwined his fingers together placing them before him on the desk before speaking once more. This time his tone was more serious. "Mallory... I know this may come across as...well harsh, but you couldn't have got those test results,"

I spoke back, my voice was smaller than expected. "What does... that mean?"

"Well... all your tests have always been complete... I'll call them 'stabs in the dark'. Your efforts and... well abilities don't... don't reach as high as a percentage as that Mallory. How am I going to ever believe you could achieve such a score?"

The thing was, I could've pulled out the two tests that were in my bag. With the flashcards of Tyler's hand writing for proof and the girl who I was a month ago would've happily proved him wrong. But the girl I was now, didn't. She stood herself up, picking her backpack up from beside where she sat off the floor. Mumbled the words 'Yeah,' and left the office.

The person who I was a month ago would've slapped me for that. Anyone would've. But I wouldn't go back into that office and with stand any more lectures telling me I'm not capable of achieving things no matter how many slaps.

Maybe he had won. Maybe Tyler did get his revenge. You win some. You loose some. Except this time I actually lost.

I wouldn't blatantly continue lying to myself, the only person I really wanted right now might have been Billie Joe. Like right now. Now.

Not even trying to look sleek, I exited the school building through its fire emergency doors into the car park. Walking through it, around all the parked cars and free spots, until leaving the gates. Successfully leaving the premises of the schools building.

If I was going to start being honest with myself, I should start being honest with him. Maybe telling him how I feel would be the best of starts.